EVA Gear Solid 1.5
Chapter 4 Part 1: And he said, "Milk. It does the body good!"
Disclaimer: I wish I did own Evangelion… then I could make Asuka and Rei do whatever I want them too… Heheh… But, alas, I do not own Evangelion, so I can't. Oh yeah, I don't own Metal Gear Solid either. If I did, I'd have a whole lot of crap like SOCOMs and Nikitas and C4s to blow other crap up with.
A bit of cigarette smoke hung in the air of a dimly lit room, filled with cardboard moving boxes. A figure sat on one of the boxes, slowly smoking a cigarette. A bunch of test papers sat neatly on another one of the boxes, waiting to be graded. The figure spoke in a quiet yet gruff voice, putting out the cigarette in an ashtray. "How did I get myself into this… and how am I gonna get back home?"
At 11:00 at night, Asuka and Shinji sat at the kitchen table, furiously scribbling on sheets of paper. Finally, when the last scribbles were scribbled on the last of the scribble-filled paper, Shinji fell back into his chair, his hand limp from scribbling so fast. Asuka put her arms on the table, using them as a makeshift pillow for her head. Both children were panting.
"Geez… I can't even remember when we got this much homework…" wheezed Shinji.
"I can't remember when we had homework period! Damn that replacement teacher!" said Asuka in reply.
Shinji's thoughts faded back to Mr. Pliskin. "Iroquois Pliskin… Solid Snake… presumed dead, but here he is, teaching my class… what the hell is going on here…"
Asuka looked up wearily. "You say somethin'?"
"Nah… nothing."
The next day…
Shinji, as well as the rest of the class looked half-dead. Most of the students had been up to the odd hours of the night finishing the homework assigned by Mr. Pliskin the day before. Some students had opted not to do it. In turn, Pliskin gave each of them one week of in-school suspension. This alone had spurred what was left of the class to stay awake for the gruff American's grueling lessons. Finally, the lunch bell rang, and the 2-A students shuffled resignedly out the door to the schoolyard. Kensuke, Touji, and Shinji had their lunches underneath one of the trees in the schoolyard, relaxing in its shade. Touji had been filled in about the deal with Iroquois Pliskin/Solid Snake a couple nights ago.
"We need to do something about Snake…" said Touji.
"I agree. What with all the homework he's giving us, I just don't have the energy to hack into top-secret government databases anymore…" said Kensuke.
Shinji turned to look at the two boys.
"Don't you think we should get more people into this? If just the three of us confront him, who knows what'll happen."
"I agree. There is strength in numbers. Tell you what. Shinji, Touji, my dad isn't going to be home for a while, because he's on a business trip to America. That means I have my house all to myself. Why don't we go ask some of the people if they want to come over, and then we can formulate a plan of approach? Oh, and Shinji, try to avoid the women-folk. If they find out about-"
"Find out what, Mr. Aida?"
"Shut up Rei!! They'll hear!!"
*CRRRRACK*
There was a rustling noise above them, and when they looked up, three people fell gracefully out of the tree, along with a branch. It was quite humorous how they landed, though. Hikari was caught perfectly by Touji, and thus avoided a bruise. Shinji was knocked down and Asuka seemed to land straddling his torso, thus effectively pinning him to the ground. However, Rei was not so lucky. There was a loud thud, and when the other four children looked over, a ridiculous sight met their eyes. Rei had seemed to fall in an awkward position, and landed directly on top of Kensuke. The boy's head somehow found its way right in between Rei's breasts, as Rei fell directly on top of the poor boy. Kensuke exhaled, and his warm breath caused shivers to race all over the blue-haired girl's body. Touji howled in laughter. "All right Kensuke! I never knew you had it in you!!" Just then, a shadow loomed over the group. Slowly, the six heads turned to face the cause of the ominous shadow. Silhouetted against the sky, the seemingly towering form of Mr. Pliskin denied them the light of the sun. He looked over the group with a half-amused, half-suspicious eye.
"What in god's name is going on here?"
