"Senseless Banter and Beyond"
By: FLuFFy
Rating: PG13
Notes: Notes... Boy, I don't know.

~~~~


[scene. Donna's uh... area.]


SAM [walking in]
Hey.


DONNA
Sam!


SAM
Yeah?


DONNA
Where were you last night?


SAM
Last night?


DONNA
I tried to call you.


SAM
You never call me.


DONNA
I know. So, where were you?


SAM
I don't think it concerns you.


DONNA
Oh my god!


SAM
What!?


DONNA
You were out with Mallory!


SAM
No...


DONNA
Yes you were!


SAM
I really wasn't.


DONNA
Ainsley!?


SAM
No...


DONNA
Cathy!?


SAM
No. We haven't seen her in years.


DONNA
Josh!?


SAM
I don't have time for this...


DONNA
Aha!


SAM
"Aha" what?


DONNA
You were with Josh!


SAM
NO...I actually do have to go...


DONNA
Your not going anywhere!


SAM
You mean "you're".


DONNA
What!?


SAM
Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E


DONNA
I'm speaking! How do you... You know what? It doesn't matter.


SAM
I hafta go...


DONNA
Fine. Be that way. But, you know I'm going to have to ask Josh.


SAM
Go ahead.




[scene. Toby's office.]


SAM
Batman!


TOBY
Don't do that.


SAM
Fair enough.


TOBY
So, what compels the Boy Wonder to enter my lair?


SAM
If I can't call you Batman, then why...


TOBY
What do you want, Sam?


SAM
I need the thing.


TOBY
Okay.


SAM
Don't "okay" me. This is serious.


TOBY
I know.


SAM
So, where is it?


TOBY
Joey's got it.


SAM
Alright. Is it looking bad?


TOBY
Terrible.


SAM
Does anybody even know what we're talking about?


TOBY
I doubt it.


SAM
So this is filler?


TOBY
I'd say so.


SAM
That's not very fair.


TOBY
Life's not fair, Robin.


SAM
Would you stop...


TOBY
Not a chance, SchmutzyPants.


SAM
That's ridiculous.


TOBY
If we don't engage in senseless banter, we'll get no screentime at all. Is that what you want!?


SAM
Of course not.


TOBY
So...How about those Mets?





[scene. Zoey's dorm. Zoey and Charlie are there.]

ZOEY
Hey, Charlie.


CHARLIE
Hey.


ZOEY
What are you doing here?


CHARLIE
Can't a guy visit his girlfriend?


ZOEY
We're still dating?


CHARLIE
Yeah.


ZOEY
You're sure?


CHARLIE
Yes!


ZOEY
Completely?


CHARLIE
Yes! Somebody would have mentioned if we'd broken up!


ZOEY
Just because they didn't mention it doesn't mean it didn't happen.


CHARLIE
But...


ZOEY
It's like Sam and Josh. Everybody knows they've done it, we just don't mention it.


CHARLIE
Sam and Josh...


ZOEY
You're kidding me. You didn't know?


CHARLIE
No, but this still doesn't solve our problem.


ZOEY
I know...


CHARLIE
We need to find out if we're still together or not.


ZOEY
I agree.


CHARLIE
Yeah.


ZOEY
You know what else I'd like to know?


CHARLIE
What?


ZOEY
Why aren't you in college right now?


CHARLIE
I...


ZOEY
Oh, for Pete's sake!


CHARLIE
Hey, don't blame me! Blame my lack of ensemble interaction!


ZOEY
I'm Sorry...


CHARLIE
Me too. It's just... sometimes I wonder why I'm even in this cast.


ZOEY
Don't say that! You're just as important as everyone else!


CHARLIE
I'm really not.


ZOEY
I know...





[scene. Oval office. Toby and POTUS are there.]


TOBY
Mr. President?


POTUS
Toby.


TOBY
Sir, I came to talk to you about re-election.


POTUS
You know, in Africa the word for midget is "Bun-took," and when they migrated to Europe, it was mistranslated into "alfonza," which is Italian for "Man-eater." So, you can imagine what a predicament the midgets were in.


