More, more, more!!!! Hahaha! More glory for me, more laughs for the
readers, and the diehards would have checked every day! Muahahaha! And if
you really like it, please put it on favourites. The ego bunnies will be
very happy! Addicted, I hope you don't mind me using some quotes of that
BRILLIANTLY FUNNY story, say what?
**************************************************************************** *********
Frobo Bilburforce was in Hag End, with the Thing in his hand. Gandalf the Gay came back.
"Whoops!" He said. "Forgot something." And walked over to the window. "Get down!" He hissed. And he pulled out Samuelwise Gamgee. "Samuelwise Gamgee, I presume."
"I didn't hear nothin', sir, I ain't been droppin' no eaves, sir, honest, please, Mr. Frobo, don't let him turn me into anythin', unnatural!" He wailed. Out of his pockets dropped several eves.
"AHA! Eavesdropping you were!" He boomed. "With the Invisibility Cloak from Potter, I presume?" Frobo flinched at the name, and went off to take a swim in a pool full of acid.
"No, sir, honest, I haven't, I'm deadly afraid of that little Potter fellow, honest!" He wailed again.
"Don't worry, he's been sent to hell for practicing witchcraft. But there are ways he can return." He said softly . Frobo returned, with deep burns all over him.
"No, Samuelwise." Gandy said. "I've though of a better use for you." He said mischeviously, and next scene they are in the morning, from night, which is just dumb, like in Harry Potter, where Harry sits next to Hermione, and seconds later they are sitting across from each other. Honestly, can't these directors take a hint?
"Be careful, you two. The Enemy has many spies in his service. Birds, beasts. Like this pony, for example. He's a big character in the books, but not in the movie. They suspect something." He said, staring into Bob's eyes. Bob flinched. Lucky Bob.
He leaned down to Frobo, accidentally squashing him. "Never use it. The servants of the Enemy will be drawn to its power." And with that, he rode off on his horse, to Isengard. The horse, by the way, is named Shadowfax, though how a shadow can fax itself is beyond me.
And with an awkward stare from Samuelwise, who looks frighteningly like Ron, which is another reason why JK sucks, because she COPIED EVERYTHING FROM TOLKIEN!
They came to a corn field. "Well, this is it." Sam said.
"This is what?"
"If I don't say my line now, I don't have to look like a complete coward." He whined.
"Just say it." Frobo said.
"No!" Sam yelled.
"Do it!" He yelled, brandishing the Thing.
"Fine. If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest I've ever been from Mummy's reach." He said, looking over behind him, where his mother was being subdued by several illiterate apes. Also known as the people who either review and don't give a name, or give me crappy flames. Ugly they be, and dumb as well. "Bye, mum!" He called, chucking a stone at her, essentially killing her, and running off with Frobo.
Now they were heading along a Farmer's field, where in the book they stay the night, and the farmer helps them along to the Buckleberry Ferry, but that won't do with the movie. No, it has to be all dramatic. How mucked up are you?
So anyway, Merry and Pippin subdue them, give them some veggies, and run off.
"Argh, ya stooped kids!" Called Farmer Haggot.
"I don't see what he's so mad about." Said Pippin. "It was only some mushrooms... and cabbages... and carrots... and peas..., oh, no! I'm like a Senator (CANADIAN), but with food!"
"Yes, Pippin" Said Merry. "My point is, he's clearly overdosed on Reactin!"
"Trust a brandyaddict and a falcon." Sam whined. A large scythe was seen above them, and gave a wild swipe, killing everyone. But, because the Author is kinder than that to end a magnificent story here, and to punish Frobo for his RUDE remark about the Dutch, they all live somehow, and Farmer Maggot gets killed. So along goes the story, where they are hiding under the tree root, and the Black Rider comes up to them.
Actually, its just Anna Nicole Smith wearing black, but lets leave that there. So he's sniffing along, and catches a bad smell. "Whew!" He screeched. "That's turning the ol' right guard left."
So Frobo, not being bright, hopped out and subdued Anna Nicole in conversation.
