Disclaimer: JRR Tokien owns LOTR, and Oscar Mayer owns it jingle! Yank-Doodle
is a folk song... I guess.
VERY VERY SPECIAL THANKS TO:
Amarth! For this chapters idea! Thanks for reviewing too! You should get a free tye-dye robe! Courtesy of Legolas' Random Falling Tye-Die Collection Services!
And of course...
Thank you to all of you unexpected reviewers!
*Snitter in Rivendell
*callie
*Forestsilver
*Celenathil-the-Elf
*Cavca
*elwing
*Alisyn
NOW.... ON WITH THE FIC!
SING US A SONG MR. SARUMAN!!!
The infernal chords continued to ring in Saruman's ears, even when he had paddled half-way down Anduin, which is actually probably really impossible for a old guy in that time rate. But he didn't care if he just defied velocity, he just wanted to get away from the Fellowship and their stupid song.
"Wait a minute!" he exclaimed to himself, "I can call upon my massively powerful and invincible army of ignorantly stupid Uruk-hai! I am so brilliant!"
He paddled aside onto the shores of I'm-a-Hen, which was the imaginary world next to Amon Hen. As he lept valiantly out of the boat, he made his orcish cry that went something like:
"Akushbaddadushslavoshshelbaslastardysmavastrady! Antidisestablishmentariismthingerdingeroldwillywonkercandytasteslikeeggs! Wafflesandtoast! Pancakeswithsugar! Frostingwithcream! Imapoisonousmushroompleaseeatme! POTATOES!"
Nothing happened.
"Duh!" Saruman chuckled, as if anyone could easily mistake a single noted orc call for a series of words about... odd things. "That was the summoning for my coffee lumps!"
Out of nowhere, a whole gallon of hot steaming coffee poured on top of his head. Saruman began screaming from the burn, until he was silenced by a pile of sugar cubes that also came down on his head.
It would have tasted very good... if the coffee wasn't really heated axel grease and the sugar cubes was really wet salt.
"Blech!"
Then, a reply of screeching and roaring came echoing througout the woods of I'm-A-Hen. His Uruk-hai army was coming for him! How very...lucky... I guess. As Saruman listened closely to hear their savage marching song, he heard another tune.
"Oooh!" came the synchronised voices of the Uruk-hai,
"My bologny has a first name! it's O-S-C-A-R!
My bologny has a second name! it's M-A-Y-E-R!"
"Uh-oh..." thought Saruman, "I have a feeling.... Oh dear."
The Uruk-hai leaped out of the trees like deer and formed their solemn single file line in front of Saruman, who gasped to see that they were each clad in long, navy blue, pinstripe business suits. Lurtz stepped out of the line of Uruk-hai, the only one with a maroon suit. He adjusted his black tie before clearing his throat and bringing up a shiny brown leather suitcase.
"Saruman," he said in a surprisingly civil tone, "We quit. We can't fight like this! It gives us ouchies and hurtsies and booboos! Besides, we don't even get enough pay for it! However," he whipped out a pair of reading glasses from his pocket and put them on, "We will come back to work for you if you decide to change your... company. Until then, we shall be the United Army of Life Insurance Salesmen! Would you like to---"
"NO! I DON'T WANT ANY!" shrieked Saruman. He fled from I'm-A-Hen and went to Amon Hen to find a place where he could have solitude... and so that he could collect himself from the horrible images he had just seen.
Just then, the Fellowship came rowing along!
Aragorn stood up in the boat, one foot lodged on the bow, while Boromir rowed at his feet. Frodo sat behind him and looked into the river as the rest of the hobbits stood on the opposite side, raising a flag that bore the number '9' written in white over green. It fluttered majestically in the breeze as Gimli also rowed below it.* Gandalf and Legolas crouched at the back, the wizard with his piano on his chest. They were both singing:
"Frodo Baggins of the Shire,
Riding on a pony!
Holds a Ring of EVIL DOOM!
And cooks up macaroni!"
The rest of the Fellowship, excluding Frodo, joined into the song.
"Frodo Baggins, keep it up!
Frodo Baggins, hobbit,
You better not screw this up,
Or we'll just die and forfiet!"
"Hey you!" called one Uruk-hai, flashing inurance papers, "Boy have we got a deal for---"
"WE DON'T WANT ANY!" the Fellowship screamed simutaneoulsy. They paddled away as swiftly as they could, but suddenly, Lurtz took out his big long arrows and shot Boromir. He fell out of the boat.