TOBY
Uh. Sir?


POTUS
See, the African circus came to town, and a group of Italians started a coup, thinking that a group of man-eaters were coming.


TOBY
Mr. President!


POTUS
What, Toby!? What!?


TOBY
Joey's been working on the polls for re-election.


POTUS
And?


TOBY
You might wanna sit down.


POTUS
If our legs bent the other way, what would chairs look like?


TOBY
Sir, this is serious. You're veering off-topic as if you have some sort of learning disorder.


POTUS
For God's sake, Toby, what do you want!?


TOBY
I'm trying to tell you, but you keep talking about midgets and chairs!


POTUS
I'm listening now. So, what?


TOBY
Sir, with Stackhouse in the election now...


POTUS
What?


TOBY
...We're going to lose.


POTUS
That's ridiculous, Toby! I'm the lead. What would make you think it's possible that I'd lose the election?


TOBY
Sir, the polls...


POTUS
I always win.


TOBY
Not this time.


POTUS
What's next?


TOBY
I'm serious, Sir. You can't just change the subject. We're going to lose, Mr. President. And there's nothing you can do about it...


[dramatic music starts up in the background]





[scene. Josh and Sam are in the communications bullpen.]


SAM
Do you hear something?


JOSH
Not really...


["Halleeeeeeluuuuujaaaaaahhhh! Halllleeeeluuuujaaaaah!"]


SAM
What is that?


JOSH
Oh, the music. It provides dramatic undertone.


SAM
What!?


JOSH
Yeah, it usually begins a montage.


["It's a coooollddd and it's a broookeen hallleeeeluuuujjaaaah"]


SAM
Hey, I know this song. This is the one they played when Simon was killed. It distracted me from "War of the Roses."


JOSH
Yeah, how was that play by the way? Boring?


SAM
To who?


JOSH
You mean "whom"?


SAM
No, who.


JOSH
You sure?


SAM
Yeah.


JOSH
What were we talking about?


SAM
I don't remember.


JOSH
Me either.


SAM
Neither.


JOSH
What?


SAM
You said "either".


JOSH
Oh, shut up.


SAM
You're being mean to me again.


JOSH
I am not. That was a playful "shut up"


SAM
It came across as cranky.


JOSH
Well, it wasn't intended that way.


SAM
It doesn't matter how you meant it. What matters is how the "shut up" is received. I could misinterpret that as anger, and then where would we be?


JOSH
Not speaking again?


SAM
Exactly.


JOSH
You're such a girl.


SAM
You are.


GINGER
Would you two just kiss already?


SAM
What!?


JOSH
We're not gay!


GINGER
If you say so.


SAM
Good. Because we do say so.


JOSH
Yes. And I have a girlfriend.


SAM
If that's what you wanna call Amy.


JOSH
What's wrong with Amy!?


GINGER
This is gonna take a while.


[Sam nods his head]


JOSH
I thought you liked her!


SAM
You ever notice how we stopped speaking after she came along?


JOSH
I thought that was just because Aaron forgot about you.


SAM
Well, he did. But I still don't like her.


JOSH
Why!?


SAM
She takes away our screentime together.


GINGER
I knew you guys were in love!


SAM
We are not!


JOSH
Amy and I need the screentime. It's a blossoming romance.


SAM
But we've been friends for years!


JOSH
You and Amy?


SAM
No! You and I! Amy and I have never even met!


JOSH
Yes you have.


SAM
Really?


JOSH
Yeah.


SAM
You sure?


JOSH
Yes! How could you hate someone you've never met?


SAM
I don't know! Why don't you ask the audience?


JOSH
They hate her too?


SAM
Well, duh.


JOSH
No way!


SAM
Yeah. And they're starting to like you less for being with her.


JOSH
How do you know this!?


SAM
We get tons of letters.


JOSH
Seriously?


SAM
Yeah.


JOSH
You don't hate me for being with Amy, do you?


SAM
Of course not.


GINGER
In love!


JOSH
Are not! [to Sam] Really?


