Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I wonder what the asking price for Faye is? 5 million? 10 million? Hmmm…

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

"Yo yo yo, it's Brainmasta Londes here, bringing meaning to you foo's meaningless lives! Yo' brain controls all, and I can help you do so much mo' with it! Take that boring wreck of a life of yours and come with me to da higha' plane of the VR world! Can you feel the powa'? Can you feel it? Can you dig it?"

"Yo Londes!" yelled a chorus of voices. "Scratch can dig it! Sucka!"

---

Session 23: Andy's Counterattack

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP-

"Ugh," Spike said. "Why did you insist on joining Bebop?"

"To keep you in check," Cowboy Andy said. "We can't let your fanbase exceed mine."

"I'm gonna exceed your face with my fist!" Spike yelled.

"Shut up!" Andy yelled. "You can bring it if you want some!"

"Eww," Spike said.


"Not like that," Andy said. "Pervert."

"Quiet you two," Jet said. "I'm trying to watch TV."

Jet began flipping the channels.

---

CHANNEL 136-

Man: Yo, dis Scratch is fly, ya dig?

Reporter: But reports of people dying-

Man: Yo, dose suckas didn't die! Dey just went on to da next life, ya dig?

Reporter: I guess so…

*channel changes*

CHANNEL 161-

Anchorman: Can we really exit our human bodies and rise to the higher plane?

Ren Hoek: Of course not, you VEEDIOT! Pathetic humans will be enslaved by the alien race! DO YOU HEAR ME?

Anchorman: Uh…

Ren Hoek: VEEDIOT!

*channel changes*

CHANNEL 209-

Carson Daly IV: We're here live at SCRATCH Central for Total Request Live!


Faye: Woooo!

Carson Daly IV: Are you a member of SCRATCH?

Faye: That's right!

Carson Daly IV: Why are you a member of SCRATCH?

Faye: I don't have to explain myself to you, Carson! You suck! *flips off the camera* This is for you, Spike!

---

"Can you believe that?" Spike said. "Faye runs off and joins some crazy cult, and now she's flipping me the bird on interplanetary TV."

"She didn't flip me off," Andy said. "I think she likes me."

"Whatever," Spike said.

"Hey guys, that cult they were talking about, SCRATCH?" Jet said. "Well, there's a bounty out on its leader. It seems that members of the cult are killing themselves."

"What?" Spike said.

"My beloved Faye joined that cult!" Andy said.


"Beloved Faye?" Spike asked.


"Yeah, I have a crush on Faye. What's it to you?" Andy yelled.

"Stop bickering, you guys. There's a 38 million dollar bounty on Londes," Jet said.


"I don't care about the bounty, I just want my Faye back," Andy said.

"Faye's mine," Spike said. "I love her."

Spike facefaulted.


"What happened to you?" Andy asked.

"Nothing," Spike said, getting up and brushing himself off. "I want that 38 million. I'm going after this SCRATCH."

"I'm going after SCRATCH," Andy said.


"Ed and I are going after SCRATCH," Jet said.


"That's right!" Edward said. "Yep yep!"

"Is this some sort of competition?" Spike asked. "Like a contest?"

"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play.

"I must rescue Faye!" Andy declared. "With God as my witness, I will never go hungry again!"

Andy rode off on his horse, which he had brought into the Bebop. Did I mention the horse? No? Too bad. Andy brought his horse! *shakes fist* He brought it!

"Hey!" Spike yelled. "You got a head start! No fair!"

Spike ran after Andy.

---

Meanwhile, at SCRATCH HQ…

Faye ran through the building, looking for Londes.

"That bounty is mine!" Faye yelled. "All mine!"

Faye ran into a large room filled with monitors.

"Okay, Scratchmaster, or whatever your formal title is… I've caught you!" Faye yelled. The lights in the room flashed on.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Londes' voice yelled. "Nobody messes with da Scratchmaster!"

"I'm messing with you," Faye said.


"I don't dig that, dawg," Londes said. "You need an attitude adjustment!"

"What kind of attitude adjustment?" Faye asked.

"From mah zombie slaves!" Londes yelled. Suddenly, zombies of everyone that had committed suicide surrounded Faye.

"Oh crap," Faye said. "I'm getting captured by the bad guys again! Man, this sucks."

---

Back on the streets….

"I'm catching Londes first," Spike said.

"No, I am," Andy said. "If he's hurt my precious Faye, he will feel my samurai wrath!"

Andy took out his samurai sword and began swinging it around.


"Would you not do that? Please?" Spike asked.


"Are you jealous that you don't have a sword?" Andy asked.

"Sort of," Spike said.


"Good," Andy said. A SCRATCH member walked up to them.

