(6/12/00) Episode #5: The Heat is On—Crash and Burn!

CHARACTERS:

JAMES

JESSE

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

EVIL BEAR-MON

ARBOK

WEEZING

VICTREEBELL

LICKITUNG

RAICHU

GASTLY

FLAREON

LESBIAN SEAGULL

the BLACK NINJA

and some PHOTO CLERK guy

Scene I

(Arbok is sitting at a makeshift desk [an old apple barrel] in the backyard.  Raichu is sitting across from him on a beer keg)

*Pre-translated for your viewing pleasure*

ARBOK: (looking down at some legal papers) What kinds of contributions could you bring to the show if you were included in this contract?

RAICHU: (thoughtful) Um, well…I could steal people's underwear a lot.  For laughs, y'know?

ARBOK: (nod) I see.  So you would bring…comic relief, am I right?

RAICHU: Yeah.  If you really want to use the big words, y'know.

ARBOK: (flicks his tongue thoughtfully) Alright…Are you sure there's nothing else you could contribute?

RAICHU: (scratching his head) Well I could…Look, what's the point?  Even if you didn't include me in your stupid legal contract thingie, I'd still do all this stuff anyway y'know.

ARBOK: Er…okay.  But why?

RAICHU: (smirk) Because I can, stuff-shirt.

ARBOK: Hmm, I like your attitude.  [He'd also like to eat him ^_^]  You're in!  (stamps a red 'APPROVED' on the papers)

RAICHU: Yeah, whatever.  A piece of paper doesn't mean anything, y'know.

ARBOK: (smirk) You'd be surprised… [Meaning Raichu should have read the fine print ^_^]

It was nice doing business with you, Raichu.

RAICHU: Yeah, same here, I guess.  When can I get out of here, damnit all?

ARBOK: And for future reference, don't call me stuff-shirt.

RAICHU: Sure, sure.  Whatever.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have some 'business' to attend to, y'know…

(Raichu hops off the beer keg and starts to leave.  In a second thought, he turns around and drags the beer keg away with him)

ARBOK: (raises an eyebrow after Raichu and flicks his tongue) We really have too many of those things around here…(looks down at a list) Okay!  Next!

(Flareon saunters over, sits down primly in front of the barrel and begins to wash one paw daintily)

FLAREON: Okay, Big Boy, let's get this over with.  This vixen's got places to be and people to do, if you get my drift.

ARBOK: (blink) Ah, I think you have it the other way around…

FLAREON: (gives him a sultry glance) I know what I said.

ARBOK: (hisses uncomfortably) Oooh-kaaay…Let's get down to business.  Flareon, what kind of contributions could you make to this show if you were included in this contract?

FLAREON: Whatever I have to do.

ARBOK: Pardon me?

FLAREON: I said I'd do anything.  Just as long as it gets me what I want.

ARBOK: Er…And what exactly is it that you want?  I really don't want to know!

FLAREON: (sigh) That big manly hunk of studly blue-haired bishonen!  Ooh, he can play with my tail any day!

ARBOK: (blanching) Are you serious?  I've never heard so many perverse hormonal labels in one sentence…

FLAREON: Dead serious, honey!  If getting in this contract can get me closer to him, then sign me up a million times!

ARBOK: (looking sick) Is that your only drive for being in the show?  Don't you have any special talents or anything?

FLAREON: Oh, honey, you have no idea…(wink)

ARBOK: (grimace) And I bet I do.

FLAREON: (sultry smile) Oh, just a sec, though honey!  There's just one little thing I wanted to have added to my part of the contract.

ARBOK: (irritated) And that would be?

FLAREON: Yeah, I was wondering if you could add permission for me to kill off the competition?  I'm not literate in all this legal stuff, but I didn't want to run into any complications when I knock off the redheaded bitch.

ARBOK; (eye twitch) Sorry…no killing policies allowed.  Unless it's me killing you, you hussy!

FLAREON: (pouting cutely) Aw, really?  Damn.

ARBOK: I believe our transaction has ended.  (stamps a huge 'DENIED' on Flareon's papers)

FLAREON: (upset) What does that stamp say?

ARBOK: (stamping her in the forehead with the 'DENIED' stamp) DENIED!!

(Flareon is knocked out by the stamp)

ARBOK: (looking down at her in irritation) Oh, damn!  Clean up, get in here!

(Victreebell and Lickitung rush over and salute)

BOTH: Yo!

ARBOK: Please dispose of this trash!

(Victreebell happily dives on the unconscious Flareon and tries to swallow her)

LICKITUNG: (smacking Victreebell with his tongue) Hey, share damnit!!  Leggo!

