Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own the Jerry Springer series. (Not like I'd want to, TV Guide said it was the worst show ever, and they're always right! I think.)

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

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*cue Jerry Springer theme*

"And we're back," Jerry said. "Today, Callisto's gayest men have been revealing their sexual fantasies. Our next guest on the show is a man named Mike."

Mike was a tall, skinny man with glasses and a goatee.

"Hello there, Jerry," Mike said.

"Now, Mike, you said that you had a very special idea in mind," Jerry said.

"That's right," Mike said. "I'm a huge fan of your show."

"And you're an especially huge fan of somebody on the show," Jerry said.


"That's right. I am attracted to the security guard, Steve," Mike said.

Steve smiled. The crowd went crazy.

"Steve! Steve! Steve!" the crowd cheered.

"Steve, I want you to kiss me on the lips!" Mike said.

Steve got an embarrassed look on his face.

"So, Steve, are you up to it?" Jerry asked.

"I guess," Steve said. He walked over to Mike and planted a big, wet kiss on his lips.

"Steve! Steve! Steve!" the crowd cheered.

---

Meanwhile, outside…

"My head," Spike moaned. "Lousy cowardly Vicious."

Spike stood up.

"Having his friend shoot me with a knockout bullet. It's not fair!" Spike yelled. "Argh!"

Spike fumed angrily.

"Vicious, you are going down!" Spike yelled, kicking down the door to the Jerry Springer building and walking inside.

---

Session 13: Jupiter Jerry (Part 2)

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Meanwhile, inside Gren's apartment…

"So, how did you become a… er… hermaphrodite?" Faye asked.

"It's a long story," Gren said. "But back when Vicious and I where in the wrestling league-"

"You were in the wrestling league with Vicious?" Faye asked.

"Yeah," Gren said. "After Spike left, I became Vicious' tag team partner. We were the five...five...five...five...FIVE time SSWWE tag team champs!"

"So what happened?" Faye asked.

"I got too wimpy," Gren said. "So I started taking steroids. Oh sure, they build up your muscles for a while, but after that-"

"I get the picture," Faye said. "You oughta sue."

"I tried," Gren said. "The judge said it was my fault for using steroids. After I turned into a girl-man, Vicious said I wasn't worthy of being his tag team partner."

"Aw, that's sad," Faye said.

"But I love Vicious!" Gren said. "In fact, I'm going to go on Jerry Springer and tell him that!""

"You can't!" Faye protested.

"Why not?" Gren asked.

"Vicious is a crazy guy," Faye said. "He'll kill you!"

"You can't stop me," Gren said.

"Yes I can," Faye said.

---

Five minutes later…

"I told you you couldn't stop me," Gren said, tossing the handcuffed Faye onto a bed. "I told you! Nyah!"

"Why do I always get overpowered?" Faye asked.

"I dunno," Gren said.

"I got overpowered by a freaking hermaphrodite. This has got to be the worst day of my life," Faye said.

"Yeah well," Gren said. "I'm oughta here."

Gren ran off.


"Hey!" Faye yelled. "You can't just leave me here!"

Faye sighed.

"He can," Faye said, yawning. "I need a nap. I guess I'll just wait for Spike to come and save me."

---

Meanwhile, Jet was walking through the streets. He noticed Gren coming out of his apartment.

"Hey," Jet said. "Wonder where he's going. I guess I'll go into his apartment for no reason."

Jet opened the door to Gren's apartment and went inside.

"Well, nobody here," Jet said.

Suddenly, he noticed Faye handcuffed on Gren's bed.


"Eh?" Jet said. He walked over to Faye and freed her from the cuffs. "That purple haired guy is a kinky sex pervert?"

"No," Faye said. "He's a hermaphrodite."

"God," Jet said. "Callisto's got some serious problems."

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"So, where's Spike?" Faye asked.

"He went looking for Julia," Jet said.

"I say we leave him here," Faye said.

"Why is that?" Jet asked.

"He didn't come save me!" Faye yelled.


"I saved you," Jet said. "Kiss me!"

"No," Faye said.

---

*cue Jerry Springer theme*

"And we're back with Callisto's gayest men and their sexual fantasies!" Jerry said. The crowd cheered. "Our next guest is a man named Vicious."

"Hello, Jerry," Vicious said.

"Now Vicious, you consider yourself to be a heterosexual man, right?" Jerry asked.


"That's correct," Vicious said. "I'm VERY heterosexual. I once had a man killed because he was sleeping with my lover."

"That's what we love here on Jerry Springer," Jerry said. "So, Vicious, are you ready for a sexual surprise?"

"Not really," Vicious said.

"Too bad!" Jerry yelled. "Gren, come on out!"

"Gren?" Vicious said.

Gren walked out to the stage.

"Hey there, Vicious," Gren said, blowing a kiss at him.

"Aaah!" Vicious yelled. "You?"

"Vicious, ever since we were wrestling in the SSWWE, I've always had… feelings about you. But now that I have girl parts, I don't have to hide my feelings anymore!"

"Oh God," Vicious said.


"Yaoi! Yaoi! Yaoi!" the crowd cheered.

"So, Vicious," Jerry said. "What's your reaction?"

"I'm very angry right now! I-"

Gren took of his (her?) clothes, revealing his (her?) purple bikini.

