A/N: I realise I reached new levels of silliness with the previous chapter and I apologise. This'll be... no more sensible. I'm sorry. I don't know where this side of me comes from. I'm usually such a sensible person. Really, read my other stuff. Sensible, right?
It's not particularly funny this one. But then, I think I'm losing my momentum. I'm sure I'll be able to finish it, though.
For those who've wanted to know - Hammond's attire is hinted at heavily throughout this fic. I'm not just going to all out state it. Where would be the fun in that?
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Sam woke up for the umpteenth time that morning, this time aware that somewhere, somehow, an alarm was going off. An alarm that warned her this time she would actually have to get up and get dressed and, oh God, go to work.
Jack moaned.
'' Hey,'' she lifted her head and looked around, '' where are we?''
'' Attic.''
'' The attic?'' It was then that the headache hit her, suddenly and sharply. She gasped and pressed her hands to her eyes. '' How did we get into the attic?''
'' By walking?''
She glared at him. With her eyes closed. When that didn't work, she opened her eyes slowly.
Jack was lying, naked, on top of sheets of newspaper. His arm was around her waist still, even though she was half sitting up, and his head was turned towards her. She got a really nice view of nail marks on his back. '' Jack, don't get naked with any of the other SG teams today,'' she advised, admiring her work. It had been some years since she'd felt enough passion to actually hurt a lover. God, she hoped he didn't mind. Not that he'd complained at all the previous evening, night and, um, morning.
'' I'm not planning on moving.''
'' We have to. Work.'' She looked around his attic and wondered why on earth they'd decided to come up here, apparently naked since there weren't any clothes lying around. '' Weird.''
Groaning, he rolled onto his back and cast an arm across his face. '' Christ. At what stage did we decide to start drinking?''
'' At about eight,'' she said, narrowing her eyes in remembrance. '' To celebrate.''
He grinned, despite his hangover. '' Who brought the alarm up?''
'' You did.'' Now she definitely remembered that part of the night. Or was it morning? '' You suddenly got quite insistent that we take an alarm clock with us. That was when we moved to the spare room. Why did we move to spare room?''
'' Candle wax on the bedspread.''
Which, at the time, they'd found hysterical. And hadn't thought to simply change the bed spread rather than moving rooms. '' Oh yeah.''
'' Why did we move from the spare room?'' he wanted to know.
'' Why did we move from the spare bedroom to your attic, is what I want to know.''
Jack sat up then and looked around, his eyes bulging. '' I don't have an attic.''
Suddenly, any humour she'd found in the situation fled as, with horror, she reassessed their situation. She'd just assumed it would be his attic. They'd started the evening in his house, after all, and had subsequently visited most of the rooms of his house. She'd just thought that at some stage, however bizarrely, they'd moved it up into his attic. His attic which was filled with.... football trophies, portraits of horses and magazines of... of...
She tilted her head to the side to see if the cover made more sense. It didn't. Holy Hannah was that....
'' Okay, this better not be your attic, because that is the most disturbing...'' She crawled forward towards them but he grabbed her ankle.
'' Sam, honey, now is not the time to be investigating someone's attic. We are naked. And we are lost.''
She glanced over her shoulder and smiled proudly at him. '' Also, you have a hickey on your neck.''
Tucking his tongue into his cheek, he yanked on her ankle and coaxed her back towards him, running his fingers lightly up her sides and over her back. His smile was slightly dreamy as he looked everywhere but her face. '' We need to get out of here.''
She struggled out of his arms - this was so not the time. Besides, she didn't think she was up to it. '' We need to find some clothes.''
'' They must be around here somewhere.''
Wincing, they helped each other to standing and Sam recalled now what an orgy of sexual activity did to her muscles. Honestly, no work out she'd ever found quite succeeded in exercising the muscles that were twinging so spectacularly as she searched amongst the crates and boxes and trunks for anything that resembled the outfit she'd been wearing the night before.
'' Wait, wait, I'm getting something,'' Jack said, poking his head up over a hanger of musty old fur coats. '' Did we... this is going to sound odd but... did we go over to my neighbours to water their house plants?''
Something in that statement sounded familiar to her. '' Flora and Fauna,'' she murmured. She clicked her fingers. '' Yes! Yes, you were telling me that they had cats called Flora and Fauna and you were pleased that they'd been taken to someone else for the vacation because you hate cats.''
'' So we're in my neighbours attic,'' he said triumphantly.
Sam's eyes shifted, helplessly, back to the magazines. '' Sixty-year-olds, did you say?''
'' Well, she is. He's, um, seventy-one.'' He also, seemed to be looking at the magazines too.
'' They're.. new,'' she pointed out. The glossy covers had recent months printed on them. Disturbingly.
'' I can see that.''
