Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own Weird Al's Eddie Vedder song. I also don't own anything else. Faye Valentine owes me money. (But hey, doesn't she owe everybody money nowadays? ^_^)
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
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ABOARD THE BEBOP…
"So, who's the latest bountyhead, Jet?" Faye asked.
"He's a womanizing con artist," Jet said. "He's worth 500 wulongs."
"That's all?" Faye said.
"He's the smallest of the smallest of the smallest of the smallest of the smallest of the smallfrys," Jet said.
"He's that small?" Spike asked. "Then why are you going after him?"
"Anyone that cons women is bad!" Jet yelled. "He deserves to die."
"Nobody deserves to die, Jet-person!" Edward said. "So, Faye-Faye, where are you going?"
"I'm gonna go reflect on my past," Faye said.
"You do that," Spike said. "See if we care!"
"You shouldn't be so mean to Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "Can Ed come with you?"
"No," Faye said, walking off.
---
Elsewhere on the Bebop…
"My life sucks," Faye said with a sigh. "I have no memories of anything that happened in the first twenty years of my life."
Ein barked.
"Aw, what a cute puppy dog," Faye said. "You know, I think I'll tell you my past."
Faye sniffed the air.
"Hey," Faye said. "I said I'd tell you my past. I didn't say you could take a big dump on the floor!"
Faye pushed Ein into the next room and shut the door. She sat the dog on the floor and leaned back on the sofa.
"Let's see," Faye said. "Where do I begin?"
---
Session 15: My Funny Valentine's In Love With Eddie Vedder
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*cue flashback sequence*
The year is 2067. Not too much is different… except it's four years earlier than 2071. Well, that's about it.
FREEZIN' MY ARSE OFF CRYOGENIC FACILITY-
"Well, is it finally time to unfreeze the girl?" asked the doctor.
"Yeah, why not," the nurse said.
The doctor and nurse walked over to a small control panel and pressed a few buttons. The girl in the cryogenic chamber began to thaw out.
"Whoa, she's even hotter unfrozen than she is frozen!" the doctor said.
"Maybe we should give her some clothes," the nurse said.
"Naw, that's okay," the doctor said. The girl woke up.
"Hey, where am I?" the girl asked. "And who am I? And why am I naked?"
"Uh, well, you see…" the doctor said. "Uh…"
"Am I in heaven?" the girl asked.
"Yes! And I am God! And I say that all girls in heaven must be naked!" the doctor said. The nurse smacked him.
"No, he's a doctor," the nurse said. "And your name is Faye."
"Faye Valentine!" the doctor said. "All the hot girls are named Valentine! Jill Valentine, and Mai Valentine, and… uh… well, there's a guy named Vincent Valentine, but he's a guy. Ya know?"
"Just give her some clothes," the nurse said.
"Fine," the doctor said.
---
Sometime later…
Faye sat on a hospital bed. She was now wearing a bright blue hospital gown.
"I don't know who I am," Faye said. "And I'm so hungry."
Suddenly, a man walked into the room. He was wearing a Green Day t-shirt.
"Who are you?" Faye asked.
"My name's Eddie," the man said. "Eddie Vedder. And who might you be?"
"My name's Faye Valentine," Faye said. "At least I think it is."
"Well, I know my name's Eddie," Vedder said. "I was thawed out six months ago, and they had my records on file. Your records got wiped out in the Goku Fart Disaster forty-six years ago."
"Goku Fart Disaster?" Faye asked. "What was that?"
"Well, you know that big blue planet called Earth?" Vedder asked.
"Not really," Faye said. "I lost all of my memory, remember?"
"Oh," Vedder said. "Well, let's just say that a big dumb monkey farted and blew up a big rock that was circling around another big rock, causing the little big rock to eradicate nine-tenths of the big rock's lifeforms."
"That makes sense," Faye said.
"You know, I came and looked at you while you were in deep freeze," Vedder said.
"While I was naked?" Faye asked.
"Well, if they would have opened the chamber to put clothes on you, you would have melted," Vedder said.
"Maybe you're right," Faye said.