His voice was low, and rumbled like an earthquake. Instinctively, the six children held their breath. Touji was the first to gather his wits and start talking. "Well, you s-s-see sir, it was a-an accident… W-we didn't know that the girls were in this t-tree… so when they j-jumped down, this happened."
Pliskin spotted the fallen tree branch.
"If they jumped down, then how did this happen?"
"Ahhh… w-well, ummm…"
Just then, the corners of Pliskin's mouth curled up in a slight smile.
"Tell you what. I'll give the six of you the benefit of the doubt, and say that this was an accident. Just don't let me find you in such compromising positions again, understand?"
The six children quickly nodded. With that, Pliskin turned on his heel and walked away, his bandanna blowing in the wind. The children released the breath of air they were holding. Rei quickly stood up, smoothing out the wrinkles in her school uniform. Her cheeks were as red as her eyes. Kensuke just stared blankly at the ground in disbelief and embarrassment.
"I am sorry Mr. Aida. It will not happen again." Rei gave a hasty apology. Asuka looked down at Shinji. Shinji looked up at Asuka. Asuka punched Shinji square in the chest, knocking the air out of him, before getting up and dusting herself off.
{Authors note: WARNING! SAPPY ROMANCE SCENE AHEAD!}
Hikari, who was still in the arms of Touji, looked up into his eyes, before linking her arms around his neck and kissing him on the cheek. From the spot that she kissed him, red warmth spread throughout his whole face. "Thanks, Mr. Suzahara."
"Aaaahhh… you're welcome, class rep."
"Please, call me Hikari."
"You can call me Touji, too."
Touji smiled warmly.
Suddenly, the sappy romance scene was interrupted by Asuka's sappy-romance scene-crushing voice.
"Alright, stooge, what were you talking about just then?"
Shinji's eyes widened as he instinctively began to curl up like a porcupine. Asuka stomped over, hauled him up by his collar, and reared her free hand-turned-fist back. "Tell me everything or you get a fat lip and a blind eye, Third child!"
"Okay! I'll tell you! Just don't hurt me…"
Kensuke finally snapped out of his blank stare just in time to intervene for Shinji. "Wait, Asuka. We shouldn't talk about it here… there are too many people."
The five other kids looked around, and to their dismay, found themselves surrounded by 90% of the school's student body. Leaning over, he whispered, "Wait till we get back to class. I'll tell you guys where we'll meet and when using the laptops." The other girls nodded.
Back in class…
The room was silent, save for the tapping of the computer keys as the class worked on their assignment. Kensuke opened a private chat area on his computer and got the other five children in. Kensuke began typing to the other five.
"My house. 4:30 p.m., on the dot. Adults prohibited. The passwords are 'Solid Pliskin Snake', in that order. Be there or be square, no questions asked. Understood?"
The glasses-wielding boy got five 'OK' responses. Little did he know that Mr. Pliskin himself was monitoring his conversation. Suddenly, on the six children's computers, a message came up. "Using school laptops for messaging during class time is prohibited. I suggest you reschedule your meeting for 5:00, Mr. Aida, because the six of you are assigned detention for today." Out of nowhere, six groans pierced the silence of the classroom.
Unknown to any of them, Pliskin spoke quietly to himself…
"They're on to me… damn."
Later that day… after detention…
Touji walked up to Kensuke's house, ringing the doorbell.
"Password?"
"Kensuke, its me, Touji. Lemme in!"
"Password?"
"Open the door, dammit! It's hot out here, and I have to use the bathroom really bad!"
"Password?"
"RRRAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!"
Touji screamed as he charged forward with amazing power. The door was consequentially knocked not only off its hinges, but on top of a surprised Kensuke as well. With that, Touji made a beeline straight to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him as he went. A long suppressed sigh of relief was heard. Meanwhile, Shinji was busy trying to lift the demolished door off of an equally demolished Kensuke. Asuka and Hikari giggled uncontrollably. Rei spoke in her quiet monotone voice.