"So anyways, you asked for a Thing, and I gave you a fake." He said. "So if we could just switch now, that would be very helpful, and we re-enact the scene like in the movie, would also be helpful." He babbled. So they did just that. After the scene was finished, Frobo noticed that this, here in his hand was the real one. He thought that this could be something gone unnoticed. He wondered where to go.
"Samuelwise, where are we to go?" He yelled.
"Not yet, Mr. Frobo. The other Riders, Regis Philbin, the Weakest link host, Alex Trebek and Bob Barker have to attack you in some way. And after that, we get Mike Bullard, David Letterman, Bill Crosby and Pamela Lee after us."
Merry got a serious look on his face. "Buckleberry Ferry. Follow me." He said, and tied the rest of the Habits up, and towed him off to the Ferry, and pushed off. Now, in the book, we go to the Forbidden Forest and meet Tom Bombadil, and there is a Weeping Willow, another reason to show the JK COPIED TOLKIEN by putting in the Whomping Willow. So stupid is she.
"Where to next?" Frobo asked. Sam was looking around.
"Umm..." He said, and saw a bee buzzing around. "B-" He said, and remembered the Rider. "R-" And remembered the most famous quote from Mini- me. "Ee. Bree."
So we head off straight to Bree, where they crowd in front of the door, trying to get away from the Wraiths. Tom Bombadil comes running up, but is ousted by a long pole. Those pole-vaulters have good timing. Lucky.
So this ugly, deformed dude opens a peep-hole, and says. "Habits! Four of 'em! Come in, there's talk of strange folk abroad!" He said. Obviously, his mind had been twisted from being alone.
And so they go into Bree, with tall, evil people inside. And to think there was strange folk abroad! How mucked up are you, Jackson?
So they go to the Prancing Pony, where Barliman Butterbur is. "Good evenin' little masters." He said, even though it was one in the morning. Weird. "If yore seeking accommodations, we've got some nice little hobbit sized rooms for you." He said in a very friendly voice. "Mr..."
"Underhill." He said. "My name's Underhill, not to be confused with that ugly person from Making the Band. We're friends of Gandalf the Gay, can you tell him we've arrived?"
"Gandalf?" He asked. Now, in the book, he was supposed to have a letter received from Gandalf which he was to send to the Shower, but he's very forgetful. By the way, Frobo was also supposed to move to another house. Very confusing. Most of you should know. For the rest: ugh.
"Oh, yes. I've not seen him for six months." He said, and the Habits were concerned. So they went off to eat and get drunk. Butterbur came by with the cheque. Looking at it, he shrieked and screamed, and the Thing found its way to the part of his body where it goes. Weird, aint it?" So after this, every starts staring at him. Even though he's not there. So he looks to his right, and sees the Eye of Sar-on, wreathed in flame. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out some eye drops and put it on.
"Thanks." Hissed the eye.
"Welcome." Frobo said. And then he remembered to take the Thing off. Everyone started staring at him, as if he had popped out of nowhere. Which he did.
Then, a hooded man, probably high on his pipeweed, came and brought him to an upstairs room.
"Who are you, and what do you want?" Frobo asked.
"A little more caution from you. You carry?"
"I carry nothing." Frobo replied.
"Sure you don't." Striper hissed. "Are you frightened?"
"Yes. But why would you ask that?"
"I know what haunts you, I have seen them." He hissed. He drew his sword as some noises came from the door. The three other hobbits came in with measely weapons. He put his sword away. "You have stout hearts for Habits. But that will not help you now."
He pinched some candles. "Ow! Ow! The pain, it burns!" He bawled. "Mommy! It burns!"
"Wuss." Frobo said.
"Shutup!" Striper called back. He got up. "Now, you guys fall asleep in here, while Anna Nicole and her friends show up and try to kill you."
"All right." Frobo said. And the scene went smoothly. Flash scene into a forest.
"Where are you taking us?"
