Disclaimer: Don't own LOTR. Tolkien does!




Naheka's Note:

I sincerely apologize for the incredously long wait for this chapter. I was relying on C-chan to do this job, but it seems that she is just too lazy to write anything! Even if it has been over a month. I am thoroughly ashmed of her, I will tell you. I was able to whip this up in one day, so please excuse me if it's a bit jumbled. Chaos-chan, I hope you are sorry that you couldn't even do your half of this bargain.

-Naheka




To Elwing,

I accept your apology. I don't even know if C-chan has read your review, and since she wrote that particular chapter, I don't know if she even cares. So clever of you not to put in an e-mail address, isn't it? But it was not so clever as to notice that 'parody' is one of the genres for this fic. To us, parody means "no plot." If that is the incorrect definition, then please be kind enough as to alert us. I hope that your eyes shall not be so misguided next time. No grudges. No fights. Peace be with you.

-Naheka


But enough about sad and boring things! On with the fic!


SING US A SONG MR.SARUMAN!



"Alright then!" exclaimed Moochi, "Let's go Fuschi! Fuschi?... Fusch?"

Agent Moochi looked around. Agent Fuschi was nowhere to be seen. She wasn't hanging around in any of the doorways, or hiding behind any rocks, or siting on the stairs.

"Sorry!" called a voice.

Moochi wheeled around.

"There you are!... What happened to your---"

Fuschi had lost her old attire, and brought up a much... newer outfit.

"Well," sighed Fuschi, "The brown trench coats were all right, and maybe the wide brimmed hats, but I just prefer these black trench coats and really cool sunglasses!"

"You look like you just came out of The Matrix!"

"I know! Isn't that cool! I also---"

"Ahem!" announced Gandalf, banging his staff on the ground, "You two have leading to do! On with the show!"

"I think you mean on with the fic!" said Fuschi, "Because technically---"

"Fuschi!" snapped Moochi, "That's out of CAI Regulations!"

"It is?.... Oh! It is! Never mind! On we go!"

Agent Fuschi took the lead, her new leathery black trench coat waving gently in the breeze... which was really weird because there wasn't any wind in Moria. Gandalf and Saruman marched behind, while the Fellowship followed behind them in randomly changing order. Agent Moochi tipped up the brim of her hat and brought up the rear to make sure that the hobbits didn't touch any rotting corpses that would fall down the well and summon the cave troll and the orcs.

"Hey!" shouted Pippin, "Is that a mushroom?"

"No! Don't touch---"

Too late. Pippin had plucked a mushroom that was growing out of the... stone sidewalk. Unfortunately, Moochi wasn't quick enough to tell him that it was a lever thing that triggered---

"Scene 15; The Bridge of Khazad Dum." echoed an electronic voice out of nowhere, "Ready and action."

Beep.


"That means..." said Fuschi, looking at her watch, "You are coordinated to be completely surrounded by orcs in three seconds."

Three. The rumbling sounds came from the massive pillars as the climbing Snaga* began scuttling down the walls like Scarab Beetles.

Two. The pillars were infested as millions of orcs started pouring down like rain.

One. The orcs began forming a circle around the Fellowship, who was completely terrified; Saruman, who simply yawned; and the Agents who were checking their watches.

"We're doomed." whimpered Sam. Frodo's eyes became their shocking bright blue again and widened.

"Aww!" screeched voices from within the darkness, "Lijah is sooo cuuute!"

"Damn!" cursed Fuschi, "It's the fangirls!"

"Ooh!" squeaked Moochi, "That means it's Free Pepper spray Time! Yay!"

"Free Pepper spray time?" asked Boromir, "What is that?"

"When everyone here," said Fuschi, digging into her pocket, "gets a free bottle of my own home-made super-strong, ultra-violent, extra-durable, ultra-violent---"

"You said 'ultra-violent' twice," said Legolas.

"That is because it is ultra-violent."

"Ow."

"Isn't it wonderful! Now be careful with these!"

She tossed each of them a weeny little spray can with a picture of a pink skull head on it. They all delicately put it in their pockets or placed them into their robes as if they were handling with nuclear energy.

"Here comes the Balrog!"

