Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. Wow, I can't think of something else witty to put here. Ah well. Anyway, I'd like to take this time to thank all of you loyal readers for reading my fic and posting great reviews! Argh, I forget all of your names, but you know who you are! Unless you have amnesia like Faye, in which case, I'm sorry. *looks* Hey, that was witty! I think.
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
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ABOARD THE BEBOP…
"Now to take a nice hot shower," Faye said, taking off her clothes. "A nice hot shower. Nothing beats a hot shower."
Faye stepped into the bathtub and turned on the water.
"Ah, that feels… THIS WATER IS (bleep) FREEZING!" Faye yelled angrily. "WHO THE (bleep) TOOK ALL THE (bleep) HOT WATER?"
In the other room…
"Uh oh," Spike said. "She's mad."
"Naughty Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "Faye-Faye's a pottymouth!"
"Go see what she wants," Jet said.
"(bleep)!" Faye yelled, walking into the room wearing a blue towel.
"Too late," Jet said.
"Yeah, see ya," Spike said, walking out of the room.
"WHAT THE (bleep) IS WRONG WITH THE SHOWER?" Faye screamed.
"Well, the Bebop's broken," Jet said.
"BROKEN? HOW CAN A SPACESHIP BE (bleep) BROKEN?" Faye yelled.
"Would you stop yelling in my face?" Jet asked.
"ALL I WANTED WAS A HOT (bleep) SHOWER, BUT NOOOO…" Faye hollered.
"Please stop yelling," Jet said.
"Fine," Faye said. "So, how did the Bebop get broken?"
"We hit a small asteroid," Jet said, "and all the hot water spilled out. We'll have hot water again tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" Faye said. "What do I do until then?"
"I don't know," Jet said. "Take cold showers?"
"(bleep) cold showers," Faye said.
"Well then, I can't help you," Jet said.
"By the way, how'd your arm get broken?" Faye asked. "You've got a freaky mechanical one. Why don't you get surgery?"
"Because metal arms are so much cooler than regular arms," Jet said. "Ya know?"
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Session 16: Jelly Donut Serenade
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"Whatever," Faye said. "I'm gonna go and find some hot water."
"Find hot water?" Jet asked.
"It'll give me something to do," Faye said, leaving the room.
"Suit yourself," Jet said.
Suddenly, the phone in the Bebop rang. Jet picked it up.
"Hello?" Jet said. "Who's this?"
"It's Fad," the man on the other line said. "Your old partner from the ISSP, remember?"
"Wow, I haven't seen you in ages," Jet said. "So what's up?"
"Jet, I want to team up with you to catch one last bad guy," Fad said.
"Who is it?" Jet asked.
"It's that Syndicate guy named Udai," Fad said.
Jet screamed like a little girl.
"Eee! That's the guy that tore off my arm!" Jet squealed. He began to cry.
"Yeah, I know it hurts," Fad said. "It hurts inside."
"Hey!" Faye yelled from the other room. "I thought you liked your metal arm!"
"Yeah, but the old one really hurt when it got torn off," Jet said.
"Oh, you shoulda seen him!" Fad said. "He was crying like a baby!"
"Yeah, I was going 'Waaah! I never wanna be a cop again! My arm huuuurts! Waaah! Mommmmmmy!'" Jet said. "Wait, aren't you supposed to be getting hot water?"
"No," Faye said.
"And how can you and Fad both hear each other?" Jet asked. "This is a phone conversation."
"Uh… never mind," Fad said. "Look, I really need you to help me catch Udai!"
"Nope, not gonna do it," Jet said.
"Chicken," Fad said.
"What?" Jet said.
"Chicken," Fad said again.
"I'm no chicken! Fine, I'll help you catch Udai! But just to prove I'm not a chicken! If I get killed, it's all my fault!" Jet yelled.
---
*cue flashback sequence*
"Okay, Udai, I'm gonna get you!" Jet yelled.
"For what?" Udai said.
"For killing that guy and selling those drugs to those kids!" Jet yelled.
"Hey, I didn't sell drugs to kids! I sold them to animals!" Udai said.
"Oh," Jet said. "Well then, er… take this!"
Jet pulled out his gun.
"A gun?" Udai said. "How pathetic!"
Udai grabbed Jet's arm and ripped it off.
"ARGH!" Jet screamed. "THAT REALLY HURTS! GOLLY JEEPERS!"
*end flashback*
---
At some space dock somewhere…
"Where's he at?" Fad said, standing on a corner. "I hope he didn't chicken out."
"I heard that!" Jet yelled, flying the Hammerhead up to Fad. He hopped out. "Udai made me lose my arm, and now I'm gonna make him lose his!"
"I was thinking we could take him out," Fad said.
"Well, okay, but as long as I don't get any guts on my shirt," Jet said. He took out a cigarette and lit it up.
"Hey, I quit that a long time ago," Fad said. "Smoking's bad for you."
"Do we really have to go over this again? Because five-"
"No," Fad said. "I'll shut up now."
