The Tale Of Sir Anakin Solo
(there is a great deal of peril in this story, so if you're afraid of peril, don't read this)













Disclamer: Sadly, I own nothing















Anakin: Open the door! Open the door! In the name of Luke Skywalker, open the door!

(the door opens, and he falls in)

Girls (echoing): Hello.

Tahiri Veila: Welcome, gentle Jedi. Welcome to the castle SELCORE.

Anakin: Castle SELCORE?

Tahiri (sad): Yes, I'm afraid it's not a very good name. (happy) Oh, but we are nice and will attend to your every, every need!

Anakin: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

Tahiri (confused): The what?

Anakin: The Grail, it is here.

Tahiri: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!

Midget and Crapper: Yes, O Tahiri?

Tahiri: Prepare a bed for our guest.

Midget and Crapper: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Tahiri: Away, away! The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

Anakin: Well, I-- I--I,

Tahiri: What is your name, handsome Knight?

Anakin: Um, Sir Anakin Solo.

Tahiri: Mine is Tahiri. Just 'Tahiri'. Oh, but come.

Anakin: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!

Tahiri: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.

Anakin: Look, I have seen it! It is here in this--

Tahiri: Sir Anakin! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

Anakin: Well, I, uh, uh, um--

Tahiri: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all
between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing,
knitting exciting underwear. We are not used to handsome Knights. Nope, nope. Come, come. (sees he's wounded) Oh, but you are wounded! (puts Anakin on a bed)

Anakin (nervous): No, no. It's nothing.

Tahiri: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down! (claps)


(two doctors enter)


Piglet: Well, what seems to be the trouble?

Anakin: Thery're doctor's?!!

Tahiri: Well, they have a basic medical training, yes.

Anakin: B-- but--

Tahiri: Oh, come. You must try to relax. Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston, practise your art.

Doctor Winston: Try to relax. (begins to take off his pants)

Anakin (nervous): Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

Doctor Piglet: We must examine you.

Anakin: There's nothing wrong with that.

Doctor Piglet: Please, we ARE doctors.

Anakin (gets off the bed): Look, this cannot be! I am sworn to chastity!

Doctor Piglet (stern): Back to your bed! At once!

Anakin: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!

Doctor Piglet: There's no Grail here.

Anakin (leaves): I have seen it! I have seen it! (enters a new room) I have---

Girls: Hello. Hello.

Anakin: Oh.

Girls: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Anakin (sees someone): Tahiri!

Zoot: No, I am Tahiri's twin sister, Zoot.

Anakin: Well, I--, uh, excuse me--

Zoot: Where are you going?

Anakin: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!!

Zoot (realizes something): Oh, no! Bad, bad Tahiri!

Anakin: What is it?

Zoot: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Tahiri! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is Grail-shaped.
It's not the first time we've had this problem.

Anakin: It's not the real Grail?!!

Zoot: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Tahiri! She is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in castle SELCORE, we have but one punishment for
setting alight the Grail-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.

Girls: A spanking! A spanking!

Zoot: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.

Girls: And me! And me! And me! And me!

Zoot: Yes, you must give us all a good spanking! And after the spanking, the oral sex!

Girls (screaming with delight): The oral sex! The oral sex!

Anakin: Well, I suppose I could stay a bit longer.



(Kyp Durron enters with two random Jedi Knights)



Kyp: Sir Anakin!

Anakin: Oh, hello.

Kyp: Quick!

Anakin: What?

Kyp: Quick!

Anakn: Why?

Kyp: You are in great peril!

Zoot: No, he isn't!!

Kyp (brings his lightsaber up): Silence, foul temptress!

Anakin (pushes Kyp's lightsaber down): You know, she's got a point.

Kyp: Come! We will cover your escape!

Anakin: Look, I'm fine!

Kyp: Come on!

Girls: Sir Anakin!

Anakin: No, look! I can tackle this lot single-handed!

Girls: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!

Kyp: No, Sir Anakin! Come on!

Anakin: No! Really, I can handle this lot easily.

Kyp: No! Quick! Quick!

Anakin: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!

Zoot: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance!

Girls: We haven't a chance! He will beat us easily............



(Kyp and Anakin and the other Jedi leave and shut the door.)



Zoot: Oh, shit.



Kyp: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

Anakin: I don't think I was.

Kyp: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.

Anakin: Look, let me go back and face the peril.

Kyp: No, it's too perilous.

Anakin: Look, it's my duty as a Jedi Knight to sample as much peril as I can.

Kyp: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!

Anakin: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?

Kyp: No, it's unhealthy.

Anakin: I'll bet you're gay.


(a fairly short pause)


Kyp: No, I'm not.



















THE END.