Note: Cowboy Bebop: The Funny Sessions… will have a sequel! Called Cowboy Bebop: The Funnier Sessions, it will be 26 additional episodes taking place after Bebop! Hopefully, I should begin writing on it in Spring 2003. More details later!

Disclaimer: I don't own Cowboy Bebop, or any of the characters. I also don't own Stone What? Cold What? Steve What? Austin What? WHAT?

Warning: For the purpose of comedy, most of the characters are OOC. Just warning you now.

---

ABOARD THE BEBOP…

Faye sat on her bed, watching videos of her younger self.


"There's Chibi Faye… but where is she?" Faye said. "Where is Chibi Faye at?"

Faye continued scanning the screen, looking for any clues that might lead to finding her home.

"Darn, nothing there…" Faye said. "Let's see… God, it would be a whole lot easier to see the background if Chibi Faye would STOP DANCING!"

Chibi-Faye kept dancing on the screen.


"Geez, I must have been a real annoying kid," Faye said. "I bet no one liked me."

Suddenly, a lion's head fountain could be seen in the background. Faye paused the screen.

"Lion's head? Wha?" Faye said. "I get the feeling I'm being watched."

Faye turned around to see Edward sitting behind her.


"Aaah!" Faye screamed. "What are you doing here?"

"Ed wanted to help Faye-Faye!" Edward said. "Edward knows where that lion head thingy is!"

Faye grabbed Edward by the neck.

"TELL ME!" Faye screamed.

"Well, Edward doesn't actually know…" Edward said. "Wait, Edward does. No, Edward doesn't…"

"WHY YOU LITTLE!" Faye screamed. She began choking Edward much like Homer Simpson chokes Bart.

"Ack!" Edward coughed.

"TELL ME!" Faye shouted again. "TELL ME!"

Faye began kissing Edward on the lips repeatedly.

"Oops," Faye said, dropping Edward. "You see, I thought you were Spike there."

Faye facefaulted off of the bed.

---

Session 24- Hard Knock Woman

---

"Hey," Jet said. "We're on Earth."

"We're supposed to be on Mars!" Spike said. "What happened?"

"Think the Kay Pirates hijacked our ship?" Jet asked.


"Or Team Rocket messed up our controls?" Spike asked.

"Or maybe Frieza pushed us off course with his powers," Jet said.

"I wonder…." Jet and Spike sighed.

---

Meanwhile, outside the ship…

"Why did Faye-Faye redirect the Bebop's course?" Edward asked. "Bad Faye-Faye!"

"Bad Faye-Faye?" Faye said indignantly. "For your information, I'm trying to find where I lived. You got a problem with that?"

"I have a problem with you kissing me, Faye-Faye," Edward said.


"Deal with it," Faye said. Faye and Edward continued to walk.

---

Elsewhere on Earth, a large piece of the moon had crashed to the surface.

"Whoa, we got another one!" yelled a man who was now running toward the impact site. He was followed by another man.

"Slow down, Applederry!" the other man said.

"And why's that?" Applederry asked. "You can't go fast enough?"

Applederry pulled an egg out of his pocket and hurled it in the man's face.


"Hey," the man said.

"Ha ha ha!" Applederry laughed. "Looks like you got caught with egg on your face, Macintyre!"

"That's not funny," Macintyre said.

Applederry continued laughing.


"Why do I bother?" Macintyre sighed in an exasperated tone.

---

Meanwhile, Faye and Edward had reached a small city.

"The lion's head thingy is here," Edward said. "I think."

"Well, you just keep on thinking," Faye said. "I think I'll go over here and look around some more."

But suddenly, a large group of kids ran up to Faye and Edward.

"Whoa," one of the kids said. "A new friend!"

The kids began surrounding Faye and dancing.

"Hey, this isn't one of those pickpocket schemes where the kids run up and take your money, is it?" Faye asked.

"You're funny!" another one of the kids said.


"She must be a clown! She's got balloons in her shirt!" yet another kid yelled. "Balloons!"

"We want balloons!" the kids began chanting.

"Uh, these aren't balloons," Faye said.

"Oh…" the kids sighed dejected.


"Hey, and Ed's with her!" another kid said.

"Edward's back!" the kids began chanting.


"Yeah, Ed is back!" Edward said. "Ed's back!"

An old nun ran up to the kids.

"Hey, what are you kids doing?" the nun asked. "Wait a minute… Edward, you came back?"

"Wait, you know these people?" Faye asked.

---

Later, at a large dinner table in a run-down orphanage…

"And that's how I met Edward," the nun said. "She just wandered in here one day. And then she left."

The woman looked at Edward angrily.


"WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, A MINIMUM-SECURITY PRISON? YOU CAN'T JUST COME AND GO AS YOU PLEASE!" the woman screamed. Edward giggled.


