Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. Drugs are bad, m'kay? And so is racial profiling! BTW, I'm white, but racial profiling is bad! I'm also a Democrat, so I'm gonna make fun of Republicans in this chapter. ~_^

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP…


"So hungry," Faye groaned.


"We haven't had food in weeks," Spike said.


"And we don't have money to get food, either," Jet said.


"Edward want food…" Edward moaned.

"Why don't we land on a planet and try to get free food?" Faye asked.

"Free food? Nothing's free, Faye," Spike said.

"I've flashed people for food before," Faye said.


"That's sad," Spike said.

"There's gotta be some other way to get food," Jet said.

"Edward could get food!" Edward said. "With my charm, I can get anythiiing!"

"Edward's got a point," Jet said. "Okay, we'll land on that planet over there-"

Jet pointed.

"And Edward will get food," Jet said.


"Sounds good," Faye said.

"Yaaaay!" Edward cheered. "Food for Bebop! Food for Bebop!"

---

The Bebop landed on the strange planet.

"Alright," Jet said. "Ed, go find us some grub."

"Edward will be back soon!" Edward said. "Bye bye!"


Edward hopped out of the Bebop and ran off in search of food.


"Ein, you can come too!" Edward said. Ein barked and ran off with Edward.

"Think they'll come back in one piece?" Faye asked.

"Not bloody likely," Spike said.

---

Session 17: Samba No. 5

---

Edward skipped through the desert landscape with Ein by her side.


"No food yet," Edward said. "Awww…"

After walking some more, Edward and Ein happened upon an African-American man and an African-American woman talking.

"You still owe me that money," the woman said.

"You owe me my shrooms!" the man said.

"Oooh! Mushrooms!" Edward said happily. "Ein, didja hear that? Didja didja?"

Ein barked.

"I'll give you the shrooms when you give me the money," the woman said.

"You've got enough money!" the man said. "But I don't got enough shrooms. Ya dig? Gimme my shrooms!"

"No," the woman said, climbing into her car. "You give me that money, and I'll think about giving you the shrooms."

The woman turned the key in the car's ignition.


"Oooh, Ein, let's follow her, okay?" Edward said. Ein barked. The girl and the dog hopped into the trunk of the African-American woman's car as it drove off.

---

The car drove up to a small town. A policeman approached the car.

"Good morning, officer," the woman said.

"Hello there," the officer said. "How are you doing today?"

"Not bad," the woman said.

"Now, you know the deal. You're black, so we've gotta completely search your car," the cop said.

"That's racial profiling!" the woman protested.

"Now now, ever since that black guy stole a cookie from the cookie jar, we've had to completely search the cars of every African-American that comes into this town," the cop said.

"But what about those two white dudes that blew up that abortion clinic, killing fifty people? Or that one white guy that went into a bar and shot everyone there? Or-"

"Let's not bring white people into this," the cop said. "Now let's see what you've got in the trunk."

The cop popped open the trunk, revealing Ed and Ein, who had fallen asleep inside.


"Hey," the cop said. "You've got kids in here."

"Wha?" the woman said.


"You're a dirty kidnapper," the cop said. "I'm taking you in."

Suddenly, a shady-looking white guy's car drove past. The cop waved to him.


"Good morning, sir," the cop said. "Go on through."

"Thank you," the shady-looking white guy said. Suddenly, the trunk popped open to reveal a teenaged girl who had been in the trunk.


"Help me!" the girl yelled as the car drove past. "He kidnapped me!"

The trunk snapped shut.


"Hey," the African-American woman said. "Aren't you gonna stop that guy?"

"Why would I do that?" the cop asked. "He's white."

While the cop was busy taking the woman into custody, Edward and Ein popped out of the trunk and ran off.

---

In the town…


"Tra la la, skipping through town!" Edward sang to herself. Ein nuzzled Edward's leg.

Suddenly, Edward spotted a man's watermelon booth. She walked up to it.

"Hello!" Edward said. "May Edward please have a watermelon?"

"If Edward has money," the man said.


"No, Edward doesn't have any…" Edward sighed. "But may Ed have one for free?"

"I'm running a business here," the man said. "Not one of those bleeding-heart hippie free stores. Ya dig? We don't run things that way on Republica, the Republican Republic!"

"So that's why that cop was racist," Edward said. "And that's why you're making fun of hippies!"

"Bingo," the man said. "By the way, vote for George Bush V! Oh wait, the voting age here is 30. Sorry."

---

Meanwhile, in the police station…

"Okay, you'd better explain yourself!" the police chief said.

"Well, you see…" the woman said. She pulled out a flash flare. "Bye!"

The woman tossed the flare at the chief.

"Argh!" the chief yelled. "I'm blinded!"

The woman ran out of the police station, got into the chief's cruiser, and drove off.

---

Meanwhile, Edward and Ein were still looking for food.

"Edward is soooooo hungry," Edward said.

Ein barked.


"Ed knows, but-"

Edward tripped over something. She fell to the ground.

"Ow!" Edward said. "Edward tripped! What's that?"

It appeared to be a large basket of mushrooms. Edward picked it up.

"Mushrooms!" Edward said. "It's food!"

---

Back at the Bebop…

"Wow, gotta hand it to ya," Spike said. "You found food."

