Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own the rights to crazy nerd people! So feel free to use crazy nerd people in your stories!

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"Hey Faye!" Jet yelled. "You got mail!"

Faye ran up to Jet.


"Mail? For me?" Faye asked.

"Yep," Jet said.

"But before you can have it," Spike said, "you've gotta pay Jet the 13,000 wulongs it took to get it here."

"What?" Faye asked.

"Or, you and I can spend a night in the-" Spike said before Faye cut him off by slapping him.

"No way!" Faye said. "Keep your stupid package!"

Faye looked at it closer.

"Besides, it's got no return address," Faye said. "It could have anthrax in it. No thanks."

Faye started to leave.


"Where are you going?" Jet asked.

"Like I said, I don't want to get anthrax," Faye said, leaving the Bebop.

"Suit yourself," Jet said.


"You want to get anthrax?" Spike asked.

"Yes," Jet said. "Er, I mean no!"

"I'm opening the package," Spike said.

"What if it has anthrax?" Jet said.


"I'm dead anyway," Spike said.

"Oh yeah, I forgot. The whole 'my girlfriend is dead, I've got nothing to live for' thing," Jet said.


"Exactly," Spike said, taking out a knife and cutting open the package. "No anthrax. Just… a thing."

Spike removed the "thing", a videotape, out of the package.

"What is this?" Spike said.

---

Session 18: Chibi Chibi Faye-Faye

---

"Looks like a big plastic thing with tape in it," Jet said. "Only the tape's not sticky."

"Must be one of those new dispensers," Spike said. "Or maybe it's a device for decorating parties with."

"Decorating parties?" Jet said. "Spike…"

"I don't know what it is," Spike said.


"I know a good way to find out," Jet said. "I'm gonna take it to Earth and sell it. They love that crazy stuff on Earth."

"Yeah," Spike said. "Earth sucks."

"Heh heh," Jet laughed.


"Heh heh," Spike repeated.

"Heh heh."

"Heh heh."

"Heh heh."

"Heh heh."

---

On Earth…

"I've gotta find out what this thing is," Jet said, carrying the tape through the streets of a city. "And why it was sent to Faye."

"Maybe Faye's crazy," Spike said.

"Well duh," Jet said. "We all know that. But what is this thing? I'm curious."

"Because you're in love with Faye?" Spike asked.

"No, you are," Jet said.

"Whatever," Spike said.


Finally, Spike and Jet arrived at the door of a small store. A sign on the door said "Will Buy Anything".

"Will buy anything?" Jet asked. "This looks like a good place."

Spike and Jet walked into the store.

---

Inside the store was a huge collection of relics from the 20th and 21st Century. There was a very nerdy-looking man at the back of the store who appeared to be watching TV. Spike and Jet walked up to him.

"Hey," Spike said.


"What'll you give us for this?" Jet asked. He plunked the tape down in front of the man.


"Well, let's see here…" the man said. His eyes grew wide. "OH MY GOD!"

"What is it?" Jet asked. "Is it anthrax?"

"No, it's better than anthrax!" the man said. "It's… Beta!"

"Beta?" Jet asked.

"Hey, is that a lump in your pants?" Spike asked.


"No time for that now!" the man yelled. "It's Beta! Beta Beta Beta Beta Beta!"

"What's Beta?" Spike asked.

"Isn't Beta the second letter of the Greek alphabet?" Jet asked.

"No, you idiot! Beta is the Greatest. Recording. Format. Ever!" the man screamed. "Before the days of high-definition TV, fancy holograms, and DVDs, people used videocassettes to record stuff!"

"Like porn?" Jet asked.

"Yes, but they recorded other things too!" the man said. "Like soap operas!"

"Soap operas with porn?" Jet asked.

"Well, this one I'm watching is… never mind!" the man said. "Anyway, videocassettes were analog, unlike DVDs, which are digital!"

"Ana-what?" Spike asked.

"There were two types of videocassettes. Beta and VHS! VHS was fine and dandy, except for the fact that it completely, utterly sucked. But Beta…"

The lump in the nerdy man's pants grew.


"BETA WAS THE GREATEST THING EVER! BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP YOUR GOD, THE MIGHTY BETA!" the man yelled, bowing down to the Beta cassette.

"O….kay," Jet said. "So, how much will you give us for it?"

"6,000 wulongs," the man said.


"Fine, we'll take it," Jet said.


"But first, I wanna see what's on it!" the man said, popping the tape into a Beta tape player. "See, these only run on Beta players, and this is the only one. It's absolutely irreplaceable."

The man pressed "Play".

---

The videotape showed a very young girl. She was standing next to a lake of some sort, her back facing the camera. She began to turn around.

"Who's that?" Spike asked.

But just before she turned around, the screen began to flash with static.

"Hey!" the man yelled. "It's broken!"

"I know how to fix it," Spike said. He took out his gun and shot the Beta VCR, destroying it, but leaving the cassette unharmed. It popped out, and Jet grabbed it.


"Spike," Jet said, "shooting things doesn't always fix them."

"378 out of 379 isn't bad," Spike said.


"You… you wrecked my Beta!" the man yelled, his eyes welling up with tears. "My only love!"

The man put his head into his hands and cried.

"You killed my Beta! You'll be sorry!" the nerdy man yelled.

"Whatever," Spike said. "Let's go, Jet."