"Ed won't leave again!" Edward said. "Unless Edward pleases!"

"Okay," the woman said. "Let's eat. But first, we have to pray."

"But I'm an Atheist," one of the kids said. "Remember?"

The kid crossed his arms.


"I am so offended," the kid said.

"Sorry," the nun said. "Let's just eat then!"

---

Back aboard the Bebop…

"This really sucks," Spike said. "I'm getting no screen time."

"Maybe here's a way to get some," Jet said. "Look. A bountyhead."

Jet pointed at the Bebop's computer screen.


"Applederry," Spike said. "OH MY GOD! There's 50 million wulong bounty on this guy!"

Spike grabbed Jet by the shirt collar.


"We have to go after him!" Spike said.


"Fine, fine," Jet said. "Let's get him."

---

Back in the streets of the city, Faye had left the orphanage, leaving Edward behind.

"The kid'll follow," Faye said. "If she doesn't, that's her loss."


Faye continued walking. Suddenly, she was stopped by an old woman.


"Hey!" the old woman said. "It's you!"

"Me?" Faye said.

"You're Faye Valentine!" the old woman said. "I'm Sally Yung… don't you remember me? I was your best friend all throughout school! We graduated together!"

"Oh," Faye said.

"Why haven't you changed?" Sally asked. "You're a ghost!"


Sally screamed.


"AAAAH! GHOST GHOST GHOST GHOST GHOST!" Sally screamed, taking out a silver cross, a stake, and garlic. "Die, ghost, die!"

"No, no, no, no," Faye said. "I'm not a ghost. Besides, those things only work on vampires."

"Oh," Sally said, putting the stuff away. "You should tell me. Wait, you're not a ghost. You got cryogenically frozen."

"Duh," Faye said.

"After the accident," Sally said.


"What accident?" Faye asked. Sally began laughing.


"Oh, it was pretty funny. You see-" Sally said before she erupted into a fit of laughter. "Sorry. Anyway, you were on a golf course, and a big thunderstorm hit. But you had won a contest to play against Tiger Woods, and you were beating him. But when the storm hit, you wanted to finish up the game. But then, well, lightning hit you… and the rest is history!"

Sally began laughing again.


"The doctor said it was a shuttle accident," Faye said.


"He didn't want you to feel bad," Sally said. "You were having the game of your life, and you got hit by lightning!"

"I don't see how that's funny," Faye said.

"Oh," Sally said. "Well, it was nice talking to you."

A little boy walked up to Sally.


"Oh, wait, I have to introduce you to someone," Sally said. "This is Faye Valentine. I told you about her."

"Grandma said you were dead," the little boy said. "Wow, you have balloons in your shirt! Can I have one?"

Faye facefaulted.

---

Meanwhile…

"Well, that's it for today," Applederry said, putting up his computer. "Making maps is hard."

"But it's so rewarding!" Macintyre said, taking out a picture of an old-looking man. "Remember our great hero!"

"Ah, Rand McNalley," Applederry said nostalgically. "You who came before us. You never had to put up with robot farts that took out half of the moon."

Macintyre put up the picture just as Spike and Jet approached the two mapmakers.

"Hey," Spike said. "You're under arrest."

"Yeah," Jet said. "You're coming with us."

"Do you know who you're dealing with?" Applederry asked. "I am Applederry, the great and powerful!"

"Whatever," Spike said. "What the heck are you doing?"

"We're making maps," Macintyre said. "Every time a moon fragment hits the Earth, we change our maps. It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it!"

"I don't think anyone really cares," Jet said.


"Shows what you know," Applederry said. "We care, and that's all that matters. I love my job more than I love my kid! Where is the little squirt nowadays?"

"We don't care about your kid," Spike said. "We're taking you in."

Spike and Jet took out their guns and pointed them at Applederry.

"You guys are no fun," Applederry said. Applederry and MacIntyre began hurling eggs at Spike and Jet, knocking the guns from their hands.

"What the fou?" Spike said. Suddenly, Applederry's foot slammed into Spike's face, knocking him back. Spike launched a flurry of punches and kicks at Applederry, but the mapmaker skillfully dodged them all and decked Spike in the face again. Spike stumbled back.

"Did I mention Applederry is the World Kickboxing Champion 23 times running?" Macintyre said.


"It's true, it's true," Applederry said. "I'll make you tap out!"

"WAIT!" yelled a girl's voice from afar. The four men all turned around to see Edward running towards them.

"Edward?" Spike said.

"Francoise?" Applederry said.

"FRANCOISE?" Spike and Jet both yelled out in surprise. Edward hopped into Applederry's arms and gave Applederry a big hug.


"Finally, the prodigal son has returned!" Applederry said.


"I'm your daughter," Edward said. "Don't you remember?"

"I must have forgotten after that 19th kickboxing championship," Applederry said.

"Edward's your kid?" Jet asked.