"I believe 'biological speedbump' is the term to be used at a time like this?"
Kensuke wearily un-plastered his face and body off the door, groaning slightly. Rei spoke again in her quiet monotone voice. "I will go get some ice for the bruise." Kensuke nodded, then got up with a strange look on his face. "What the heck is this? I've got a serious craving for chocolate milk…?" And with that, followed Rei into the kitchen.
(Author's note: Thanks to Bad Ronald and Toni-sama for the inspiration for this scene. You hentai sons-of-guns you!!)
Kensuke's kitchen was fairly small, seeing as how his was a house built for two people. Rei was silently putting ice from the ice tray onto a washcloth. Kensuke reached into the fridge, grabbing a carton of milk and a bottle of chocolate syrup. He poured some milk into a glass, but when he went to pour the chocolate syrup, he found that the squirt-top wasn't letting any out. There was a clog, so Kensuke unscrewed the cap, pouring some into the glass, and stirring with the spoon. Taking a sip from the glass, he turned to walk away. However, this would prove to have deadly consequences. For unknown to either of them, a lone, solitary piece of ice lay on the ground, right were Kensuke's next footfall was about to land. What happened next happened hard and fast. Kensuke slipped on the piece of ice, causing him to stumble backward. The chocolate milk, thrown from the glass, got all over Rei's skirt. The glasses-equipped boy cried out, his hands flailing wildly for something to grab on to. In his wild flailing, he succeeded in not only knocking Rei off-balance, but in knocking over the milk carton as well; the milk spilling all over the front of the boy's pants. A substantial portion also spilled onto Rei's face and blouse. The two hit the ground with a dull *thud*, and in an extremely erotic position, at that. Kensuke landed on top, holding himself up with his hands. His head was right above Rei's soaked skirt. Rei subsequently landed with Kensuke's crotch directly a few inches above her head. She noted that his fly was unzipped. A few drops of milk dripped onto her face. They heard Shinji speaking from the den. The two children froze, holding their breath.
"Did you hear a dull *thud* noise just now?"
"Hmmm… nope. Can't say I did."
Just then, as if to add insult to injury, the coverless chocolate syrup bottle fell off the counter. Kensuke looked up just in time to see the bottle's contents spill onto his face, the bottle itself hitting him on the head, and seemingly (defying the laws of physics) landing underneath Rei's skirt. The breath he was holding let itself out.
"Ow!"
Shinji spoke from the den again.
"Okay, I know you heard it that time!"
"What's going on in there?"
"Lets check it out."
Kensuke could only freeze in horror, hearing the footfalls of the three alerted children become louder and louder as they neared. Finally, three pairs of feet came into Kensuke's chocolate syrup-smeared view.
"AAHH!! Umm… This really isn't what it seems!"
"Mr. Aida is correct. This is decidedly not what it seems."
This was quite hard for the other four children to believe, seeing as how Kensuke's face was nearly covered in chocolate syrup, and more chocolate syrup leaked out from the bottle underneath Rei's skirt. But the others didn't know that. Hikari spoke, nearly in a whisper.
"Umm… Kinky…?"
Shinji had seemingly disappeared all of a sudden. Kensuke hastily got himself up, for the second time that day. Turning around, he offered a hand in helping Rei up. She accepted, and the now-empty bottle of chocolate syrup fell out from underneath her skirt. Asuka picked it up and waved it in Kensuke's face. "Not how it seems, huh? Then how'd this get there? And what about you, Wondergirl? How is it that the front of four-eyes' pants are covered in a white fluid, and yet your face is as well? You must have done some real wonders to glasses-boy here for that!"
As suddenly as he disappeared, Shinji reappeared with a familiar little grey video camera in hand. He pointed it at the two.
And he said, "Milk. It does the body good!"
Him, Asuka, and Hikari erupted in laughter. Kensuke and Rei could just look at the ground and blush redder than Asuka's plug suit.
