I think this one is a little less silly. Oh, and it's from Jack's POV.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 is an original MGM, Greenburg/Anderson, Gekko, Top Secret, Kawoosh! production.
Any material relating to Stargate SG-1 is for entertainment only, and is in no way meant as an infringement on copyrights. In other words, I own nadda.
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Jack paused outside the General's door and swallowed. This always, always, without fail, felt like the occasions he'd visited the principals office as a teenager, which may or may not have something to do with the fact that seventy-five percent of the times he visited the General, it was either for a telling off or to report something that was going to get him told off.
Like two weeks ago, when he'd accidentally started a food fight in the commissary. All because he'd flicked some jello at Daniel who'd just that moment dropped his pen on the ground and the jello had flown straight over his lowered head into the face of a bull dressed as a marine. The marine, looking up in jello-hazed fury, had zeroed in on Lieutenant Williams, who had been sitting behind a now innocent-faced Jack holding up a spoonful of red jello to the light to see how pretty it looked. Williams had received an expertly aimed bowlfull of apple pie and custard to the head. Williams' CO, taking great umbrage at the mistreatment of SG-6's mascot, had introduced the marine's face to some mashed potato. From then onwards... chaos.
Daniel, completely unfazed, completely oblivious, had stood up, murmured a goodbye to Jack, and wandered out of the commissary, head in a book. Jack escaped with minimal peas to the head, but Carter had got an entire jug of water all over her. Hmmm, which had made the T-shirt she was wearing stick to her completely. She'd then informed him she was going to the lockers to change because she could feel the water seeping down to her underwear.
Two weeks ago, he hadn't been sleeping with her and so that statement had done what it usually did whenever she mentioned anything remotely naked fantasy inducing. It sent him straight to the shower rooms to have a nice, cold shower and some very serious thoughts about hockey.
Bringing himself back to the present, Jack looked down at the crinkled, crumpled photograph of his CO, General Hammond, dressed in items of clothing that Jack would pay to never remember. It was his duty to bring this to his CO's attention immediately. Tactfully.
Tactfully?
He didn't do tact. Didn't Sam realise that? Tact and Jack O'Neill was like chalk and... and.. (not the cliche, Jack, not the cliche) bananas. Heh. Chalk and bananas. That's what it was.
'' Colonel? Will you get in here and stop messing around out there?''
Jack froze, stared at the door. How had he known he was there? How had he known?
He always knew.
Nervously, Jack pushed open the door. '' General,'' he said cheerfully.
Hammond nearly rolled his eyes. '' To what do I owe the pleasure, Colonel?''
'' Well, I'm here... that's to say, here I am... here... to see you... here... because...'' Nodding his head slowly, Jack ran out of words. Completely.
'' Because...?'' Hammond prompted.
Jack looked down at the photograph, then at his CO, then back at the photograph. Then at his CO. He swallowed. Painfully.
Hurriedly, he shoved the photograph at the General.
Then he closed his eyes.
'' ThatwasonthenoticeboardandCartergotitdownandIthoughtyoumightwanttoknow.''
Adept in translating nervous speed-speech, Hammond replied smoothly, '' Thank you, Colonel. You may go.''
Jack opened one eye tentatively. General Hammond wasn't blushing. In fact, he was smiling ever-so-slightly. He wasn't angry. He wasn't embarrassed. He wasn't looking remotely put out at all. What the hell was going on here? Did he not realise what he was wearing in that photograph?
Oh the horror...
He opened both eyes. '' I can go?''
'' Yes. Dismissed.'' The General dropped the photograph down on his IN tray and picked up his pen, continued writing smoothly.
Jack hovered uncertainly. This really hadn't gone the way he'd expected it to. Where was the embarrassed explanation? The stilted conversation? He hadn't even had a chance to put his foot in his mouth, make the usual sarcastic, inappropriate quip. Admittedly, he usually did that so that Carter could kick him in the ankle with her foot under the briefing room table, but he'd got into such a habit it was almost second nature nowadays.
'' Right. Well, I'll... see you later.''
'' Goodbye, Colonel.''
Jack left the room, but he didn't get far. Halfway down the corridor, he stopped. Behind him, three AF officers crashed into one another at the impromptu traffic jam, the middle one tipping a cup of coffee down his front and shrieking in a masculine fashion.