Since there was no head steersman, Aragorn toppled over. This caused Frodo to lean too far out and splash into the river, which startled Sam, who pushed Merry and Pippin overboard. Sam pulled a string on his vest, inflating large yellow waterwings, which also knocked over Gimli into the water. Gimli nearly drowned from his heavy armor pulling him down. As Sam jumped into the water after his master, Legolas dove in to save his best friend. Gandalf didn't jump in because he didn't want to get his thirty-dollar electric piano wet.
Boromir drifted onto the shore. Lurtz shot another arrow at him.
"Would you be interested in---" Lurtz began.
"NEVER! GET AWAY FROM ME! YOU MUST---" he coughed and spat out what looked like blood, but it was really ketchup from the cheeseburger he had at lunch.
"Fine then. Have it your way."
Lurtz shot the final arrow at Boromir.
"Now, are you sure you don't want---"
"Easy-squeezy-lemon-peezy..." muttered Boromir, "Wait!--I haven't been droppin' no eaves sire--Oh!--It must destro--No! I mean--Luke! I am your--D'oh!"
"Life Insurance?" Lurtz offered, handing the messed up human a stack of neat white parchment forms. Boromir sighed and took out a ball-point pen and began signing all the forms.
"Thank you, sir!" said Lurtz cheerfully. He smiled, showing all his cracked, bloody, yet sparkling white fangs. Boromir was so blinded by the shine that he fainted. Lurtz thought he died, so he and the other orcs just tossed him over the Falls of Rauros.
"And so, we gather today to honor the death of --blahblahblahblahblah..." Lurtz began preaching importantly.
Meanwhile, Saruman was busy hanging upsidedown inside the nose of a broken staute's face. While muttering to himself in prayer, he listened for the hints of the expected song.
Of course, like it does in every other chapter, the verse came.
"SING US A SONG MR. SARUMAN!
SING US A SONG TONIGHT!
THOUGH IT SOUNDS LIKE NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD,
WE DON'T CARE, OUR EARS DIED LAST NIGHT!"
"Hey!" called a hobbit voice, "Look at that red and white booger!"
*The positions are just supposed to be the exact ones that of that painting of Geroge Washington crossing the Delaware river.
VERY VERY SPECIAL THANKS TO:
Amarth! For this chapters idea! Thanks for reviewing too! You should get a free tye-dye robe! Courtesy of Legolas' Random Falling Tye-Die Collection Services!
And of course...
Thank you to all of you unexpected reviewers!
*Snitter in Rivendell
*callie
*Forestsilver
*Celenathil-the-Elf
*Cavca
*elwing
*Alisyn
NOW.... ON WITH THE FIC!
SING US A SONG MR. SARUMAN!!!
The infernal chords continued to ring in Saruman's ears, even when he had paddled half-way down Anduin, which is actually probably really impossible for a old guy in that time rate. But he didn't care if he just defied velocity, he just wanted to get away from the Fellowship and their stupid song.
"Wait a minute!" he exclaimed to himself, "I can call upon my massively powerful and invincible army of ignorantly stupid Uruk-hai! I am so brilliant!"
He paddled aside onto the shores of I'm-a-Hen, which was the imaginary world next to Amon Hen. As he lept valiantly out of the boat, he made his orcish cry that went something like:
"Akushbaddadushslavoshshelbaslastardysmavastrady! Antidisestablishmentariismthingerdingeroldwillywonkercandytasteslikeeggs! Wafflesandtoast! Pancakeswithsugar! Frostingwithcream! Imapoisonousmushroompleaseeatme! POTATOES!"
Nothing happened.
"Duh!" Saruman chuckled, as if anyone could easily mistake a single noted orc call for a series of words about... odd things. "That was the summoning for my coffee lumps!"
Out of nowhere, a whole gallon of hot steaming coffee poured on top of his head. Saruman began screaming from the burn, until he was silenced by a pile of sugar cubes that also came down on his head.
It would have tasted very good... if the coffee wasn't really heated axel grease and the sugar cubes was really wet salt.
"Blech!"
Then, a reply of screeching and roaring came echoing througout the woods of I'm-A-Hen. His Uruk-hai army was coming for him! How very...lucky... I guess. As Saruman listened closely to hear their savage marching song, he heard another tune.