SAM
I could never hate you.


JOSH
Well, thanks for that. But the audience hates me?


SAM
Dislikes.


JOSH
Same difference!


SAM
Oxymoron.


JOSH
Same to you, buddy!


SAM
No, "Same Difference" is an oxymoron.


JOSH
Sorry, I misunderstood.


SAM
Yeah, there's a lot of that going around. What is this? An episode of "Three's Company"?


[Josh sits down]


JOSH
I can't believe everyone hates Amy.


SAM
I'm sorry.


JOSH
No, you're not.


SAM
No, I'm not. Amy's a shrew.


JOSH
Way to comfort me!


SAM
I've got my own problems. Just...go hit on Donna and yours is solved.


JOSH
Seriously?


SAM
Yeah.


JOSH
Me and Donna?


SAM
"Donna and I"


JOSH
Sam!


SAM
I should stop doing that.


JOSH
Yeah. I think I'm gonna do it...


SAM
Hit on Donna?


JOSH
Yeah.


SAM
Well, good luck. About my problem...


JOSH
See ya later!


[Josh walks away]


[Sam sighs]


SAM
Nevermind, then.





[scene. CJ's office. There's a knock at the door.]

CJ
Come in.


[Leo enters]


LEO
HI.


CJ
What are you doing here?


LEO
I...


CJ
We hardly ever interact!


LEO
Yeah, well, everyone else is interacting with someone else. I was the only one left. So, how's it going?


CJ
Fine.


LEO
Listen. The polls...


CJ
I know about the polls.


LEO
Good, because the press is...


CJ
I know, Leo.


LEO
They're also gonna ask about Sam.


CJ
What about him?


LEO
Somebody saw him getting gay with Kevin.


CJ
As in... Kevin the tape guy? LOG KABIN KEVIN!?!?


LEO
We shouldn't judge...


CJ
I'm not judging. I'm saying this can't be right! In subtext...maybe. MAYBE. But, it just wouldn't happen...


LEO
You're sure?


CJ
Positive. Josh would never forgive him!


LEO
Why does everyone keep saying...



[Ginger peeks her head in]


GINGER
Because they're gay.


DONNA [walking by]
Sam and Josh?


GINGER
Yeah.


DONNA
Totally.



LEO
Well, I guess I can look into it for you...


CJ
You do that.


LEO
Later on. We have the thing in 10 minutes.


CJ
Okay.



[scene. Oval Office.]


POTUS
I've asked you all here to use up the special guest star budget.


LEO
Mr. President?


POTUS
Yes. I'd like you all to meet Tustin Jimberflake.



[Tustin is played by...oh, you can figure it out. Just switch the 'T' and 'J' and axe the 'f'.]



JOSH
You've got to be kidding me.


POTUS
Tustin is our new white house counsel.


SAM
What about Ainsley!?


JOSH
She's in Miami investigating crime scenes.


SAM
Hu...


JOSH
Don't ask.


TUSTIN
Yo! I can do this hyar job, G!


LEO
Mr. President...are you sure Tustin is the right person for this job?


POTUS
Positive.


TUSTIN
I got dem qualifications and shiyaaat, bro.


JOSH
For God's sake, man! You're white!


CJ
Let it go, Josh. He's just a guest star. He'll never be seen again.


JOSH
Oh yeah. Uh...welcome to the White House, Tustin.


TUSTIN
Shyeah. You best be respectin'!


TOBY
Somebody hold me back!


CJ
Calm down, Toby-wan.


TUSTIN
Best be takin' a chill pill, brizzo.



[Toby turns bright shades of red]



LEO
Sam, you better get him out of here.


TUSTIN
Word. I don' gotsta take dis!


TOBY
Gaaahhh....


SAM
I'm on it.


[Sam grabs Toby and tosses him out of the room.]


SAM
Well, that's taken care of.


CJ
Yeah...so uh...Toby said there was something important to discuss.


SAM
What?


JOSH
Damnit, CJ! We can't discuss the important thing until he's out of the room. [looks at Sam]


SAM
But...