"Now that you mention it," Vicious said, "Gren IS sexier than a lot of girls that were girls since they were born. Wow. I'm impressed."

Gren walked up to Vicious.

"So, Vicious," Gren said. "What do you say?"

Gren puckered up his (her?) lips.


"Well-"

But before Vicious could continue, Lin walked out on the stage.

"Vicious, I can't hide my feelings anymore! I love you too!" Lin said.

"Threesome! Threesome! Threesome!" the crowd cheered.

"Whoa, this is too much," Vicious said.

"Yaoi Lemon! Yaoi Lemon! Yaoi Lemon!" the crowd cheered.

"Fine," Vicious said. "Whatever pleases the fans!"

Suddenly, Spike burst into the room, holding his gun.

"Okay, Vicious," Spike said. "You're going to fight me like a man!"

"Not now," Vicious said. "I'm busy."

"And who are you?" Jerry asked.

"I'm Spike Spiegel," Spike said. "And I'm the guy Vicious had killed because I was sleeping with his lover."

The crowd gasped.

"Darn it, Spike," Vicious said. "You're always meddling in my affairs!"

Vicious took out his katana.


"Spike, eat sword!" Vicious said.

"Not so fast!" Gren yelled, tackling Vicious.

"Hey, I thought you loved him!" Jerry yelled.

"That was until I found out that he already had a female lover!" Gren said. "You cheating (bleep)!"

"Gren, baby, it's you I love!" Vicious yelled. "You!"

Vicious slashed Gren across the stomach. Gren staggered back. Lin tackled Gren from behind.


"Hey!" Steve yelled, running over and pulling Gren and Lin apart.

"Steve! Steve! Steve!" the crowd cheered feverishly. Vicious ran at Spike with his katana. Spike pointed his gun at Vicious. Steve got behind Spike and restrained him.


"Let me go! You stupid (bleep) (bleep)!" Spike yelled.

"You need to cool off!" Steve said.

"That's right!" Vicious said. "Hold him so I can stab him!"

More security guards ran up to the stage and held Vicious back. Gren kicked Lin into a chair before he was restrained by more security guards.

"Gren, you homewrecking (bleep)!" Lin yelled.

"(Bleep) you!" Gren yelled. Gren broke free from the security guards and grabbed a chair.

"(Bleep) (bleep!)" Spike yelled, breaking free from the guards and shooting at Vicious. Vicious smacked the bullet away with his sword. The bullet ricocheted off the sword and hit one of the guards, killing him.


"(Bleep!)" Steve yelled. "He was my (bleep) friend!"

Steve ran at Vicious and punched him in the face. Suddenly, Gren tackled Vicious from behind. Vicious' sword went through Steve's crotch.

"(Bleep) (bleep) (bleep)!" Steve yelled. "I (bleep) needed that!"

The huge melee went into the crowd. In the fracas, a bullet bounced off Steve's head and hit Lin in the chest, killing him. Gren staggered around, weak from lost of blood. It took ten Springer security guards to separate Spike and Vicious.

"(Bleep!)" Spike yelled.


"(Bleep) you, (bleep) Spike (bleep) Spiegel!" Vicious yelled. He ran out of the building.


"(Bleep) (bleep)!" Spike yelled. "He (bleep) got away!"

"We'll be right back after these messages," Jerry said. "What a (bleep) mess."

---

Outside…


"You gonna be okay, Gren?" Spike asked. "I think I should call an ambulance."

"No," Gren said. "Just put me in my space fighter and send me to Titan."

"Why?" Spike asked.

"Titan's where Vicious and I became the Tag Team champs," Gren said. "Please honor my dying request."

"But you'll never make it," Spike said.

"Just (bleep) do it," Gren said.

---

Meanwhile, in a canyon somewhere, an elderly man was talking to a little boy.

"Look at that," the boy said. "Grandpa, a star just fell!"

"I know," the old man said.

"Whenever a star falls, an angel gets its wings!" the boy said.

"No, you've got it mixed up," the old man said. "When stars fall, people die."

"Who died?" the boy asked.

"How the (bleep) should I know?" the old man said.

---

SPRINGER'S FINAL THOUGHT

"And now, for a final thought," Jerry said. "When bounty hunters and sadistic grey-haired swordsmen fight, it wrecks people's lives. So many people get caught in the middle. And when the girl they're fighting over is missing or presumed dead, it's even worse."

Jerry turned slightly in the chair.

"So please, please, if there's a pretty girl, and her name is, oh say, Julia, then remember to share and share alike. It's the right thing to do, and it'll prevent a climactic and bloody battle where both of the men who are fighting end up dying and hundreds of fanboys and fangirls commit ritualistic suicide. I'm Jerry Springer, saying so long, space cowboy."

"Space Lion" began playing as the end credits rolled. Gren's star falling could be seen all over the solar system. Except on Europa, where it got preempted by Major League Baseball.

---

Edward: Next time on Bebop, Edward gets to play chess!

Faye: Wow.

Spike: I really suck at chess.

Edward: That's too bad, because Ed is the best in the universe!

Faye: Uh, Ed, this guy's beating you.


Edward: No he's not! Edward's winning!

Faye: Suuure she is.

Edward: Next time on Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Bohemian Rhapsody, Or Something French Like That!"

Spike: Checkmate it out!

Edward: Aw, Spike-person can come up with better puns than that!