"Oooh!" came the synchronised voices of the Uruk-hai,
"My bologny has a first name! it's O-S-C-A-R!
My bologny has a second name! it's M-A-Y-E-R!"
"Uh-oh..." thought Saruman, "I have a feeling.... Oh dear."
The Uruk-hai leaped out of the trees like deer and formed their solemn single file line in front of Saruman, who gasped to see that they were each clad in long, navy blue, pinstripe business suits. Lurtz stepped out of the line of Uruk-hai, the only one with a maroon suit. He adjusted his black tie before clearing his throat and bringing up a shiny brown leather suitcase.
"Saruman," he said in a surprisingly civil tone, "We quit. We can't fight like this! It gives us ouchies and hurtsies and booboos! Besides, we don't even get enough pay for it! However," he whipped out a pair of reading glasses from his pocket and put them on, "We will come back to work for you if you decide to change your... company. Until then, we shall be the United Army of Life Insurance Salesmen! Would you like to---"
"NO! I DON'T WANT ANY!" shrieked Saruman. He fled from I'm-A-Hen and went to Amon Hen to find a place where he could have solitude... and so that he could collect himself from the horrible images he had just seen.
Just then, the Fellowship came rowing along!
Aragorn stood up in the boat, one foot lodged on the bow, while Boromir rowed at his feet. Frodo sat behind him and looked into the river as the rest of the hobbits stood on the opposite side, raising a flag that bore the number '9' written in white over green. It fluttered majestically in the breeze as Gimli also rowed below it.* Gandalf and Legolas crouched at the back, the wizard with his piano on his chest. They were both singing:
"Frodo Baggins of the Shire,
Riding on a pony!
Holds a Ring of EVIL DOOM!
And cooks up macaroni!"
The rest of the Fellowship, excluding Frodo, joined into the song.
"Frodo Baggins, keep it up!
Frodo Baggins, hobbit,
You better not screw this up,
Or we'll just die and forfiet!"
"Hey you!" called one Uruk-hai, flashing inurance papers, "Boy have we got a deal for---"
"WE DON'T WANT ANY!" the Fellowship screamed simutaneoulsy. They paddled away as swiftly as they could, but suddenly, Lurtz took out his big long arrows and shot Boromir. He fell out of the boat.
Since there was no head steersman, Aragorn toppled over. This caused Frodo to lean too far out and splash into the river, which startled Sam, who pushed Merry and Pippin overboard. Sam pulled a string on his vest, inflating large yellow waterwings, which also knocked over Gimli into the water. Gimli nearly drowned from his heavy armor pulling him down. As Sam jumped into the water after his master, Legolas dove in to save his best friend. Gandalf didn't jump in because he didn't want to get his thirty-dollar electric piano wet.
Boromir drifted onto the shore. Lurtz shot another arrow at him.
"Would you be interested in---" Lurtz began.
"NEVER! GET AWAY FROM ME! YOU MUST---" he coughed and spat out what looked like blood, but it was really ketchup from the cheeseburger he had at lunch.
"Fine then. Have it your way."
Lurtz shot the final arrow at Boromir.
"Now, are you sure you don't want---"
"Easy-squeezy-lemon-peezy..." muttered Boromir, "Wait!--I haven't been droppin' no eaves sire--Oh!--It must destro--No! I mean--Luke! I am your--D'oh!"
"Life Insurance?" Lurtz offered, handing the messed up human a stack of neat white parchment forms. Boromir sighed and took out a ball-point pen and began signing all the forms.
"Thank you, sir!" said Lurtz cheerfully. He smiled, showing all his cracked, bloody, yet sparkling white fangs. Boromir was so blinded by the shine that he fainted. Lurtz thought he died, so he and the other orcs just tossed him over the Falls of Rauros.
"And so, we gather today to honor the death of --blahblahblahblahblah..." Lurtz began preaching importantly.
Meanwhile, Saruman was busy hanging upsidedown inside the nose of a broken staute's face. While muttering to himself in prayer, he listened for the hints of the expected song.
Of course, like it does in every other chapter, the verse came.
"SING US A SONG MR. SARUMAN!
SING US A SONG TONIGHT!
THOUGH IT SOUNDS LIKE NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD,
WE DON'T CARE, OUR EARS DIED LAST NIGHT!"
"Hey!" called a hobbit voice, "Look at that red and white booger!"
*The positions are just supposed to be the exact ones that of that painting of Geroge Washington crossing the Delaware river.