"Into the wild. Actually, we're supposed to save time now, even though Peter Jackson wastes enough time with close-ups of Frobo's eyes, and shots of him holding the Thing, but it takes a lot longer in the book, so he just wanted to skip the whole thing. Lame-ass." Striper said.
The four Habits were sitting down, preparing some breakfast. "Gentlemen." Striper said. "We do not rest until nightfall."
"But I'm hungry!" Pippin whined. "I want breakfast!"
"You've already had it." Striper said.
"We've had one breakfast, yes. But what about second breakfast?" He whined.
"We eat only three meals a day." Striper said.
"But what about elevenses, he knows about that right?"
"I don't think so, Pip." Merry said.
"What about luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about those, doesn't he?"
"I wouldn't count on it." Merry said. Just then, an apple came whipping at him with the speed of a bullet, and knocked him out cold. Another one came along and Pippin caught it.
"Ew!" He exclaimed. "Disease!" He said, stroking one finger with the other. They all left Merry behind. But he regained consciousness, and joined up.
They came to a tall hill with remains of an old building which looked like a crown on it. "This is the old watchtower of Amon Sun. (spelling?) We shall rest here tonight." And walked up and lay down in the dark, deep cold, and fell soundly asleep. They are strange, Rangers. Holding to his name, he left gigantic stripes where he slept.
Our tale leaves the Habits and joins Gandy.
He rides on his horse to Isengard. Whitemember makes his fancy speech. "Fire spews from the mountain of ash, the hour grows late, and Gandalf the Gay rides to Isengard, seeking my council. For that is why you have come, is it not? My old friend.
Gandy bowed low. "Joot de Bries." He said reverently. And so they walked in the garden of Life and Death. Life on the right, Death on the left. Life took the shape of an angel, death a devil. They glared at each other.
"So the Thing of Power is found?" Whitemember asked.
"Beyond any doubt." Gandy said. "All these long years it was in the Shower. Under my very nose, in fact."
"Your love of the habits grows thick." Whitemember said. "And my beard is longer than you beard!"
Gandy pouted at this, just when Harry Potter and his friends came around.
"Hey, who's he?" Harry asked. "He looks more like Dumbeldor. This is very confusing."
Again, Emma had a fangirl swoon and made flirty actions at Whitemember. His eyes went wide with shock. "Kill them!" He shouted.
"Gladly!" Gandalf said. "Well, lets just submit them to Sar-On. More painful that way." He said, and banished them once more.
"I mean to speak to you about Sar-On. Follow me." Whitemember said.
The entered a round room. "The Polenta is a dangerous food, Whitemember." Gandy said. "They are not all accounted for, the lost Seeing Dishes. We should not eat it."
"Why?" Whitemember asked. "Why should we, the Iraqis, fear to eat it?"
"There is still time left, Whitemember." Gandy said.
"What time? The Nine have left Minas Mogul. They crossed the river Isen on Midsummer's Eve. They will find the Thing, and kill the one who carries it."
"Frobo!" Gandy exclaimed, and headed for the door. Whitemember gave it the 'look' and it shut. He did this with all the other doors.
"Did you seriously think a Habit can contend with that thing of Sar-On? There are none who can. It would be wise to join him, friend."
"Tell me, friend." Gandy said, trying to find something that would annoy Whitemember. They aren't too good at insults, either. "When did Joot de Bries, the Wise, abandon treason for sanity?" At this, Whitemember got so enraged, he flopped Gandy on the floor and spun him around like that breakdancing move. Whatever it is.
"You could have assisted my freely. You have elected the way of ..." Now here we go with the Dr. Evil style talking, "pain!" And put his pinky to his lip like Dr. Evil. Next, they have this really cool fight scene, but Whitemember gets the better of him, and sends him flying up like the opposite of Star Wars scenes where people fall down long, fiery chasms. Lucky.
So Whitemember scours the trees, with the help of Sar-On's servants, Olsen Twin Clones. He has now crossed them with fitness freaks and created... Richard Simmons! (Dun Dun Dun!)