Vaguely, Jack was aware that the now desperately whimpering captain was being carted off to the infirmary, but it didn't really register that he might have been somehow involved. He was more concerned over a sudden, bizarre, but strangely appealing idea.
If anything, he would have said that Hammond hadn't been surprised to see the photograph. In fact, Hammond had looked distinctly like he.. he'd known.
Nah.
Jack carried on, shaking his head and headed straight for the elevator. Smiling at the Doc, who was inside the elevator, he slouched in the corner and made small talk up to Carter's lab level where both of them got out.
'' Are you going to see Sam too?'' she asked casually, tilting her head.
Suddenly realising that his alone-time with Carter was going to be severely cut short if, well, he wasn't alone, Jack quickly backpedalled. '' Nope. Danny. I'll drop in on Carter too. Wouldn't want anyone to feel left out. All my team get the same treatment.''
The Doc smiled sweetly at him. '' I'm sure Daniel is glad you're not giving him the same treatment as Sam, however. And Teal'c, too, for that matter.'' Then she walked off, head high, heels clip-clipping.
Jack had the distinct feeling that Janet knew more than she was supposed too. He guessed it was possible that Sam had told her, but he couldn't imagine when. Besides, it would technically be putting Janet into a position neither of them wanted to put their Air Force friends into.
Guess he and Sam would be having that talk a little earlier than he'd hoped.
Daniel, boringly, was fast asleep when Jack got to his office. Head down in an open book, glasses tossed aside, cup of coffee by his left ear, Jack decided the image was too Daniel-esque to go to waste. He pulled the digital camera from the shelf, carefully studied it before locating the ON button, and snapped several very nice piccies. Those would look great on the SGC Intranet. The nurses had set up a page just for pictures of Daniel - you couldn't access it unless you were a nurse in the know, but since Jack had worked his O'Neill charm on the new blonde one only a few months ago, he'd got the standard user name and password so he was free to surf the 'Daniel-itis Page' all he liked. Okay, so he didn't surf it. He put up embarrassing pictures of Daniel on it. Daniel sleeping. Daniel drooling. Daniel covered in mud. Daniel being spanked by the chieftain's daughter... Normal SG-1 stuff that other people didn't get to see. Things that would cause Daniel true and absolute embarrassment.
Cheerfully, Jack pocketed the camera, knowing Daniel wouldn't notice it had gone missing until they left on another mission. Then he moved a few of Daniel's carefully, alphabetically-shelved books around, shifted the odd statue thingy, hid some files - all things that would drive Daniel completely round the bend. Jack then glanced at the screen of the computer and had a quick flash of realisation. He'd promised the security staff a little Daniel time recently (for helping him 'break' the security camera in his office early on that week) and the only way he knew how to do that was by changing Daniel's computer pass-code, thereby ensuring Daniel would have to phone the security girls up for help.
Creeping around the desk, he reached for the mouse and opened up the security program. In an effort to remember his passwords (that mysteriously kept changing), Daniel told Jack his codes, foolishly thinking that he would innocently hold on to it until he needed it. Jack changed the password from SUPERDANIEL (his last, genius creation) to WASSUP. Daniel would just hate that, Jack decided proudly.
He exited the program, pulled up Daniel's latest report (aw, man, he thought, seeing that he was one of the intended recipients), and hurried out of his friend's office, hands in his pockets.
Sam was alone by the time he got to her office. She was also sitting underneath one of the against-the-wall tables, cross-legged.
'' What are you doing?'' he asked, coming to stand by the table, tilting his head to the left to get a better look at her.
She looked up at him, smiled that smile that was just for him, and said, '' Would you believe I'm meditating?''
'' No.''
'' Shame.''
There was nothing for it, he decided. In the interest of team morale, he would have to get under the table with her. Crouching down, he motioned with his head for her to shift over, then he crawled in next to her, leaning against the wall. '' Honey, what are we doing under a table?''
Sam grinned at him in a pleased fashion. '' Janet said you'd be along soon.''
'' So you're hiding under the table?''
She rolled her eyes. '' No. The security camera can't see us from under here. I've checked.''
See? This is what came of having a girlfriend who was a certified genius. Jack grinned at her helplessly. '' What did you bribe the security staff with?''