VICTREEBELL: (hopping away with Flareon) No!  Mine!  MINE MINE MINE!!!

(Lickitung runs after him angrily, yelling threats)

ARBOK: (sigh) I really need to get Jesse to renew my Prozac prescription…(looks at his list) Good God, there's more of these crazy people?!

(Gastly materializes, looking irritated)

GASTLY: We prefer the term, "mentally ill".

ARBOK: Yaagh!  Don't DO that, damnit!!

GASTLY: Do what?

ARBOK: That-that popping out of nowhere stuff!  It gives me the blinkin' creeps!

GASTLY: Oh, you mean this? (disappears and pops up right in his face) BOO!

ARBOK: (jumps a foot) YAAAAAGHHH!!!

GASTLY: (retreats to a comfortable distance) Okay.  Got ya.  I won't do that.

ARBOK: (shaking) O-okay…N-now, where was I?

GASTLY: Sitting, I believe?

ARBOK: Huh?

GASTLY: You forgot to come back down after you jumped.

ARBOK: I WHAT?!  (looks down and realizes he's a foot off the ground)  I CAN'T FLY!!

GASTLY: Yes, I believe you can't.

(Arbok crashes into his apple barrel desk)

GASTLY: Ouch.

ARBOK: [censored for the faint of heart]

GASTLY: If words were rainbows…

ARBOK: (rights himself) Okay!  That's it!  Enough of this!  Gastly, would you profit the show?!

GASTLY: Sure.  What the hell.

ARBOK: Okay—great!  You're approved!  Now scram!!

GASTLY: I believe I will.  This snake needs anger management bad  (disappears)

ARBOK: I need a drink…

Scene II

(Jesse and James are stuffed inside a phone booth outside of the PokéCenter)

JAMES: (whining) Jesse, why are we in this phone booth?!  I can't even move in here!

JESSE: Are you suggesting I'm fat?!

JAMES: Uh, no.

JESSE: Then shut up!  We're in a phone booth because you usually have to use a phone to call people, imbecile!

JAMES: Who are we calling, Jess?

JESSE: The photo development place!  Neko and Galaxia just went there to get that film developed.

JAMES: (wide eyed) You mean the film with—

JESSE: Yes, I mean that film.

JAMES: Um, if they're already there, then how are we supposed to stop them from getting it developed?

JESSE: Simple.  I call in a fake bomb threat to the photo place, then when everyone has evacuated, we destroy the evidence.

JAMES: That's a brilliant plan, Jesse!

JESSE: (grin) I know!

JAMES: But why am I in the phone booth, too?

JESSE: Well…Because.  James, just shut up.

JAMES: But Jesse, it's really cramped in here!  And it only takes one person to make a phone call anyway!  Can't I just—

JESSE: (clamping a hand over his mouth) Oh, put a sock in it!  I'll tell you why you're in here once I'm done making my call!  (dials the photo place)

PHOTO CLERK: Hello, this is Fading Memories Film Development, how may I help you?

JESSE: (using Ash's voice) Hi, my name's Ash Ketchum and I'm calling to tell you that this morning I planted a bomb in your bathroom!

PHOTO CLERK: OHMIGOD!!!  THIS CAN'T BE REAL!!

JESSE: (still in Ash's voice) Oh, you bet it's real, buddy!  In exactly thirty minutes, Fading Memories is gonna' be blown sky high!  (imitating Ash's retarded laughter)

PHOTO CLERK: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING!!!  YOU SICK LITTLE BOY!!!

JESSE: (Ash's voice) You bet I am!  I'm a crazy nut!  Would you like my home phone number and address?  It's 123-4567, 1515 Beechwood Row, Pallet Town.  Thank you for your time, sucker! (hangs up)  (in her own voice) Ha, ha, ha, those suckers!

JAMES: Mmmphff!

JESSE: Oh!  (takes her hand off his mouth) Sorry about that.

JAMES: This is great!  Now we're going to get that film destroyed as well as that Brat!

JESSE: Oh, yeah!  I'm a genius!

JAMES: We really need to work on your modesty…

JESSE: Shut up!

JAMES: Well?

JESSE: Well what?

JAMES: Are we going to get that film destroyed or not?

JESSE: Mm-hmm.  This first though.  (pins him against the glass and kisses him)

JAMES: (after she's pulled away) So is that why you brought me in here?

JESSE: Yep.  You'd better not tell anyone though!

JAMES: Okay.

(Both make-out for awhile)

JAMES: I guess I don't really mind the fact that I've lost the feeling in my left shoulder…

JESSE: Stupid cheap one-person phone booths!

