NOTE: Alrighty, guess you're all wondering why I've not updated for 10 days… you see, on last Thursday, when I was going to post this chapter, Indiana had one of its infamous thunderstorms. A huge bolt of lightning went right through my crappy surge protector and zapped my modem into oblivion. So, seven days later, I've finally got a new one. Yay! Now to return to my favorite hobby… making teenage girls cry! *gets dirty looks* Erm, with laughter! Yeah, that's it! ^_^
Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own Osama Bin Laden… that dubious honor belongs to the United States Military, whose brave men will go into the caves of Afghanistan, drag him out kicking and screaming, and allow the families of the 3,000 victims of September 11th to beat him to death with rusty spikes. Die, Bin Laden, die! ^_^
Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.
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The scene: the top floor of a large twin tower complex on Mars. There, evil was afoot!
"Mwahaha!" laughed everyone's least favorite turban-wearing terrorist, Osama Bin Laden, as he planted a bomb near one of the windows. "I will blow up these American infidels and their obscenely huge buildings! Mwahaha! They haven't caught me for 70 years, and they won't catch me now!"
Bin Laden laughed as he ran down the stairs. The timer on the bomb began to tick.
"Mwahaha!" Bin Laden laughed, running down an escalator. "These fools will pay for their evil ways!"
But just as Bin Laden reached the bottom of the escalator, he was tapped on the shoulder. He turned around.
"Who are you?" Bin Laden asked. He was staring into the face of Spike Spiegel, who was holding Bin Laden's bomb.
"Here you go," Spike said, handing the bomb to Bin Laden. "You left this upstairs."
"Uh, I don't want it," Bin Laden said. "Leave it up there."
"But it looks like it's valuable," Spike said. "You wouldn't want to lose it!"
"Infidel!" Bin Laden yelled. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a spherical pump that was hooked up to his shirt. "You're just jealous you don't have these!"
Bin Laden squeezed the pump repeatedly, pumping up fake breasts that were hidden inside his shirt.
"I don't want those," Spike said. "Besides, Faye's are bigger."
Bin Laden cried out in frustration.
"Infidel!" Bin Laden yelled again. "Grrr… die, you American infidel!"
"I'm not American," Spike said.
"Shut up!" Bin Laden yelled.
At that moment, "Go Go Cactus Man" began to play in the background.
"What is that?" Bin Laden asked. A faint galloping noise in the background grew louder and louder.
"Wha?" Spike stammered. "Whoa, look!"
Spike pointed to a horse galloping toward the two men. The man on the horse was wearing a cowboy outfit and wearing a cowboy hat.
"Who are you?" Bin Laden asked.
"I'm here to apprehend the evil terrorist, Osama Bin Laden!" the man on the horse said. He turned to Spike. "And I've finally found him!"
"Who, me?" Spike said.
"Yes, you!" the man on the horse said. "I'm Cowboy Andy and I'm taking you down!"
---
Session 22: The Banned Episode (?!?!?!)
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"Infidels!" Bin Laden yelled, grabbing his bomb and running out of the building.
"You're going down, Bin Laden!" Cowboy Andy declared.
"But I'm not Bin Laden!" Spike protested. "I don't even wear a turban!"
Andy gasped.
"You racist!" Andy yelled. "Not all terrorists wear turbans!"
"But Bin Laden does!" Spike said. He took out a picture. "See?"
"Oh," Andy said.
"I think he got away," Spike said.
"It's your fault!" Andy yelled.
"My fault?" Spike said.
"Yeah, your fault!" Andy yelled.
---
But while Spike and Andy were about to throw down, Bin Laden's evil plans were about to take hold! Oh no!
"Now to teach the American infidels a lesson!" Bin Laden said. He took out his bomb and heaved it into the towers.
"BOOOOOOOOOM!"
---
"Did you hear that?" Spike asked.
"Yeah!" Andy said. "I'm outta here!"
Andy galloped off on his horse.
"Thanks a lot," Spike said. "Jerk."
Spike ran out of the towers right before they collapsed. He looked around, but no one was in sight.
"Where did he go?" Spike asked. "Did he die?"
