A/N.- This is chapter Fourteen of the ENOUGH series.

Disclaimer.- You all should know this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in getting this show   on the air.

Feedback.- As you wish.

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Joyce.

Buffy ran home. She had never seen Spike like that. Not even in his worst days as a master vampire. What he said and what he did was beyond her wildest ideas. He had become a grave danger and she would have to chase him down. Not caring what he had said about killing her if they ever crossed paths again.

She had to take some weapons. And yet, she was disturbed. Every word he said was confusing and it hurt her. How come he only wanted her hate?

She opened the door to her house and went to her weapons' chest. She was rummaging through it when she heard her sister coming down.

"What's up, Buffy?" Dawn asked. Buffy turned around and nervously smiled at her.

"Nothing, Dawnie, go to sleep."

Dawn frowned, seeing the weird look that was on her sister's face.

"That's not a 'nothing' face you're wearing, what's up?"

Buffy sighed, and since Spike had said that he wouldn't hurt any of her friends, (well, besides Xander) she'd take Dawn somewhere before hunting for the vampire. A place where she was always welcome and more importantly, a place that gave her peace.

"Get dressed, Dawn." Buffy said, "Let's go see mom."

However, she wasn't the only one with that idea.

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"Hi, mum," the bleached vampire said, "it's been a while."

He sat down in front of the grave and placed his hand on top of the gravestone. He read softly the words embedded in it and sighed.

"I wish you were still alive," he whispered, "I'd love to hear your voice again."

He lowered his head and his hand gripped even harder the bottle of whiskey that he had taken from Wily's before. He took a significant swig out of it and wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his ever-present duster.

"I don't know if you're watchin' from heaven, mum, but I'd like to give you an explanation." He didn't raise his head while he spoke those words, as if he was avoiding her eyes.

"You probably know what has been going on," he softly said, "and I hope you understand a little bit of the things I've done."

He took another drink from his bottle and his other hand rummaged through the pockets of his duster. He produced out of one pocket a little white flower, the type that you can find on every backyard.

"I know it isn't much," he said as he placed the tiny flower on the grass, "but it's the thought that counts, innit?"

He stood still for a few moments, and then he sighed.

"I tried to love her, you know?" he whispered, "I tried to be something I thought she wanted me to be." He took even more of his drink, effectively numbing him even more.

"I guess I wasn't enough," he bitterly said, "I have never been."

His eyes filled with some tears, and he quickly wiped them.

"I want to say that I'm sorry for the things I told to all of 'em." He said, "Well, I don't regret the things I did and said to that bloody wanker Harris."

He chuckled a little bit at the memory of Xander's cries of pain.

"I know I shouldn't take pleasure in it, mum," he caressed the headstone and smiled, "I'm sorry."

He drank the last contains of his whiskey bottle and placed it in one of his pockets.

"I won't litter here, mum, don't worry." He took out his flask and began drinking some more.

"Now, where to start?"

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Some yards away, two girls were walking a little too hurriedly towards the cemetery. The short blond was holding the black leather coat that wrapped her body and the larger brunette was playing with the over sized sleeves of her dark-blue sweater.

"Why should we go at this time, Buffy?" Dawn asked.

Buffy took her time to answer the question. She remembered the bitter and angry words that had come out of Spike's mouth. The cold stare that he had in his emotional eyes, the golden spark giving away the fact that he was something different. He was no longer chipped Spike but he wasn't William the Bloody anymore. The things he had said to her and the things that he had done to her friends were weird.

Buffy looked back at her sister and smiled weakly.

"I know, Dawn, but I felt like visiting mom tonight."

Dawn saw the sad smile in her sister's face, and understood a bit about it.

"So, you got a visit tonight, huh?" Dawn asked.

Buffy stopped and stared ahead. She was immensely hurt and she didn't know what to think or what to do about the things Spike had said and done. She only knew that she wanted and needed to be in a place where she felt safe.

"It wasn't much of a visit, actually, but we'll talk about that later, Dawn." Buffy said, and then something clicked in her. "He visited you?" Buffy asked, afraid of the things that the vampire could have told her sister.

"Yeah," Dawn answered, unaware of the apprehension that took over her sister. "He was very weird."

"That was all?" Buffy asked, "He didn't try to do anything to you?"

"Besides scaring me to hell and telling me the worst thing he could have told me?" Dawn answered, "Nope, he only wanted to talk to me."