JOSH
Sam, you know I love you, but you have to leave...


GINGER [peaking her head in]
I knew it!


JOSH
Shut up!


SAM
Why do I have to go?


JOSH
I can't tell him.


CJ
Me neither. It's too painful.


SAM
What!?


LEO
You have a meeting with Leonard Filtip...


SAM
Who?


LEO
...to discuss banning UFOs.


SAM
No!


LEO
Sam...


SAM
No!


JOSH
Sam...


SAM
No! I can't do this again!


JOSH
I'm sorry. Somebody has to...


SAM
I left a six figure income with one of the world's biggest law firms for this?


CJ
It's not that bad...


SAM
It's a crackplot! A crackplot, CJ! Do you know what that's like!?


CHARLIE
I do.


POTUS
Charlie, what are you doing here?


CHARLIE
I was wondering, Sir... Am I still dating your daughter?


POTUS
I really don't know.


CHARLIE
Okay. Sorry to bother you, Mr.President.


POTUS
No problem. So...


SAM
I'm not leaving.


CJ
Don't be stubborn.


SAM
I'm not being stubborn.


TUSTIN
I gotsta disagree, foo'!


LEO
Okay...you have to leave too.


TUSTIN
What? Da's a load of shite!


LEO
Go away before I kill you.


[Tustin leaves, mumbling]


CJ
Oh, thank God!


LEO
Sam...


JOSH
I'll do it.


SAM
What?


JOSH
I'll take the crackplot.


CJ
Josh, you...


JOSH
I'll do it.


SAM
Josh, are you sure?


JOSH
Yeah. I already know what this is about anyway. We're gonna lose the election. Blah, blah, new-ideacakes.


SAM
Thanks, buddy..


[CJ giggles]


SAM [correcting himself]
Thanks, Josh. Wait... we're gonna lose!?


LEO
I was wondering if you caught that...


SAM
I did.


LEO
Good. But on to more important matters...


SAM
More important than losing the election!?


POTUS
Sam, I'm the lead...


[Sam grumbles]


POTUS
...I'll win.


SAM
But Toby said...


POTUS
Screw Toby...


LEO
Sam, do you honestly think Ritchie's gonna win?


SAM
No.


LEO
So, the next thing is... Cj?


CJ
Sam, did you get your gay on with Kevin?


SAM
Kevin...?


CJ
Of the Ritchie campaign.


SAM
No.


CJ
You sure?


SAM
Well, yeah. I think I'd know!


CJ
Okay. No, really, are you sure?


SAM
Absolutely. Josh would nev... You know what? It doesn't matter. No. Just no.


LEO
Well, okay then. CJ, debunk it.


CJ
Okay.


LEO
And the re-election thing?


POTUS
What?


LEO
Let's forget we ever mentioned that.


CJ
Why?


LEO
It's a foregone conclusion.


[Sam cringes]


LEO
What?


SAM
Nothing.


LEO
Okay. You're all dismissed.



[scene. Josh's office.]


JOSH
Donna!


DONNA
What?


JOSH
I have to ask you something.


DONNA
Okay.


JOSH
I was wondering if...maybe...you would like to...


DONNA
You're asking me out?


JOSH
Well...


DONNA
That's horribly inappropriate.


JOSH
I'm...


DONNA
Okay.


JOSH
Okay?


DONNA
It's about time.


JOSH
So, why the "innapropriate"?


DONNA
Oh, it is, but that never stopped you and Sam.


JOSH
Uh...


DONNA
Everyone knows, Josh.


JOSH
But...


DONNA
No, really. We know. Stop denying it.


JOSH
But...How did you all know?


DONNA
It's obvious.


JOSH
Really?


DONNA
Pretty much.


JOSH
Oh. Wait...you know about Sam and you still wanna go out with me?


DONNA
Sure. You, me, and Sam is one fine man sandwich!


JOSH
Whoa! Whoa, now!


DONNA
What?


JOSH
Man sandwich!?