Spike ate one of the mushrooms.


"These aren't bad," Faye said.

"Good work," Jet said. "You've earned your keep."

Spike, Faye, and Jet began eating the mushrooms.

"Here ya go, Ein!" Edward said, feeding one of the mushrooms to Ein. "Now it's Edward's turn!"

Edward picked up one of the mushrooms. She sniffed it.


"Hey, wait," Edward said. "This mushroom smells kinda funny!"

"Funny mushrooms?" Spike said. "That's insane. There's no way that-"

Spike's eyes took on a vacant look.


"I'm trippin' out, man…" Spike said.

"Me too," Faye said. "Whooooa…"

Jet and Ein also began to "trip out".

---

THE HALLUCINATIONS-

Spike floated inside a giant bubble.

"This is paradise," Spike said. Suddenly, a huge bunny appeared.

"Roar!" the bunny roared.

"Whoa," Spike said. "Giant bunny."

The bunny roared again.


"Mean giant bunny!" Spike yelled. "Mommmmmmy!"

---

Faye sat up in her bed. Several very good-looking men were in the bed with her.

"Wow," Faye said. "Derek Zoolander, Michael Jordan, and Michael Jackson. This is great!"

Suddenly, the good-looking men all turned into giant bunnies.

"Oh crap!" Faye yelled. "Giant bunnies!"

---

Jet was in a police outfit on the show COPS.

"We've got a 10-50," Jet said into his radio.


"No," another cop said. "It's a 10-51."

"What's a 10-51?" Jet asked.

"Giant bunny attack," the cop said.


"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Jet yelled.

---

A giant bunny began chewing on Ein.


"Woof woof woof!" Ein barked.

END HALLUCINATIONS-

Outside the Bebop…


"Edward's gotta find out who those bad mushrooms belong too so Ed can stop them!" Edward said. She continued to run until she saw a train that was being loaded up with mushrooms.

"Finally I get my shrooms!" said the African-American man from earlier.


"And I get my money!" the African-American woman said.


"No, you don't!" Edward yelled. "Edward's gonna stop you!"

"Yikes!" the woman yelled. "It's Pretty Sammy!"

"No," the man said. "It's just a dumb redhead girl."

"Let's run anyway!" the woman said. The man and the woman hopped onto the top of the train as it drove off.

"Hey!" Edward yelled. "Edward's coming after you!"

Edward hopped onto the top of the train.

Let's kick the beat!

The mushroom dealers ran on the tops of the train cars. Edward followed them.

Listen to the rhythm tracks!

"Edward's gonna catch you!" Edward yelled.


"Run from the kid!" the woman said. The man and woman continued to run.

Afghanistan! Iraq! Baghdad! Kandahar!

Kabul! Palestine! Just bring us back to...

The man and woman continued to run until they reached a dead end. Edward cornered them.


"Now you're all Edward's!" Edward yelled.

Mushroom hunting! Mushroom hunting!

"Crap, we've got nowhere to run," the woman said. "Stop the train!"

The train stopped. The man and woman hopped off… right into the hands of law enforcement.

"Yay!" Edward yelled. "You're under arrest!"


Edward did a victory dance on the top of the train.

---

Later…

"And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling kid!" the woman said.

"Yeah!" the man said.

"Wait a sec," Edward said. "Wouldn't the black people being bad guys make this a racist Blaxploitation fic?"

"Not really," the cop said. "You see…"

The cop took off his mask to reveal that he was, in fact, black.


"And the bad guys are white trailer trash," the cop said. "See?"

The cop took off the man and woman's masks to reveal that they were, in fact, white trailer trash.


"But affirmative action's just as racist as Blaxploitation," Edward said.

"Trying to make everybody happy is like trying to… uh… do something that's impossible," the cop said. "You just can't do it."

---

Back at the Bebop…

"Look what Edward brought back!" Edward said. "More mushrooms!"

"But those mushrooms are bad," Spike said. "They made us trip out."

"Yeah," Faye said. "Get those away from us."

Suddenly, the cop from earlier walked up to the Bebop crew.

"Hey," the cop said. "Can I see your mushrooms?"

"Sure," Edward said.


"No!" Spike yelled.

"They're bad mushrooms," Faye said. "Please don't arrest us, Mr. Cop!"

The cop walked over and inspected the mushrooms.


"No, they're good mushrooms," the cop said. "They're shitake mushrooms. They're yummy."

"See!" Edward said. "Edward knows what mushrooms are good!"

"You didn't before," Jet said.

"By the way," Faye said, "if all the mushrooms around here were bad, how did you end up with good ones?"

"Edward doesn't know, Faye-Faye! But can we just eat?" Edward asked.

"This is all a bunch of shitake," Spike said.

See you, space cowgirl...

---

Spike: On the next episode, we get to see even more of Faye's past!

Jet: And Chibi Faye!

Edward: Isn't Chibi Chibi Faye-Faye cute?

Spike: Chibi Chibi Faye-Faye!

Jet: Chibi Chibi Faye-Faye!

Edward: Chibi Chibi Faye-Faye, we love you!

Faye: STOP IT!


Edward: Next episode of Bebop: The Funny Sessions, "Chibi Chibi Faye-Faye!"

Faye: *shakes her head in disgust*