A/N Welcome to a new story… these guys still don't belong to me. The title of this story comes from The Josh Joplin Group and comments are always appreciated.
I don't know why I even noticed her. Perhaps it was that she couldn't sit still, she was constantly tapping her foot, playing with her hair or humming a song. Or perhaps it was because she was dressed up. She was wearing a long fancy dress that one didn't usually see in this part of town, especially at this time of day.
She didn't look at anyone, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her. There was something about her that was striking and yet, something about her that made her seem lost.
I wondered why she was there. The same reason we all were I guess. We were all broke and sick. But I wondered if she was there for the same reason I was. She had to be, by the way she anxiously sat on the chair, she was definitely waiting for some news.
Either that, or she needed a fix. Realistically, it was probably a combination of both.
She caught me staring at her for a second, and she glared at me, but I smiled at her and she smiled back. I wanted to go over to her and tell her it would be ok, though I didn't have any right to make such a promise.
She looked up at the clock and sighed and got up and spoke to the receptionist. I heard her threaten to leave and just as she was about to another nurse appeared and called "April Nelson".
She followed the nurse behind the door and I went back to thinking about my own reasons for being in this dreary place. It was only a few minutes later that another nurse appeared and called "Thomas B. Collins".
I knew what she was going to tell me before I even walked into the clinic. HIV. I had it. The virus was poisoning my blood more every second. I sat there and listened to her spout out the instructions that I already knew by heart.
"Thomas, you need take your AZT…"
"Three times a day. Yeah, I know… every eight hours." I flashed my smile at her; the same smile that got me in and out of a lot of difficult situations. "I've been through this before." She nodded knowingly.
"Ok then, Thomas. You'll come back next month for a doctor's visit?"
"Yeah, I will."
"You know, it is important that you contact all the people that you…"
"It's ok. I know who I got it from. I haven't been with anyone since."
She smiled and squeezed my hand. "Good luck."
"Thanks."
So there it was. A diagnosis. I knew it was coming. I had told Michael that I was sure I was fine, that we were always safe. But I could feel myself getting a weaker the past few months, and I didn't want to let myself believe. Besides, I had to take care of him. If he had known that he gave me AIDS, he would have never forgiven himself.
And I couldn't let him die like that.
So I kept my suspicions to myself, and a week after he died I left Boston and moved to New York to start over. I had to get away from Boston for a while. All of his friends, and boy did he have a lot of friends, mourned for him. His funeral was as big as any world leader's and people's hearts were emptier from his death. I couldn't take the pitying looks, the sad words, and the promises to call. I had to split town.
I was the one he loved. And I was the one who held him while he got sick. And now, I was going to have to do it on my own. I shook the nurse's hand and she handed me a beeper, to remind me to take my AZT.
As I walked toward the subway, I tried to digest the news. It was one thing to be pretty certain, but an entirely different thing to know for sure. To know that I may not live for a thousand years like I had thought. That I had only a limited time to make a difference in the world.
When I went down into the subway, the same girl in the fancy dress was sitting on a bench, clutching a beeper, and weeping. I knew instantly that she had just heard the same news as I did. There seemed to be no train in sight, so I stood there awkwardly for a few minutes. Finally, I decided to go and talk to her. Maybe it would help her. Maybe it would help me.
I cleared my throat. "April, right?" She looked up at me surprised and wiped her tears. It was obvious she wasn't used to letting people see her cry. She nodded and I could tell she was a little scared, but also a little curious.
"I'm Collins. Well Tom Collins, but my friends just call me Collins."
"Hi, Tom."
I smiled at her. She was a feisty one. "Mind if I sit?"
"Free country." She shrugged and wiped her eyes with her sleeve.
"Want to talk about it?"
She glared at me. "About what?"
"Well I… I saw you at the clinic earlier, and now I see you here, holding this." I gestured towards her fist where she was trying to hide the beeper.
"So, what the fuck do you know?"