Thirty minutes later, after the mess was cleaned up, Touji had finally come out of the bathroom, Asuka and Hikari had finally finished giggling, and Hikari explained to Touji what happened, not necessarily in that order. Actually, Touji had gotten out of the bathroom, then the two girls stopped giggling, and THEN Hikari explained the unintentionally sexual encounter. Waitaminnit. I seem to be repeating myself. Chalk it up to old age, even though I'm only 15. Rei had been silent throughout the whole thing. Kensuke saw Touji enter the room.
"Jeez, Touji, you sure took long enough in the bathroom. You shouldn't drink so much soda."
Touji just looked meekly at the ground. "Well, as my great-uncle J. Sasaki once said, 'When you gotta go, you gotta go.'"
Kensuke had set up a TV connected to his computer in the den, and turned it on. "Okay, ladies and gents, here's the deal. There is something fishy about our current teacher, Mr. quote-unquote 'Iroquois Pliskin'. After hacking into some top secret U.S. Government files, I managed to come across this picture." Kensuke pressed a key and a slightly blurry photo of a man in a grey and black body armor came up. Asuka squinted slightly. "I can't make out who that guy is! Focus the picture, baka." Kensuke narrowed his eyes as he pressed two other keys on the keyboard, making the picture zoom in on the face. It then slowly clarified the photo. Hikari gasped.
"My god! He's… he's…"
"He is the intruder." said Rei.
"And our teacher!" said Asuka.
Kensuke spoke up again.
"And he's Solid Snake, a government operative who was well known among his superiors and subordinates as Metal Gear's bane."
Touji raised his hand. "What's a Metal Gear?"
Kensuke pushed his glasses up his nose, grinning. "Metal Gear. A bipedal nuclear-capable battle tank, capable of launching short-range as well as ballistic missiles. It was a top-secret government project masked to the public. However, some terrorists got a hold of it, and basically held the biggest intercontinental stick-up ever. They sent in Solid Snake alone, and he succeeded in infiltrating the enemy's fortress, stopping the terrorists, and destroying Metal Gear. However, it was said that he was killed back around 2003 or 2004. There were accusations that he sank an oil tanker in the lower New York Harbor and ended up going down with the ship."
Asuka stood up. "But if he's dead, then how can he be here, much less alive!?"
Shinji shook his head. "We don't know, Asuka. But, we're planning to confront him about it to get some answers as to what is going on."
Asuka burst out. "Are you that much of an idiot!? You said it yourself! He's got a gun! What if we're not supposed to find out, and then he has to get rid of us!?"
Shinji closed his eyes and reached into his coat pocket, feeling for something. "You're right, Asuka, he does have a gun. However…"
He pulled out Misato's spare 9mm pistol, complete with suppressor, and held it flat in the palm of his hand.
"So do we."
EVA Gear Solid 1.5
Chapter 4 Part 2: Confrontations
The classes went as they normally did since Pliskin showed up. They were filled with the furious typing of class notes, bloodshot eyes due to lack of sleep, and two-ton bookbags, made heavy due to the nearly inhumane amounts of homework dumped on them each day. However, Shinji was wide-awake. And quite fidgety, at that. In the event that Pliskin attempted to pull a fast one, it was up to him to either incapacitate him, immobilize him, or eliminate him altogether. Not that a shoot-to-kill subterfuge was anything new to the Evangelion pilot, but this time, he was in person, not in an entry plug. All damage inflicted to him would not just be felt, but seen in real life. It was a great burden for the young boy, indeed. Finally the moment came. Rei, Asuka, Shinji, Touji, Hikari, and Kensuke were all gathered around the door. Shinji fingered his pocket restlessly. Kensuke looked around to check for people.
"Alright people, it all comes down to this. Touji, you block the door. Nobody gets in. Shinji, you're behind me. When I give you the signal, get the gun out and stick him up for all your worth, got it? The signal is when I run my hand through my hair. Remember, only when I give you the signal. Asuka, Rei, Hikari, you stay behind Shinji."
Asuka pouted. "How come I can't be the one with the gun!? I've got better aim, anyway!"
