Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own Beavis and Butthead, or the sport of couch fishing. Heh heh, lawyers suck.
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
Special Tribute: This session of Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions is dedicated to the people that died on September 11, 2001 in the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, as well as the heroic NYPD and FDNY personnel that saved countless thousands of lives, and the passengers aboard Flight 93 who fought off terrorists so that more tragedy could be prevented. We salute you all.
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ABOARD THE BEBOP…
Jet was sitting by the window with an amused smirk on his face. Edward cartwheeled up to him.
"Ooooh!" Edward said. "What'cha doin' there, Jet-person?"
"I'm playing couch fishing," Jet said. "It's fun."
"Couch fishing?" Edward asked.
"Faye's the bait," Jet said, laughing.
---
The Redtail floated out in space. Faye was sitting inside, looking very angry.
"I can't believe I'm being used as bait for couch fishing," Faye groaned. "This is so degrading."
Faye sighed. She picked up the radio in her ship and called Jet.
"Hey!" Faye yelled. "I don't like this!"
"Shut up," Jet said. "You suck. Heh heh."
"Stop that!" Faye yelled. "Why don't you get Spike to be your bait?"
"Spike's my best friend," Jet said. "You're not. Besides, Spike's on Earth getting the Swordfish looked at."
"That's not fair," Faye said. "I want to go to Earth right now to get the Redtail looked at."
"It doesn't work that way," Jet said. "You're going to be my couch fishing bait and you're going to like it. Maybe we'll catch a big fat guy or something."
"This is NOT fair," Faye grumbled.
"Quit your whining," Jet said. "Fine, I'm coming out there to help you out. But you still gotta be the bait."
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Session 19: Wild Seahorses
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On a small settlement on Planet Earth…
"Yes!" yelled a young teenage boy listening to a small radio. "Go Blue Sox!"
"And it's the bottom of the ninth," the announcer said. "Bases loaded, and the score is tied at 77. Now, here comes the star of the Blue Sox, Barry Bonds IV! He's hit 769 homers so far this season, including nine today! He's only used four bottles of performance enhancing drugs today, so he's playing almost completely without outside help!"
"Why did Barry have to skip those last seven bottles?" the boy said. "We'll lose for sure now. He only thinks of himself nowadays."
"And Barry swings…" the announcer said, "and… oh my gosh, it's going, going, gone! Blue Sox win! Blue Sox win!"
"Alright!" the boy yelled. "Blue Sox!"
"Miles, are you gonna listen to the Blue Sox all day, or are you gonna help me out?" yelled an old man's voice from inside a large garage.
"Sorry, Doohan," Miles said. "But I just love the Blue Sox!"
Doohan sighed.
"The Anaheim Pagan Idols are better," Doohan said.
"Are not!" Miles protested. "The Blue Sox are gonna win it all this season! I know it!"
The wind around the settlement began to kick up as Spike's Swordfish drove up to the garage.
"What's that?" Miles asked.
"I don't believe it," Doohan said. "Spike!"
"Spike?" Miles said.
Spike landed the Swordfish in the garage and hopped out.
"Hey there, Doohan," Spike said.
"What brings you back here?" Doohan asked.
"You know, the usual. I came to get my yearly check-up," Spike said.
"Okay, just don't take off your pants this time," Doohan said. Spike and Doohan began laughing.
"I mean the ship," Spike said, still laughing. "Man, you're an funny as ever."
"I didn't hear anything funny," Miles said.
"Shut up," Doohan said. "I'm talking to someone."
"He always says that," Miles grumbled under his breath.
---
Meanwhile, out in space, three space pirates were floating around in their spaceship, looking for things to harpoon. Two of the pirates were male, and one was female.
"I like harpooning things, George." the male space pirate said.
"Yeah, me too, Harmon." the other male space pirate said.
"Harpooning things rules," Harmon said.
"Yeah, it does," George said.
"Heh heh."
"Heh heh."
"Heh heh."
"Heh heh."
"WOULD YOU TWO STOP?" the female space pirate yelled. "We've got more important things to attend to!"
"Like what, Ruth?" George said.
