I want to curse the fool who said 'all good things must come to an end.' Because it is true.
Sirius has stayed with me for three days, and those three days have been the happiest hours of my life. The years at school when I was a Marauder, and the years afterwards when Sirius and I lived together, pale in comparison to these past hours. Those years were full of an innocent happiness, a pleasure that had not known dark times. These days have been like coming back up for air after drowning, like hearing music again after going deaf. I have been whole again after being denied my mate for over a decade. I have been alive again.
And now he must leave.
He tells me this quietly, on the fourth morning, while we are drinking coffee. He does not look me in the eye. His voice is low.
And when he says those words - "I have to go" - I can literally feel my heart breaking. It hurts to breathe, hurts to look at him, but I cannot tear my eyes away from his bowed head, and I cannot stop my breath.
"Go?" I repeat dumbly.
"Yes," he says. Then he looks at me. There is pain in his eyes, but a hardened resolve. Sirius is stubborn - this I know. There will be no changing his mind, no pleading my case. But I have to try.
"Why?"
"Because I've got things to do. Things I have to do. I have to look after Harry-"
"You're lying, Sirius," I say bluntly. "I can smell it." And I can - even when I am not Changed, lycanthropy heightens my senses. I can smell that he is not being entirely honest. "Tell me the truth. Why won't you stay?"
His face is sad - no, not sad. Bitter. "Because I can't. There's too much happening-there's too much to do. There's going to be a war soon, Remus, and this time the Ministry isn't on our side." His words are quick, his reason rushing. "And you're a werewolf - and I'm a fugitive. And if they find me here, they'll be harder on you than on anyone else, Remus..."
What happened to the days when we were in it together? I want to ask. But there is only the deafening silence.
Then he goes on, "And if I stay with you any longer, I may never be able to leave."
My world is spinning around me - nothing quite makes sense. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that...if I stay with you, now, and we...well, start again...that would be a mistake. It can't happen right now." He pauses while I stare at him, stupidly. "Things have been bad for me, Remus," he continues, a little more softly. "And no matter how much we want it, this just - it would be a mistake."
A mistake. Being reunited with my mate, the other half of my life, heart, and soul, would be a mistake. I lean forward a bit, prop my elbows on the table and rest my head in my hands. I have to think. I have to tell myself this logic. Sirius is right. This cannot happen now - this would be a mistake.
While I am logically telling myself this, my heart is shattering within me.
"I'm sorry if I've upset you," Sirius says, watching me but not reaching out to touch me. "But it's the truth."
'Touch me!' I want to scream. 'Feel how much I need you! Don't you know I am dying without you?' But instead I say, "No, you-you were honest, I can't ask for anything else."
We sit in silence for long moments. I cannot even cry. I feel as though I am already dead inside.
"When are you leaving?" I finally ask.
"Tonight."
~~~
The day passes in silence, uncomfortable and anxious and upset. I do not know what I am doing, what either of us are doing. I go about in a daze. If having him here was like coming up for air after drowning, having him leave will be like sinking beneath the waves. My strength will be gone, and I will drown.
He leaves with nothing but two robes - the one he arrived in, which I mended, and the one of mine I magicked to fit him - and the wand I bought him. "I'll pay you back for it," he says, but I stop him.
"No, it's a gift, Sirius." My voice is hollow.
He must know that I am dying inside, because he puts one hand on my cheek like he did that first morning, and says softly, "I'm so sorry, Moony."
"No. You said it yourself - no matter how much we want it, it would be a mistake."
Sirius's eyes have an odd glimmer to them as he says, "You believe that I want it, don't you?"
I sigh. "Yes, I do." Then I close my eyes. "That doesn't make it any easier."
Sirius's hand drops away, and we stand for a moment, close but not touching. Finally, I open my eyes, and ask haltingly, "If...if times were different...if this wasn't a mistake...what-what would happen?"
He gets a faraway look in his eyes, even though he is looking at me. "I... I'd like to get to know you. Because it's been so long - because we've both changed so much. And..." His voice cracks slightly. "And we'd fall in love all over again."
And I know, instantly, that I should not have asked that question. This is the killing blow - the fact that we know we should be together, but are choosing not to be.
I want him to stay. For my sake, he has to stay. I try to think of reasons to keep him here: he needs to relearn the spells, he is not fully recovered from Azkaban yet, it is too dangerous for him to be out because he is a fugitive. I think of reasons I want to keep him here: because he is my mate, because I want to hold him and make love to him so badly, because I need him and he needs me. But I do not - cannot - speak.
We do not say 'I love you.' We do not kiss. We simply embrace, very quickly, very tightly, before he opens the door. I want to scream and cry for him not to go. But I watch dumbly as he says, "Thank you for everything, Remus."
He watches me for a second before I say, faintly, "Goodbye, Sirius."
"Goodbye..."
He is gone. So is my will to live.
~~~
Four days later, an exhausted owl caught up with a large black dog in the surrounding forest. He carried a brief, scrawled letter. The dog accepted the parchment, but it was a man who read the letter, and a man who mourned its contents.
It read:
My Dearest Sirius,
I hope this letter finds you safe and well-hidden...
You asked me once, before we were lovers, about my scar - about the night I was bitten. I trust you remember my story. So you understand, I also know something about being imprisoned. Only I could never be free.
Please understand that this is not your fault, not in any way. You were simply the one who made me finally understand the truth of the matter - that this is the time for the end.
I am not doing this out of cowardice, or revenge, or selfishness, or anger - but out of desperation. I am doing this because there is nothing left for me to do. There is such a thing as 'quality of life,' and my life has none. My universe consists of pain and loneliness, and I cannot live that way any longer.
I know you are ready to fight, but I am not - I don't know what we are fighting, or why, or even what we are fighting for any more. And I know I would not be of much use to you now. I cannot live any longer with this pain, this loneliness, the meaninglessness - I cannot live any longer without you.
The worst curse of lycanthropy is not the change, or the pain, or the isolation - it is the mating for life. I am bound to you forever, Sirius, whether I choose it or not. When you were in prison, I could exist simply because I had a reason to hate you. You had betrayed me, you had betrayed us all, and while I still loved you, I hated you for what you had done to us. But now that I know the truth, that you were in fact the most loyal and perhaps the best of us all, I cannot hate you any longer. It is killing me to live without you, to know that we are separated by a logical choice we both have made. And I cannot go on without you.
Wolfsbane, the key ingredient in the Wolfsbane potion I take monthly, is a powerful herb; in its raw form, it is painlessly fatal to lycanthropes. So the Wolfsbane that confines my mind in the wolf's body every full moon is the same thing that will set me free now. And I will be free - and in a way, you will be too. You won't be bound to me any longer.
Fight for what you believe in. I know you are strong. And take care of Harry - he is our future. You are so much more than I ever was.
Now I am free, Sirius. And I hope that one day, you will be as well.
I love you.
Remus
As the man wept, the silence around him was deafening.