They both continued to stare at the magazines, twisting their heads one way and another.
'' That looks really painful,'' Jack said eventually, planting his hands on his hips.
'' For some people it's a turn on. Apparently.'' She swallowed, trying not to imagine two retired people engaged in those kinds of... activities. '' I mean, I'm all for... exploring your inner self but... I guess I'd say I'm open minded but that... that....''
'' That's totally freaky.''
She was relieved. '' Oh good. I'm so glad.''
Even if having sex in a neighbours house wasn't a little freaky as well.
'' We'd better go downstairs. I imagine our clothes are somewhere on the first floor. Unless we decided to water the plants naked. Which only meant we left my house... naked.''
The worrying thing was that Sam didn't find that idea completely outrageous. Considering they'd cooked naked and all. Last night, everything had seemed a whole lot more time efficient if they'd done everything naked. Getting dressed was pretty pointless if you were only going to take everything off again. '' What exactly did we drink?''
'' I'm not sure after the third bottle of wine. I've got some really old brandy.'' He touched the small of her back and nodded at the door. '' This way.''
'' I hate brandy,'' she said thoughtfully as she followed him.
'' Me too. That's why it's still full. Or it was.''
Thankfully, their clothes revealed themselves fairly early on in their search. It felt way too creepy wandering around a completely strangers house with no clothes on. Her jeans and shirt were reassuring, even if she couldn't find her underwear.
'' Oh, please God let them be at home,'' Jack muttered as he found the keys and let her out of the house.
'' What if it's not and they find them?'' Sam exclaimed, stopping midway down the path. '' They'll never speak to you again!''
He sighed resolutely and put his arm around her shoulders. '' This has been the most extraordinary date of my life.''
'' I suppose it would have to be. It's not like we're normal.'' Even if, right now, walking down the road with his arm about her, she was feeling pretty normal. Her headache was subsiding, but then she knew her own hangover patterns. Soon she would be hit by the nausea and she would be unbearable to be around. Maybe she ought to warn him.
A brief search of his house found no underwear. They did, however, discover why they'd left his spare bedroom.
He shrugged as they paused in the doorway. '' I knew that bed was going to go soon. I had that when I was a teenager.''
Sam felt herself blushing and she turned her face into his shoulder. '' Oh my God, we totally wrecked your house.''
He laughed. '' I'm pretty pleased myself, but I suspect that's a man thing.'' He patted her behind and then wandered off. '' Get your stuff! We'd better get to work.''
'' Can you drive?''
'' I've already called a cab.''
Since Sam had left her base ID at home, the cab swung by her house so she was able to swiftly put on some supportive underwear and also downed several painkillers. She grabbed the makings of the patented Carter hangover cure and shoved them into a plastic bag before running (okay, walking swiftly) back to the cab where Jack was slumped in the back seat, wincing behind his sunglasses.
'' Headache getting worse?''
'' Oooh, yeah. You, however, seem remarkably free from pain.''
'' Just you wait. I won't be speaking to you by this afternoon.''
'' I won't take it personally then.'' He linked fingers with hers and smiled at her cheerfully. '' On the other hand, I've not felt this relaxed since... ever.''
If she got any more relaxed, she'd probably slide off the seat. Instead, she wrapped her arm about his and snuggled up close. '' I promise I'll help clean your house.''
'' I'll get Teal'c and Danny to help. That way they can suffer in silence for laughing at us yesterday.''
She giggled. Yup. She could laugh about it now. Suddenly, everything was a whole lot more funny. Jolinar? Friendly little snake. Computer entities? A fun ride through the SGC computer network. Hather? Had some interesting fashion ideas. Antarctica? First experience of the Colonel's sidearm. Anise? Still a bitch.
'' Damn sheep,'' she muttered, just for posterity.
'' Amen.''
The rest of the journey was travelled in calm silence to the base where they were forced to get out at the security check-in. The cab driver gave them both a knowing grin, and a wink at Sam, before he turned the car around and drove off. So prepared, Jack gave the security guard his most threatening Colonel look and the guy visibly paled.
'' Don't suppose you could teach me how to do that?'' she whispered as they walked over to the pedestrian walkway.
'' Trust me. Yours is way scarier.''
'' I have a look?''
He nodded, leaned towards her as they entered the mountain. '' I caught Simmons crying once.''
Part of her was pleased, part of her disbelieving. '' You're making that up!''
His smile was mysterious. '' Am I?''
Oh God, now he was being difficult. She bit her tongue and got into the elevator, refusing to be wound up by him. She could feel her stomach starting to complain, anyway, and all she really wanted to do was drink down the disgusting concoction Mark had taught her when she was fourteen and hope that it would settle her down.
'' I suppose breakfast is out of the question,'' Jack murmured as they stepped out on level twenty-eight.
