(6/2/00) Episode #3: Secrets Don't Make Friends—But Burnt S'mores Do!

CHARACTERS:

JAMES

JESSE

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

CHAN-SAW

EVIL BEAR-MON

VICTREEBELL

ARBOK

WEEZING

LICKITUNG

the BLACK NINJA: sent by the government to assassinate Meowth for knowing too much; has a strange obsession with origami

and a DIRTY BOOKSTORE

Scene I

(Jesse and Meowth are hiding in the pantry)

JESSE: Meowth, tell me again why you dragged me in here?

MEOWTH: Shh!  Keep it down—he'll here ya!

JESSE: Who will hear me, you numbskull?!  If this is about that stupid Evil House-mon again, I'm going to—

MEOWTH: No, no!  He's after me, too, but—

JESSE: Oh brother…

MEOWTH: …that's not what dis is about!  I'm hidin' from da ninja!

JESSE: (wondering about Meowth's sanity) …Ninja?

MEOWTH: Da Black Ninja!  He's after me!

JESSE: A ninja…is after you?

MEOWTH: Yeah!  He's out ta kill me!  (grabs her by the collar) I—know—too—much!!

JESSE: (irritated) Know too much what?!  Crazy crack stories?!

MEOWTH: (getting frustrated) No!  Government secrets, imbecile!

JESSE: (bored expression) So we're hiding…in a cramped pantry—that smells suspiciously like gym socks, I might add—because the government sent a ninja to assassinate you?

MEOWTH: Because I know too much.

JESSE: Because you know too much.  (grabs him by the neck) DO I LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE MORON OR SOMETHING?!?!!

(James opens the pantry)

JAMES: Hi Jesse.  Hi Meowth.  Um, why are you guys in the pantry?

JESSE: We're hiding from the Black Ninja, half-wit!  Do you mind?!

JAMES: I'm just looking for the ramen.

JESSE: Second shelf, to the right.

JAMES: (grabbing ramen) Thanks.

(Jesse glares at him meaningfully)

JAMES: I'm leaving, I'm leaving! (closes the door)

JESSE: Now where was I?

MEOWTH: (turning blue) …choking…me…gack!

JESSE: Oh yes!  (shaking him) THIS IS ALMOST AS STUPID AS THAT CRAZY HOUSE-THINGIE!!  WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THIS STUFF?!?!!

JAMES: (opening the pantry again) Excuse me…

JESSE: WHAT NOW, JAMES?!

JAMES: (cringing) Um, I forgot the Pringles…

JESSE: (shoves the canister at him) NOW DON'T BOTHER US AGAIN!!

JAMES: (whimper) Okay…  (closes door)

MEOWTH: But…Jesse…!!  I'm serious!!  I saw the…documents!!  Now they…can't let me live!!

JESSE: MAYBE I SHOULD JUST KILL YOU AND DO THEM A FAVOR THEN!!

(James opens the door again)

JESSE & MEOWTH: WOULD YOU QUIT INTERRUPTING?!?!!

JAMES: (cowering) I'm sorry, I won't do it again, but there's a man out here looking for Meowth!

MEOWTH: Did he tell ya 'is name?

JAMES: (forehead creasing in thought) Um…I'm not quite sure, but I think it was something like…Mr. Black, or Ninja Man or something…

MEOWTH: BLACK NINJA?!?!!

JAMES: (brightly) Yeah, that's it!

BLACK NINJA: (popping his head around the door) Hello.

JESSE & MEOWTH: AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!  WE'VE BEEN DISCOVERED!!!

JAMES: (blink) You know this guy?

MEOWTH: (hysterical) CLOSE DA DOOR, CLOSE DA DOOR!!!!

JAMES: (stern) Meowth, don't be rude.  He said it's important.

BLACK NINJA: (popping his head around the door again) Very important.

MEOWTH: James, shut up and tell him we're in da bathroom!!

JAMES: (turns to the ninja) They're in the bathroom.

BLACK NINJA: Your pantry is your bathroom?

JAMES: (shifting his eyes) Um…yes?

BLACK NINJA: (peeking around the door again) I apologize, ma'am.  (closes the door carefully)

JAMES: Sorry.  Um…want a Pringle?

BLACK NINJA: Ooh, Salt & Vinegar—my favorite.  (takes a chip) Please tell your friend I'll try back another time.  (brightly) Here, have some origami!

