(7/5/00 & 7/10/00) Episode #6: All the World's a Stage
CHARACTERS:
JAMES
JESSE
MEOWTH
NEKO-CHAN
GALAXIA
EVIL BEAR-MON
CHAN-SAW
WEEZING
VICTREEBELL
RAICHU
GASTLY
another crazy NURSE JOY imposter
and a SECURITY GUARD
plus the cast of Scooby-Doo
Scene I
(James, Meowth, Neko-chan and Evil Bear-mon are watching television in the hideout's living room)
JAMES: You're making that up!
MEOWTH: No ahm not! It's true, I swear!
JAMES: That's crazy!
MEOWTH: But it's da truth.
JAMES: Scooby-Doo used to be a porn?!? Get real!
MEOWTH: (irritated) It is real, moron! I heard it from very reliable sources!
EVIL BEAR-MON: Evil. E-viiiil.
JAMES: WHAT?!?
MEOWTH: See! Told ya I wasn't lyin'! (slashes James)
NEKO: (thinking out loud) I hate Scrappy-Doo.
JAMES: That's disgusting!! (thoughtful) But it does explain why Fred was always pairing up with Daphne…
MEOWTH: Oh, blech! Now you're grossin' me out!
NEKO: (still talking to herself) I really hate Scrappy-Doo.
EVIL BEAR-MON: Evil. Eee-eevil, evil, evil.
JAMES: Hey, you're right! Shaggy does say 'like' a lot!
NEKO: God, I hate Scrappy-Doo.
JAMES: …and he eats a lot too. That reminds me—I haven't had lunch…
(On the TV, Shaggy and Scooby scream in terror and run into a diner where they start eating)
MEOWTH: You know, Shaggy reminds me of someone…
EVIL BEAR-MON: Eeevil.
JAMES: You said it! We should order Chinese!
MEOWTH: Now I know.
NEKO: (jumping up) Who else here hates Scrappy-Doo?!
JAMES: Me.
EVIL BEAR-MON: Eev.
MEOWTH: Mee-owth. I hate dogs…
JAMES: Where's the number for Leon Chin's?
NEKO: They should have a freak accident and kill him off some how…
JAMES: (whining) I can't find the phone book! Who stole the phone book?!
NEKO: …lightning storm or disastrous typhoon, I think. Or maybe a wood-chipper accident.
JAMES: Why is the 'take-out' section missing from the yellow pages?!
NEKO: That's it! I'm starting a campaign to kill Scrappy-Doo off of the show! Where's my black market auto-dialer?
JAMES: I WANT CHINESE, DAMNIT!! I WANT CHINESE!!!
MEOWTH: (to E.B.) I think we're da only normal ones here.
EVIL BEAR-MON: Eev.
NEKO: How about that place downtown who's number's on the fridge? They do take-out.
JAMES: (crying) But I want it "in a bowl"!!
Scene II
(Jesse and Galaxia are down at the PokéCenter)
GALAXIA: I really hate having to do this, but it's the only way.
JESSE: Yeah, I'll kick you out of the house if you don't do it!
GALAXIA: (cringe) Eek, don't hurt me! Why do you care so much all of a sudden anyway?
JESSE: What do you mean "all of a sudden"?! I always hated your Flareon running around humping things and howling to be let out in the middle of the night!
GALAXIA: Humping James, you mean. She's female—she doesn't hump objects.
JESSE: (grumbling) Oh whatever. James, objects; what's the difference?
GALAXIA: (confused) Uh…???
JESSE: Exactly.
GALAXIA: Well, aaaaanyway…speaking of howling, why was Flareon howling at your door the other night? Doesn't she usually howl at James' door?
JESSE: (impatient) Are you going to get that damn thing fixed or not?!
GALAXIA: Well yes, but you didn't answer my—
JESSE: (shoving her towards the front desk) Chop, chop, time's a wasting!
NURSE JOY: Finally! I was about to have you two thrown out for loitering! So, what do you want?
GALAXIA: Uh, I—
JESSE: You're not Nurse Joy!