'' And lunch too.''
'' Dinner?''
'' Maybe. Um, do you want to come to mine?''
He grinned. '' I promise we'll stay in one room.''
'' It's okay, I'll Jack-proof everything before you arrive. Seven?''
'' Great. See you then.'' He made a slight movement with his head that suggested he'd been about to kiss her, then he stepped back, a resigned look on his face. '' Have a nice day, Major.''
'' Yes, sir.''
She watched him walk away, her eyes straying to a part of his anatomy that she'd previous been completely unfamiliar with. Not anymore of course.
Hmmm.
She walked to her lab, a stupid grin on her face.
Daniel joined her at about midmorning, carrying with him a pile of books. '' Just thought I'd rest for a moment,'' he breathed, carefully resting everything on one end of her table. He looked at her, then at the strange, half-full glass of dirty orange liquid by her laptop, then at her again. '' Something I should know?''
Not unless he wanted to be incredibly icked out, Sam thought. The mixture was revolting when it was separated into its basic ingredients.
And, naturally, it was revolting as a mixture, too. The first time Mark had showed her how to make it, she thought he'd been kidding.
Sam shook her head, pasted an oblivious look on her face. '' No. Just thought I'd have something nutritious for breakfast. Of course, I'd forgotten how revolting nutritious is.''
He smiled, pushed his glasses up his nose. '' Have you seen the notice board today?''
'' No. Why?''
'' Someone said there was something up there that was more amusing than the usual piss poor Air Force jokes.'' His eyes crinkled knowingly and he picked up his things. '' Then again, I'm sure you have better things to, um, think about,'' was his last response as he left the room.
She narrowed her eyes at the empty doorway. The sneaky little know-it-all.
Still...
There was a small crowd around the notice board and everyone was talking excitedly to one another. No one was very concerned that Major Carter of SG-1 had arrived, which put to rest any theories that she might be featuring on the board. After all, Daniel had occasionally posted up images of her in compromising situations just for the hell of it. And she'd retaliated by telling all the nurses that he was gay.
She gave people a stern look (maybe that was 'the look' he'd been talking about?) which enabled her to move through the crowd right to the front.
Oh.
My.
God.
Hurriedly, she reached up and gripped the edge of her photograph with her nails, yanked it down. Around her there were numerous groans and she cast a withering look over her shoulder. '' Honestly. Whoever designed this on their computer should be ashamed.''
'' You mean it's not real?'' some slight little captain asked petulantly.
Okay, no, this was the look. The captain shrunk visibly.
'' Of course it's not real,'' Sam said scornfully. '' And if any of you say differently, I'll assure you the General will be down on you like a tonne of bricks. Now get back to work, the lot of you.''
Most of the Air Force officers meandered off, muttering mutinously, but there was a group of Marines who were having a very intent conversation over on the other side of the corridor. One glanced her way, she raised her eyebrows and he turned back, thumbed down the corridor and suggested to his friends that they continued their conversation elsewhere.
So, when the corridor was nice and clear, Major Samantha Carter looked down at the damning evidence she had in her hands, then did a little panic dance.
She suspected there were several surprised people to see her running like a blur to her CO's office, but she didn't care. Major Carter was in panic mode. '' Colonel!'' she exclaimed as soon as she burst through the door.
He looked up from his comic reading sharply, eyes widening. '' What?!''
She raced to the desk and showed him the photo. '' Someone found this and put it on the notice board! It's.. it's... it's him!''
Jack took it and sighed, his shoulders slumping. '' That's not good.''
'' What are we going to do?''
'' Take it to Hammond, of course. He'll need to know about his, er, name being besmirched.''
She half smiled. '' I suppose. You can do that then, right?''
'' Me? Why me?''
'' Because you're his 2IC!'' Her mouth twitched, suddenly. '' And because... because... I don't think I can handle seeing his face. That's why.''
'' Oh, you're so not sneaking out of this one.''
'' Me? Me? I don't sneak.''
He stood up and pointed a finger at her. '' I am not doing this by myself. I need moral support.''
'' Hah!'' She started backing away, half giggling, half laughing. '' Come on, Jack. You just need to warn him, say that there's some freaky stuff... freaky... oh God, do you think he knows your neighbours?''
'' That's not funny.''
She bent over the waist, laughing hard. Then she groaned as her stomach protested. '' I think I'll go see Janet. I'm feeling sick again.''
'' You're making that up!''
'' Er... bye, Jack.''
'' That's it! It's another five years of celibacy for you, then, Major!''
She scrunched up her face as she hurried away towards the elevators. Janet would be sympathetic, she was sure. Then again, Janet had been acting very strangely recently. Something to do with feeling left out... If she was sulking, then Sam would only be told to have some lunch and see how she felt. Sigh.
