Scene 2

(Scene: Dezular, his zealots, Casper, and a Dark Templar the Player assigned to
them are walking in silence towards a distant base inhabited by the Terran with
sufficient minerals.)
Casper: (trying to start a conversation) So, Dark Templar, what's your name?
Zuljaar: Zuljaar.
Casper: That's an interesting name, how'd you get it?
(Silence)
Casper: Well, that's interesting!
(Silence)
Casper: So....
(Silence)
Casper: Um...
(Silence)
Casper: Okay.
(They walk on. The only sound is Casper's footsteps.)
Casper: So, how come you guys don't make any sound when you walk?
Dezular: Because we don't need to constantly flap our jaws, that's why.
Casper: That's not what I meant.
Dezular: (sultry voice)I know that, honey. Come here... (walks close to Casper and starts to rub his
back)
Casper: Ack!!! (tries to run from Dezular and trips over a rock. The zealots snicker, but Zuljaar is
quiet.)
Dezular: I'm just kidding. I would never go for you. In fact, if I were to go for any Terran, it
would be one of those medics... Mmm. I would lick my lips if I had any.
Casper: Grrrrrr! My girlfriend is... was a medic. She was... killed in an attack.
Zealot 1: And I'm sure she was yummy.
Casper: WHAT?!
Zealot 1: You know: Bitchin'. A 'Hot Mama,' if you will. I'm sure she was built like a brick
outhouse.
Casper: Show a little respect, will ya?! The chick's dead!
Zealot 2: Look, Casper. If it makes you feel any better, I'm sure you weren't the first– or the last–
to have ...intimate relations... with her.
Casper: What do you mean?
Zealot 1: It's common knowledge that the medics are only female, Casper.
Casper: So?
Zealot 2: So do you have any idea why the medics would be all female?
Casper: (doubtfully) Because it's a woman's job?
Zealot 2: No, you sexist bitch, because the medics are there to... um... how can I put it? I know! They are there to help the soldiers feel more..... comfortable.
Casper: Oh, I'M sexist now. How is it that the only Protoss chick in the game is the Matriarch?!
Dezular: No, she wasn't. Tassadar was secretly a chick. Ever seen the movie Mulan?
Casper: What? Oh, nevermind. Back to our old conversation: What do you mean?!
Zuljaar: Isn't it obvious, you fool?! The medics are there to mate with the soldiers.
Zealot 1: Don't be so insensitive, Zuljaar. Put it in terms this one can understand. Like...
To 'get jiggy' with them! To 'party' with them! To do the 'Hibbity-Dibbity', to 'rock the Casba'.
Casper: What? (looks confused)
Zealot 2: Damn, you're a stupid shit. They are there to have sex with the marines! They are trained to not care what's put into 'em, as long as the soldier has better morale afterwards!
Zuljaar: Aptly put, young warrior. When we accidentally mind-controlled one of them a couple missions ago, we all had a go at her.
Casper: (looks sick) Hold on a sec, will you?
(Casper disappears behind a bush. Vomiting noises ensue from it.)
Dezular: So did you really... you know... with a terran?
Zuljaar: Tsk, tsk, tsk. You see, young one, when you get to be my age, you start to understand that it's not
who you do it with, it's not when you do it, its how much you do it before you die.
Dezular: Ah.
(Casper reemerges from behind the bush. He looks grossed out and embarrassed.)
Casper: I forgot that I had my suit on. Anybody got a towel?
(All the other units are grossed out now too.)
Dezular: Gross, man! Here, use my shield generator and clean your damn suit! Don't want that
thing stinking up the place. Nasty ass.
(Later, after Casper cleaned out the chunks in his suit, he is engaged in a
distinguished conversation with two of the zealots.)
Casper: I'm telling you, there is no way a carrier could take out three battlecruisers, no matter
how upgraded it is!
Zealot 1: There is no way that less than five battlecruisers could take on a fully upgraded carrier and expect to win!
Zealot 2: Yeah. The battlecruisers would all be stupid and attack the interceptors.
Casper: Why would it only attack the interceptors? If I were a battlecruiser pilot, I think I could
probably figure out to attack the carrier!