"No, I didn't die!" Andy yelled from the distance. "You big jerk!"
"Poophead!" Spike yelled.
"Buttface!" Andy yelled.
"Jerkweed!" Spike yelled.
"Doodywad!" Andy yelled.
---
ABOARD THE BEBOP…
"So that big doo-doo head said that I was Bin Laden!" Spike yelled. "Can you believe it?"
"That doo-doo head is the famous Andy Oniyate," Jet said. "He's the heir to a lot of money. Kind of like Bin Laden, only Andy's good and Bin Laden's bad."
"Andy's bad!" Spike yelled. "He's even worse than Bin Laden! Remember that commercial? Bad Andy, good pizza?"
"I think Andy's kinda cute," Faye said. "I want him to be my boyfriend!"
"You would," Spike said.
"Either him, or you," Faye said. "I love you, Spike Spiegel."
"I love you too, Faye Valentine," Spike said. "Let's get married."
Spike and Faye both facefaulted.
"Oooh!" Edward said. "Big masquerade party tonight! Bin Laden's planning to bomb it!"
"Really?" Spike asked.
"Oooh," Jet said. "Now's my excuse to wear that hippie stuff and get out my stash."
"You have a stash?" Spike asked. "You never gave any to me."
"Yeah," Faye said. "Quit Bogarting it."
"It's my stash," Jet said. "I shot up some mean dudes to get it. And I had to hide it from the pigs a few weeks ago. Get your own stash."
Bigshot- The Show For Bounty Hunters
Paunch: Wow, today's bounty is a real bad man!
Judy: That's right! His name is Osama Bin Laden!
Paunch: He's wanted for blowing up the World Trade Center, the rebuilt World Trade Center, the re-rebuilt World Trade Center, the Triplet Towers, the Quadruplet Towers, the Miscarriaged Octuplet Towers, and most recently, the Mars Trade Center on Mars. He's also wanted for giving seizures to kids. Like this!
*screen flashes blue and red rapidly for 5 minutes*
Judy: And what's the bounty on him?
Paunch: 100 billion wulongs! *puts pinky to lips*
"Whoa," Faye said. "They must really hate this Bin Laden guy."
"No duh," Jet said. "Let's catch him!"
---
At the masquerade party on the top floor of the "Yes, We Know This Building Is Really Tall And Sticks Out Like A Sore Thumb But Please Don't Blow It Up, Okay? You're On The Honor System" Building…
"Wow, Faye, you look really freaking hot in that costume," Spike said. "Will you marry me?"
Spike facefaulted.
"I know I look hot," Faye said. "I hope Cowboy Andy shows up so I can flash him!"
"Wha?" Spike said.
"Er, I mean… uh…" Faye stammered before Jet walked up. Jet was wearing a long brown wig with a t-shirt that had pictures of every single illegal drug on it. He was also smoking a joint.
"Hey dudes!" Jet said. "Peace and love, ya know?"
"Peace and love," Faye said. "Whee."
---
But in the bathroom…
"Mwahaha!" Bin Laden yelled, placing bombs around the room. "This time, the American infidels will die!"
Bin Laden ran out of the bathroom.
---
"So far, so good," Faye said.
"Yeah," Spike said. "At least you-know-who hasn't shown up. Ya know?"
But Spike's happiness was short-lived as "Go Go Cactus Man" began playing again.
"No," Spike said. "No, no, no!"
Cowboy Andy rode in on his horse.
"I love you!" Faye yelled. "Take me with you!"
"I'd love to, little lady, but I have to apprehend Bin Laden!" Cowboy Andy said. "And then-"
"BOOOOOOOOOM!"
---
"Mwahaha!" Bin Laden yelled, running out of the building. "Die, American infidels!"
Bin Laden began waving a gun at various people and pumping up his fake breasts.
"You know you want these!" Bin Laden yelled.
---
Glass showered the patrons of the masquerade party.
"Aaah!" Faye yelled. "Andy, save me!"
Cowboy Andy pulled Faye onto his horse. The horse rode off, down the stairs and out of the building.
"Hey!" Spike yelled. "What about me?"