(Go back to making-out)

Scene III

(Chan-saw, Evil Bear-mon and Raichu are sitting in the hide-out kitchen, mixing drinks and raiding the refrigerator)

*Again, pre-translated*

RAICHU: (climbing through the fridge and tossing things onto the floor) Rai!  There's nothing edible in here, y'know!  Haven't these people heard of grocery shopping?!

EVIL BEAR-MON: (sipping a martini) Grocery day's not until next week.

RAICHU: (poking his head out of the fridge) What the hell are you supposed to do until then, y'know?

EVIL BEAR-MON & CHAN-SAW: Starve.

(Chan-saw is busily concocting a drink of everything alcohol in the house, hands a blur of bottles, cans, and kegs)

CHAN-SAW: We could order a pizza.

EVIL BEAR-MON: It'd never work.

RAICHU: And why not?

EVIL BEAR-MON: Because every time we call the pizza boy, Jesse and Galaxia chase him off.

CHAN-SAW: Yeah, what's their problem?  He's just doing his job!

EVIL BEAR-MON: I have no idea.  But we're going to have to think of something else.

RAICHU: (eyeing the pantry) Hmm, what's in here? (opens the door)

(The pantry is decked out like some sort of bomb shelter, complete with military cot, two-way radio, and bottled water)

EVIL BEAR-MON: (sipping his drink) Looks like Meowth still thinks Evil House-mon's after him.

CHAN-SAW: No, I heard it's a Black Ninja now.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Victreebell supposedly ate the Black Ninja.

CHAN-SAW: I'll have to talk to him about that.

RAICHU: Okay.  I'm disturbed now, y'know.  (slams the pantry door shut)  Well, we've established that everyone in this house is a nut, including the cat, and the only thing edible around here is the alcohol.

CHAN-SAW: There's nothing wrong with drinking your meal!  (finishes mixing her drink and happily chugs it)

RAICHU: Well the least they could do is leave us some corn nuts, y'know.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Okay, I agree with that one.

CHAN-SAW: You guys just don't have a high enough tolerance.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Compared to you, no one does.

CHAN-SAW: Jesse and Neko rank pretty close.

RAICHU: And I thought I was an alcoholic, y'know. (starts to leave)

CHAN-SAW: Where are you goin'?

RAICHU: To find some real fun, y'know.

EVIL BEAR-MON: That'd take a lifetime.

RAICHU: (sarcastic) Ha, ha.

CHAN-SAW: Hey, I heard Neko and Galaxia got hold of some raunchy photos or something.

RAICHU: That sounds juicy, y'know…

EVIL BEAR-MON: Let's say we take a looky?

RAICHU: (grin) Let's, y'know!  Where are they, Chan-saw?

CHAN-SAW: They just left to get them developed a few minutes ago.

EVIL BEAR-MON: So why don't we join them?

RAICHU: Okay.  But I ain't paying for bus tabs, y'know.

CHAN-SAW: Well neither am I.

EVIL BEAR-MON: You're not making me pay for them again!

RAICHU: We need to find someone stupid enough to pay for us, y'know.

CHAN-SAW: Okay.  Where's James?

RAICHU: Wait!  I know the perfect sucker, y'know!

CHAN-SAW: Who's a bigger sucker than James?

RAICHU: A certain James' Pokémon, y'know…

Scene IV

(Neko and Galaxia are pouting on the curb in front of the PokéCenter)

GALAXIA: I can't believe someone called in a bomb threat to the photo development place!

NEKO: What kind of moron sends a bomb threat to a photo development place anyway?

GALAXIA: I don't know.  All I heard was it was some dumb kid from Pallet.

NEKO: Okay, this just bites!  Now we can't get that film developed until next week!

GALAXIA: Why next week?

NEKO: I don't know.  I think they're remodeling or fumigating after this or something.

GALAXIA: (sigh) Wow, that really does bite.

(Jesse and James walk up, slightly disheveled and grinning proudly)

JESSE: Hey you two!  Why so blue?

GALAXIA: Some dumb-ass called in a bomb threat to the photo developing center.

NEKO: Now we have to wait another damn week to get Gastly's film developed.

JAMES: Aw, isn't that just too bad!

JESSE: I'm sure those pictures weren't worth it anyway…

NEKO: (looks up at them quizzically) And why are you two so chipper all of a sudden?

JESSE: Oh, no reason.

JAMES: (sniff) Can't you just let us be happy?!

NEKO: (sarcastic) Gee, I'm so sorry.  (dryly) James, your jacket's on backwards.

(James looks down at himself and realizes the 'R' is on his back)

GALAXIA: (curious) Hey Jess, what's with the lighter fluid?

JESSE: Um, we were going to go home and…um…have a barbecue…

JAMES: We were?