NURSE JOY: Of course I am. Read the sign, Red.
GALAXIA: I don't remember Nurse Joy having facial hair…
JESSE: Okay, buddy, what did you do with the real Nurse Joy?!
NURSE JOY: I told you miss, I am Nurse Joy! Now are you going let me help your Pokémon or am I going to have to have you thrown out?!
JESSE: I'm not giving you my Pokémon until you show me I.D.!
GALAXIA: Jesse, maybe she's telling the truth…
JESSE: SHE?!? That's the worst guy in drag I've ever seen!!
NURSE JOY: HEY!!
JESSE: Alright buddy, enough with the crappy wig and crooked lipstick!! (grabbing Joy by the collar) MY PARTNER MAKES A BETTER WOMAN THAN YOU DO!!!!
GALAXIA: (whining) Jesse, people are staring!
NURSE JOY: (shrieking) AGH HELP, POLICE, HELP!!! SOMEBODY!!!
JESSE: YOU UGLY CROSS-DRESSING PHONY, LET NURSE JOY GO, DAMNIT!!!!!
SECURITY GUARD: Hey, hey! What do you think you're doing?! Let Nurse Joy go!
NURSE JOY: (gurgling noises)
JESSE: YOU MORON, CAN'T YOU SEE THIS IS A MAN?!?! (tries to take Joy's hair off) Damnit…come…off!!! Why won't it…come…off?!?!!
NURSE JOY: BECAUSE IT'S REAL, YOU NEUROTIC PSYCOPATH!! SECURITY, GET THIS WOMAN OFF OF ME!!!
GUARD: Of course, ma'am! (drags Jesse off of Joy)
GALAXIA: (diving on the security guard) Let go of her you filthy pig!! Let her go!! You're not arresting my friend!!
GUARD: Ow, ow!! Now there's two psychos!!
JESSE: (dryly) Galaxia, get off of the security guard.
GALAXIA: (blink) Oh. He let you go. (leaves the guard alone)
GUARD: (moan) Owwwiiee…
GALAXIA: Sorry!
GUARD: (groan) Now why were you attacking Nurse Joy, young lady?
JESSE: (furious) THAT'S NOT NURSE JOY!!! CAN'T YOU TELL A MAN IN DRAG WHEN YOU SEE ONE, YOU HALF-WITTED FOOL?!?!!
GUARD: (dryly) For your information, Miss Joy is not a man in drag. She is the great-aunt of the Nurse Joy who usually runs this PokéCenter.
JESSE: (getting those blue lines) Ah…ah ha ha…
GALAXIA: I told you she was telling the truth.
NURSE JOY: (huffy) I have never been so insulted in my life!! The nerve!!
SECURITY GUARD: Calm down, Miss Joy. It was an honest mistake.
NURSE JOY: Honest mistake my ass!! I want to see these two rotting in jail, officer!!
GUARD: (nervous) Ma'am, I'm just a security guard…
GALAXIA: (pouting) Hey, I didn't do anything!
JESSE: (ticked; hands on hips) Hey, you old bat, he said it was a mistake!
NURSE JOY: Why you—I'LL KILL YOU!!!
GUARD: (sigh) Okay, Miss Joy. Time to take you back to the "Center"…
NURSE JOY: (getting dragged off) No, wait!! I didn't mean it!! I'm sorry!! Please don't make me go back there!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!
GUARD: Jeez, this is the second Joy this week to be carted off to the nut house…
GALAXIA: Why did you have to do that?
JESSE: I didn't do anything! The woman was a nut! (sigh) Damn! Now we can't get Flareon fixed!
GALAXIA: YAY!!
JESSE: WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?!?!!!
GALAXIA: (cringing) Well, now I can use the money from the operation to go shopping…
JESSE: YOU MORO—hmm, that sounds like a good idea. Let's get out of here.
GALAXIA: Yay! (thoughtful) By the way, Jess, I still wanna' know why Flareon was howling outside your door the other night…
JESSE: No you don't…
GALAXIA: No, I'm really curious.
JESSE: Just shut up.
