(5/30/00—5/31/00) Episode #2: When the Whole World's on NoDoze
CHARACTERS:
JAMES
JESSE
MEOWTH
NEKO-CHAN
GALAXIA
PIZZA GUY who nobody called
LESBIAN SEAGULL: strange friend of Neko and Galaxia; finds her name very controversial since she is not really gay
EVIL BEAR-MON
CHAN-SAW
a super-hyper, pill-popping NURSE JOY
some KID and his GROWLITHE
and reference to Lisa Ling and the magazine TokyoPop
Scene I(James and Neko-chan are sitting on the front porch, chins in hands looking incredibly bored)
JAMES: If a plane crashed on the border between the United States and Canada, where would they bury the survivors?
NEKO: Um…Hey, stupid! You can't bury survivors! They're not dead yet!
JAMES: No fair! You figured it out too fast!! (mopes)
NEKO: (confused) You mean that was the answer? (thinks a bit) You must have said it wrong. Okay, here's one you'll never get! A certain Mr. Smith and his son Arthur were driving to the store together when they got in a car crash. Mr. Smith was instantly killed but his son Arthur was immediately rushed to the hospital. When they got him to the emergency room, the old surgeon looked at him and said, "I can't operate on him—he's my son, Arthur." (smug) Explain that one!
JAMES: (intensely confused) Explain what? Why she wouldn't operate or why her husband died but her son didn't?
NEKO: (ticked) No, moron! You're suppose to explain how the surgeon and Mr. Smith could both say Arthur was their son, but you just did when you said that the surgeon was a woman!
JAMES: (still lost) What does the surgeon being a woman have to do with that?
NEKO: (getting anger marks) She's his mom, you half-wit!!
JAMES: Whose mom?
NEKO: ARTHUR'S, DUMMY!!!
JAMES: Arthur who?
(Neko shakes with frustration at his density momentarily, then calms)
NEKO: Let's do something else.
JAMES: Fine with me. All these riddles are making my head hurt…
NEKO: (trying not to snap) Okay. Hmmm…Wanna' see what happens when you put the toaster on Super-Crispie-Crunchie-Burnt'nBlack?
JAMES: (bored sigh) I already did that. All it did was burn the toast and make a really bad smell.
NEKO: Damn. No flames?
JAMES: Nope.
(Suddenly a loud scream of rage and fright comes from the house)
JESSE: (from inside the house) WHO PUT THE TOASTER ON SUPER-CRISPIE-CRUNCHIE-BURNT'NBLACK?!?!!!!
JAMES: (terrified) Let's go somewhere else!!
NEKO: (getting out of there as fast as she can, followed closely by James) That sounds like a good idea…
(Jesse stomps out onto the porch wearing an oven mitt and holding a charred, flaming piece of bread in a pair of tongs, followed by Galaxia. Both are covered in soot)
JESSE: JAMES!!!! I KNOW IT WAS YOU!!! AS SOON AS I FIND YOU, YOU ARE DEAD MEAT, MAN!!!!
GALAXIA: (weak cough) My toast…(looks crushed)
JAMES: (to Neko from a nearby tree) I guess it doesn't work until the second try.
NEKO: YAY! THERE WAS FLAMES!
MEOWTH: Hey, get out of my tree, James!
JAMES: (almost falling out as he spots Meowth on the branch above him) Meowth, what are you doing in a tree?!
MEOWTH: (irritated sigh) Hiding from dat Evil House-thingie majiggy!
NEKO: Oh, hell! Now Galaxia's got you believing in that bullshit, too?
MEOWTH: (pissed) Hey, so I was wrong! It is real—I saw it with my own two eyes. And it tried killing Evil Bear-mon and me!
JAMES: (looking nervous) W-where is it now?
NEKO: (super sarcastic) Playing croquet with the pink elephants and garden fairies!
MEOWTH: Oh shut da hell up! I did too see it, you bitter old cat!
JAMES: We have to save the garden fairies!! What if Evil House-mon tries to eat them?!
NEKO: (throws a pinecone at him) Oh, shut up, moron and let's get out of these stupid trees! I've got sap in my hair!
JAMES: Eew, I hate sap.
MEOWTH: It's in your hair, too.
JAMES: (starts crying) EEEW, GET IT OOOUUUUUTTTT!!!!
(Meowth falls off his branch from the volume and lands in a tumbled heap at the foot of the tree)
MEOWTH: (dazed silly) Ooh! Look, swirlies!! Du-huh…
NEKO: Maybe he'll stop believing in evil people-eating houses now.
