My first LOTR story- I hate most, love few. Aaaaaaanyyway, this is a Super-
Parody! From a-zed, I only miss y and x. Enjoy!
The Earth has changed. I smell it in the earth. I touch it in the air. I feel it in the thingy that's kind of around us, but we don't know what it is. I think it's called a spirit, but that would cause some religious debate there. Don't want that, do we?
Much that once was, is lost. Though none now live who remember it. Long ago, in Middle-Earth, just above lower earth and lower than tall earth, a tale of great proportions came to pass.
It started with the making of the great Things of Power. Though officially the Elves made them on their own, three were given to them. Immortal, fairest and wisest of all creatures. With this knowledge, they ousted house-elves to the land of Harry Potter, who only the witless and the dumb who don't know what truly good writing is read, and the few intelligent ones are buggered into it by friends and school, and sincerely regret it.
Seven were given to the dwarves, master miners, whiners and winers. Snow white got pissed, but hey! She's almost dead, right?
Neine, no nine, were given to the race of Men. Stupid, dumb, greedy and tireless they are. We aren't sure if George W. Bush is a member, but it would help if he wasn't.
But they were all of them deceived. In the fires of Mount Doom and Gloom, the dark lord Sar-On forged, in secret, a Master Thing. He took molten gold, and a fancy new model which he bought with his allowance from Mummy, he tried, and failed miserably, to pour in his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. That failed, so he just poured in his blood.
And taking the sharpest blade from the finest sword, he tried to engrave a verse upon the band. This, by the way, is miserably mistaken in the movie, but he knows better, don't he?
Right upon contact with the Thing, the sword shattered. He kept on using all possible blades he could find, but none would work. Deep in the Armoury, he felt about him for a blade, and pulled out his Swiss Army knife, constantly thinking 'Does Switzerland REALLY have an army?'
Pulling out the small whittling blade, he put it to the Thing. It did not break. He engraved the message, but it didn't show up. He threw a tantrum and threw it into a small fire, and it suddenly appeared.
"Hey!" He exclaimed. "Talk about serendipitous!" And with that, he began to dominate all life. Except for the elves. They made their own Things, remember?
Over time, the Free Peeps of Middle Earth fell to the Shadow. But there were those who resisted. (Insert fancy sounding drums and doomy music here) A last alliance of Men, and Elves (even though its really called the Last Alliance of Elves and Men, and there might be some after this one) marched against the armies of More and Less Door. And on the slopes of mount Doom and Gloom, they fought for the freedom of Middle Earth.
(See all these battle scenes, arrows zipping by Elronds head, orcs getting killed, yada yada yada) But the will of the Thing could not be undone. Sar- On, running away from Mummy, joined in the thickest part of the battle. Don't ask how it got thick, but custard and corn starch WAS involved. He waved his Swiss Army Knife around, and everyone flew back on fancy cables.
It was at this hour, the Isinthedoor, son of the King Isonthefloor of Here and Gone Door, took up his fathers sword. His daddy lay dead on the ground, because he killed him Gladiator style, crying while he suffocated his father. What a dumbass.
Anywho, he took up the sword Parsel, and slashed the Thing from Sar-On's body part where it lay. Yes, the Thing is amorphous. Don't know where it could POSSIBLY go, but if Sar-On got UP OFF HIS ASS and got a decent model, he'd have a better time of it.
With a giant explosion, Sar-On, the Enemy of the Free Peeps of Middle Earth, was defeated. It is described as having a giant shockwave pass out through the area, and killing everyone, but at least Elrond and Isinthefloor survived.
The Thing should have been destroyed, but the hearts of Men are easily corrupted, and the Thing of Power has a thingy of its own. Not that kind, I mean that thing, where you can do something on your own, um. Well it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter!
The Thing lay dormant for IT'S A WILL! A WILL! Two and a half thousand years. And for that long, it passed out of all knowledge. Well, not really, because Elrond was there, and he's still alive, along with other Elves, so that's not really accurate, right?
One sunny day, Smeagol was going out fishing. Grabbing his gear, and humming that catchy Bell Canada theme, he went out to the dock and fished. And instead of catching his daily boot, he caught the ring. Lucky. So he took it to the Misty Mountains, and there, it consumed him. Well, not really, it didn't EAT him, but it DID poison his mind.
"My love, my own, my preciousssssssssssssssss." He would chant, over and over, because he couldn't find a better word. He wasn't very bright. So for five hundred years he stayed in the cave, consumed by the Thing, but not eaten, as I've already pointed out to the lucky few who can read faster than a snail shuffling up a mountain festooned with rocks and grizzly bears. Lucky bears.
Rumour grew of a shadow in the East. Whispers of a nameless fear. And the Thing of Power received; its time had now come. It abandoned Gollum.
But something happened then, the Thing did not intend. But it was meant to happen, somwhow, but not by the Thing. It's a long story, in one of the many millions of books made by Tolkien. Meh.
It was picked up by a habit. No, not those robe thingies you see in Redwall, a hafling. Nuisances they were, a terrible habit to pick up. So they were called habits. The habits themselves didn't get the joke. Their tiny brains don't get much, now do they?
It was picked up by the most unlikely of creatures. Wilbo Bilburforce of the Shower. He crawled into Gollum's cave, picked it up, won a riddle contest, and got out. I dunno, read the Hobbit if you must.
For there would come a time when Habits would shape the fortunes of them all.
************************************************************************
So what do you all think? I know, its just a silly prologue, chapter two will come out again soon. And to the people who started hating my OTHER book? SCREW YOU!