"Alrighty," Jet said, leaving the store with Spike.


"Come back here!" the man shrieked. "You killed my wife, and you'll pay! YOU'LL PAY!!!"

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"So, Jet, what do we do now?" Spike asked.

"I still wanna see what's on that tape," Jet said.

"Sounds good to me," Spike said. "Because I'm bored, ya know?"

"Yeah," Jet said. "Bored."


"Heh heh," Spike laughed.

"Let's not do that again," Jet said.

---

In an abandoned museum on Earth…

"So you're sure there's a Beta VCR in here?" Jet asked.

"I'm positive," Spike said.

"Why's that?" Jet asked.

"Because of the sign, stupid," Spike said.

He pointed to a huge, 100-foot high sign that said "BETA VCRs HERE!"

"Oh," Jet said. "Wonder why they'd have a huge sign like that?"

"To save someone some trouble," Spike said.


"Who?" Jet asked.

"I dunno," Spike said. "Guys like us."

"I see," Jet said.

Jet and Spike went deeper into the museum. Eventually, they reached the electronics exhibit.

"This is the place," Spike said.


"Hey, it's all dark in here. Where's the Beta?" Jet asked.


"I dunno, just grab one!" Spike yelled.

"But what if we grab a VHS instead?" Jet said.


"I said, just grab one!" Spike yelled. "There's no way it could be a VHS."

---

Back aboard the Bebop…


"Well, let's do this thing!" Spike said. He popped the Beta tape into the cassette player. Or at least he attempted to.


"It won't fit," Jet said.

"That's because it's VHS!" came a cute voice from behind Spike and Jet. It belonged to Edward. "Beta won't play on VHS, silly-sillies! Nope nope!"

Ed preceded to do cartwheels around Jet and Spike. Then, she cartwheeled out of the room.

"See, I told you we shouldn't have grabbed one without looking!" Jet said. "But nooo…"

"Hey, it was a 50-50 shot," Spike said.

"Your luck really sucks today," Jet said. "That does it. I give up."

Ed ran back into the room, carrying a large package.

"Package for Faye-Faye!" Edward said.

"Package for Jet," Jet said. He opened the package.

"Oooh," Edward cooed. "Beta!"

"Wonder who it came from?" Jet asked.

"It's got a name on it this time," Spike said. "It's from some guy named Ry Sen-"

Faye walked into the room.


"I'm back!" Faye said. "You wouldn't believe the crazy adventure I had! This big nerdy guy kidnapped me and took me to his shop, saying that he wanted revenge for his wife! Her name was Betty or something, I don't remember. Anyway, there I was, about to be killed, when this really muscular and handsome guy bursts through the roof! He had blonde hair and blue eyes, and there was this strange aura about him! He used this attack called a Kemmy-Hemmy-Hack or something, and anyway, he rescued me! And now I'm here!"

"Yeah right, Faye," Spike said. "Stop making stuff up."

"I'm seriously telling the truth!" Faye said.

"Whatever," Spike said. "We're about to watch your tape. But you can't watch."

"Why not?" Faye asked.


"Because you didn't pay for it," Jet said.


"Fine," Faye said. "I don't want to see it."

Faye walked out of the room. Ed hooked up the Beta to the Bebop's TV.


"All set!" Edward said. "Let's watch!"

Jet popped in the Beta tape. Meanwhile, Faye was watching from just outside the room.

---

A small girl was standing beside a lake. She turned around. It was the adorable Chibi Faye!

"I'm making this tape for-" Chibi Faye said, before several giggles were heard in the background.

"What's wrong, Faye?" asked an off-screen voice that sounded like it belonged to another girl.

"Nothing," Chibi Faye said. "Let me finish!"

Chibi Faye began dancing cutely on the screen.


"Yay! Yay! Yay!" Chibi Faye said.

The scene ended. Another scene began. Now it appeared that Chibi Faye was standing inside a small bedroom.

"This tape is addressed to me in the future! Anyway… even though you might wake up from cryogenic sleep on a postapocolyptic Earth, and then be conned by a con artist, and then be captured by the Vanilla Coke Mafia, and then end up inside a bounty hunter ship, and go on a bunch of crazy adventures, just remember that you're still Faye-Faye, and we're on the same team! Yay! Yay! Yay! Go me! Me! Wooo!" Chibi Faye cheered and began dancing on the screen. The tape ended.

---

"Wow," Spike said. "That really… sucked?"

"Yeah," Jet said.


Faye gasped.

"That sucked, Jet," Spike said.

"Heh heh," Jet laughed.


"Heh heh," Spike laughed.


"Heh heh."

"Heh heh."

"Heh heh."

"Heh heh."

"Heh heh."

"Heh heh."

"Hey Spike," Jet said.


"Yeah, Jet?" Spike asked.


"That sucked."

Heh heh… heh heh…

---

Spike: Next time on the Funny Sessions, you get to find out where my fighter comes from!

Faye: What about my fighter?


Spike: The Redtail sucks.


Jet: Heh heh.


Spike: Stop that.

Faye: I want a Redtail episode!

Spike: Sorry, Faye.


Ed: Faye-Faye always gets the shaft!

Faye: I HATE THIS!

Spike: Next episode, "Wild Seahorses"!

Faye: This sucks.


Jet: Heh heh.