Her brown furrowed. '' I didn't bribe them. I just... asked.''
'' You asked them? I always have to bribe them with Daniel time.''
'' Which ones do you ask?''
'' The brunette and the redhead.''
She 'oh'ed. '' See, I ask Captain Farren.''
'' Who's she?''
'' Their supervisor. He has a crush on me.''
'' Oh, he does, does he?'' Jack was mentally imagining ways that he could remove Captain Farren from the SGC. No, just remove him. Yes, that would be satisfying. He'd already dealt with Simmons, after all. '' What did you need last week, then?''
She smiled triumphantly. '' I asked for Daniel's computer pass-code so I could erase those pictures of me in Anise's clothes from his hard-drive and the only way I could think of was to... you know... smile a little too much at him.''
'' I'm not sure I approve,'' Jack managed, safe in the knowledge that Daniel had already emailed Jack the best pictures and they were happily sitting on both his SGC computer and his computer at home. In fact, one was his desktop wallpaper - the one where she was bending over to pick something up. It was his favourite picture. Somehow, Anise's clothes looked way better on Sam than they did on Anise.
'' You flirt with the nurses.''
'' Only because... because...''
'' What?''
'' They see my butt on a regular basis! Otherwise it would be uncomfortable.''
She giggled. Then she laughed, bending over and clutching her stomach. '' Jack, they see everyone's butts on a regular basis. They're nurses! Do you flirt with the male ones too?''
'' No!'' Said that a little too quickly, Jack. '' Man, are there any guys on base that don't have a crush on you?''
'' Jack, two people do, not including you.''
'' Oh, come on, most of the lab technicians fantasise about you on a regular basis...''
'' Don't be ridiculous,'' she scoffed.
'' Please - have you see their faces? That adoring expression? I know that expression. They're like lemmings. They'd follow you off a cliff.''
She was really grinning at him now, her cheeks were even flushed, eyes sparkling. '' I'm so flattered that you're bothering to be jealous about lab technicians.''
'' I am not jealous!''
Oh, he so was. Even if they were nerds and he was way, way cooler.
And, you know, he'd seen her naked.
This was pointless. '' Never mind,'' he said eventually - they were, after all wasting perfectly good private time. '' Can we make-out now?''
Sam snorted, then giggled. '' That was so romantic. I think I'd prefer level twenty-three's storage room.''
He rolled his eyes. She was really enjoying pissing him off today. First the General... '' Hey, hey! I went to see General Hammond. How come you didn't ask me about that?''
'' I was gonna, but you started in on me about lab technicians, of all things.''
Jack shook his head, refusing to jump back into that argument (seriously, he had a hit list of lab technicians on his computer that he updated regularly, just to keep tabs on them all - he didn't want them getting out of hand). '' So I gave it to him, and he didn't seem remotely surprised. It was like he knew!''
Her eyes widened. '' Really? Didn't he get embarrassed?''
'' No! It was horrible!''
She paused. '' I would have thought it would have been easier.''
'' Yes, it was! But I was prepared for it to be horrible. I was ready for the awkwardness, the stammering, the cheesy, terribly bad taste comments...''
'' And what did you think the General was going to do?''
'' I knew he'd fob me off, of course, come up with something. But I knew it would all be a lie... at least, unless he did honestly tell me it was some kind of dressing up generals party.''
'' But he didn't.''
'' No. He just took it, thanked me, and dismissed me.''
Sam shook her head. '' I just don't get it.''
'' Neither do I.'' He sighed deeply and noticed for the first time that it was really kinda dusty under the table. He looked around. '' I think the cleaners are skiving.''
'' Mmm, I was just thinking that. I'm gonna have dust all over my ass.''
'' I'll get rid of it for you.''
They grinned foolishly at each other.
He looked at his watch. '' How are you feeling?''
'' I'm okay, actually. My family hangover cure seems to have worked wonders. I'm actually quite hungry.''
'' Me too. Lunch?''
'' I thought you wanted to make-out?'' she teased, already climbing out from under the table and wiping down her pants.
'' As far as I'm concerned, that's all we'll be doing tonight.''
'' All?'' Sam called, walking out of her lab.
'' Okay, maybe not all.''