"Yup yup!" Edward said. "Spike-person and Jet-person, meet father-person! Father-person, this is Spike and Jet!"

Applederry ran over and gave Spike the Rock Bottom, and then The People's Elbow.

"What was that for?" Spike asked, getting up.

"You guys are pedophiles," Applederry said.


"No no," Edward said. "You've got them confused with the other two guys!"

"Oh yeah," Applederry said. "Macintyre, did you kill those guys yet?"

"Yeah," Macintyre said.


"Good," Applederry said. "Anyway, thanks for taking care of my kid. Here ya go."

Applederry handed Spike and Jet a basket of eggs.


"What about the bounty?" Jet asked.

"That bounty was 50 wulongs, not 50 million!" Edward said. "Edward put a decimal point after the 50!"

"It figures," Spike said.

"Wow, this really sucks," Jet said.

"Not really," Spike said. "I like eggs!"

---

Meanwhile, Faye had miraculously found her old house! And it was miraculously still standing! She tried to get inside.

"The door's locked," Faye said. She rang the doorbell. A short bald man with a mustache stepped outside.

"Hey," the man said. "Who are you?"

"This is my house," Faye said.


"What?" the man said. "This house belongs to me, Stone Cold Steve Austin IV! Get off my property!"

"But I live here," Faye said.


"What?" Austin IV said.


"But-"

"What?"


"I-"

"What? What? What?" Austin IV yelled. "Now, I said get off of-"

"Oh, let the nice girl in," came a female voice from inside.


"You shut up, Debra!" Austin IV yelled. "I'm gonna stomp a mudhole in you and walk it dry!"

"I'll come back later," Faye said.


"You'd better never come back, or I'll open a can on you!" Austin IV said. "What? What? What?"

Faye closed the door and sighed.

"It was a pretty nice house," Faye said. "Guess that stupid wrestler must have bought it in the last 54 years."

---

I close my eyes and I keep seeing things

Edward handed a pinwheel to Spike.

"Go away," Spike said. "I don't want that stupid thing."

Because there's dust in there, and I had to blink


Spike stood at the window of the Bebop with a stern look on his face.

Pieces of the moon just came raining down

Jet walked up to Spike. Spike was looking at a message that Edward had spray painted on the Bebop's surface.

"'Bye bye Jet, and bye bye Faye, and bye bye Ein, but Spike is mean?'" Jet read. "Oh God, Spike, what did you say to make her leave?"

Those guys making maps are just stupid clowns

"I told her that she really sucked and I'd kill her if she didn't leave," Spike said. "Good riddance."

"God, Spike, you're a freaking jerk," Jet said.

Call me, call me

Get me another beer

Call me, call me

God, I really need a beer

Because I'm having a hard knock life

I get kicked and tripped every day now

Hard knock life

Hey, are those balloons?

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Faye was sleeping on Austin IV's doorstep.

"GET ME A BEER, DEBRA!" yelled Austin's voice from inside the house.

"Geez, I wish they'd stop arguing so I could get some SLEEP!" Faye yelled.

I had your number quite some time ago

Then you got that restraining order

But I can still get within 200 feet, right?

"Who is that?" Austin IV yelled from inside the house. "Is there a prowler out there?"

Faye screamed and ran off of Austin's property.

Maybe I should just play in the snow

'Cept for that spot there


Because it's yellow

Meanwhile, Edward was walking through the desert. Ein ran up to her.

Call me, call me

I really, really need a beer

Call me, call me

I'm freezing my arse off here

"You can't come with me, Ein," Edward said.

"Woof!" Ein barked.

"I don't even have a pooper scooper," Edward said.

Because I'm having a hard knock life

This song makes my voice crack

Maybe I should get a life

Or work at a racetrach

"Fine, you can come with me," Edward said. "But you have to hold it in."

Ein barked again.

"Peeyoo!" Edward said. "I said hold it in!"

Hard knock life

Work at a racetrack

What can I do?

To get through to you? (God, I REALLY could use a freaking beer over here…)

"Let's go, Ein!" Edward said. "Adventure awaits!"

Ein barked.


"No, we're not going to try to find Applederry. He's a deadbeat," Edward said.

See you, space cowgirl, someday, somewhere!

---

Jet: Everything has a beginning and an end.


Spike: Even this piece of crap series.

Faye: Next episode-


Spike: I thought you left for good!


Faye: No, I come back! That piece of crap Austin is sleeping in my bed! And he ate my porridge too!

Spike: Aw, I feel your pain. I guess- *eyes turn big* Julia…


Faye: Wholia?

Spike: JULIA! *clings to the screen*

Faye: Oh, your stupid girlfriend's in the next episode. Weee.

Jet: Only two episodes to go. Next episode: "The Real Spork Blues (Part 1)". I can't wait for this piece of crap to be over.