"Do you know why we harpoon things?" Ruth asked.
"Because it rules?" Harmon asked.
"No! We harpoon ships because it gives them viruses! And then we steal from them!" Ruth yelled.
"So we're like Team Rocket, then?" Harmon asked.
"Because Team Rocket rules," George said.
"No! We're like space pirates!" Ruth yelled. She pointed at the Redtail, which was floating out in space. "Now harpoon that ship!"
---
Meanwhile, Faye, in the Redtail, was unaware of the space pirates about to take the bait. Jet, who was in the Hammerhead, was floating a small distance away from her.
"Hey Jet," Faye said, "I'm going back."
"No way," Jet said. "I'm not stopping my game of couch fishing because of you. Besides, we caught something. Look."
"Huh?" Faye said, turning around and seeing the space pirate ship. "Well, what do ya know?"
Suddenly, the ship fired its harpoon, right through the Redtail.
"Yikes!" Faye yelled. "I can't control the ship!"
The Redtail began firing on Jet's Hammerhead.
"What the heck?" Jet yelled.
"I told you, I can't control the Bebop!" Faye yelled.
"Crap, we are royally screwed," Jet said. "This sucks."
---
"Alright!" George yelled. "We got her!"
"Heh heh," Harmon said.
"Stop that," Ruth said. She looked at the Bebop. "Now harpoon that big… uh… ship thingy!"
"You got it!" Harmon said, firing another virus harpoon at the Bebop. It went right through, sending a virus into the Bebop's system. "Bwahaha! Sucks to be you!"
The space pirates flew off.
"This sucks," Faye said.
"Heh heh," Jet laughed.
---
Back on Earth…
"There ya go," Doohan said. "I repaired the Swordfish."
"What did you repair?" Spike asked.
"Well, I repaired all the wheels," Doohan said. "And… uh… that's about it."
"The wheels didn't need fixing," Spike said.
"Well, I've sorta gotten into the habit up fixing people's wheels when they don't need them," Doohan said. "So I can charge them more."
Spike laughed.
"I'm serious," Doohan said.
"Oh," Spike said.
Suddenly, the phone rang.
"It's probably from one of my customers," Doohan said. "They call and cuss me out every day. 'Doohan, you (bleep) ripped me off!' or '(bleep) you, Doohan!' Stuff like that."
Doohan picked up the phone.
"Uh huh," Doohan said. "I see."
"Who is it?" Spike asked.
"It's your friends," Doohan said. "They're in trouble."
Spike took the phone.
"Hello?" Spike said.
---
"Spike, you there?" Jet asked.
"Tell him about the pirates!" Faye yelled.
"Pirates?" Spike said.
"Yeah," Jet said. "They harpooned the Bebop and the Red Tail, and now we've got a virus."
"How do you get a virus from a harpoon?" Spike asked.
"I don't know, but-" Jet said before Edward grabbed the phone from him.
"You see, the tip of the harpoon's programmed with a computer-virus thingy that uses the ship's electricity to inject the Bebop-bop with a virus!" Edward said. Jet grabbed the phone back.
"Don't do that again," Jet said.
"I see," Spike said. "I'll be right there."
---
Spike hung up the phone.
"Well, I gotta go, Doohan," Spike said. "The dorks back on the Bebop need me."
"Yeah, they suck," Doohan said,
"Heh heh," Spike laughed.
"Heh heh," Doohan laughed.
"Hey, don't you guys think the Beavis and Butthead gags are being ran into the ground?" Miles asked. "I mean-"
"You suck," Spike said.
"Heh heh," Doohan laughed.
---
Back on the Bebop…
"So you have to single-handedly save the day by catching the pirates and ridding us of the virus," Jet said.
"If anyone can do it, Spike-person can!" Edward cheered.
"Yeah," Faye said. "Besides, I love you. And you have to save the woman you love."
"I love you too, Faye," Spike said. Spike and Faye looked at each other… and collapsed to the ground in pain.
"What the heck are you two doing?" Jet asked.
"I hate Faye," Spike said.
"I hate Spike," Faye said.
"Gooood for you!" Edward said.