"Yo, can you dig the beat?" the SCRATCH member asked.

"No, but I can dig this," Spike said, shooting the SCRATCH member in the head.


"Why'd you kill him?" Andy asked.


"I'm Spike Spiegel. I can kill anyone I want!" Spike said.


"I can too!" Andy said. "But I'm a samurai. And samurais never kill. Unless you're a ninja. Samurais kill ninjas."

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"We would have found Londes if Andy hadn't been such a jerk," Spike said.


"You're a jerk," Andy said.

"Well, we haven't found anything either," Jet said.

---

Bigshot- The Show For Bounty Hunters

Paunch: Wow, Londes is a very bad hombre!

Judy: That's right! He's got a biiiiiig bounty on him! What did he do?

Paunch: He caused 100 people to commit suicide! Unfortunately, he's sort of a mystery!

Judy: An urban legend wrapped in an enchilada!

Paunch: Enigma, not enchilada, you dumb blonde.


Judy: Dumb blonde? (Bleep) you!

Paunch: Why, you stupid (bleep)!

Judy: (Bleep) (bleep)! *flashes her breasts* (bleep)!

Paunch: Oooh! *goes in to cop a feel*

Judy: Oh, (bleep) no! *takes out an Anime Babe Mallet and wallops Paunch*

Producer: *walks up to Paunch and Judy* You guys are canceled! We're getting complaints from thousands of people! *sees Judy's breasts* However, I can keep you guys on the air, if-

Judy: Pervert! *takes out a gun and blows off Paunch and the producer's heads* Hmph!

---

"Best. Episode. Ever." Jet said.

"Now what do we do?" Spike asked.

Suddenly, the phone rang. Andy ran over and grabbed it.

"Hey!" Spike yelled. "It's not for you!"

"Shhh!" Andy yelled, shushing Spike. "It's Faye!"

---

"Er, Andy?" Faye asked.

"Yes?" Andy said.

"I sorta got captured by the bad guys… could you or preferably Spike come to save me?" Faye asked.


"Preferably Spike?" Andy yelled. "PREFERABLY SPIKE?"

"Yes!" Spike said in the background.


"Do not worry, Faye, for I, the great samurai Musashi will rescue you!" Andy said, hanging up the phone.

"Musashi?" Spike said. "That's a load of bullcrap! I'm saving Faye!"

Spike facefaulted.

"I'm getting the bounty money!" Spike yelled, running off.

"And I'm saving Faye!" Andy yelled, running off.

"And I'm playing this new Xbox VR Machine!" Jet said, picking up the helmet and putting it on his head.

---

"Yo, yo! Get ready to experience the ultimate interactive experience, dawg!" Londes said. "You gonna experience the thrill!"

"The thrill!" Jet said. "Whoo!"

"Dat's right, dawg! You gonna become what'cha never could!" Londes yelled. "You gonna-"

"Ed wants to play toooo!" Ed said, ripping the VR Xbox off of Jet's head.

"Whoa, I think that thing's possessed," Jet said.


"Why is that, Jet-person?" Ed asked.

"When I put it on, some guy tried to hypnotize me," Jet said. "I bet it's the key to finding Londes."

"Why?" Ed asked.

"Just shut up and help me advance the plot," Jet said.

---

Meanwhile, at the SCRATCH HQ…


"Ha!" Spike said. "I got here first!"

"Go Go Cactus Man" began to play.

"No," Spike said. "NO!"

Andy and his horse rode up to the building. Andy leaped off the horse and drew his sword.


"I shall rescue Faye!" Andy said. "And you can watch."

"Watch?" Spike said. "I'm gonna watch my foot go up your butt in a second!"

Spike kicked at Andy's backside. Andy skillfully dodged out of the way.

"Ha!" Andy said. "Now to save Faye!"

Andy ran into the building.


"I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate-" Spike said. The screen turned red. "Hate, hate, hate, hate, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE you, Cowboy Andy!"

Spike ran off after Andy.

---

Meanwhile, at Microsoft HQ in Seattle…

"I have some sort of hunch that the root of the problem is here," Jet said. He was wearing an Abe costume.

"Why are we dressed up as Abe and Munch?" Edward asked. She was wearing an adorable Munch costume.

"To infiltrate Microsoft and nab Londes," Jet said. They went into the building.


"Who are you?" the receptionist asked.


"Mascots coming through," Jet said.

"Mascots! Mascots! Yay!" Edward cheered.

"How cute," the receptionist said. "Go on in!"

---

Back at the SCRATCH HQ…

"I've done it!" Andy said, running into the giant room with the monitors. "Where are you, Faye, my precious?"

Spike ran into the room and stood next to Andy.


"Where's Londes?" Spike asked. "And my money?"

