(5/29/00) Episode #1: Pads with Wings Really Do Fly…

CHARACTERS:

JAMES

JESSE

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN: multi-personalitied otaku friend of Jess and James; James' best bud but fights with him a lot

GALAXIA: Neko's best bud who hangs out with Jess a lot; seemingly a 'dumb blonde' but with a disturbingly violent temperament

CHAN-SAW: the leader of the psycho Chanseys from "A Regular Day At TR's Pad"; often-found scheming twisted plots with Neko and Galaxia

ARBOK

WEEZING

VICTREEBELL

EVIL BEAR-MON: cute bear-like creature of Neko's that she insists is a Pokémon; not evil

EVIL HOUSE-MON: ever-enduring hallucination of Galaxia's; is evil…well…if it were real…

plus some psycho GROCERY STORE MANAGER

Scene I

(James is sitting on the front stoop of TR's Pad)

JAMES: Sitting, sitting…

bored…bored…

…there is a dai-sy on my toe, it is not real, it does not grow.  It's just a fra-gment of a flower, that I can see, when I'm in the shower…doo dee doo

(Jesse walks by, double takes, then turns back)

JESSE: James, what are you doing?  And what's that about showers?

JAMES: Nothing.  Sitting.  Singing.  (jumps up and breaks into song) TRA LA LAAAAA!!!!!!

JESSE: (blinks) James, are your underwear on backwards again?

JAMES: (looks down his pants) No.

JESSE: Just checking.  (walks off to wherever she was going in the first place)

JAMES: Don't leave me here alone!!  I need adult supervision!!

(Neko and Galaxia walk up to the porch with Evil Bear-mon and large bags of unidentifiable groceries)

NEKO: What's that about 'supervision'?  James, are your underwear on backwards again?

GALAXIA: You should really stop dressing in the dark.  I'm not buying you anymore Elmo Band-Aids.

JAMES: No.  That's not it.  I'm just reeeeeeeeaaaaaalllyyyyyy booooooooooorrrrreeeeeedddd!!!

NEKO & GALAXIA: Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eeeeeevvviiiiiillll…!

NEKO: No, we can not have a Jell-O-shots party.  Now help me eat the groceries.

JAMES: (super happy) YOU FINALLY BOUGHT GROCERIES?!?!!!!!  (dives on Neko in intense hunger, tearing apart paper bags and plastic wrapping with lightning speed)

GALAXIA: I told you we have to buy groceries more often than once a month.

NEKO: I just didn't think it was worth shopping for them with only five dollars and some pocket lint. Help me subdue him before he eats the sanitary napkins.

GALAXIA: Okay.

(As Neko and Galaxia attempt to wrest the toiletries from James—Evil Bear-mon just sits on the porch eating the plastic wrapping off of snack foods—Arbok, Weezing, and Victreebell burst into the clearing and dive on the three humans and strewn groceries like a trio of purple, green, and yellow vacuums)

ARBOK: CHAAAAAA!!!!  [Translation: FOOOOOD!!!]

WEEZING: Whee!!  [Trans: Wrappers!!]

VICTEEBELL: EEEEEE!!!  [Trans: JAMES' HEAD!!]  (promptly attempts to swallow James' head)

Galaxia: DON'T EVER ASK ME TO DO THE GROCERIES WITH YOU AGAIN, NEKO!!!

Scene II

(Jesse walks up to find a jumbled heap of humans, Pokémon, and strewn remains of groceries sprawled across the lawn)

JESSE: Oh.  Today was grocery day.

NEKO: (painfully) Yeah…

JAMES: …eep…Ooh, saltines!

GALAXIA: (cries pitifully) Is there no God?!

(Meowth comes out of the house and hops happily off the porch, apparently unaware of everyone)

MEOWTH: Do I smell food?

JAMES: (hugging the crumbled, soggy remains of saltines to his chest) They're mine!!

NEKO: We're all out of food.  James ate it all.

JAMES: …did not…(shoves the rest of the crackers into his mouth before anyone can object)

GALAXIA: (irritated) He even ate the toiletries!

JESSE: (paling) But we're out of pads.

NEKO: Duh!  That's why I went shopping!

JESSE: Excuse me.  (walks off into the woods and the sound of loud profanities can be heard)

JAMES: I thought they were those Valentine Little Debbie cakes!

(Neko whacks him over the head)

JAMES: But I did!!

(Galaxia whacks him over the head)

JAMES: OW!!  Would everyone stop whacking me over the head?!

(Neko, Galaxia, Evil Bear-mon, and the Pokémon all whack him over the head.  Then Victreebell tries to eat it again)

JAMES: Mmmpphh!!!

MEOWTH: Let go of his head, ya overgrown salad!  I didn't get ta whack it yet.

(Jesse comes back, noticeably calmer)

JESSE: Well, we are now conveniently out of food and all necessary bathroom items due to James' pig-headedness!  As soon as Victreebell's done sucking the flavor out of his hair, let me whack him, okay?

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eeevviiiill?

JESSE: (ticked) WHAT?!  You perverted little bear, I do not get sexual pleasure out of whacking James in the head!!

(Neko and Galaxia burst out laughing from their dirty imaginations)

JESSE: EEW!!  You two are sick!!  I didn't mean it that way!!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eeevil, eeevvviiilll, eviiiill…

JESSE: (gasp) Where did you hear that?!

(Neko and Galaxia turn purple from laughing.  Then they stop breathing, their eyes bug out of their heads, and Meowth and Arbok have to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation)

EVIL BEAR-MON: (shrug) Evil…

JESSE: And the contractors told me those doors were soundproof!  (smacks her forehead)

GALAXIA: Wow that was a really long tongue?  I wonder what it would be like to make-out with a snake?