JAMES: Um…(loses his balance from peering down at Meowth and lands on top of him)
NEKO: Am I the only one here who can keep her grip on the damn branch?!
(Chan-saw suddenly pops out of nowhere and chops her branch off with her chainsaw)
CHAN-SAW: Chansey, chan!
NEKO: (also dazed on the ground) I don't wanna' go ta school today, mommy…the other kids are mean to me…
Scene II(Jesse and Galaxia are soaking in two of the mongo tubs in the TR bathhouse)
GALAXIA: (pouring bottles and bottles of perfumes and smelly stuff in her water) Jesse, I used fifty-two bottles of perfumes and bath beads and I still smell like burnt toast!!
JESSE: Maybe you smelled like toast before the toaster tried to start the kitchen on fire.
GALAXIA: Oh. (suddenly understanding) Hey, that was mean!
JESSE: Oh, quit whining!
GALAXIA: Make me, @#%&$!! (sticks her tongue out at Jesse)
(Jesse throws a hair brush at her and hits her in the head with it)
GALAXIA: OW!! Stupid *mumble mumble*…
JESSE: What was that?
GALAXIA: (sweetly innocent) Nothing…(under breath) Go fall off a cliff!
PIZZA BOY: (pops up in the bathhouse window) Pizza!
GIRLS: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (hastily cover themselves)
JESSE: PERVERT!!! WE'RE BATHING!!!!
GALAXIA: (squealing) EEEWWW!!!! YOU NASTY SICKO!!!
PIZZA BOY: Well maybe if you're going to bath naked you should close and shutter your windows.
GALAXIA: Well, we…Oh, @#$% you!!
PIZZA BOY: Jesus, are you always this violent?!
GALAXIA: Come in here and let me strangle you, you stupid jerk!!
JESSE: (to pizza boy) Not really.
GALAXIA: NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I'M RUNNING YOU OVER WITH MY CAR!!!!
JESSE: Galaxia, you don't have a car.
GALAXIA: I DON'T CARE!! I'M STILL GONNA' DO IT!!
PIZZA BOY: Um, could somebody just pay me for the damn pizza so I can leave? I mean, you girls are both frickin' hot 'n all, but I think I'd like to make it out of here alive.
GALAXIA: EEP, WE'RE NAKED!!!! (throws the fifty-two bottles into her bath and hides behind the mountain they make)
JESSE: Yep, we've already established that, Galaxia.
PIZZA BOY: You have nice boobs.
JESSE: Thank you. (pissed) DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO GET LOST, BUSTER?!!
PIZZA BOY: No.
JESSE: Well I am now!! GET OFF MY PROPERTY!!! NO ONE ORDERED A PIZZA AND NO ONE'S GOING TO PAY YOU FOR IT!!!
PIZZA BOY: (leaves, muttering under breath) Cheap bastards…
Scene III(Neko, James, Meowth, and Evil Bear-mon are at a donut shop in town)
JAMES: No!! You stole the last custard filled!!
NEKO: Did not! It was mine all along!
JAMES: (trying to wrestle the donut from her) Give it back, @#$%&!!
NEKO: No way, #@$%^&*!! I beat you to it fair 'n square!! Leggo!!
JAMES: You leggo!!
NEKO: No, you!!
(Continue their vicious tug-of-war with the donut, growling profanities at each other the whole time)
MEOWTH: (just finishing off his sixth pot of straight black coffee) Whydon'tyoutwostopfightingoverthedamndonutandbuymesomemorecoffee?!!!
EVIL BEAR-MON: Evil. Eee-evil, eevil.
MEOWTH: IhaveNOThadtoomuchcoffeeyoustupidtalkingbear!! BuymeanotherpotorI'llhurtyoudamnit!!!
JAMES: (still fighting with Neko) You ate the last custard donut!! This one's rightfully mine!!
NEKO: (whiny) But I LOVE the custard-filled kind!!
JAMES: (just as whiny) But so do I!!
MEOWTH: Coffeecoffee, needmorecoffee!!!! (begins to run around the table at the speed of light, creating a whirlwind of sugar packets and creamers that James and Neko fail to notice, so engrossed in their argument are they)
EVIL BEAR-MON: Eviiiil…(shakes head sadly and takes another sip of its coffee)
MEOWTH: GIVEMECOFFEENOW, DAMNIT!!!! (accidentally jumps on the donut James and Neko are fighting over, squirting the two with custard filling)
JAMES: (eyes wobbling) My custard donut!!!
NEKO: (similarly about to cry) You KILLED it!!!
