Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. However, I do own a chess rating of 1027 (and that's not some online Yahoo rating, that's an official USCF one). Okay, I seriously gotta stop bragging now. Onto the fic! Oh, BTW, there's a lot of Romanized leet speak in this chapter. If you don't understand it, don't feel bad. I don't understand most of it either. ^_^
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
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ABOARD THE BEBOP…
"So, how did you do today?" Spike asked.
"I caught a bountyhead," Faye said.
"So did I," Jet said.
"And I did too," Spike said. "But mine was a small fry."
"Mine too," Faye said.
"And so was mine," Jet said.
"Wanted for…" Spike started.
"Gate hacking," Faye said.
"Gate hacking," Jet repeated.
"Anyone see a pattern here?" Spike asked.
"Yup," Faye said.
"Yup," Jet said.
"Yup," Spike said.
"Yup-yup!" Edward chimed in.
"You caught a bountyhead too, Edward?" Spike asked.
"No, but Edward knows why you didn't get any money for the bountyheads you caught!" Edward said.
"Why not?" Spike asked.
"Because they weren't the real hackers! Nope! Not the mastermind!" Edward said.
"Well, we've figured that out," Faye said indignantly.
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Session 14: Bohemian Rhapsody, Or Something French Like That
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"Right now, Edward is going to play a game of chess!" Edward said, taking out an electronic chessboard device and hooking it up to the Bebop's network.
"Oooh, chess," Spike said. "I suck at chess.
"You oughta learn to play, Spike-person!" Edward said.
"No way," Spike said. "Chess bores me.
"How can you say that about chess?" Edward asked.
"I'm Spike Spiegel. I'm cool. I can say anything," Spike said.
Edward's electronic chessboard lit up. A hologram of a chess game appeared on the board. It appeared as if two or three moves had been made already.
"Lookie lookie! Hologram chess!" Edward said.
"Who's your opponent?" Faye asked.
"A guy named Chessmaster Hex!" Edward said. "Heee's goood!"
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Meanwhile, on an old dilapidated colony in the middle of space…
"Wow, finally an opponent," said a very aged-looking man. "And they're not bad!"
The aged chessmaster moved one of his pieces.
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"You just keep that game going, Edward," Jet said. "We're going out to find the leet mastermind haxxor now."
"That's right," Faye said. "Keep on playing, Edward!"
"Edward's gonna win!" Edward said.
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Meanwhile, at the Solar System's DBZ Fanboy/Gate Inc. HQ…
"This place is huge," Jet said.
"So, are we gonna find the hacker behind the gate hacks?" Faye asked.
"Hopefully," Jet said. "If we don't, then at least we can watch Edward play chess."
"That's boring!" Faye said.
"Then let's find that hacker," Spike said.
Suddenly, a tall man in a Goku costume ran past Spike.
"Hey you!" Jet said.
"Me?" the guy in the Goku suit said.
"Yeah, you," Jet said. "What do you know about gate hacking?"
"Whoa, are you accusing me of haxxorating the gatezors?" the Goku-suit guy said. "That does it! I'm using a Kamehameha on joo!"
The man in the Goku suit struck a Kamehameha pose.
"Oh geez," Faye said. "We're not getting anything from him."
"Except some cheap laughs," Spike said, chuckling.
"How dare joo laugh at me! You suxxors!" the man in the Goku suit yelled. "Ka…me…ha…me…ha!"
The man extended his arms. Spike spun around and kicked the man in the face, knocking him back into a cubicle.
"Whoa!" another man said, running over to Spike. "How'd joo do that? Joo have the leet mad skillzors!"
"Does anyone understand what this guy's saying?" Faye asked.
"Not really," Spike said. He kicked the man, knocking him out. "Let's ask some other people. Smart people."
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Meanwhile, Edward and the mysterious old man had reached the midgame.
"Ha ha, now your knight belongs to Edward!" Edward said, capturing the man's knight with his pawn.
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"Not bad," the old man said. "Heh heh."
The wily old man chuckled as he used his rook to capture Edward's bishop.
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"Aw, no!" Edward said. "Ed's bishop is gone!"
Edward flopped onto the chessboard.
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Back at the DBZ/Gate building…
"Know anything about the hacks?" Faye asked to a fat man wearing glasses.
"Goku ownzors joo!" the man said.
Spike sighed.
"We'll never find anything in this place," Spike said.
Another man walked up to Faye.
"Wow, joo have teh big boobies!" the man said. "I know everything joo wanna know!"
Faye was about to slap the man. Spike stopped her.
"Wait," Spike said. "You know what we want to know?"
"That's right!" the man said. "I know who perpetrated the gate haxxorsorsatiors!"
"The gate whatzors?" Jet said.
"It was a dood named Chessmaster Hexxors!" the man said. "He's an old dood that lives in a drifter colony orbiting this planet!"
"Isn't that the guy Ed's playing?" Faye asked.
"Yeah," Jet said. "What a coincidence."
The man smiled at Faye.
"Now that I helped joo," the man said, "could joo show me joor-"
"NO!" Faye yelled, slapping the man unconscious.
"Good one, Faye!" Jet yelled. "So, uh… could you show me your-"
"A-hem," Spike coughed.