Buffy nodded and quickened her pace to where her mother's grave was. Another turn to the left and behind some trees and they'd find their mother's grave. But as they came closer, they could hear something.

A voice. A British accent.

Spike.

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"... and that's how I framed those soddin' bastards." Spike said, laughing a little. His voice was drifting a bit, because of all the alcohol he had consumed in the last two hours.

"Sorry f'r the language, mum," he blurrily said, "it's just been some bad days."

He drank the last remains of alcohol from his flask and closed it. Because of his drunken stupor, he didn't notice the smell of the two girls who approached from behind, stake in hands.

"It's funny, y'know?" he said, unaware of the danger approaching him, "you're the only woman who ever cared about me."

Both Buffy and Dawn heard this and stopped dead on their tracks. They had taken hearing ever since Spike finished his tale about his master plan against the geeks. They had taken the stakes out in order to fight should Spike be in a dangerous mood. But now, they were more curious about what he was saying instead of his mood.

"I lived for 27 years and no one loved me," he began sobbing a bit, the alcohol allowing his emotions to flow out, "well, me own mum must have loved me, but she was required to, me being her child and ev'rythin'." He leaned closer to the gravestone and placed his forehead in it.

"Then came the tale that I'm tired of relieving with that bint Cecily and the night that Dru turned me." He closed his eyes and sighed. "Then came the time of abuse with Angelus. I thought I'd be accepted there. Vampires and everything. No such luck." He chuckled once again, and his accent changed a little bit, also influenced from the alcohol.

"So much pain, mum, so much pain. Angelus was never pleased and Darla was a bloody bitch." He nodded suddenly. "Language, I know, sorry. Then I killed that first slayer and hoped for some acknowledgement from Angelus. Nothing. Dru praised me but then again, she's a few pints short of the keg." A single tear rolled down his cheek. " I spent the next century trying to make her happy. I couldn't love her fully because she's insane. Yes, I'll admit it now, but I also secretly hoped for her to love me as much as I loved her." He sniffled a little bit. "And then, your daughter..." He then remained silent for a long time. Buffy and Dawn were now kneeling behind a tree, listening to Spike, hoping to hear something to explain his erratic behavior.

"She's so pretty," Spike began, "She has this little smile that I've seen only once, and that was only because I was spying her. And you know whom it was directed to? Angelus. At the time I hated her, but felt jealous all the same. Nobody has ever smiled like that for me. And it seems that Angelus always came before me. With both women I've loved" He almost whispered the last part, and more tears followed. "At the time I shrugged it off, but the more I knew about your daughter the more she intrigued me. I know the shitty deal that life dealt her. I admired her even more because of her refusal to just yield. She just gets up every time she is down. And she is even stronger every time." He then moved his hands to both sides of the stone.

"But she also gets weaker in a way. I think she fears that the time will come when she won't want to get up. And I thought that maybe I could help her. But you saw how that came out. When I tried to get near her, she'd shut me out. I'd try to talk to her and her friends would make fun of me or insult me. When I was finally being tolerated she had to die on me. I failed her. Then was the summer when I worked with her mates, who seemed to finally stand me. I felt like part of something there." He smiled at the memory. "But then they had to screw everything up and take her out of heaven. She trusted in me for a while, but it wouldn't last. I tried to give her love, but it wasn't what she wanted. She only wanted to take her mind out of Heaven. She used me and never loved me." More tears rolled down, and he was now practically hugging the stone.

"I tried to convince m'self that she despised me because I tried to hurt her so many times before. I tried to see through her eyes and change what she thought was wrong. I know I was a jerk with her but..." He trailed off and shuddered a little.

"...I don't know how to behave with girls, mum. I never had any experience. My only girlfriend was a dead psychopath. I would have liked to be a gentleman with her. But she wouldn't have any of that. I know that now. She said I was beneath her and I know I am."

Buffy winced a little bit at the renewal of that wound. It seemed that the particular phrase had a deep impact in the vampire.

"She never treated me differently. I tried to be her enemy, the big bad, and she despised me. I became a soddin' pity case and she laughed at me. I tried to help them and she rejected me. I fell in love with her and she shut me out. I gave my best as her friend and she used me. I loved her with all my dead heart and she despised me, she laughed at me, she used me and she shut me out." The tears were now staining the cold stone.