BOTH: (bursting into tears) WAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
MEOWTH: Ohshutupandbuymeanotherpotofcoffeeyoudonutscarfingfreaks!!
NEKO: (still crying) Don't call James a freak! (punches the cat, then lays her head down on the table and cries some more)
JAMES: (still crying as well) Neko's not a freak! (kicks Meowth off the table then joins Neko in mourning their donut)
EVIL BEAR-MON: Eee…?? (sigh) E-viiil! (jumps down from the booth and leaves the three to their weird selves)
(Lesbian Seagull enters the donut shop. An expression of…disturbance, comes over her at the sight of Neko and James flooding the booth with their loud obnoxious crying and Meowth lying on the floor catching the remains of Evil Bear-mon's abandoned coffee in his open mouth as it drips off the edge of the table)
MEOWTH: Cooooo-ffeeeeeee….mmmmmm…
SEAGULL: Oooh-kay…Hi, guys…
JAMES & NEKO: (pausing from their sobbing) Hi, Seagull… (start crying again)
SEAGULL: I don't think I really want a donut anymore…
MEOWTH: (starts crying) I'm all out of co-ffeeeeee!!!!
SEAGULL: (leaning on the back of the trio's booth) Hey, James! Neko! Chill. What the hell are you two crying about, anyway?
BOTH: Meowth squashed my donut!!! (both glare at each other suddenly, ceasing their crying)
JAMES: Your donut?! It was my donut!!
NEKO: Nu-uh!!
SEAGULL: Oh, brother…Guys, if you both shut up right now, I'll buy you both another donut.
JAMES: (really happy) REALLY??
NEKO: (clasping her hands together happily and leaning her head on Seagull angelically) I LOVE YOU!!
JAMES: (also sucking up) ME TO-OO!!
SEAGULL: (looking sick) Ew. Lay off the NoDoze!
MEOWTH: (latching onto Seagull's leg and looking up at her through big, dewy eyes) Will you buy me more coffee, too?
SEAGULL: (dryly) If you let go of my leg.
MEOWTH: YAYYAY, COFFEECOFFEECOFFEE!!!!!!! (runs off in a whir of fur and legs; possibly to the bathroom)
SEAGULL: (thoughtful) I really shouldn't have given him that stuff I found in the bottom of my underwear drawer…
JAMES: (incredulous) You gave Meowth 'mystery stuff'?!!
SEAGULL: Well it didn't look bad when I gave it to him.
JAMES: (dryly) That's not what I meant…
NEKO: (looking enlightened) So that's why he believes in that stupid Evil House-mon all of a sudden…
SEAGULL: Oh, Evil House-mon. You saw it too?
NEKO: (disgusted) Jesus Christ! Don't tell me you believe in that ridiculous hallucination, too?!
SEAGULL: What do you mean, 'hallucination'? It's been all over the news for the last week.
JAMES: (terrified) Agh, it IS REAL!!! EEE!!! (latches on to Neko with a death-grip, nearly suffocating the poor redhead)
NEKO: ALL OF YOU ARE INSANE!!!!
SEAGULL: Hey, do we want me to buy me your damn donut or not?
NEKO: I'm not sure if I want a donut from a wigged-out crack-head like you.
JAMES: I'll have it.
SEAGULL: Hey, I may be a crack-head, but I am not wigging! (thinks) Okay, maybe. I swear I saw Brock making out with some girl on the way to town.
JAMES: Whoa, you are definitely wigging!!
NEKO: Definitely!
SEAGULL: I figured it had to be some sort of mirage or something. (sheepish) I really should quit drinking my breakfast so much…!
NEKO: Really. Lay off the Jack Daniel's.
JAMES: I'm really sorry to interrupt and all, but I really need my donut now because I think I'm going to faint from lack of nutrients!!
NEKO: (dramatic) Me too!
SEAGULL: Dumb-asses. Donuts don't even have any nutrients.
NEKO: They've got sugar and fat—that's good enough for me.
JAMES: (looking about ready to pass out) James—need—donut—NOW!!
SEAGULL: (going to buy them donuts) You two and your damn donuts…
JAMES: You and your damn drugs…
Scene IV(Jesse, Galaxia, and Chan-saw are at the local PokéCenter. For no particular reason other than to annoy Nurse Joy)
NURSE JOY: (twitching strangely from too much energy) DO YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR POKÉMON CHECKED?!
JESSE: No. We're okay. (unnerving smile)
NURSE JOY: WELL…ARE YOU WAITING TO SEE SOMEONE?!
CHAN-SAW: Chan…??