---
Meanwhile, out in space…
"Now that they're under the virus' control, we can finish them off!" Ruth yelled.
"Because they suck?" George asked.
"Yes, because they suck," Ruth said.
"Heh heh," Harmon laughed. "They suck."
Ruth sighed. Suddenly, Spike's Swordfish flew out of the Bebop.
"It's time to clean up the juvenile trash in this town," Spike said. "You guys are going down."
"Uh oh!" Ruth said.
"This sucks," George said.
"Yeah, this sucks," Harmon said.
"Stop doing that and fire the freaking harpoons!" Ruth yelled.
"Oh, right!" George said. "Fire!"
Hundreds of harpoons began shooting at Spike. Of course, being the flying expert that he was, he managed to avoid them all, except for one.
"Crap!" Spike yelled. "Now I have to actually fly this thing instead of letting a computer do it for me."
Spike flicked a switch, and the Bebop began flying manually… right toward Earth.
"Crap on a crap cracker!" Spike yelled. "The Earth's gravity is pulling my ship in!"
"Bwahaha!" George yelled. "You suck!"
"Heh heh," Harmon laughed. "Heh-"
The space pirates' ship collided with a chunk of the moon, killing them all.
"Serves them right," Spike said. "But I've still gotta dodge all the meteors and somehow make it back to the Bebop! There's no way I can do it!"
Spike began wailing like a little baby as the Swordfish careened toward Earth.
---
Back on Earth…
"Spike's in trouble!" Doohan yelled.
"I managed to buy the space shuttle off of Ebay," Miles said. "Would that help Spike?"
"Eh, it's worth a shot," Doohan said.
---
Back out in space…
"I don't wanna die!" Spike yelled as the Swordfish hurtled toward Earth. "I don't-"
Suddenly, the Swordfish was grabbed by the space shuttle's mecha arm.
"Wow," Spike said. "I'm not going to die!"
"Well, of course you're not!" Doohan said. "I saved you!"
"I helped," Miles said. "I spent 100 wulongs on Ebay for this space shuttle."
"Shut up, Miles," Doohan said. "I did all the saving."
"You suck, Miles," Spike said.
"Heh heh," Doohan laughed.
"Heh heh," Spike laughed.
"Heh heh," Doohan laughed.
"I'm in a sea of idiots," Miles said to himself.
---
Back aboard the Bebop…
"What'cha doing, Jet?" Spike asked. Jet was busy working on something. Spike couldn't see what Jet was working on.
"I'm gonna try couch fishing again," Jet said. "With the same bait. But it'll be better this time."
"Why's that, Jet?" Spike asked.
Jet stepped to the side to reveal Faye, who was in a spacesuit and tied to the Bebop's robotic arm.
"I hate this!" Faye yelled.
"Stop your whining," Jet said. "You've got to earn your keep on this ship."
"I don't want to be the bait again!" Faye yelled. "I- mmmph!"
Jet had stuffed a sock into Faye's mouth. He put a space helmet on her head and positioned the robotic arm outside the ship.
"Couch fishing rules," Jet said.
"Yeah," Spike said.
"Heh heh," Jet laughed.
"Heh heh," Spike laughed.
"Heh heh," Jet laughed.
"Heh heh," Spike laughed
"Heeheheheheheheheheeeeeeee!" Edward giggled, laughing like a hyena.
"Stop that," Spike said.
See you, space cowboy…
---
Spike: Next episode, we promise not to use any more Beavis and Butthead references!
Jet: Yeah, it's just creepy references to Batman.
Spike: How is Batman creepy?
Edward: Mark Hamill-person creeps me out!
Spike: Luke Skywalker?
Jet: *sighs* I don't get to do anything next episode…
Spike: Ha ha!
Faye: Mmmph!
Spike: You still got her out there, Jet?
Jet: I'll untie her in time for the next episode, I swear!
Spike: See that you do.
Jet: Because you love her?
Edward: Ooooh!
Spike: Argh! No! Next episode of Bebop: The Funny Sessions: "What The Fou?"
Jet: What the fou is that supposed to mean?
Spike: I dunno.