"Why is it that every woman I love have to either go or hate me?" he asked in a soft voice. "I loved Dru and she left, I loved you and you died, I love Dawn and now I have to leave her. I loved Cecily and she laughed at my love and me. I love Buffy and I'm nothing to her."

Dawn stared at her sister, who in turn stared back at her. They knew some things about Spike but they didn't know the amount of emotional damage that was stored inside of him.

"I told her that I knew that she'd never love me. But it's different saying it than actually knowing it. I hope you never felt something like that, mum. I had that bloody revelation a few days ago. She had never loved me and she would never love me. Once again I saw that my love is worthless. No one will have it. I wasn't meant to be loved, mum. Only two women have loved me, and one is dead and the other one almost died a year ago. You and Dawn, mum, you and her. You paid the price for being the only ones who ever showed me something other that hate and repulsion."

He moved his left hand and produced out of the pocket nearest to his heart a crumbled photograph. It was all bent and a little burnt in the edges. His greatest possession in the whole world. The single object that was in his metal box.

"There used to be three faces in this picture, mum. You, the nibblet, and Bu..., the slayer."

Buffy felt something odd when he refused to say her name, as he had done all through their earlier conversation. And yet, she managed to see the picture crumpled in Spike's hand. It was one that was taken a few years ago, when they were on the beach. She had been happy that day and it showed in the picture. The three of them had a huge smile on their faces when the picture had been taken.

"I thought that this thing represented the people who cared about me. Sometimes I imagined that maybe that smile was directed at me. That maybe the three of you saw me as what I wanted to be for you. I cherished every part of this photograph. But I had to cut out a third of it"

Spike sighed and tucked away the photograph, once again close to his heart. He straightened up and wiped his tears.

"I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to give her the stupid things that the others didn't give to 'er." A soft whimper escaped his throat. "I thought that maybe my bloody awful poetry would make her smile. I thought that a single rose would mean something to her. I thought that one of her soft smiles was worth dying for. But what is a detail when it comes from a monster, right? What is a flower worth when it's from a dead man? What is love when it comes from me...?"

He cleared his throat and wiped more tears from his eyes.

"I won't do anything to her, mum. I'm a monster who's worth shit but I know my love is real. I love Dawn and I love you. I'll always love you." He stood up and looked proudly at the grave.

"But hear me now, mum, I won't cry again. Ever. And you know that my ever means forever. I'm done with crying. I'm done with the soddin' existence that has been given to me. I'm leaving and I won't come back. I know I will never see you again. You're in heaven and my place to rest is hell. I once had the stupid dream that maybe I'd earn some sort of redemption and the slayer would love me and I'd get the chance to see you again. Stupid dreams. Most people don't know their fates, but I know mine. A hell on earth and a hell after I'm dust."

His face changed then, when a smirk replaced the grieving face.

"I won't wallow in self-pity anymore, mum. Never again.  I will be strong and you'll always be in my heart. I used to think that I'd have the face of the slayer to help me throughout eternity in hell. I was wrong. It'll be your sweet voice and your smile that will always be with me. After all, you did care for me. Goodbye, Joyce Summers. Farewell, mum."

The vampire placed a gentle kiss on top of the gravestone, and began walking away.

Buffy and Dawn were numb after hearing the things that Spike had told to their mother. They could fathom that he felt more than many vampires, but they never saw the pain that was inside the bleached vampire.

Buffy's eyes never left the back of the vampire. She didn't know what to do. An hour ago, he had been so mean and cruel. He had hurt her emotionally and physically. And now she felt that her pain was nothing compared to the pain she had inflicted on Spike. A lot of doubts ran through her head. A lot of questions and some other things that she didn't know what to think about. She was taken out of her slumber when her sister got to her feet and attempted to follow Spike.

"Don't!" Buffy said, as she wrapped her hand around Dawn's wrist.

"Let me go, Buffy!" Dawn shrieked, " He's so hurt and I want to talk to him!"

Buffy could see that her sister was looking odd at her, and she wondered if Dawn was angry with her.

"I want to talk to him also," Buffy said, "But he's been behaving so strange and I don't know if we should disturb him now."

Dawn seemed to agree with her sister, and stood still.

"Fine," she said, "but tomorrow we'll fix all this mess, ok?"

Buffy smiled sadly, and nodded.

"Sure, Dawnie, tomorrow we'll fix this."

End of Chapter.