Zealot 2: No you wouldn't. You never would have seen a carrier before, and never would attack
the one thing that isn't attacking you.
Casper: I would figure out when the interceptors kept on going back into the carrier to refill their
guns! Besides, what makes you think I would never have seen a carrier before?
Zealots 1 & 2: Because you would never survive the first encounter!
Casper: Why you....
(Casper pulls out his rifle. The zealots put up their dukes. They are about to go at
it when Zuljaar lets out a raspy laugh.)
Zuljaar: Foolish younglings! You are about to fight each other, yet you prepare for battle with the
enemy. Save your energy for the foe, don't go wasting it on your childish squabbles.
Zealot 2: How dare you!
(The zealot starts to go towards Zuljaar. Zuljaar readies his psionic blade.)
Zuljaar: You wanna fight me? Bring it on, bitch.
Zealot 2: No, uh... I just wanted to tell you that... uh... your shoelace is untied!
Zuljaar: Nice try. It wont work, though. It's been tried, and after about 6 times I wizened up. I
don't wear shoes.
(Casper snickers.)
Zuljaar: You want to fight me, infidel? I could kill you so quick you wouldn't even know what
happened before you were at the pearly gates.
Casper: I thought Protoss didn't believe in heaven.
Zuljaar: That's racism, sir, and I don't put up with racists.
Casper: Sorry!
Zuljaar: You better be. Racist bitch.
Casper: (fiercly) What did you say?!
Zuljaar: (turns on him) I said, racist bitch. You got a problem?
Casper: (mollified) No, sir.
Zuljaar: I thought not.
Zealot 2: Saaaaaalty!
(The group arrives at the Terran base)
Dezular: Finally!
Casper: Hey, I know this place! This is one of my old employers' bases! I could get us in, I think...
All I would have to do is pretend you guys are my prisoners. I couldn't take you as you are,
though, because it would look suspicious. I'm gonna have to dress you up as Zerg! Unfortunately,
I only have one suit...
(All the Protoss units look at each other.)
Zuljaar: Not it!
Zealots 1, 2 & 3: Not it!
Dezular: Not it! Ah, crap. Oh well, it seems simple enough...
(The remaining Protoss units snicker.)
Casper: Alright, Dezular! It's just you and me. Here, take this....put it on like that.
Dezular: Like this?
Casper: No, not like that! No! Stop!
*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP*
Dezular: Oops.
Casper: Don't worry, I have another plan.
(Ten minutes later....)
Casper: There! You look just like a POW!
Dezular: I feel silly.
Zealot 1: You look silly.
Casper: You wont look so silly when you report to the Player and he gives you a raise!
Dezular: I will in this.
(Dezular is dressed in a rubber horse suit that is finger-painted, none too expertly,
to look like a zergling.)
Casper: Lets go, hoss.
Dezular: Stop calling me that!
(Casper pulls Dezular into the base, his rifle pointed at Dezular's head.)
Casper: Hi, guys! It's me, Casper!
Marine 1: Casper? Is that really you?
Casper: Yep.
Marine 2: But you were mind-controlled by the Protoss!
Casper: Nope.
Marine 2: So why is your suit a different color?
Casper: Uh... an accident with a bucket of paint?
Marine 1: But we were assured by a firebat that you were indeed taken!
Casper: Who are you going to trust, some stupid firebat or your own eyes? Besides, I heard that that firebat
call you a... a.... (says the first thing that pops into his head) A salty, racist bitch.
Marine 2: That darn Gui Montag..... I'm gonna get him tonight in that bunker.
Casper: O.....kay. Hey, look what I brought back with me!
(Casper pulls Dezular into view.)
Casper: Its a zerglin'!
Marine 1: (dubiously) That's a zergling? Looks more like a guy in a rubber horse suit.
Dezular: (falsetto) Screech, screech! (Runs around in a circle)
Casper: See, it's a female zerglin'!
Marine 1: There are no female zerglings. They are all male.
Casper: Um........... It's a gay zerglin'.
Marine 1: What?! A gay zergling?! What are you, stupid? Besides, that didn't even sound like a
zergling! Sounded more like some guy yellin' "Screech screech" in a falsetto through a thick layer of
rubber.