The room lit up to reveal Faye, who was lying on the ground, unconscious. She was surrounded by a legion of SCRATCH zombies.

"Zombies, drop da bomb on these suckas!" Londes' voice yelled.

"Let's go to work," Spike said, taking out his gun. "A Little Less Conversation" began to play in the background.


"Funny, that's not a Bebop song," Andy said. "Oh well, it sets the mood."

Spike and Andy ran at the zombies and began shooting and slashing them. Finally, the zombies were dead. Actually, they were dead to begin with… let's say they were incapacitated. Yeah, that works.

"Alright," Andy said. "You hurt Faye, and you're going to pay!"

"Wait!" Londes yelled. "Don't you want to hear my manifesto?"

"I guess," Spike said. "It couldn't hurt. Go ahead, start ticking people off."

"Alrighty then!" Londes said. "My true identity is revealed!"

A face appeared on all of the monitors. The face of-

---

"Bill Freaking Gates," Jet said, staring at the man lying unconscious on the hospital bed, hooked up to a huge computer.

"Who's Bill Gates?" Edward asked.

"He's a 20th century technology mogul. I guess this whole SCRATCH thing was his latest evil plan," Jet said. "I'm taking him out."

Jet pointed his gun at Bill Gates. Suddenly, the evil man disappeared.


"BWAHAHA!" yelled an evil voice. "You can never defeat the mighty Bill Gates!"

---

"And so, I took on the identity of Londes, a crazy DJ loosely based on the guy from Jet Set Radio, a franchise EXCLUSIVELY owned by Xbox!" Bill Gates yelled. "Microsoft rules all!"

"Okay," Andy said. "That still doesn't explain why you knocked out Faye."

"Silence, mortal!" Gates yelled. "Next, I want to go on the record to say that TV is evil, because it takes people away from their Windows-equipped Microsoft computers and their Microsoft Xboxes."

"Hey now," Spike said. "Don't knock TV."

"I was going to kill Faye as my next act of evil, forcing her fanboys to convert to the pixellated babes of Dead or Alive, another Xbox owned franchise!" Gates laughed.

Spike and Andy exchanged worried looks.


"And as my final words to you," Gates said, "God doesn't exist! Bwahaha!"

"You really shouldn't say that," Andy said. "You'll make God angry."

"Yeah," Spike said. "I'd stop saying that."

"God doesn't exist! God doesn't exist! God doesn't exist!" Gates yelled.

"Er, I wouldn't do that…" Spike said.

"And why not?" Gates asked.

"Because when God gets angry," yelled a booming voice from the heavens, "PEOPLE DIE!"

A huge lightning bolt came down from the sky and zapped Bill Gates and his evil monitors into oblivion.

"Wow," Andy said. "I only thought that stuff happened in the Bible."

Faye's eyes slowly began to flutter open. Andy and Spike both ran to her.

"Faye?" Spike and Andy both said in unison.


"Wow," Faye said. "Two guys… I must be dreaming…"

Faye fell back to sleep.

---

BACK ABOARD THE BEBOP…

"So you're leaving?" Faye asked. "You shouldn't!"

"Don't listen to her, Andy," Spike said. "Get the freak out of here."

"Well, I must go! More evil to fight, more babes to rescue! The fight never ends!" Andy said. He picked up Faye's hand and gave it a gentle kiss. "For you, my space beauty. May the sun never set on your beautiful face."

"See, Spike, you should be more like him," Faye said.

"I thought you said Andy was just like me," Spike said.

"Wait, I am?" Andy asked.


"Don't listen to Spike, he's a jerk," Faye said. "Even though I am in love with him."

Faye facefaulted.

"Adieu, friends!" Andy said, riding off into the sunset as the Bebop took off and flew overhead. "Call Me, Call Me" began to play.

"Hey!" Edward yelled. "That's Edward's farewell song!"

Faye and Jet began crying.


"Andy!" Jet cried. "We'll miss you!"

"Waaaah!" Faye whined.


"I guess it's sad," Edward said. "But what song are they gonna play when Edward leaves?"

"You're leaving, Edward?" Spike asked.


"Er… no, Spike-person! Edward's never gonna leave!" Edward said.

"Then why-" Spike said.

"Shut up, Spike-person!" Edward yelled.

See you, Andy… oh man, we're all gonna miss you… *cries*

---

Edward: On the next episode of Bebop… I leave!

Spike: Why?

Edward: Because you were mean to Edward!


Faye: When?

Edward: When Andy left! You were mean mean!

Ein: *barks*

Edward: Oh Ein, you're the only one who's nice to Edward!


Ein: *barks*

Edward: Next episode of The Funny Sessions, "Hard Knock Woman"!

Spike: It's a hard knock life!