"Er, right," Jet said. "We'd better get to that drifter colony then."
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Meanwhile, Edward and Chessmaster Hex continued playing chess.
"And Ed moves here!" Edward said, moving her queen to the center of the board. "Check on you!"
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Hex smiled.
"Not bad at all!" Hex said. "I must be playing a true master of chess!"
The man interposed his bishop, blocking the check.
"Your move!" Hex said.
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Meanwhile, the Bebop was docking at the drifter colony.
"The old guy lives here," Spike said.
"So all we gotta do is grab him and get the bounty?" Faye asked.
"That's the idea," Spike said.
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Inside the colony…
"Geez, there's no gravity in here," Faye said.
"It's a low-maintenance colony," Jet said. "It's like the ghetto."
As Spike, Faye, and Jet floated through the ship, they noticed many low-lifes and bums floating around the colony.
"I would never think that an elite chessmaster-hacker would live in a place like this," Faye said.
"Hackers work in mysterious ways, Faye," Spike said. "This Hex guy is probably hiding out here."
"Oh," Faye said.
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"And Edward moves her queen here!" Edward said, moving her queen to Hex's seventh rank and forking Hex's rook and knight. "Choose one to lose!"
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"Well well," Hex said. "This is a predicament. But I can move… here!"
Hex moved his rook to check Edward's king.
"Check!" Hex announced.
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"Geez, this colony's huge," Faye said. "It's hard to find anyone in here."
"Wait," Jet said. "I think I found something!"
Jet pointed to a small room.
"You're right, Jet," Spike said. "That is an empty room.
"Aw man," Jet said.
"Wow, Jet, you suck," Faye said.
"I do not suck!" Jet said. "What about that one time where you went after a bounty and you got captured! And I had to save you!"
"Actually, Spike saved me," Faye said.
"And the other time-" Jet stammered.
"Spike saved me that time too," Faye said.
"Would you guys quit arguing over me?" Spike said. "I know I'm popular, but you don't have to fight over me. Look, maybe we should split up."
"You mean like in Scooby-Doo?" Faye asked. "Cool!"
Faye and Jet floated away.
"Suckers!" Spike said. "I know where the bountyhead is! Ha! Now I don't have to share!"
"I know where he is too!" came a voice from behind Spike. Spike turned around.
"Who are you?" Spike asked.
"I'm a trigger-happy bounty hunter who likes killing things! And I know where the old man is! Bwahaha!" the trigger-happy bounty hunter said, floating off.
"Oh yeah?" Spike yelled. He floated off after the trigger-happy bounty hunter.
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"And now, my trap is set!" Hex declared. "Pawn to c3!"
Hex moved one of his pawns forward.
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"Oh no!" Edward said. "Ed's gotta stop the pawn!"
Ed swung her rook in the pawn's path, blocking it.
"Your move!" Edward said.
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"That was a mistake," Hex said. "Now for my final move!"
"You're dead, old man!" yelled the trigger-happy bounty hunter.
"Wha?" Hex said. "Who are you?"
Suddenly, the bounty hunter was shot from behind by Spike. Spike walked in.
"Uh, you're under arrest for hacking the gates," Spike said.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I just play chess now," Hex said. "You oughta see the person I'm playing! They're a real chessmaster!"
"Uh, okay," Spike said. "Look, since you're an old guy, I'll let you off with a warning. Okay?"
Hex smiled and moved one of his pieces.
"Check," Hex said.
"Well, alright," Spike said. "Bye now!"
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BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…
"So as it turns out," Jet said, "back when the gates were created, Hex wanted to go off and play chess. So he programmed a computer program to hack into the gates. And then he forgot about it."
"Is that what really happened?" Spike asked.
"No," Jet said. "But at least there's a good chance that that nice old man didn't really mean any harm."
"Oh. Well, that's good," Spike said.
"Be quiet!" Ed yelled. "Edward is playing chess!"
"You're still playing that guy?" Faye asked.
"Yeah, he's good!" Edward said. "But Ed is better!"
Ed moved her rook.
"Ha!" Edward said. "Ed has mate in one!"
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"Well, well, well," Hex said. "Finally, the master makes a mistake!"
Hex moved his own rook in behind Ed's king.
"Checkmate!" Hex said. "Well, now I can die in piece. Because I won."
Hex fell over, dead.
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"Nooooooooooooooo!" Edward screamed. "Ed lost!"
Edward fell over.
See you, space cowboy...
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Faye: Next time on Bebop, everybody gets to find out a little bit about my mysterious past!
Spike: Not interested.
Faye: What?
Jet: Me neither. Everybody obviously wants to see my past.
Spike: No, they want my past. Because inside, they're all wrestling marks!
Jet: Suuuure they are.
Faye: Anyway, you get to see my old boyfriend, and hear a pretty song, and watch me evade greedy bill collectors!
Edward: Yeah, everybody wants a piece of Faye-Faye!
Jet: Oooh…
Faye: Not like that, you pervert! Next episode of Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "My Funny Valentine's In Love With Eddie Vedder!"
Spike: Eddie who?
Jet: Latino Heeeeat!
Faye: That's Eddie Guerrero, Jet.
Jet: What, holmes?
Faye: *sighs*