ARBOK: (sweat drop) Chaaa…

NEKO: Mah mouf ish all fwurry!!  Pwah!!

MEOWTH: DON'T EVER STOP BREATHING AGAIN!!!

JAMES: I'm glad Victreebell's don't have saliva…

(Jesse whacks him.  Then Meowth does so too)

JESSE: Now you have to go buy us more groceries, you pig!!

GALAXIA: Including feminine products!

JAMES: I don't want to be seen in the tampon aisle!!

NEKO: Not tampons—pads!

GALAXIA: With wings!

JESSE: Non-scented.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eeeevvil.

NEKO: You don't use pads, dumb-ass!  But get the variety pack like it said, James.

JAMES: (wimpy whining) Why do I have to live in a house full of women?!

GALAXIA: (all smiley happy) Because you're so damn attractive!

NEKO: (yelling from the porch) I WANT YOUR SEXY BODY, JAMES!!!

JESSE: (irritated) Quit teasing him, damnit!

MEOWTH: She's just saying that cuz she wants his body…

JESSE: (punching Meowth in the head) Shut up, cat!! (shoves James and hands him a super long list that stretches across the lawn and disappears into the trees) Now go buy our food and pads!

MEOWTH: And catnip.  I'm out.

JESSE: You're always out.  Since when do you eat catnip?

GALAXIA: (horrified) Since he got attacked by that horrible Evil House-mon!!

MEOWTH: (sighs) Not that stupid house-thingie-majigger again…

NEKO: There's no such thing as an Evil House-mon, Galaxia.  Now get in the house before you hurt yourself.

JESSE: Or I hurt you.

NEKO: Either one.

GALAXIA: But I saw it!!  It was real!!  And it tried to kill me!!

JAMES: I-i-it d-did…?!

GALAXIA: You have to believe me!!  It will kill us all!!

JAMES: WHAT SHOULD WE DO?!?!!

GALAXIA: (viciously) RUN IT OVER!!!  EVIL HOUSE-MON SHOULD DIE!!!

EVIL BEAR-MON: E-eevil…

NEKO: That was a cruel thing to say!  Maybe I think you should die!

JESSE: MAYBE YOU SHOULD ALL JUST DIE AND SHUT-THE-HELL-UP AND JAMES SHOULD GET THE DAMN GROCERIES!!!!!!!!

GALAXIA: Good idea.

JAMES: (panics) But what if I run into Evil House-mon on the way?!

JESSE: Here.  Take this penknife to protect you.

JAMES: Thanks, Jesse.

Scene III

(It's nearly dawn of the next day and James is leaving the grocery store with 3 carts full of grocery bags)

JAMES: My eyes…glued open…world…tipping…

(Loud motor sound is heard coming down the street)

JAMES: AAAGGGGHHH, IT'S THE EVIL HOUSE-MON AND IT'S GONNA' EAT ME AND I'M GONNA' BE DEAD AND THEN WE'LL NEVER GET TO EAT THE GROCERIES!!!!!!

(The sound comes closer and turns out to be Chan-saw playing with her chainsaw in the street)

JAMES: (loud obnoxious sighing) Oh, good.  It's only Chan-saw.

CHAN-SAW: CHAN!!!  CHAN-sey, CHANSEY!!

JAMES: No, you can not test your chainsaw on my shopping carts.

CHAN-SAW: (beginning to cry) Chaaaann…

JAMES: Because I need them to carry the groceries home.

CHAN-SAW: (lip quiver) Sey…?

JAMES: (shocked) I can't carry all of these by myself!!  (pause) You can chop them when I'm done with them, though.

(Chan-saw begins jumping up and down in excitement, revving her chainsaw)

CHAN-SAW: Chansey, chansey, CHAN!!

(Obese man, face livid with rage rushes out of the store waving a shotgun at the crazy Chansey)

STORE MANAGER: YOU MOTHER-*beep*IN PINK PIECE OF SEWER FILTH!!!  I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM MY SHOPPING CARTS!!!

CHAN-SAW: (eyes bugging out of her head in terror) CHAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!  (runs off in a whir of legs and smoke, the manager hot on her tail and firing at random with the shot-gun; he misses horribly every time)

(James blinks, then runs off with the high-jacked carts before the manager can get back)

JAMES: Bringing home the groceries, tra, la, la!

(Suddenly trips over a large rock and goes flying on his face.  The shopping carts fly out of his hands and down a steep hill)

JAMES: Oh…(gasp) SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

(Chan-saw jumps on his head still running away from the irate store manager.  Then she trips over her own feet on the steep hill and tumbles down it straight into the 3 carts, sending the bags flying into the air)

CHAN-SAW: SEEEEEYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! (splatters into a nearby building)

JAMES: NOOOOOO!!!!!  THE GROCERIES!!!!!!!!!!  (watches them sail in slow motion over the woods below with great fascination)  Jesse's going to kill me.

Scene IV

(A sudden rain of groceries and feminine pads falls on the front lawn while everyone watches emotionlessly from the porch, still waiting for James to return from the grocery store)

JESSE: (pause) You're sure his underwear aren't on backwards?

GALAXIA: (confused) He said they weren't…

NEKO: I'll go get the Ritalin.

MEOWTH: Don't bother.  (a bottle of the pills hits him on the head)

END EPISODE ONE

NOTES

The whole concept of Evil Bear-mon and Evil House-mon came about when my sister and I were making fun of the concept of Digimon—how all the little digital creatures were just the names of animals or things with the suffix "-mon" attached to the end.  We had seen some episodes with an evil bear Digimon, and therefore dubbed it "Evil Bear-mon".  In another episode, there was some giant, evil Digimon which looked disturbingly like a house, so again, hence the name.  Although Evil Bear-mon isn't large or evil at all, I decided to keep the name, just as a joke.

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