Welcome back to the place where there is NO end to the insanity! I only wrote this about five minutes after the first chapter. No reviews yet. WHY?

************************************************************************ 60 years later, the Shower...

Frobo Bilburforce was sitting against a tree, and saw a trail of smoke from a distance. He didn't think much of it, until he remembered that Old Man Gandy always set forest fires when he arrived in the Shower. Smoky Bear was not pleased.

"You're late!" He yelled at the wizard.

"A Wizard is never late." Retorted Old Man Gandy. "He only pisses everyone off by not coming early enough." He said, and for no plausible reason, the two burst into foolish laughter.

"It's wonderful to see you Old Man Grey!" Frobo yelled, and the Sackville Bagginses got even more pissed. He laughed harder yet. "What news of the outside world? Tell me everything!" He yelled into the ears of the wizard. Gandy smacked him off the cart, but Frobo returned Terminator style, so Gandy gave up.

"The wide world turns as it once did. Most people don't even know of the existence of Habits. For which I am very grateful." He said dully.

"That's it?" Frobo yelled once more.

"Well, of course it is. This scene never happens in the book, so the screenwriters just fill it up with crap." Gandy said. A bunch of children gathered round the cart, hoping for fireworks. 'G for Gastronomically Challenged!' they shouted. Gandy turned around, and started to yell at them. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? HAVE YOU NO PATIENCE FOR THE DAMN PARTY! WHY CAN'T AN OLD WIZARD GET HIGH OFF OF PIPE WEED AND NOT BE BOTHERED BY YOU UGLY, DEFORMED CHILDREN OF UGLY IDIOTS???" At this, the children became very sad, and began to cry. 'Oh, what the hell.' Gandy thought, and set off a few fireworks. He chuckled dryly to himself. The children started dancing around, trying to avoid the fireoworks. Frobo laughed incredibly hard right in Gandy's ear. He was not pleased, so he blasted his head off. It grew back jeeves style like in Men in Black.

"You insensitive prick!" Frobo yelled in his ear. "Do you have any idea how much that hurts?"

"Yep." Gandy said, and pushed Frodo off the cart. That was where he was going to get off.

"I'm glad you're back!" He called at Gandy. He cursed him with elvish style ears, which is how all habits got their ears, from Gandy. They annoyed him to no end.

The cart pulled up to Hag End, where loud noises of certain actions were heard. Gandalf though someone had burned themselves cooking, so he ran right inside. Inside a door to the kitchen, he knocked.

"No!" Came a disgruntled voice. "We don't want well-wishers or distant relations! If that's you, Lobelia, I'll have your head on a stick!"

"And what about very old friends?" Gandy yelled back. The door opened up, and Wilbo Bilburforce opened the door.

"Gandy!" He exclaimed. "Wonderful to see you!" He said, and they hugged in a friendly way. Of course, Old Man Gandy had to bend all the way down to greet him, but he didn't mind.

Wilbo was clutching something on his hand. It was a dock leaf, he had burned his hand. A wizard was always right.

"Would you like some tea? Or maybe something a little stronger! I've got some old Jack Daniels left. Came by here just last week!" He said, bustling around. "I've got some cheese, here. I can make you some eggs, if you like!" He said.

"Just tea, thank you." Gandy said.

"Or maybe some Smirnoff? Gave me some bottles for a birthday present just yesterday!"

"JUST TEA, THANK YOU!" Gandy yelled at him.

"Oh, right!" Wilbo said, and picked up the scalding kettle which was already pre-boiled. Wonder how he knew that.

"So you intend to stick to your plan?" Gandy asked.

"Yes, yes, all the preparations are in order." Wilbo said. "Everything's going to Frobo."

"And what about this Thing of yours, that's going to Frobo as well?" Gandy asked suspiciously.

"Well, if everyTHING is going to Frobo, of course the THING is going to Frodo. Makes sense, doesn't it?" Wilbo retorted.

"Yes, it does." Gandy said.

"You know, here I'm supposed to say a line, other than the four or five that's really in the book. You wonder what Peter Jackson was thinking." Wilbo mused.

"As do I, my old friend." Gandy said, smiling. He was also seen shuffling small cue cards in his hands. "Umm... oh, yes!" He said, clearing his throat. "You go next."

"Oh, yes! I worry about Frobo. He'd come along with me if I asked him to. I want to see mountains, Gandy, mountains! And then settle down where I can finish my book!" He said. Then shuffled his cards once more. "Whoops! Looks like the coffee guy has been messing with these again!"

"Can we just skip to the scene where we're smoking on the hill?" Gandy asked.

"Sure, why not?" And so they were on a hill, smoking pipe-weed.

"Old man Grey, my old friend, this'll be a night to remember!" Wilbo exclaimed, followed by a shower of fireworks meant to freak the audience. Lucky them, it worked on me.

People were doing a weird kind of ducklike dance, hopping around stupidly, until Rosie arrived, and set it straight. Frobo sat down, tired.

"Go on Sam, ask Rosie for a strip!" He yelled in his ear.

"No, I think I'll get another ale." He said nervously, and started to get up.