Suddenly, the doctor walked into the room.
"Okay, Miss Valentine, let's talk about your medical bills," the doctor said.
"Wha?" Faye stammered.
"Lessee… you owe me 240,000,000 wulongs," the doctor said.
"What?" Faye yelled.
"Hey, it's either 240 million, or one night with me in the sack," the doctor said with a smile.
"I guess that could work," Faye said.
"No!" Eddie Vedder yelled. "Faye, you can't let that pervert take advantage of you! You gotta run!"
"I guess…" Faye said. She bolted out of the room.
"After her!" the doctor yelled. "Oh, wait, I don't have any guards here. Crap, she got away."
---
Outside of the hospital…
"That was close," Faye said, running around frantically. "But now what do I do?"
Faye jumped up and down, trying to flag down cars on the highway. Unfortunately for Faye, for some odd reason, only heterosexual women were on the road that night. None of them stopped for Faye.
"What am I gonna do now?" Faye asked in an exasperated tone. Suddenly, Eddie Vedder's car pulled up.
"Hop in!" Vedder yelled.
"How did you get here?" Faye asked.
"That's not important! Just hop in!"
Faye got in Vedder's car. "My Baby's In Love With Eddie Vedder" began playing over a montage of romantic scenes involving Faye and Eddie Vedder.
---
Some time later… (with the song still playing)
"That was fun!" Faye said. "I love you!"
"I love you too, Faye," Vedder said. "Let's get married."
"That sounds lovely!" Faye said. Unfortunately, the romantic scene was quickly interrupted by a gang of bill collectors.
"Give us the money!" the bill collectors yelled.
"Bill collectors travel in gangs now?" Faye asked.
"Yeah," Vedder said. "We gotta lose 'em!"
But as it turns out, Eddie Vedder was a VERY crappy driver. He swerved off the road and crashed up in a fiery explosion. However, since Faye's a babe, she survived. Of course. The song ended.
---
A little while later…
"Since Eddie Vedder's dead, you get all of his money," the doctor said.
"So what do I get?" Faye asked.
"Let's see… well, how can I put this. What's negative 240,000,000 plus negative 560,000,000?" the doctor asked.
"I don't know," Faye said. "I don't remember ever being good at math. Actually, I don't remember anything."
"It equals one night in the sack with the big doctor!" the doctor said.
"Wha?" Faye said.
"Eddie Vedder splurged all of his money in the early 21st Century. That's why he had himself frozen. He owed 560,000,000 wulongs to various people. And now you owe 560,000,000 wulongs to various people," the doctor said. "Sucks to be you."
*end flashback*
---
"I managed to get out of my debts by running from the doctor again," Faye said. "And I've been chased ever since. I owe everybody money."
"Bark bark woof?" Ein asked.
"Yes, even you," Faye said.
Ein growled. Faye handed the dog a 500-wulong bill. The dog growled some more.
"That's all I have, Ein," Faye said.
Ein growled again. Faye handed the dog another 500-wulong bill. The dog walked away contentedly.
"That story sucked," Spike said, walking out of the bathroom. "I don't believe a word of it."
"Argh!" Faye yelled. "That story was between me and Ein! You weren't supposed to hear it!"
"Well, at least now I now you owe me money," Spike said. "Pay up."
"I gave Ein all my money," Faye said.
"What do you owe him money for?" Spike asked.
"It's a long story," Faye said.
"I want to hear it!" Spike whined.
"Maybe someone will write a story about it," Faye said, winking to the camera.
"Aw, come on," Spike said.
"Guys, you gotta come quick!" Jet yelled from the other room. "I caught the womanizer!"
"Good for you, Jet," Spike said.
"I want to see him," Faye said. "I'd like to give that guy a good swift kick to the groin."
Faye walked into the detainment room of the Bebop. Spike followed her.
---
In the detainment room…
"Here he is," Jet said, pointing to a fat man who was sitting on a bench. He was wearing handcuffs.
"Hello," Faye said. "You big, mean, womanizing son of a- Eddie?"