The massive doorways opened an in came not the golden light of the sun, but the flaming red of the evil supposed Maiar**. The orcs shrieked in their girlish shriek and swept up into the pits of the ceiling again. Gandalf squinted his eyes and hunched his shoulders, ignoring Legolas' attempt to fire an arrow.

"Yeah yea," grunted Fuschi, "It's a friggin' Balrog. Move on."

"To the Bridge of Khazad Dum!" muttered Gandalf.

As fast as they could, everyone sprinted across the stone corridors and halls, jumping over debris and nearly tripping over corpses.

"I hear a fell voice over the air!" said Legolas, his elven ears perking up.

"Wrong line, Leggo!" said Fuschi.

"No. I'm serious!" he said, stopping in his tracks, "Can't you hear it?"

The Fellowship and Saruman stopped. The Agents kept running.

"Dukatanameenee! Hoo! Hoo! Adeetanameenee! Hoo! Hoo! Udutasheemee! Kuada! Hoo! Hoo!"

"Hey! I do hear something!" said Aragorn, his eyes widening as he looked around for the source. He only saw the shadows. "Let's move on! We've lost the CAI!"

Running along their designated path, almost falling off the stairs, they reached the stairway where they found the Agents sort of... dancing to the music of the distant voices. Over the crack, Fuschi sang along with them as she pointed down to the ground, signaling them to come over the giant gap.

"Fuschi!" hollered Sam, "Where are those voices coming from?"

"Get over here!" she shouted, slapping her front thigh.

When Legolas, Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Boromir and Gimli had reached the other side, an arrow from the high verandah thingys came flying at them. Legolas retorted by firing an arrow of his own at them.

Unfortunately, he missed this time, and it hit a little button that was concealed behind a pillar.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

The stone wall behind the orcs lifted. Behind that wall, there was a choir of males on risers. They immediately stopped singing, right in the middle of "Adasawaee! Duwa! Duwa! Udu tasheemee! Duwa! Duwa! Ukesukas! Kuwastakali! Kuwastakali!---Oops!" The stone wall slammed down again. The orcs fainted and fell to their deaths from the verandahs.

"Aww!" whined Moochi, "There goes the Khuzdul Tenners!"

"Oh well." sighed Fuschi, "We have the soundtrack at home. Continue!"

Frodo and Aragorn were the only ones left on the stairway, which began to crumble under their feet. As soon as they started panicking and all, Fuschi whipped out a silver remote control and fast forworded everything. Really really quickly, they shifted their weight, jumped over, ran some more, and encountered the Balrog.

"You shall not pass!" Gandalf shouted.

After the Balrog failed to use its head and flap its wings, or just couldn't fly for some odd reason, Moochi yanked the old wizard out of the way and thrust him out the door.

"Mission a success!" cheered Fuschi, "We'll be seein' ya if you get into more trouble! Later!"

Pop!

They were gone.

"Wow!" exclaimed Merry, "That was fun!"

"It's time for a song!" said Boromir.

Saruman twitched. He had forgotten about why he was even running around in Moria in the first place! He was busied with the freakish parody that had just occured. He prepared to scream as loud as he could as he watched Gandalf pull on his piano again and the Fellowship line up in their designated positions.

"Oooooohhhh!" they all sang.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"SING US A SONG MR. SARUMAN!
SING US A SONG, TONIGHT!---
"

"GET ME OUTTA' HERE! AAAAAAAHHH!"

Saruman ran south in an attempt to flee back to Isengard where he might be safe behind the orcs and his stupid tower thingy... Orthanc. By passing rocks, rivers, and a fun puddle he could splash though, he reached the woods of Lothlorien.

"Yes!" he cried joyfully as he popped into the woods, "I have escaped them! I have escaped them! I have---"

EEEEERRGGHH! VOOOSH! SCREAACH! CRASH!...tink...tonk...





...THONK!






*Snaga, I think, is like a lesser orc... I guess. At least I'm trying!
**Balrogs used to be Maiar...right?


Chapter 7 will be up in a few days. It has been written already, but I'll be busy for the next few days. I'll upload ASAP.

Cheers,
Naheka