"Oh no you don't!" Frobo yelled again once more, and sent him flying into Rosie, where, behind a curtain, shadows were moving in the strangest ways. Like I say, Habits are a terribly blind people.

Gandy was setting off more fireworks, and Merry and Pippin were trying to steal one.

"No, no the big, one, idiot!" Merry was saying.

"Gotcha!" Pippin said, pulling out a tiny one.

"No, no, the other kind of big!" Merry hissed once more.

"Gotcha!" Pippin said, pulling out a large dragon shaped one. He walked off with it, stroking it fondly. Merry bit into an apple, though he didn't need to. People weren't even looking at them, and they would have known instantly they were up to something just because he bit into the apple. These were exceptionally dumb Habits.

Pippin kept stroking the firework fondly, while other Habits sent off another one. Gandy ran over to them and pulled off their ears.

"Meriadoc BrandyAddict. And Peregrin Falcon. I might have known." He said, while the Habits howled in pain and tried to explain their innocence. Gandy gave them new elvish style ears. He chose them because the ones who REALLY sent it off already had their new ears in place. Lucky them.

"Speech!" The habits cried. Who exactly said this or how it was said is unknown, but its how it was written by Tolkien, and he's the high honcho.

Wilbo got up. "My dear BAGGINSES AND BOFFINGS" he called. "TOOKS! BORROWED! STOLE! BRANDYADDICTS! GRUBBS! GRABS! BAGS! BRAGS! CHUBBS! AND YOU FOOLS OF SACKVILLE BAGGINSES!" With this last sentence, an even louder cheer was heard. "TODAY IS MY ELEVENTY FIRST BIRTHDAY!" He called. Nobody cheered. Someone coughed, which was followed by a crowd of 'shh!'

"WHICH IS A GREAT ACHIEVEMENT!" HE called, and now there was a cheer of 'Happy Birthday!' "AND ALAS! ELEVENTY ONE YEARS IS FAR TOO LONG A TIME TO LIVE AMONG SUCH STUPID AND AGONIZING HABITS!" He called, and there were a few murmurs from the crowd. "AND ELEVENTY ONE" he said, and people told him to stop with the eleventy one. "I LIKE HALF OF YOU DOUBLE AS WELL AS YOU DESERVE, AND I KNOW DOUBLE OF YOU DOUBLE AS WELL AS I SHOULD LIKE!" and with this, people started throwing their mugs and bottles at him. Battered and bruised, he made an unusually rash decision. "I wish to make AN ANNOUNCEMENT!" He yelled, and all the people became silent and listening. Very unusual for Habits. "I'm leaving now! I hope you've learned your lesson!" And with that, he put on the Thing, and disappeared. People were baffled at what lesson they were supposed to learn, and then cheered at the fact Wilbo left, and learned that if they hated someone, beat them up until they decide to leave. It would be said the next day that there was not a soul remaining in the Shower. After that, everyone came back hoping to take it over, and ended up in the same sad predicament.

Wilbo strode back to Hag End, flipped the Thing in the air and put it in his pocket.

"I suppose you think that was terribly clever?" Came the voice from Gandy.

"Oh, come now Gandy, it was so agonizing, I have to run away from these people." He whined.

"Where's the Thing?" He asked out of question.

"It's over there on the mantelpiece." He said. "No wait, its here in my pocket. Isn't that strange? But why not? I found it its mine! My love, my own, my precioussssss." He hissed.

"That ring has been called precious, but never by you!" Gandy said. "I think you've had it plenty long enough.

Wilbo was shaking with rage. He tried to conjure the best insult he could muster. "You just want it for yourself, that's all!" He yelled at Gandy.

Now Gandy, being a wizard, was entirely unoffended by this stupid remark. But beind one of the Wise, he knew it was the best insult a Habit could find.

"WILBO BILBURFORCE!" He boomed. A cold air surrounded him, and he was supposed to grow to monstrous heights, but the cameraman doesn't know how to pan down. Idiot. "DO NOT TAKE ME FOR A CONJUROR OF CHEAP TRICKS!!!" He boomed, and shrank back down. "I'm trying to help you." And with that, Wilbo ran in tears to Gandy.

"Now you should let it go." Gandy said softly. (Insert fancy dramatic music) Wilbo had the Thing in his hand, tilting unnecessarily slowly, just to make this movie and novel even longer. It dropped to the floor with a loud thud, and Wilbo walked out the door.

"I haven't thought up an ending to my book yet." He mused.

"And I'm sure you will." Gandy said, smiling. And so Wilbo Bilburforce left the Shower forever.

Gandy stood towering over the ring. Now here we all expect something scary, just because of the neat camera angle we've got going. Now lower your hand to the ground, yes, that's it, and here!

Gandy saw a red flash with a dark slit flash upon him for an instant, and then stop. He then sat by the fire smoking some pipeweed, in a strange trance.

"My preciousssss." He hissed at the flames. Frobo walked in the background, and picked up the Thing without trouble. What's wrong with that picture?

"He's gone, hasn't he?" He asked to Gandy. He didn't look away, still in his madness.

"Wilbo's ring. He's gone to stay with the Elves. He's left you Hag End, along with all his possessions." He said in a strange ramble. "Now I must go."