"Peace and love, man!" Jet said.
---
At Cowboy Andy's apartment…
"So, Andy," Faye said. "Are you attracted to me?"
"Well, not really," Andy said. "But you're a cute little lady."
"Ugh," Faye said. "I suddenly find you unattractive because you're just like Spike."
"I'm not like Spike!" Andy yelled. "I'm like John Wayne! The Duke!"
"Sure you are," Faye said. "Mr. Spike Spiegel Impersonator."
"I'm not Spike, I'm a space cowboy!" Andy said. "A space cowboy! John Space Wayne! Wayne Space John! John Wayne Space! Cowboy Wayne! Spacey Space Wang!"
"Wang?" Faye said.
"Er, Wayne, I mean," Andy said. "I mispronounced it."
"Just like Spike," Faye said.
"Argh!" Andy yelled.
---
BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…
"He's just like you," Faye said. "I hate him."
"I hate him too," Spike said.
"Where's the love?" Jet asked. "The love?"
Edward typed furiously on her computer.
"Oooh!" Edward said. "Edward knows where Osama-person is gonna strike next!"
"And where is that?" Spike asked.
"The Spears Tower!" Edward said. "As in Britney Spears!"
"Wow, a tower that looks just like 20th Century music performer Britney Spears," Spike said. "What'll they think of next?"
Spike looked closer at the picture of the tower.
"Wow," Spike said. "That tower has a nice rack. It'd be a shame to blow it up."
Spike stood up.
"I'm gonna stop Bin Laden from blowing it up!" Spike declared.
"I'm coming too," Faye said.
"You'd just get kidnapped again like you do every single time we chase a bounty head," Spike said.
"Andy would come and save me," Faye said.
"I thought you hated Andy," Spike said.
"I love Andy," Faye said. "I wanna marry him."
Faye facefaulted.
---
Meanwhile, at the Spears Tower…
"Mwahaha!" Bin Laden yelled, planting bombs inside the tower's "breasts". "Nobody's breasts are bigger than mine!"
Bin Laden began pumping his breasts again.
"Mwahaha!" Bin Laden cackled.
Suddenly, "Go Go Cactus Man" began to play. Bin Laden's eyes grew wide with fear.
"Not him again!" Bin Laden said. "But I have set a trap!"
Bin Laden ran out of the tower.
---
Meanwhile, outside the Spears Tower…
"There it is," Spike said. "Wow, that tower has a nice rack."
"I know," came a voice from behind Spike. Spike turned around.
"You!" Spike shouted. "Cowboy Pansy!"
Andy cringed.
"It's Cowboy Andy!" Andy yelled. He pointed at Spike. "You aren't fit to be a cowboy! I will own you!"
"Hey!" Bin Laden yelled. "American infidels!"
Spike and Andy continued yelling at each other, ignoring Bin Laden.
"Don't you want to know why I blow up buildings?" Bin Laden asked. "I'll tell you why!"
"Andy, you suck!" Spike asked. "And so does your mom!"
"Oh yeah?" Andy asked, putting up his fists. "Know what I've been through today? I've had to watch my best friend get hit by a car! I've been tied up and shoved into a trunk! And then, I've had a gun put to my head! I had to roll out of an exploding car while my mom had amnesia! You think you've got problems? BRING IT ON!"
Andy stopped.
"Wait," Andy said. "Wrong fictional character. Sorry."
Andy put up his fists again.
"Spike, I will rock your boxers! You are going to be in the dirt! I will kill you!" Andy yelled.
"Hey!" Bin Laden shouted. "Infidels! I shall blow up all the buildings in the name of Allah! I will rise to heaven, and you infidels shall all burn in Hell! Do you hear me!"
Bin Laden took out his gun and waved it around. Suddenly, he was spun around by Faye.
"Hey," Faye said. "Bin Laden!"
"Yes?" Bin Laden said. "You infidel! Showing your cleavage like that! You are a sinner!"
Bin Laden began pumping his fake breasts.
"Besides," Bin Laden said. "Mine are bigger! You wish you had these!"
"Actually, mine are bigger," Faye said. "Look! I'm the only one here that was alive in 2001! I saw those towers fall down!"