DONNA
Well, yeah. You think I'd just go out with you without the promise of some Josh on Sam action...


JOSH
Oh, God!


DONNA
What?


JOSH
Enough! I'm out of here!


DONNA
Wait...so you don't wanna go out...?


JOSH
NO!



[scene. Communications bullpen]


GINGER
Hey, Josh.


[Josh grumbles]


GINGER
What's wrong?


JOSH
Donna wanted a Man Sandwich!


GINGER
You and Sam?


JOSH
Yes! Can you believe that!?


GINGER
Mmmmmm...


JOSH
Oh my God!


GINGER
So, where are you going?


JOSH
Crackplot.


GINGER
Really? You, JOSH LYMAN, with a crackplot?


JOSH
Yeah, I took it for Sam.


GINGER
Awww....


JOSH
Don't even.


GINGER
Fine. But you know...


JOSH
Don't.


GINGER
It's so...


JOSH
I hate you all.



[scene. CJ's office. CJ's returning from a Press Conference.]


SAM
Nice work out there.


CJ
I know.


SAM
I know you know.


CJ
I know you know I know, Spanky.


SAM
I'm not gonna...


CJ
You forgot how many "I know"/"You know"s there were?


SAM
"Spanky" threw me.


CJ
Fair enough. Whatcha want?


SAM
Senseless banter and beyond.


CJ
Beyond?


SAM
Yeah, things with actual meaning.


CJ
Oh, God. Who died?


SAM
Nobody died.


CJ
You sure?


SAM
Yes.


CJ
Then what's up?


SAM
It's just that... I...he...l-last...


CJ
Sam... Are you gonna get that sentence out any day now?


SAM
You know what? Nevermind. Forget I said anything.


CJ
Okay.


SAM
Really? Just "Okay"?


CJ
Yeah. Tell me when you feel like it, Princeton.


SAM
Can you all stop with the nicknames?


CJ
Not a chance, Sunshine.


SAM
Yeah, okay.


JOSH
Sam!


SAM
What?


JOSH
We need to talk.


SAM
Okay.


[They walk into the hallway.]


SAM
What's up?


JOSH
Everybody knows!


SAM
What?


JOSH
The thing!


SAM
Yeah, you're gonna need to be more specific.


JOSH
With...us.


SAM
What about...Oh! That thing! Who knows!?


JOSH
Donna and Ginger. And, well, if you know those two everyone else will know within a day.


TOBY [peeking his head in]
We already knew.


SAM
Well, that's not good.


JOSH
No kidding.


SAM
What do we do?


JOSH
Hush money?


SAM
Josh...


JOSH
You're no fun.


SAM
That's not what you said last...


JOSH
Sam!


SAM
What? It's bad enough I had to tell you to go hit on Donna, I can't even...


JOSH
Yeah, Donna? Not happening.


SAM
She said "no"?


JOSH
Not exactly.


SAM
Then what?


JOSH
She wanted a manwich.


SAM
As in Man Sandwich?


JOSH
Yeah...


SAM
As in Donna and you and...


JOSH
You.


SAM
Whoa.


JOSH
That pretty much sums it up.


SAM
Yeah, so what are we gonna do about them?


JOSH
We can deny it.


SAM
We could, but then what if someone sees us together later on.


JOSH
I'd have to give up my Sam-love. That's no good.


SAM
No.


JOSH
So what do we do?


SAM
I don't know.


JOSH
You're not being helpful.


SAM
Neither are you.


JOSH
Yeah.


[Sam sits down and sighs]


SAM
How about...


JOSH
Yeah?


SAM
I'm thinking.


JOSH
Okay.


SAM
We don't deny anything.


JOSH
But that's honest!


SAM
Yeah. I'm young and idealistic, remember?


JOSH
Yeah, we get hit with those anvils every.freaking.episode.


SAM
We do not! Those are just seeping in from the ER lot nextdoor.


JOSH
Stop being gay, Sam.


SAM
It's a little too late for that.


JOSH [giggling]
You're so ridiculous.