"Hey there, Faye," the now-obese Eddie Vedder said. "How are you?"
Faye gave Eddie Vedder a good swift kick to the groin.
"Hey!" Vedder whimpered, sucking in a breath. "What was that for?"
"For making me do math!" Faye yelled. "What's negative 240 million plus negative 560 million?"
"Negative 800 million," Spike said matter-of-factly.
"Oh, that," Vedder said. "Honest, I thought I had positive 560 million! You see, I'm colorblind, so I really can't tell red from green, and-"
"You're a big fat liar!" Faye yelled. "I hate you!"
Faye huffed and stomped out of the room.
"That's your boyfriend? He's all fat and ugly," Spike said.
"After the accident, they had to give me emergency reverse liposuction," Vedder said.
"Are you lying about that, too?" Spike asked. "Faye, are you into fat guys?"
"No!" Faye yelled from the other room.
"See, I'm telling the truth," Vedder said.
---
Some time later…
"Let's go turn him in now," Spike said, walking into the detainment room. "Hey! He's gone!"
Jet ran into the room after Spike.
"Whoa, he is gone!" Jet yelled. "Who could have taken him?"
"I bet Faye did," Spike said. "I knew she was into fat guys. She's eloping with him!"
"No," Jet said. "She's turning him in."
"How do you know?" Spike asked.
"Shut up, Spike," Jet said.
---
Meanwhile, Faye was driving the Redtail toward a police ship.
"So, why'd you break me out?" Vedder asked, now handcuffed to the other seat in the Redtail.
"Because I realize how much I love you," Faye said.
"You're driving toward a police cruiser," Vedder said. "You're going to turn me in to the cops!"
"That's not a police cruiser," Faye said. "That's… uh… Green Day's tour ship!"
"Really?" Vedder said. "But the guys are all old and stuff!"
"Okay, it's a police cruiser," Faye said. "You big jerk. You took advantage of me, and now you're taking advantage of women who like fat guys! Well, it's gotta stop!"
"Nothing has to stop, Faye," Vedder said. "I love you."
The look in Faye's eyes grew more compassionate.
"You know what, Eddie?" Faye asked.
"What?" Vedder said.
"I think I do still love you," Faye said.
"Really?" Vedder said.
"Yeah. I do. Now kiss me!" Faye said.
"Alright!" Vedder said. He puckered up his lips. Faye's face drew closer to his. And then… Faye slapped a big strip of duct tape over Eddie Vedder's mouth.
"Shut up," Faye said.
---
The Redtail parked at the police cruiser. Faye dragged Eddie out and handed him over to two very familiar looking cops.
"Hey," Faye said. "Don't I know you guys?"
"Yeah!" the male cop said. "You still owe me that night in the sack!"
The female cop, who was actually the registered nurse from the hospital, elbowed the doctor.
"Er, I mean, you still owe me that 240 million wulongs," the doctor said. He was elbowed again. "Uh, I mean, uh, this guy is enough. Yeah, uh… yeah."
"That's what I thought," Faye said, smiling.
See you, space cowboy...
---
Jet: On the next episode of Bebop, I get to star! Again!
Faye: Wow, remind me to skip the next episode, Spike.
Spike: Will do.
Jet: Hey, what's wrong? This time, it's actually an episode the author of this fanfic likes!
Edward: We're in a fanfic?
Jet: Er, no, this is real life! Yeah!
Spike: I still think this episode's gonna suck.
Jet: Spike, you want me to put you in time-out?
Faye: *giggles*
Jet: Next time on Bebop: The Funny Sessions: "The Suckiest Episode Of All". Hey, who's messing with the teleprompter?
Spike: *chuckles*
Jet: It was you, wasn't it, Spike?
Spike: Uh…
Jet: That does it! Spike, you are going to bed without supper!
Edward: Oooh, Spike-person's in trouble!
Jet: The REAL next episode of Bebop: The Funny Sessions: "Jelly-Filled Donut Serenade".
Faye: Wha?
Jet: Cops love donuts, alright? Mmm… donuts…
Spike: I'M HUNGRY!