"So where is Udai, anyway?" Jet asked.
"He's in a runaway prison ship that's currently speeding out of control through space," Fad said.
"Like that helps," Jet said. "I'll never catch him!"
"Well, you could just pull an extremely dangerous flying maneuver to get on the ship," Fad said.
"No, I'll do it the easy way," Jet said.
---
Sometime later, aboard the prison ship…
"Yeah, that was easy," Fad said. "You know how to do everything."
"I do!" Jet said. "Because I'm Jet Black!"
"Quit bragging and let's find this guy," Fad said.
"Let's split up," Jet said. "Like in Scooby Doo!"
"Okay," Fad said. Jet and Fad went off in different directions.
---
Meanwhile, elsewhere on the ship…
"Mwahaha!" Udai laughed. "Now I can sell drugs to all the little animals!"
Udai cackled insanely.
"Stop right there, Udai!" Fad yelled.
"Oh, it's Jet's little friend," Udai said. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to take you down!" Fad said.
"Good for you," Udai said. "But you know, your pathetic little friend Jet lost his arm fighting me."
"I don't need my arms," Fad said.
"Do you need your head?" Udai asked.
"Well, yeah, we all do, I mean-"
Udai took out his gun and shot at Fad. Fad dodged to the side.
"Hey!" Fad yelled. "I wasn't ready!"
Udai shot Fad in the chest. Fad clutched his chest and fell over.
"Crap," Fad said. "You killed me."
"Well, duh," Udai said. "That's what I do. I'm the freaking bad guy."
Udai put his gun up and walked out of the room.
"Crap," Fad said. "I'm dead."
Fad died. It was sad.
---
Elsewhere on the ship…
"I just felt a disturbance in the Force," Jet said. "I think somebody died!"
Jet ran around the ship until he found Fad's body.
"Fad! Noooo!" Jet yelled in anguish. "Nooo!"
Jet began running in circles.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-"
Jet took in a breath.
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Jet took in another breath.
"I see you found your friend," Udai said, walking into the room.
"You killed him!" Jet yelled.
"Uh, no, actually, uh… the flying monkeys killed him," Udai said.
"Really?" Jet said.
"No," Udai said. He took out his gun. "And now, you die."
Udai began firing at Jet. Jet rolled out of the way.
"Crap," Jet said. "I think I'm in over my head."
"Ewww," Udai said. "Being in crap over your head?"
Udai threw up.
"You seriously thought about that?" Jet asked. "You are a sick, sick man."
"No, you're a sick man for making me think about being buried in crap!" Udai yelled. "I mean, geez, that'd be kinda nasty, you know?"
"Well, yeah," Jet said. "But it's not nice to think about it."
Udai threw up again.
"Are you done?" Jet asked.
"Yeah," Udai said. He began firing at Jet again.
"What do I do?" Jet thought. "Wait, I know! My metal arm!"
Jet stuck out his metal arm. The bullets bounced harmlessly off of it.
"Oh crap!" Udai said. "Eww, I thought about it again…"
"Take this!" Jet yelled, punching Udai in the face with his metallic arm.
"Oh man, that hurt!" Udai yelled.
"And this!" Jet yelled, punching Udai in the stomach. Udai doubled over.
"It hurts a lot more getting punched with a metallic arm than with a real one," Udai said. "God, that smarts!"
"Now take this!" Jet yelled. "The final blow!"
Jet whammed the metal arm over Udai's head. Udai fell over, KOed.
"Metal arms are so much cooler than real arms," Jet said. "Wait, Udai's not dead yet."
Jet took out his gun and shot Udai, killing him.
"Guns are so much cooler than metal arms," Jet said.
---
BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…
"So, Faye," Jet said. "Did you ever find that hot water?"
"Yeah, I did," Faye said. "But on the way to get it, I got attacked by gangsters, I befriended a young youth, I learned the art of Tai-Chi, I played Yu-Gi-Oh with some other kid, I stopped a Kamehameha from destroyed the Earth, I punched out Muhammad Ali, I became a Sailor Scout, and I bought a stuffed cow doll on E-Bay."
"Did you really?" Jet asked.
"No," Faye said. "I found the hot water in a tank in the back of the ship."
"See how much better it feels when you tell the truth?" Jet asked.
"No, it doesn't," Faye said.
"Good for you," Jet said.
See you, space cowboy...
---
Edward: After not appearing in that episode at all, Edward gets to star in the next one!
Spike: Lousy contract.
Edward: Anyway, Edward gets to run around chasing drug dealers while Spike and the others get tripped out on bad mushrooms!
Faye: What?
Edward: Yep, even you, Faye-Faye! And even Ein gets hooked on hallucinogens!
Ein: *barks*
Jet: Whoa, hold the phone… we use drugs next time?
Spike: THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
Edward: Hey, Edward doesn't use the mushrooms!
Faye: She's got a point.
Edward: Next episode of Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Samba No. 5"!
Jet: You trippin'?