SAM
This whole storyline is, but you love it just the same.


JOSH
Yeah.


SAM
Admit it.


JOSH
No!


SAM
C'Mon!


JOSH
I love you...er...the storyline!


SAM
What did you say?


JOSH
I like the storyline. I hafta go...


SAM
Josh...


JOSH
Later!



[scene. staff meeting, later.]


TOBY
We need to push this bill.


CJ
Toby...


TOBY
Don't interrupt. If we don't, we're going to look like we don't care.


JOSH
Toby...


TOBY
And if we look like we don't care, we're screwed with our pants on!


LEO
Toby!


TOBY
What?


LEO
What the hell are you talking about?


POTUS [to leo]
I'll handle this...


LEO
Sir?


POTUS [to Toby]
It's an election year, Toby! We can't do this now. If we do, we'll lose and we won't get a chance to push it later on.


TOBY
I understand.


LEO
What was that about?


POTUS
No clue.


LEO
Ulysses S. Grant in the main foyer of the white house had a 2 ton block of SPAM...


POTUS
Did I ever tell you all about the midgets in Africa? You see, in Africa, the word for midget is...


SAM
Mr. President...


LEO
...the people could just come and have the SPAM whenever they wanted....


POTUS
...And when they migrated to Europe, it was mistranslated...


CJ
Mr. President...


[POTUS and LEO continue to yammer loudly]


LEO
Finally, it was so rotten...


POTUS
...that the midgets were mistaken for man-eaters...


LEO
...and they had to throw it out...


JOSH
What's going on?


TOBY
It's a banter-off!


POTUS
...and consequently...


LEO
...this guy is walking down the street and he falls into a hole...


POTUS
...this football player says...


LEO
...the minister walks by and he says...


SAM
ENOUGH!


JOSH
Sam, maybe you should just let them go.


SAM
No! Every day I sit here...and..and...I never get to say anything important...and when I do the President interrupts me to talk about midgets...or...or...


[Sam begins singing]

SAM
Sometimes it's UFOS,
And sometimes it's the seat belt!
Sometimes it's HMOS,
And sometimes it's purple felt!


CJ
I wonder what Sam does with felt...


JOSH [blushing]
It doesn't matter.


SAM
And soooommmmeetiimmmeeessssssss,
sometimes it's Superconducting Supercolliders!



TOBY
Why the singing? Why?


JOSH
It's November sweeps.


TOBY
Oh.


SAM
Well, I don't wanna deal with an alien,
and I don't wanna deal with the penny.
I don't care if Ainsley's episcopalian,
I just want Josh-love a-plenty.


CJ
Epis...


TOBY
It rhymes.


JOSH
Josh-love!? I have no idea what he's talking about...


CJ
Cut the crap, Josh.


TOBY
Seriously. Is he done singing now?


SAM
Yeah, I think I am.


CJ
Sam, why didn't you say something earlier?


SAM
Well then we couldn't have had clunky exposition at the very end.


TOBY
It's not exposition if everybody knew.


SAM
Yeah...not really a good plan. Does the press need to know?



TOBY
Oh, nobody gives a rat's ass. I, for one, could care less.


SAM
Couldn't.


TOBY
What?


SAM
You said "could"


TOBY
Shut up, Sparkie McLyman.


SAM
The names are back?


TOBY
Yeah.


LEO
Okay, I hate to interrupt you all...


POTUS
No you don't.


LEO
No, I don't. This meeting should have ended a long time ago.


SAM
Yeah, sorry about that.


TOBY
Sorry...


CJ
Sorry...


LEO
What are you all "sorry"ing for? LEAVE!


[Everyone leaves]


POTUS
So, the meeting's over?


LEO
Yes, Mr. President.


POTUS
I can go now?


LEO
Absolutely.


POTUS
Did I ever tell you the one about the trucker who was arrested for...


LEO
Not now.


POTUS
Okay.



****



END NOTES: I told you it was "Senseless banter," so don't be mad that you wasted your precious time. Also, I'll leave it up to you [the reader] to guess what Sam and Josh do with felt...