The Earth has changed. I smell it in the earth. I touch it in the air. I feel it in the thingy that's kind of around us, but we don't know what it is. I think it's called a spirit, but that would cause some religious debate there. Don't want that, do we?
Much that once was, is lost. Though none now live who remember it. Long ago, in Middle-Earth, just above lower earth and lower than tall earth, a tale of great proportions came to pass.
It started with the making of the great Things of Power. Though officially the Elves made them on their own, three were given to them. Immortal, fairest and wisest of all creatures. With this knowledge, they ousted house-elves to the land of Harry Potter, who only the witless and the dumb who don't know what truly good writing is read, and the few intelligent ones are buggered into it by friends and school, and sincerely regret it.
Seven were given to the dwarves, master miners, whiners and winers. Snow white got pissed, but hey! She's almost dead, right?
Neine, no nine, were given to the race of Men. Stupid, dumb, greedy and tireless they are. We aren't sure if George W. Bush is a member, but it would help if he wasn't.
But they were all of them deceived. In the fires of Mount Doom and Gloom, the dark lord Sar-On forged, in secret, a Master Thing. He took molten gold, and a fancy new model which he bought with his allowance from Mummy, he tried, and failed miserably, to pour in his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. That failed, so he just poured in his blood.
And taking the sharpest blade from the finest sword, he tried to engrave a verse upon the band. This, by the way, is miserably mistaken in the movie, but he knows better, don't he?
Right upon contact with the Thing, the sword shattered. He kept on using all possible blades he could find, but none would work. Deep in the Armoury, he felt about him for a blade, and pulled out his Swiss Army knife, constantly thinking 'Does Switzerland REALLY have an army?'
Pulling out the small whittling blade, he put it to the Thing. It did not break. He engraved the message, but it didn't show up. He threw a tantrum and threw it into a small fire, and it suddenly appeared.
"Hey!" He exclaimed. "Talk about serendipitous!" And with that, he began to dominate all life. Except for the elves. They made their own Things, remember?
Over time, the Free Peeps of Middle Earth fell to the Shadow. But there were those who resisted. (Insert fancy sounding drums and doomy music here) A last alliance of Men, and Elves (even though its really called the Last Alliance of Elves and Men, and there might be some after this one) marched against the armies of More and Less Door. And on the slopes of mount Doom and Gloom, they fought for the freedom of Middle Earth.
(See all these battle scenes, arrows zipping by Elronds head, orcs getting killed, yada yada yada) But the will of the Thing could not be undone. Sar- On, running away from Mummy, joined in the thickest part of the battle. Don't ask how it got thick, but custard and corn starch WAS involved. He waved his Swiss Army Knife around, and everyone flew back on fancy cables.
It was at this hour, the Isinthedoor, son of the King Isonthefloor of Here and Gone Door, took up his fathers sword. His daddy lay dead on the ground, because he killed him Gladiator style, crying while he suffocated his father. What a dumbass.
Anywho, he took up the sword Parsel, and slashed the Thing from Sar-On's body part where it lay. Yes, the Thing is amorphous. Don't know where it could POSSIBLY go, but if Sar-On got UP OFF HIS ASS and got a decent model, he'd have a better time of it.
With a giant explosion, Sar-On, the Enemy of the Free Peeps of Middle Earth, was defeated. It is described as having a giant shockwave pass out through the area, and killing everyone, but at least Elrond and Isinthefloor survived.
The Thing should have been destroyed, but the hearts of Men are easily corrupted, and the Thing of Power has a thingy of its own. Not that kind, I mean that thing, where you can do something on your own, um. Well it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter!
The Thing lay dormant for IT'S A WILL! A WILL! Two and a half thousand years. And for that long, it passed out of all knowledge. Well, not really, because Elrond was there, and he's still alive, along with other Elves, so that's not really accurate, right?
One sunny day, Smeagol was going out fishing. Grabbing his gear, and humming that catchy Bell Canada theme, he went out to the dock and fished. And instead of catching his daily boot, he caught the ring. Lucky. So he took it to the Misty Mountains, and there, it consumed him. Well, not really, it didn't EAT him, but it DID poison his mind.
"My love, my own, my preciousssssssssssssssss." He would chant, over and over, because he couldn't find a better word. He wasn't very bright. So for five hundred years he stayed in the cave, consumed by the Thing, but not eaten, as I've already pointed out to the lucky few who can read faster than a snail shuffling up a mountain festooned with rocks and grizzly bears. Lucky bears.
Rumour grew of a shadow in the East. Whispers of a nameless fear. And the Thing of Power received; its time had now come. It abandoned Gollum.
But something happened then, the Thing did not intend. But it was meant to happen, somwhow, but not by the Thing. It's a long story, in one of the many millions of books made by Tolkien. Meh.
It was picked up by a habit. No, not those robe thingies you see in Redwall, a hafling. Nuisances they were, a terrible habit to pick up. So they were called habits. The habits themselves didn't get the joke. Their tiny brains don't get much, now do they?
It was picked up by the most unlikely of creatures. Wilbo Bilburforce of the Shower. He crawled into Gollum's cave, picked it up, won a riddle contest, and got out. I dunno, read the Hobbit if you must.
For there would come a time when Habits would shape the fortunes of them all.
************************************************************************
So what do you all think? I know, its just a silly prologue, chapter two will come out again soon. And to the people who started hating my OTHER book? SCREW YOU!