Tune in next time. Will the Habits and Striper make it to Rivendell, or will the mindless, stupid tv stars get in the way. And will Gandy escape? Who knows... Well, I do. I mean, I'm writing the book, so it fits that I might know before you?
**************************************************************************** *********
Frobo Bilburforce was in Hag End, with the Thing in his hand. Gandalf the Gay came back.
"Whoops!" He said. "Forgot something." And walked over to the window. "Get down!" He hissed. And he pulled out Samuelwise Gamgee. "Samuelwise Gamgee, I presume."
"I didn't hear nothin', sir, I ain't been droppin' no eaves, sir, honest, please, Mr. Frobo, don't let him turn me into anythin', unnatural!" He wailed. Out of his pockets dropped several eves.
"AHA! Eavesdropping you were!" He boomed. "With the Invisibility Cloak from Potter, I presume?" Frobo flinched at the name, and went off to take a swim in a pool full of acid.
"No, sir, honest, I haven't, I'm deadly afraid of that little Potter fellow, honest!" He wailed again.
"Don't worry, he's been sent to hell for practicing witchcraft. But there are ways he can return." He said softly . Frobo returned, with deep burns all over him.
"No, Samuelwise." Gandy said. "I've though of a better use for you." He said mischeviously, and next scene they are in the morning, from night, which is just dumb, like in Harry Potter, where Harry sits next to Hermione, and seconds later they are sitting across from each other. Honestly, can't these directors take a hint?
"Be careful, you two. The Enemy has many spies in his service. Birds, beasts. Like this pony, for example. He's a big character in the books, but not in the movie. They suspect something." He said, staring into Bob's eyes. Bob flinched. Lucky Bob.
He leaned down to Frobo, accidentally squashing him. "Never use it. The servants of the Enemy will be drawn to its power." And with that, he rode off on his horse, to Isengard. The horse, by the way, is named Shadowfax, though how a shadow can fax itself is beyond me.
And with an awkward stare from Samuelwise, who looks frighteningly like Ron, which is another reason why JK sucks, because she COPIED EVERYTHING FROM TOLKIEN!
They came to a corn field. "Well, this is it." Sam said.
"This is what?"
"If I don't say my line now, I don't have to look like a complete coward." He whined.
"Just say it." Frobo said.
"No!" Sam yelled.
"Do it!" He yelled, brandishing the Thing.
"Fine. If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest I've ever been from Mummy's reach." He said, looking over behind him, where his mother was being subdued by several illiterate apes. Also known as the people who either review and don't give a name, or give me crappy flames. Ugly they be, and dumb as well. "Bye, mum!" He called, chucking a stone at her, essentially killing her, and running off with Frobo.
Now they were heading along a Farmer's field, where in the book they stay the night, and the farmer helps them along to the Buckleberry Ferry, but that won't do with the movie. No, it has to be all dramatic. How mucked up are you?
So anyway, Merry and Pippin subdue them, give them some veggies, and run off.
"Argh, ya stooped kids!" Called Farmer Haggot.
"I don't see what he's so mad about." Said Pippin. "It was only some mushrooms... and cabbages... and carrots... and peas..., oh, no! I'm like a Senator (CANADIAN), but with food!"
"Yes, Pippin" Said Merry. "My point is, he's clearly overdosed on Reactin!"
"Trust a brandyaddict and a falcon." Sam whined. A large scythe was seen above them, and gave a wild swipe, killing everyone. But, because the Author is kinder than that to end a magnificent story here, and to punish Frobo for his RUDE remark about the Dutch, they all live somehow, and Farmer Maggot gets killed. So along goes the story, where they are hiding under the tree root, and the Black Rider comes up to them.
Actually, its just Anna Nicole Smith wearing black, but lets leave that there. So he's sniffing along, and catches a bad smell. "Whew!" He screeched. "That's turning the ol' right guard left."
So Frobo, not being bright, hopped out and subdued Anna Nicole in conversation.