Kensuke turned to face her. "Shinji gets the gun because this mission was originally only for Touji, me, and Shinji. Just be glad that you get to hear what we get to her, m'kay? Good."
With that, he turned to face the door. "Lets do this…"
He turned the door handle and opened it with a jolt. The five kids rushed in, stopping at Pliskin's desk. Pliskin looked up from the newspaper he was reading. "Can I help you?"
"Yes you can, as a matter of fact. Tell me where you're from, Mr. Pliskin. Or should I call you… Solid Snake?"
"!!" Pliskin's eyes widened at the mention of his old codename.
Kensuke ran a hand through his hair. Shinji drew the 9mm and aimed at Pliskin. The bandanna-wielding man saw the gun, and relaxed in his chair. A knife could cut the tension in the air. (Author's Note: Dude! That rhymes! SCHWEET!!)
"You will tell us what you know."
"Bringing a gun to school… those are grounds for expulsion."
"Quiet. You're Solid Snake, are you not? Weren't you killed back in 2004?"
Snake stared into the eyes of Shinji. The boy's hands were shaking. "Is this the first time you've pointed a gun at a person, Ikari?"
Shinji frowned. "Watch it…"
Snake's eyes narrowed. "Your hands are shaking worse than an unbalanced washing machine. This is the first time you've held a gun in real life, isn't it?"
Shinji leveled the gun at Snake's head, though his aim was horrible due to his nervous hands. "I'll shoot you if you force me to!"
The corners of Snake's mouth curved up in a sly grin. "Go ahead. Pull the trigger. I dare you to. That is, if your man enough to do it."
In an instant, a fire lit up in Shinji's eyes. He aimed the 9mm at the man's arm and, shutting his eyes tight, squeezed the trigger.
……
"Hey!?"
The gun did not fire. For some reason, the trigger wouldn't move.
"Try taking the safety off first."
Shinji just mumbled something to himself as he disengaged the safety and leveled the gun at Snake's arm again. His finger tightened on the trigger…
……
*click*
WHAT!?
Shinji's eyes snapped wide open, and all the kids, even Rei, stared horrified at the pistol in Shinji's hand. It was out of ammunition. Shinji pulled back the slide, only to have his fears reaffirmed.
There were no bullets.
The bullet clip was full of empty air.
Asuka nearly screamed. "Leave it to a complete idiot like you to bring an EMPTY GUN!!!"
A low, rumbling laugh filled the room as the empty clip fell to the ground with a clank. "I knew. I could tell that it was out of ammo. Fortunately, you didn't have the sense to check it before you came. I guess my secret is out…"
Snake stood up ominously, taking the gun from Shinji's violently shaking hands. Fear gripped the five children with an iron fist. Hikari broke the silence.
"TOUJIIIIII!!!"
Like a whirlwind, Touji burst in through the door, landing a left hook on Snake's jaw; Snake stumbled back, but regained his balance. The defiant young boy stood in front of the group, his hand holding Hikari's.
"You'll have to get through me first!" shouted Touji.
Snake rubbed his sore jaw, looking at the ragtag group of children before him.
"Listen, I wasn't going to hurt any of you. I was simply going to take the handgun and report it to security. But… I guess you already figured out who I am."
Kensuke spoke up.
"How did you get here? All the reports said you were assumed dead!"
"I don't know… all I know is that I'm not from this time…"
Silence filled the room.
"All I remember is that I was in New York, 52nd street. I was at the apartment of a friend of mine, when suddenly, there was a lightning flash, a boom, and I ended up here. I mean, literally. I was dressed in my sneaking suit, armed with this…" Snake pulled out a pistol from his desk drawer. "Looks like some kind of a converted M9 Beretta. It only shoots tranquilizer rounds. I had some other equipment with me too."
From there, Snake told the six children of how he formulated his fake identity, rented a small house, and got a job at the school.
"And that's what happened. I don't know what to do now, but I need to find a way back. And a teacher's salary won't be able to hold up the bills for long, either."