"I know." I pulled my own beeper from my pocket, "I just got one too."
She looked down at it. "You mean you have?"
I nodded. "You?"
"Yeah."
The train was beginning to approach. "LOOK! DO YOU WANT TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT? WE COULD TALK?" I yelled.
"I CAN'T! I'M ALREADY LATE!" When the train stopped I followed her on and sat next to her. "Sorry. I'm just… I'm on my way to a wedding actually."
"Oh! That explains the dress."
"Yeah." She took a deep breath. "I guess I was a little dressed up for a death sentence, huh?"
I took her hand, "You look beautiful."
She began to pull her hand away, but then stopped at the last moment. She smiled at me, "Tom, you aren't hitting on me, are you?"
"Nope. I don't fly that way, sorry."
"Good, because my boyfriend would have to beat the shit out of you then."
"Boyfriend, huh?" She nodded. "Is he positive, too?"
She looked away for a moment. "I don't know. I don't know how to tell him." I watched tears well up in her eyes again.
"You just have to honest, April."
"No, I can't. Not yet." She shook her head. "I don't know how the hell I'm going to go to this damn wedding now." She wiped her tears away with her free hand.
"Whose getting married?"
"One of my roommates, Benny. My boyfriend is one of his best men, actually." I nodded. "So now I'm going to have to sit there and pretend to be happy for him and Muffy, who I hate. And Mark, the other best man and his girlfriend Maureen are going to be all over each other, and Roger is going to get drunk and I… shit… I shouldn't even go."
"Hmm… ok… calm down. It is only for a few hours, you can get through it." I looked at her, "His wife's name is Muffy?"
"Well no… it is Alison, actually. We just call her that. Rich chick, from Westfield, Connecticut."
I laughed. "Ah, I see. And who are Mark and…"
"Maureen? Oh they are our other roommates. They just started dating and if they aren't fucking, they are fighting."
"Sounds like living with them is fun."
"Oh it's a blast."
"How many people do you live with?"
"Who the hell knows. Our place is like a commune, always some lost soul sleeping on the couch."
"Sounds like where I used to live. So Roger, I would assume, is your boyfriend."
"Yeah. He's a… he's…" She stops herself from continuing, and I know better than to ask her too. She'll tell me with time, if she wants. She sat silent for a minute, looking at me. "Listen, what are you doing now?"
"Nothing." I laughed. "Except going in the wrong direction of my place. I just wanted to talk to you. You looked like you needed it, and well… Actually, I'm new to the city, and I don't know anyone."
"Really? That explains a lot."
"What do you mean?"
"New Yorkers don't randomly go up to strangers and offer to lend a shoulder to cry on."
"Yeah well, Bostonites don't either, but I have never been one to conform." I smiled at her.
"Well, Tom, this might seem a little weird, but since your heading in the wrong direction anyway, would you like to be my date for a wedding?"
"A little weird? Wouldn't that be your boyfriend's job? I wouldn't want him to beat the shit out of me."
"Eh, he won't care. Like I said, he'll be busy at the open bar. Plus there are going to be like three hundred people there and no one will notice one extra."
"I don't know…"
"Come on. I can't get through it
without you."
"Five minutes ago, you didn't even know me!"
"Please?" She grasped my arm desperately, "I won't go if you don't."
"That isn't fair."
"Please Collins?"
I smiled at her first use of my name. "Fine, I give in. Where is this wedding anyway?"
"Westfield, of course."
"Oh shit, are you kidding? I'm probably a little underdressed." I looked down at my old faded Silence=Death t-shirt.
"You're fine. Just… just keep this," she tapped at her beeper, "a secret, ok?"
"You are going to have to tell him."
"Not today. Benny's his best friend."
"Fine, I'll keep your secret."
"Great! And hey, if you are looking to hook up, maybe you could hit on Mark. Roger and I always thought he was gay but then one day he came home with Maureen."
"Great, just what I need, a closet case." I took a deep sigh and put my arm around my new friend.