JAMES: Ooh, a crane!

(The Black Ninja leaves and James opens the pantry door again and peeks his head in)

MEOWTH: Is he gone?

JAMES: Yeah.  (giddy) Look at my crane!

JESSE: (blushing) Meowth, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

MEOWTH: (shrug) Dat's okay, Jess.  But are ya gonna' believe me about Evil House-mon now?

JESSE: (growl) Don't push your luck, cat…

JAMES: Ooh!  When you push down on it like this, his wings flap!

JESSE: James, you are too easily amused for your own good.

JAMES: What's that suppose to mean?

Scene II

(Neko-chan, Galaxia and Chan-saw are out in the yard considering a small shack)

NEKO: Ha!  Perfect!

GALAXIA: (evil laugh) That pizza boy will think twice before ever coming around here again!

NEKO: (smug) I must say it is one of my most genius schemes.

GALAXIA: Hey, don't take all the credit, bitch!  I helped too, ya know!

NEKO: (patting her head condescendingly) Yes, you did, sweetie.  And you were very helpful, too.

GALAXIA: (pouty) You're taunting me, Neko!  (stomps her foot in aggravation)

CHAN-SAW: (looking at their trap warily) Chaaan, seeey…

NEKO: Of course it will work!  I came up with it, after all!

GALAXIA: And I helped construct it!

CHAN-SAW: (raising an eyebrow and pointing at the trap) Chan chan sey!  Chansey, chansey!

NEKO: (insulted) It is not obvious, you pink airhead!  You're just upset because we had to use your chainsaw!

CHAN-SAW: (wilting sadly) Seey…

NEKO: I said you could have it back when we're done.

CHAN-SAW: Chan?

NEKO: No, I will not replace the blade.

CHAN-SAW: (indignant) Chan!

NEKO: Well it's your own fault it's dull.

GALAXIA: Dull blades are more dangerous!

NEKO: You scare me.

GALAXIA: Well it's the truth.

CHAN-SAW: (waving her arms wildly) SEY, SEY!  CHANSEY CHAN!!

(Footsteps are heard)

NEKO: Quick, hide!

(All three zip behind the bushes.  Soon after, Evil Bear-mon walks by and sees the trap with it's large sign proclaiming "FREE PORN!!" in red letters)

EVIL BEAR-MON: (blink) Evil?  (shrugs and goes inside)

NEKO: YAAAGH!!  Evil Bear-mon fell for the trap!!

CHAN-SEEY: (eyes wide in terror) SEEEEYY!!!

GALAXIA: (squealing) SOMEONE DO SOMETHING BEFORE HE GETS DECAPITATED!!

(Evil Bear-mon walks back out with a handful of unmarked videos and magazines and walks off into the woods unharmed)

GALAXIA: HUH?!

NEKO: WHA—?!  (angry) Who stocked the trap with actual porn?!

CHAN-SAW: Se-ey…

NEKO: (whacks her over the head) Imbecile!  It's not supposed to be a real dirty bookstore!

GALAXIA: (confused) Why didn't the chainsaw work?

NEKO: (blinks) Uh, good question…

(The sound of a chainsaw being revved comes from directly behind them)

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!!

NEKO: IT'S JASON!!!!

JAMES: (popping up behind them with a chainsaw in hand) Chan-saw, you left your chainsaw in that shack over there.

CHAN-SAW: (grabbing the chainsaw from him and hugging it happily) Chaaaaan-seeeey!!

GALAXIA: (shaken up) YOU DUMB-ASS, NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!

NEKO: James, what the hell were you doing in that dirty bookstore?!

JAMES: (confused) Dirty bookstore?!  I thought it was a photo booth!  (thoughtfully) No wonder it wouldn't give me back my two dollars…

NEKO & GALAXIA: Figures.

(Jesse walks out on the porch to drink her coffee and notices the shack)

JESSE: Why is there a dirty bookstore on my lawn?

JAMES: (pointing at the three accusingly) Ask them, they put it there!

GALAXIA: We were trying to catch that stupid pizza boy!

NEKO: But James ruined it!  (whacks him over the head)

JAMES: Ow!  Hey!

JESSE: Well get rid of it!  I don't want people to think we're some sort of sick perverts!

GALAXIA: But we are sick perverts.

JESSE: But I don't want them to know that!

NEKO: Well what the hell are we supposed to do with it, then?