JESSE: (glare) Yes.  We were.

GALAXIA: (cheery) I like barbecues!

NEKO: (eyeing Jesse and James suspiciously) I swear, you two have been acting weird lately…

JAMES: (hasty) No we haven't now let's go home and have that barbecue!!

(James grabs Neko by the arm and Jesse grabs Galaxia, and they both drag them home)

CHAN-SAW: (getting there just as they leave) Sey!  Chansey-chan?!

[Whoops.  Forgot the translator]

CHAN-SAW: Hey!  Where are they going?!

RAICHU: Did I hear barbecue?

EVIL BEAR-MON: Was that lighter fluid?

CHAN-SAW: (weird look) Was James' jacket on backwards?

RAICHU: Aw, who cares, y'know!  They're going home and I think food's involved so I'm following, y'know!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Seconded!  Okay, Weezing, back on the bus!

WEEZING: Yes, new Master.

Scene V

(Everyone's back home having a barbecue on the front lawn)

JESSE: (sigh) Ahh!  There's nothing like a barbecue at the end of a nice day!

NEKO: (glaring at her burnt hot dog) Or a worthless day…

(Meowth walks up and sits down on the porch sadly)

JESSE: Hey Meowth, where have you been?

MEOWTH: (sigh) At da beach.

NEKO: Still?

JESSE: How did your sandcastle work out?

MEOWTH: It was a failure.

JESSE: What happened?

MEOWTH: First da main tower collapsed on itself and knocked out half da inner wall.  Then da attack squids killed an' ate da sharks and used dey're carcasses ta break out of da moat and start attacking beach goers.

NEKO: Man, that bites.

MEOWTH: (sigh) Yeah…

GALAXIA: (crying) James, my burger's still red inside!

JAMES: It's just a little rare.

GALAXIA: How come it's still cold?

ARBOK: (curled up in the grass dejectedly) *translated* What a lousy day!  So far I have only two Pokémon and myself on the contract, and both of them are idiotic reform school drop outs!

(James comes over and offers Arbok a burger coaxingly)

JAMES: James?  Jay, jay, james?

ARBOK: (glaring at him moodily) No, I don't want the burger!  It's not even cooked, you buffoon!

[Okay, turning off translator now…^_^;]

JESSE: James, I told you to stop feeding food that's fallen on the ground to my Pokémon!  Now look what you did!

JAMES: But it didn't fall on the ground—Galaxia threw it!

JESSE: It doesn't matter how it got there!  Just don't feed it to them!

JAMES: (weep) Jesse, are you going to unfreeze me?!

JESSE: (sweetly) I don't know…You need to learn your lesson.

JAMES: (panicking) JESSE!!!

JESSE: (sigh) Alright, alright!  (evil grin) I guess there's funner ways to teach you a lesson…

(She starts dragging James into the house by his collar)

GALAXIA: (looking up from the grill) Jesse, where're ya going?  Your burger's not even done yet!

JESSE: (grin) Don't worry, I'm just going to melt James!  I'll be back in an hour!

JAMES: Could you save me a burger?

JESSE: Oh, you won't be hungry when I'm done with you…

NEKO: (watching them leave) She beats him up way too much.

GALAXIA: (confused) I hope she's not going to use the oven to melt him.

ARBOK: (making gagging motions with his tail) Chaaaaah-bokUH!

VICTREEBELL: (choking) Eeee!!  Eee-eee!!  (coughs up Flareon and the Black Ninja)

FLAREON: (weakly) Flare…

BLACK NINJA: FREE!!  FREE AT LAST!!  (runs off, laughing insanely)

NEKO: Nani?!

GALAXIA: Victreebell needs to learn to stop eating everything he sees.

(The Black Ninja runs back, grabs the burger that fell on the ground, then runs off again)

Scene VI

(The next morning.  We find Jesse and James hanging out on the front porch)

JESSE: James, since when do you smoke?

JAMES: Since last night.

JESSE: Hmm, it does make you want to start, doesn't it?

JAMES: Oh, yeah! (starts swinging in the porch swing lazily)

JESSE: (thoughtful) James, whatever happened to Seagull? I wanted to have her over for the barbecue last night.

(Flash to Seagull still trapped on the beach)

SEAGULL: GET ME OUT OF THIS BUBBLE!!!!!!

(Back on the porch)

JAMES: Well I called her.  She must still be practicing to be a mime.

JESSE: Huh.  You know, I've never been able to figure her out.

JAMES: She's a weird one.

(Jesse stands up and stretches)

JESSE: Well, I'm going to the bathhouse now.

JAMES: (hopeful) Can I come?

JESSE: No, you can not!

JAMES: Damn.

END EPISODE FIVE