"But you've only just arrived!" Frobo exclaimed.

"There are things I must see to."

"What things?"

"Questions. Questions that need answering. Besides, stupid Harry Potter and his friends keep thinking I'm Dumbeldor." Yes, take that you assholes who think I'm misspelling it. I'm doing that intentionally!!! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!

Just then, Harry, Ron and Hermione came into view. "Dumbeldor, Dumbeldor!" Harry cried. "Voldemort's returned to power!" And with that, Gandy ran away with a strange yell, probably from madness of being exposed to such a sad and pathetic little wizard.

Hermione stopped being her and changed into the much uglier Emma Watson, and started making little flirty actions and Frobo.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! MY PREETTTTTTTTY BLUUUUEEEEEEE EEEEEEEYEEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!" Frobo yelled. "THEY'RE RUINNNNNNNEEEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GEEEEEEETTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEE HHHHHHEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLL AAAAAAAWWWWWWWAAAAYYYYYYY FFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRROOOOOOMMMMMMM MMMMMMMEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Emma had a fangirl swoon. "Ahhh!" She said dreamily. "Get the hell away from me!" And, seeing Frobo was in danger, Gandy smoted Emma to a world of devilry. He should have sent her to More and Less Door, but he sent her back to Hogwarts. Go figure.

"I must find pokers to poke out my eyes!" Frobo exclaimed. "My eyes, they are ruined from such ugliness!" And then he remembered the sight Ron and Harry, and started to puke, dunk his head in boiling water and have a bath in boiling bleach, until he was cleansed.

"Ahh!" He said, relaxing.

Now here we have Gandalf going off to near More and Less Door, seeing fire erupt. Seconds later, he is in some city, probabably Minor Tilith, looking up the diary of Isinthefloor. I'm sure he wouldn't be too happy about that. He'd have thought it was his little brother or something.

So after going so far in about five seconds, he returns to the Shower. Don't know how he does it, but its supposed to be about seventeen years after that he comes back and explains the rings. How mucked up are you, Peter Jackson?

So he comes back, and Frobo walks inside, and Gandy ambushes him.

"Is it secret, is it safe?"

"You never told me that."

"Sorry. But is it?" He asked.

"Oh, no. Gave it to some Black Rider guy who came by asking for it. Said it was his master's, and I don't mean to be rude, so I gave it to him." He said, and scampered down into a small chest with Gandy about to brand him with hot pokers. In fact, he was, with a giant red hot piece of steel aimed straight at Frobo's rear end.

"Oh, wait!" He called. "Here it is! I made a fake, and must have given it to the Rider. I'll have to give him the real one, then."

"Oh no you don't. I mean to talk to you about it." And so he threw it in the fire.

"What are you doing?" Frobo yelled in his ears. Gandy picked up the Thing with a pair of thongs. "Aren't you supposed to you tongs?" Frobo asked.

"OH, sorry." He said, and did it again. "Hold out your hand, Frobo." He said. "It's quite cool." He placed the Thing on Frobo's hand, but accidentally branded his hand with the tongs. "Whoops!" He exclaimed, and undid the burn.

"Can you see anything?" HE asked.

"Why ask me? You can see it just as well. Here, look! One Thing to bring them all and in the darkness do something that might either bring them together or bring them so far apart they circle the earth and end up back together so in either way they end up together!"

"That is the correct version. The film version is: One Thing to somehow show more control over the others to politically correctly have absolute power, One Thing to search to and locate either the corpse, spirit or rightful heir of the group who are aforementioned in clause nine section thirteen paragraph eight sentence two, One Thing to bring them all and in the darkness do something that might either bring them together or bring them so far apart they circle the earth and end up back together so in either way they end up together." He paused for a large breath. "This is the one Thing, forged by Sar-On himself."

"Well, we put it away. Never speak of it again. No one knows it's here, do they Gandy?"

"There was one who knew. I searched tirelessly for the creature Gollum. But the Enemy found him first. They tortured him for I don't know how long, but out of the babble they found to words: Shower, Bilburforce. I think that that was what they thought was babble before, so they kept on torturing him. Poor little bugger," He said Austin Powers style "I salute you!"

"So what do we do?"

"I must see the head of my order, Whitemember. He is both wise and powerful. Plus he's Dutch. How useful is that, eh?" He said.

"There are two people I can't stand: People who discriminate, and the Dutch!" Frobo exclaimed.

"Dutch hater!" Gandy said, and beheaded Frobo, but brought him back to life. "Don't EVER insult the Dutch. The writer is half Dutch and he controls the story! Show respect!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Frobo said, bowing and praying for forgiveness from me. I let him off easy this time, but he will pay...

(Insert that blasting music) I'm gonna get you Frobo Bilburforce! ******************************************************************** So, I posted the story this morning, and already three reviews. And it turns out that me is my friend Kevin. That's weird, I didn't suspect a bloody thing! (koffkoffkoffjosminekoffkoffifkoffkoffyourekoffkoffreadingkoffkoffthiskoffko ffkevinkoffkofflikeskoffkofflyoukoffkoff) Get ready fore more! (wondering what Whitemember's real name is?