Casper: No it didn't. It sounded exactly like a zergling, because this is a zergling and whatever
sound it makes will be what a zergling sounds like!
Marine 2: He's got a point.
Casper: See? It's a bona fide zerglin'!
(Casper kicks Dezular.)
Dezular: Ow!
Marine 1: What was that?
Casper: What was what?
Marine 1: That noise. It sounded like that zergling said "Ow!" Sounds like he's given up his
falsetto, too.
Dezular: (falsetto) No I haven't... I mean...screech! Ow! Stop kicking me, Casper!
Marine 1: That does it. That is definitely not a zergling! Get 'em!
(They point their guns at Casper.)
Casper: Hey, why point the guns at me?! This zergling is the one who betrayed you! I really am
Casper, and this (he points at Dezular) isn't Casper at all! And it's definitely not a zealot in a rubber horse suit, either.
Marine 2: What?
Marine 1: I don't care what you say, I know that is NOT a zergling!
Casper: Wait, you're right!... This..... isn't a zergling... it, uh, kinda looks like a horse!
Dezular: Uh, neigh?
Casper: (thinking fast) Hey..... Blacky! How'd you get outta the barn? Git! Git, ya hear?
(He smacks Dezular's rump)
Dezular: Hey, watch it!
Marine 2: You know, there is something suspicious going on! Stupid horse, die!
(He shoots Dezular, who falls over. The marines point their weapons at Casper.)
Casper: Ah, crap. No what am I going to tell Zuljaar and the others?.... ...oops.
Marine 1: Who is Zuljaar?
Casper: Um... Blacky's owner. Yeah, he'll be heartbroken. Hey! Watch where you're aimin' that
thing! You almost hit me! HEY!
(Suddenly, Dezular stands up and rips off his "disguise". His shield generator has
stopped the bullets. The marines stop shooting at Casper in suprise.)
Casper: Dezzy! You're ali.... I mean.... (feigning suprise) Hey, you!
(Pointing at Dezular and backing away)
Casper: You told me you weren't a zealot in a rubber horse suit! You swore it! Come on, Terran brothers, lets kill the Protoss spy!
(Casper looks over at the marines slyly to see if they are buying it. They aren't.)
Casper: Come on, guys.... Can we work something out? Um... I'll give you twenty bucks...
(One of the marines yells and bursts into a splatter of blood. The other one looks
over in suprise, then screams as he is sliced in half in one cleave. The blood is quickly absorbed by
the dry, cracked earth. The intestines, however, remain.)
Casper: Ew.
Dezular: Zuljaar, what took you so long? I contacted you like ten minutes ago!
Zuljaar: Oh, well, I got here on time, but I had to watch the show. Quite amusing.
Casper: What do you mean, "contacted"?
Dezular: Oh, I understand, but still, you might have sent something to me to let me know you
were there.
Zuljaar: Sorry. I was preoccupied with trying to keep from laughing out loud. Quite embarrassing,
not fitting for a Templar at all.
Casper: WHAT'S GOING ON?! Somebody fill me in!!
Dezular & Zuljaar: Shut up!
Casper: ............... Meanies.
Dezular: Casper, don't think you're off the hook just because I haven't mentioned it yet! What was
that about MY twenty bucks back there?!
Casper: Uh..... nothing...
Dezular: I thought so.
Casper: So I can keep it?
Dezular: Aha! You admit you have it!
Casper: No, I admit nothing! Nothing!! Deny everything!
Zuljaar: Ahem, guy who just saved your asses here!
Dezular: Oh yeah, thanks a bunch.
Casper: Yeah, thanks. But lets get outta here before the Terran realize that we are here and send
more units.
Zuljaar: But...
Casper: (trying to imitate Dezular behind his hand) I agree. Lets go. En taru adun, nagatsul. My
life for Auir. *&%$#)+@-%^!
(Dezular and Zuljaar give him funny looks.)
Casper: Well, come on, you heard him. Lets go!
Dezular: (confused) Was that really me? I guess I need to take a vacation...
Zuljaar: *sigh* We better follow him...he'll get lost if we don't.