"So anyways, you asked for a Thing, and I gave you a fake." He said. "So if we could just switch now, that would be very helpful, and we re-enact the scene like in the movie, would also be helpful." He babbled. So they did just that. After the scene was finished, Frobo noticed that this, here in his hand was the real one. He thought that this could be something gone unnoticed. He wondered where to go.
"Samuelwise, where are we to go?" He yelled.
"Not yet, Mr. Frobo. The other Riders, Regis Philbin, the Weakest link host, Alex Trebek and Bob Barker have to attack you in some way. And after that, we get Mike Bullard, David Letterman, Bill Crosby and Pamela Lee after us."
Merry got a serious look on his face. "Buckleberry Ferry. Follow me." He said, and tied the rest of the Habits up, and towed him off to the Ferry, and pushed off. Now, in the book, we go to the Forbidden Forest and meet Tom Bombadil, and there is a Weeping Willow, another reason to show the JK COPIED TOLKIEN by putting in the Whomping Willow. So stupid is she.
"Where to next?" Frobo asked. Sam was looking around.
"Umm..." He said, and saw a bee buzzing around. "B-" He said, and remembered the Rider. "R-" And remembered the most famous quote from Mini- me. "Ee. Bree."
So we head off straight to Bree, where they crowd in front of the door, trying to get away from the Wraiths. Tom Bombadil comes running up, but is ousted by a long pole. Those pole-vaulters have good timing. Lucky.
So this ugly, deformed dude opens a peep-hole, and says. "Habits! Four of 'em! Come in, there's talk of strange folk abroad!" He said. Obviously, his mind had been twisted from being alone.
And so they go into Bree, with tall, evil people inside. And to think there was strange folk abroad! How mucked up are you, Jackson?
So they go to the Prancing Pony, where Barliman Butterbur is. "Good evenin' little masters." He said, even though it was one in the morning. Weird. "If yore seeking accommodations, we've got some nice little hobbit sized rooms for you." He said in a very friendly voice. "Mr..."
"Underhill." He said. "My name's Underhill, not to be confused with that ugly person from Making the Band. We're friends of Gandalf the Gay, can you tell him we've arrived?"
"Gandalf?" He asked. Now, in the book, he was supposed to have a letter received from Gandalf which he was to send to the Shower, but he's very forgetful. By the way, Frobo was also supposed to move to another house. Very confusing. Most of you should know. For the rest: ugh.
"Oh, yes. I've not seen him for six months." He said, and the Habits were concerned. So they went off to eat and get drunk. Butterbur came by with the cheque. Looking at it, he shrieked and screamed, and the Thing found its way to the part of his body where it goes. Weird, aint it?" So after this, every starts staring at him. Even though he's not there. So he looks to his right, and sees the Eye of Sar-on, wreathed in flame. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out some eye drops and put it on.
"Thanks." Hissed the eye.
"Welcome." Frobo said. And then he remembered to take the Thing off. Everyone started staring at him, as if he had popped out of nowhere. Which he did.
Then, a hooded man, probably high on his pipeweed, came and brought him to an upstairs room.
"Who are you, and what do you want?" Frobo asked.
"A little more caution from you. You carry?"
"I carry nothing." Frobo replied.
"Sure you don't." Striper hissed. "Are you frightened?"
"Yes. But why would you ask that?"
"I know what haunts you, I have seen them." He hissed. He drew his sword as some noises came from the door. The three other hobbits came in with measely weapons. He put his sword away. "You have stout hearts for Habits. But that will not help you now."
He pinched some candles. "Ow! Ow! The pain, it burns!" He bawled. "Mommy! It burns!"
"Wuss." Frobo said.
"Shutup!" Striper called back. He got up. "Now, you guys fall asleep in here, while Anna Nicole and her friends show up and try to kill you."
"All right." Frobo said. And the scene went smoothly. Flash scene into a forest.
"Where are you taking us?"
"Into the wild. Actually, we're supposed to save time now, even though Peter Jackson wastes enough time with close-ups of Frobo's eyes, and shots of him holding the Thing, but it takes a lot longer in the book, so he just wanted to skip the whole thing. Lame-ass." Striper said.