JESSE: No. (grin)
NURSE JOY: (confused and too hyper to be standing still and having this conversation) THEN…WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!
JESSE: Nothing. We're fine just sitting here.
GALAXIA: You have nice couches!
CHAN-SAW: (looking at the couch cushions with an odd gleam in her eye) See-ey!
NURSE JOY: (drumming her fingers on the counter with pent-up energy) DO YOU HAVE TO JUST SIT THERE LIKE THAT?! STARING…AND STARING…AT ME…LIKE THAT…PLEASE STOP THAT!!!!!
CHAN-SAW: Chaa-aan, seeey!! (getting dizzy from staring too much; falls over)
GALAXIA: (nervously) Why do you keep yelling like that?
NURSE JOY: (looking totally buzzed) YELLING?! I'M NOT YELLING?!
GALAXIA: (whimper)
NURSE JOY: CAN'T EVERYONE JUST BE QUIET?! IT'S SO LOUD!! STOP TALKING!!! MAKE THE VOICES STOP!! (pulls out a pill bottle and chugs from it like it's a pop can)
JESSE: I always thought those nurses were messed up but this one really needs help.
GALAXIA: (looking scared) I think we drove her crazy with all that staring!
NURSE JOY: (shaking uncontrollably) PILLS, PILLS!! I'M ALL OUT OF PILLS!! WHERE ARE THE REST OF MY PILLS!!!
some KID: Nurse Joy, could you heal my Growlithe?
GROWLITHE: Growl?
NURSE JOY: (strangling the kid hysterically) WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM, DAMNIT?!!! SOMEBODY GET ME MY GODDAMN PILLS BEFORE I HAVE A FLIPPING CORONARY!!!!
CHAN-SAW: (having a blast chopping the sofas up with her chainsaw in the background) CHAAAAAN-SEEEY!!!! CHANSEY, CHAN!!
JESSE: (grabbing Galaxia and bolting out the door) Okay, this is when we leave and forget we'd ever been here!
GALAXIA: (crying) I wish I could forget!!
NURSE JOY: (throws the boy across the room, who quickly gets up and runs out the door screaming bloody-murder, and starts throwing pieces of sofa into the windows) GET OUT OF MY HEAD, DAMN YOU!!!!
Scene V(Evening and the fireflies are out. Everyone's back at TR's pad lounging on the porch)
JAMES: (singing) Fish sticks, fish sticks, I love fish sticks!
JESSE: (whacks him in the back of the head) James, quit playing with your food!
JAMES: (pouting) Jesse! You made me drop one! (pause) Here, Meowth. Have a fish stick.
MEOWTH: Ooh, yum!
NEKO: (looking up at the stars) Nu-uh. You can say all you want, but I'm never going to believe that there's an evil house walking around killing and eating people!
GALAXIA: But there really is! Neko, everyone but you believes me!
JESSE: I don't.
GALAXIA: Well, you don't count. Besides, just like Lesbian Seagull said, it's been on the news and everything!
JAMES: Did it get an interview with Lisa Ling?
GALAXIA: No.
NEKO: James, Lisa Ling isn't even a news anchor.
JAMES: She's not?!! But that's what it said in TokyoPop!
JESSE: James, I told you to stop reading those stupid Japanese pop culture magazines! They're rotting your brain…more than normal…
JAMES: I only read it for the manga…
NEKO: That's the only worthwhile stuff to read in that crappy magazine.
JAMES: (cheery) I don't read them—I just look at the pictures!
JESSE: (dryly) Figures.
NEKO: (irritated) Well anyway, back to the original topic…
GALAXIA: (confused) What was the original topic?
NEKO: (grouchy) I have no idea! I just wanted to get off that subject!
JAMES; (trying to catch fireflies with his hand and plate) Grr…slow down…!
MEOWTH: Hey, there was dirt on that fish stick!
PIZZA BOY: (in a lackluster voice) Pizza.
JESSE: (pissed) No one ordered a pizza!! Would you give up?!
JAMES: Why turn down a pizza?
GALAXIA: (diving at the pizza boy like a wild feral panther) YOU'RE THAT BASTARD WHO PEEKED ON ME IN THE BATHHOUSE!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!
PIZZA BOY: (trying to run) Holy freakin' mother of God!!
NEKO: James, let's go get some Mason jars and catch fireflies for torturing later.
JAMES: Okay!
JESSE: (sigh) I'm going to bed…
MEOWTH: I want ta catch fireflies! Hey, wait for me!!
GALAXIA: (chasing the pizza boy around the clearing) GET BACK HERE, DAMN YOU!!!!!
END EPISODE TWO