Kensuke thought for a second, and then said, "You can stay with me, Snake. At least until we can find out how to get you back to your time."
"You sure about this, kid?"
"Don't worry. My dad's out of town for the next few months, so I've got the house all to myself!"
Snake nodded, then turned to Shinji.
"You know, I was planning to tranquilize you and stash you in a broom closet, but since you had the guts to confront me like you did, I decided to tell you."
Shinji just grinned.
However… unknown to any of the people in the classroom, a mysterious figure watches from a tree, armed with a pair of binoculars and a directional microphone. The figure muttered in a slight Russian accent. "Snake…!"
Things are starting to develop! Will Snake ever find his way back to his present? Will we see Touji and Hikari going out anytime soon? Will we see more embarrassing slips, trips, and falls out of Kensuke and Rei? Will the identity of the mysterious Russian man be revealed?
Find out next time, on EVA Gear Solid 1.5 Chapter 5!!!
By the way, just to clear up some questions, the reason why Snake becomes a teacher is because it's the only open job opportunity around, seeing as how he put the other guy out of commission for a while. And, he DOESN'T take it in stride. He just gives them tons of work to do, for two reasons.
To keep the kids out of his hair. The kids will hate him for giving all the work, so they'll most likely leave him alone.See? It all works out perfectly.
Man… Got Milk? Rei does. You can thank Toni-sama for that little bit of extreme, near-NC-17 perversity.
Till I write next chapter…
It is a law of EVA physics that whenever any two characters of the opposite sex slip and fall at the same time that they will always land in an erotic position.
Always.
~Beanster the Terrible
Bonus Omake Theater (Ninja Training with Mai Shiranui! YAAAAAAAY!)
Toni-sama walks up to a large building. He's dressed in a traditional karate outfit, with some fingerless gloves to boot, carrying a black duffel bag. He arrives at a building. Looking up, he reads the sign over the door.
"Shiranui Dojo… Hmmm…"
Walking in, he sees an old man.
"Hey you! Old man! I wish to challenge the strongest fighter of your dojo!
"So be it, young man. I will pit you against the strongest one. MAI! GET IN HERE!"
Mai Shiranui walks in, dressed in that skimpy ninja outfit we guys all know and love.
"What is it, grandfather?"
"School this bastard. He called me an old man."
"Yes, grandfather."
Toni-sama takes a defensive stance as Mai whips out her fans.
"I'll give you a lesson you'll never forget!"
Mai and Toni-sama both charge, when Mai suddenly ducks and slides under Toni-sama, getting up behind him and putting him in a headlock.
"AAACCKK!!!"
Mai squeezes hard on Toni-sama's neck while thwapping his face with a fan.
"And my grandfather is NOT an old man!!!"
Suddenly, by a stroke of ingeniousness, T-sama reaches behind him, tickling Mai's bare ribcage. Laughing hard, she lets go. Grinning almost drunkenly, T-sama charges again, unloading a barrage of punches. However, Mai's fans block all of them. Mai then delivers a devastating punch to T-sama's midsection, knocking him to the ground.
"OOooOOOoOOoooohhh…"
Mai, with a determined look on her face, locks T-sama's head between her legs, squeezing the life out of him. Not that Toni-sama minded. He was having the time of his life, though his life itself was slipping away.
Suddenly, Mai released her grip, staring at T-sama's face. Suddenly, her eyes widened in disgust.
"You're enjoying this, aren't you!?"
Unfortunately for Mai, her distraction left her in a vulnerable position. In a flash, T-sama had flipped her over, grabbing her wrists and pinning her to the floor.
"Very much so, my dear…"
Suddenly, there was a twinkle in the ninja-woman's eye.
"Oh really? Well… maybe I should give you some private training lessons, ne?"
T-sama's eyes widen as he stares, his mouth agape. Mai slides out from underneath him, and drags him into a back room.
(Insert lemony scene here )
Waitaminnit. I forgot. FF.net doesn't allow NC-17 stories. Dammit… that sucks.