Faye grabbed Bin Laden by his shirt collar.
"You're perverting the Muslim religion, you know that?" Faye yelled. "God, or Allah, or whatever his name is, wouldn't tell someone to kill people! You make me sick!"
Faye's face turned red with anger.
"And plus, you've got a 100,000,000,000 wulong bounty on you," Faye said. "So I'm taking you in."
Faye slammed Bin Laden down, giving him the Stone Cold Stunner. Bin Laden passed out.
---
Meanwhile, Spike and Andy had rushed into the elevator to stop the bomb.
"Wait a second," Spike said. "This is a trap."
"I knew that!" Andy yelled. "We're both going to die if you don't do what I say!"
"No, do what I say!" Spike shouted.
"No, me!" Andy said.
"Me!" Spike said.
The elevator continued going up… and up… and up… until it reached the tower's giant breasts and the bomb inside.
"BOOOOOOOOOM!"
---
Meanwhile…
"Ha, got him!" Faye said, standing over the tied up and unconscious Osama Bin Laden. "But Spike and Andy died… that's too bad."
---
On the roof of the tower…
"How'd we get up to the roof?" Spike asked. "And why isn't the tower destroyed?"
"Guess the boobs that were built onto the tower absorbed the blast," Andy said. "But they're gone now."
"Crap," Spike said. "This tower had a nice rack."
Spike pointed his gun at Andy at the same time Andy pointed his gun at Spike.
"Grrr…" Spike growled. "I hate your guts."
"I hate your guts!" Andy yelled.
"Die!" Spike said. Andy and Spike began shooting at each other. Using their mad bounty hunter skills, they managed to dodge each other's shots and roll up to each other. They dropped their guns and engaged in hand to hand combat.
"Ha!" Andy shouted. "My kung fu is superior to your kung fu!"
"My kung fu is superior to YOUR kung fu!" Spike shouted, kicking Andy right in the groin. Andy doubled over.
"Crap," Andy said, clutching his groin. "You're right. I never would have thought of that… you are an honorable fighter."
Andy took off his hat and gave it to Spike.
"I'm gonna just be a samurai or something," Andy said. "But I'll be back!"
"When?" Spike asked.
"I dunno, maybe… next episode?" Andy said.
"You'd better not," Spike said.
Andy laughed.
"Next episode, you are going down!" Andy declared.
"Oh yeah?" Spike said.
"Yeah!" Andy said.
Andy and Spike spent the rest of the day growling at each other.
"Meh," Andy said. "I'm going home."
Andy hopped on his horse and rode off.
"But I'll be back!" Andy yelled.
---
Meanwhile, in the middle of the biggest city on Mars, Osama Bin Laden had been placed on the bench of a giant dunk tank filled with highly corrosive acid. People had been taking turns throwing tennis balls to try to knock him over, but they were having no luck.
"Ha ha!" Bin Laden yelled. "If you guys don't hit me by the end of the day, I get off scot free! You American infidels!"
Suddenly, a tennis ball came screaming toward the target that triggered the dunk tank. The ball hit it dead-on, sending the screaming Bin Laden tumbling into the acid.
"Argh!" Bin Laden screamed as he was melted into nothingness.
"Serves you right," said the man that had thrown the ball. He was wearing a samurai outfit. "You've just been taken down by… Samurai Andy!"
Samurai Andy laughed a victorious laugh.
See you in Hell, Bin Laden… ^_^
---
Andy: Mwahaha! Next episode, I'll be back!
Spike: No you won't.
Andy: Yes, I will.
Faye: Yes!
Spike: Hey Faye, what did you spend your bounty money on, anyway?
Edward: Faye-Faye gambled it away-way!
Jet: It figures.
Andy: Anyway, the next episode is entitled "Andy's Counterattack"!
Spike: No it isn't. It's something like "Brain Munch", or "Brain Crash", or "Brain Smashed", or "Butt Scratch". Something like that!
Andy: No… *points* It's "Andy's Counterattack".
Spike: Crap… it is.
Andy: *laughs*
Spike: Stop that!