JESSE: I don't care what you do with it!  As long as you get it off the lawn!

JAMES: I'm hungry!

NEKO: You're always hungry.

JESSE: James, you just ate!

JAMES: But I'm still hungry!  Let's make a bonfire with it and roast marshmallows!

GALAXIA: Yeah!  I like s'mores!

CHAN-SAW: (revs her chainsaw) CHAAAAN-SEY!

(In a blur of wood chips, she chops the shack into firewood, douses it in lighter fluid and lights it on fire)

JESSE: (spitting out coffee) NOT ON THE LAWN, IMBECILES!!!

GALAXIA: Big flames…(staring at the flames with perverse enjoyment)

NEKO: (watching the 10 ft. high flames in disgust) You call that a bonfire?!  What this baby needs is more lighter fluid!  (everyone puts on welders' masks and fireproof suits as she adds about 5 more cans to the flames) (smug) Now that's a bonfire!

JAMES: (whines) But now we can't even stand near it!  How are we supposed to roast marshmallows!

NEKO: With really long sticks, duh!  (she cuts down a tree using Chan-saw's chainsaw and hands it to him)

(James sticks a marshmallow on the tip of a branch and with some difficulty, sticks it into the flames.  After a couple seconds, he pulls it out)

GALAXIA: Is it done?

(The marshmallow and branch crumble into a pile of smoking ashes)

JAMES: Yeah.

JESSE: I'm surrounded by idiots…

Scene III

(Meowth is skulking about in the backyard, looking paranoid)

MEOWTH: I know he's here!  I can 'ear 'im breathin'!  (jerks at a sudden sound) What was dat?!

(Silence, except for the wind blowing the trees)

MEOWTH: (shaking) W-who's dere…?

VOICE: Don't worry—it's just me.

MEOWTH: (relieved) Oh.  (angry) Be a little quieter, moron!  Can't ya see Ahm tryin' ta hide here?!

VOICE: Oh, sorry.  (whispering) Is this better?

MEOWTH: No.  It'd be betta' if ya'd just shut your yap!

VOICE: You're pretty mouthy for a cat.

MEOWTH: Yeah, well I've also got claws, buddy!

VOICE: That won't stop me…

MEOWTH: (really annoyed) Whaddya mean, it won't stop ya?!  Of course it—(freezes) …uh…oh…

VOICE: What's the matter?  You look as if you'd seen an assassin or something…

MEOWTH: (whimper) …Jesse…James…help…!!

BLACK NINJA: (poking his head out of the trees) You're going to need it…

(Victreebell pops up behind him and swallows him whole)

VICTREEBELL: Eeee!!  *burp*

MEOWTH: (loud sigh) I owe you big, plant boy…

VICTREEBELL: Eeee!  Eeee, eee! (tackles him and tries to swallow his head)

MEOWTH: AGH!!!  LEGGO OF MY HEAD—I DON'T OWE YA DAT BIG, SALAD BREATH!!!!

VICTREEBELL: EEEE!!!

Scene IV

(Arbok, Weezing and Lickitung push the last scene out of the way, indignant looks on their faces.  Well, actually only Arbok looks indignant.  Weezing just looks clueless like always and Lickitung looks like he's trying to have a staring contest with himself)

*Pre-translated for your viewing pleasure*

ARBOK: We are sick and tired of being ignored!

WEEZING: Yeah, ignored!  Dur…!

ARBOK: So far we have only appeared once!  We demand more lines!

WEEZING: More lines, more lines!

ARBOK: (hisses) Shut up, you!  (conks Weezing in the head with his tail)

WEEZING: (not even fazed) Ow.

LICKITUNG: (incredibly bored) Why am I here?

ARBOK: Because you're tired of the injustices we have to endure!  You want to challenge the system!  You invite change—you recognize the need for Pokémon rights!  You're tired of having people devalue you and just assume you have nothing intelligent to say because they don't understand you!  WE DEMAND DEMOCRACY!!

LICKITUNG: Sure.  Whatever, man.  Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna' go over here and lick this tree.  (does so)

ARBOK: (blinks) Okay.  (determined) Never give up for what you fight for, though!

LICKITUNG: (waves a hand at him pretending he cares)

WEEZING: Weezing like fight!  Fighting good!  (puffs a little bit of smoke)

ARBOK: Shut up, moron!  I didn't say you could speak!  Just sit there and look…I don't know!  Just don't say anything!  You're hurting my argument with your brainless remarks.

