If Only I Could. by Lisa Disclaimer: I do not own X files or its characters etc. etc. Spoilers: 4-D, Dogget's POV

I'm lying in bed. I can't move, can't feel anyone when they touch me. I can't feel her when she touches me. She's watching me; she's watching my finger clicking. Click, click, click. Do it, I'm urging her. But she won't. She won't do it, she says. She can't. I know she can. At least, the Monica I know can.

If only I could I would laugh. The only time a woman would ever shave me and I can't feel it. What if she's right? I know she's right but what if she is? I mean really. How can I be me, but be a completely different person at the same time? I don't know who I am. All I know is that I can't walk, I can't talk.

If only I could I would smile. She's exactly the same. I'm exactly the same. But if she's right, then we're not who we say we are. We're copies. Only, who's the copy of us and who's the real person? How can we live two different lives at the same time, and not know which one is real? What if we spend our whole life living as a copy, when the real thing is just through that alleyway?

If only I could I would cry. I want her to pull the plug as much as I want her to leave it be. What waits for me at the other end of this machine? I want that Monica; the one who's just left. I don't want any other woman to look after me, not a stranger, a copy of the woman I want, not a copy of the copy! This is the woman I want.

If only I could I would tell her. I open my eyes and she's back. I heard her lock the door but I didn't want to believe it. I want to tell her 'wait, no'- What if? What if it doesn't work? What if I just die? She's watching me with resolution in her eyes, even though I can see she's just as scared as I am. It's as though she's apologising to me.

If only I could I wouldn't let her. I close my eyes.

***

When I open them, she's there beside me. She reaches out, resting a hand along my cheek. "Hey," she whispers to me, her voice so welcome. Her hair is falling over her shoulder and her eyes are glistening. She looks beautiful. She switches on the communication machine.

MISSED YOU

She looks at me, so confused, her eyes glistening with tears.

If only I could tell her she was right all along. This must be heaven.

***

What's the matter? I think as I walk straight up to her. Her cheeks are tearstained. They weren't ten seconds beforehand. Where's she been? What's happened? I know that something's happened that she's not going to be able to tell me, but for the moment I don't care. She's trying not to cry, and that's all I care about.

What's the matter? She hugs me as I question her. Yeah, I know she's good. What's that got to do with anything? She pulls back from me, and smiles. Smiles. She's so beautiful.

"Thankyou John," she says, pulling back. I let her go.

"Monica, I-"

"Yes?" she asks, her eyes wide. She's internally composing herself, I can tell. Her cheeks are dry and her eyes are drying. She watches me carefully, and I feel as though whatever I say now will make or break her.

"It's okay," I say, not so much to reassure her but to reassure myself. She knows this, and nods.

"I missed you too John, that's all."

She missed me too? It seems familiar, but it can't be.

If only I could remember.

***