The four Habits were sitting down, preparing some breakfast. "Gentlemen." Striper said. "We do not rest until nightfall."
"But I'm hungry!" Pippin whined. "I want breakfast!"
"You've already had it." Striper said.
"We've had one breakfast, yes. But what about second breakfast?" He whined.
"We eat only three meals a day." Striper said.
"But what about elevenses, he knows about that right?"
"I don't think so, Pip." Merry said.
"What about luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about those, doesn't he?"
"I wouldn't count on it." Merry said. Just then, an apple came whipping at him with the speed of a bullet, and knocked him out cold. Another one came along and Pippin caught it.
"Ew!" He exclaimed. "Disease!" He said, stroking one finger with the other. They all left Merry behind. But he regained consciousness, and joined up.
They came to a tall hill with remains of an old building which looked like a crown on it. "This is the old watchtower of Amon Sun. (spelling?) We shall rest here tonight." And walked up and lay down in the dark, deep cold, and fell soundly asleep. They are strange, Rangers. Holding to his name, he left gigantic stripes where he slept.
Our tale leaves the Habits and joins Gandy.
He rides on his horse to Isengard. Whitemember makes his fancy speech. "Fire spews from the mountain of ash, the hour grows late, and Gandalf the Gay rides to Isengard, seeking my council. For that is why you have come, is it not? My old friend.
Gandy bowed low. "Joot de Bries." He said reverently. And so they walked in the garden of Life and Death. Life on the right, Death on the left. Life took the shape of an angel, death a devil. They glared at each other.
"So the Thing of Power is found?" Whitemember asked.
"Beyond any doubt." Gandy said. "All these long years it was in the Shower. Under my very nose, in fact."
"Your love of the habits grows thick." Whitemember said. "And my beard is longer than you beard!"
Gandy pouted at this, just when Harry Potter and his friends came around.
"Hey, who's he?" Harry asked. "He looks more like Dumbeldor. This is very confusing."
Again, Emma had a fangirl swoon and made flirty actions at Whitemember. His eyes went wide with shock. "Kill them!" He shouted.
"Gladly!" Gandalf said. "Well, lets just submit them to Sar-On. More painful that way." He said, and banished them once more.
"I mean to speak to you about Sar-On. Follow me." Whitemember said.
The entered a round room. "The Polenta is a dangerous food, Whitemember." Gandy said. "They are not all accounted for, the lost Seeing Dishes. We should not eat it."
"Why?" Whitemember asked. "Why should we, the Iraqis, fear to eat it?"
"There is still time left, Whitemember." Gandy said.
"What time? The Nine have left Minas Mogul. They crossed the river Isen on Midsummer's Eve. They will find the Thing, and kill the one who carries it."
"Frobo!" Gandy exclaimed, and headed for the door. Whitemember gave it the 'look' and it shut. He did this with all the other doors.
"Did you seriously think a Habit can contend with that thing of Sar-On? There are none who can. It would be wise to join him, friend."
"Tell me, friend." Gandy said, trying to find something that would annoy Whitemember. They aren't too good at insults, either. "When did Joot de Bries, the Wise, abandon treason for sanity?" At this, Whitemember got so enraged, he flopped Gandy on the floor and spun him around like that breakdancing move. Whatever it is.
"You could have assisted my freely. You have elected the way of ..." Now here we go with the Dr. Evil style talking, "pain!" And put his pinky to his lip like Dr. Evil. Next, they have this really cool fight scene, but Whitemember gets the better of him, and sends him flying up like the opposite of Star Wars scenes where people fall down long, fiery chasms. Lucky.
So Whitemember scours the trees, with the help of Sar-On's servants, Olsen Twin Clones. He has now crossed them with fitness freaks and created... Richard Simmons! (Dun Dun Dun!)
Tune in next time. Will the Habits and Striper make it to Rivendell, or will the mindless, stupid tv stars get in the way. And will Gandy escape? Who knows... Well, I do. I mean, I'm writing the book, so it fits that I might know before you?