WEEZING: (hurt) Weezing not stupid.

ARBOK: (hastily making something up) Yes!  I know you're not…stupid…but you have to be quiet!  I know how to talk to these people better than you do.

WEEZING: But Arbok, there no people.  Only blank white page.

ARBOK: (frustrated) I-I know that, imbecile!  They're behind that white page!  Now let me—

(Weezing pushes him out of the way and tries to peer into the whiteness)

WEEZING: Where, where?  Me no see them.

ARBOK: (knocks him out of the way) Of course you can't!  They're hiding!  Now scram and let me talk to them, or I'll mail you to the Fiji Islands again!  And this time I won't put holes in the box!

WEEZING: (sad) No, don't do that.  Make Master sad.

ARBOK: (under his breath) Master probably won't even notice…(out loud) Weezing, if you just sit there, and don't talk, I won't mail you anywhere.  But you can't—talk.  Period.

WEEZING: Like playing freeze tag?

ARBOK: (trying to control his temper) Yes, like playing freeze tag.  (pause) Weezing, I told you to freeze.

WEEZING: You not tag me yet.

ARBOK: (twitching angrily) What?!  You stupid floating ball of gas, I TOLD you to—

WEEZING: (stubbornly) Weezing not freeze until you tag him.

ARBOK: Grr…Fine!  I'll tag you.  (tries to hit him with his tail but Weezing floats out of the way) Half-wit, what are you doing now?!  Get back here!

WEEZING: You have to catch Weezing to tag him.  That rules.

ARBOK: AARRRGH!!  (threatening to have a spaz-attack)

(Evil Bear-mon walks by reading a PlayBoy)

EVIL BEAR-MON: What are you guys doing?

ARBOK: I'm trying to negotiate contracts with the writers and Weezing is ruining it with his stupid remarks!

WEEZING: You no catch Weezing.  Ha ha.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Why don't you just put him in his Pokéball?

ARBOK: (blink) I…(smacks his forehead) I'm so stupid!

LICKITUNG: (looking up from licking some rocks) Hey, he's making some progress.  Maybe next he'll admit to having anger management issues.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Hey, Weezing!  Smile for the camera.

WEEZING: (looking around in confusion) Camera?  Where?

(Arbok calls him back into his Pokéball when he's not looking)

EVIL BEAR-MON: Well, my job's done here.  (turns to leave)

ARBOK: WAIT!!  Now I don't have anyone to support me in my plea!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Whaddya need me for?  I'm not even a Pokémon.

ARBOK: Neko says you are.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Neko talks to herself and stalks government officials.

ARBOK: Good point.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Besides, you've got Lickitung.

ARBOK: Who?

EVIL BEAR-MON: Lickitung.

(Arbok still looks confused)

EVIL BEAR-MON: Jesse's other Pokémon.

ARBOK: Uh…

EVIL BEAR-MON: (sigh) Here.  (turns Arbok around and points at Lickitung who is busily scooting across the lawn on his belly licking the grass)

ARBOK: (understanding) Ohhhhh…(pause) Maybe Victreebell will help me.

EVIL BEAR-MON: He's hardly better.

ARBOK: Chan-saw?

EVIL BEAR-MON: She's already got her own contract.

ARBOK: (sigh) It's hopeless.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Sorry, man.  But you're probably the only intelligent Pokémon left who doesn't have a contract to appear in the show.

ARBOK: (crying) What am I gonna' do?!

EVIL BEAR-MON: You should talk to Jess 'n James.  I bet they'll help you get into the show.  They tried to make you movie stars before.

ARBOK: I guess…

EVIL BEAR-MON: What's the matter with that idea?

ARBOK: Nothing.  It's just…if they get me a contract, so will the other Pokémon.

EVIL BEAR-MON: (looks over at Lickitung, who has now been joined by a hyperactive Victreebell) I see your point.

(Arbok turns to leave)

EVIL BEAR-MON: Hey, where're you going?

ARBOK: To get an agent.  I'm handling this my own way.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Hmm.  Good luck, man.  (goes back to reading his PlayBoy)

LICKITUNG: (to Victreebell) What was that all about?

VICTREEBELL: Who cares, your head looks like it tastes good!

LICKITUNG: Get the hell away from me.

VICTREEBELL: On second thought, where's Master?

END EPISODE THREE