GALAXIA: Come on, Jesse! I really wanna' know!! I'm gonna' get really worried if Flareon starts going after girls!
JESSE: Believe me, that's not it…
GALAXIA: Then what is it? What else could it—
JESSE: DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU SHOPPING OR NOT?!!
GALAXIA: (whining) Jeeeesssseeeeeee…!!
Scene III
(James, Neko, Meowth, Evil Bear-mon and James' and Neko's Pokémon are in the hideout kitchen eating Chinese food)
NEKO: I want more egg-fu-young; what should I do?
JAMES: (squinting like Brock) Put it in a bowl.
MEOWTH: Shut up!
NEKO: (snicker) My sink keeps leaking; what should I do?
JAMES: (still squinting) Put it in a bowl!
MEOWTH: Shut up!!
NEKO: (shouting) I can't find my hamster; what should I do?!
JAMES: PUT IT IN A BOWL!!
MEOWTH: STOP IT WITH THE BOWL CRAP!!!
EVIL BEAR-MON: Evil evil evil; eve?
JAMES & NEKO: PUT IT IN A BOWL!!
MEOWTH: AAARRRRGGGH!!!! (smashes his bowl over James' head) Now you're in a bowl, damnit!
JAMES: (noodles dripping down his face) Hey, that's a good one Meowth!
MEOWTH: (smashes his head against the table) Damn…you…
WEEZING: Wee?
VICTREEBELL: Eeeee! (attempts to swallow James' head)
JAMES: AAAGGGH!!!
NEKO: Bad Victreebell! No more Chinese for you!
(Victreebell mopes a little then let's James go)
MEOWTH: I think Victreebell was as tired of da bowl cracks as I was.
JAMES: Meowth, don't be such a party pooper!
MEOWTH: I am not a party pooper!
NEKO: Party pooper!
MEOWTH: Aw, shaddup!
RAICHU: Rai, rai, rai. Rai, rai.
GASTLY: (nodding) Gas, gastly!
MEOWTH: (suspicious) Hey, what'd da rat just say?
NEKO: James, what are we going to do now?
JAMES: I don't know. What do you want to do?
MEOWTH: Please don't start dat!
JAMES: Start what?
NEKO: You wanna' go to the beach?
JAMES: It looks like a storm.
NEKO: The carnival?
MEOWTH: Da carnival left.
NEKO: (weeping) Is there nothing to do?!!
JAMES: We could make origami!
MEOWTH: AGH!! I HATE ORIGAMI!! ORIGAMI IS EVIL—MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!
JAMES: Oh, I forgot. The Black Ninja makes origami.
MEOWTH: AGH, THE BLACK NINJA!! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!
NEKO: I think you shouldn't mention him either.
JAMES: Oh. Yeah.
VICTREEBELL: Eeeee! (swallows the kitchen table)
NEKO: I know what we can do. (grabs James by the arm) Come on, let's go!
JAMES: Go where? And what are we doing?
NEKO: You'll see. Now let's see…we're going to need some scissors, some glue, and a Goodwill.
JAMES: What kind of idea is this?!
Scene IV
(Jesse and Galaxia are getting home from shopping)
GALAXIA: You're not mad, are you?
JESSE: Mad? About what?
GALAXIA: Well…I spent all my money.
JESSE: So. It's not my money.
GALAXIA: Well as long as you're not mad that I spent all of my money and can't afford to get Flareon fixed now…
JESSE: AAAAGGGHHH!!! NOOO!!!
GALAXIA: (pout) I thought you'd be mad.
JESSE: WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!! WHERE'S THE TABLE?!?!!
GALAXIA: Oh, good! You weren't mad about that!
JESSE: Mad about what?
GALAXIA: Nothing. Look at all the Chinese food!!
JESSE: Damnit James, where are you?!
JAMES: (poking his head around the door) Oh, you're home!
JESSE: James, who did this?!
JAMES: Um, radioactive Chinese acrobatic pandas?
GALAXIA: They really do exist!
JESSE: (pissed) James, you'd better get in here right now and—
JAMES: Just a second, Jess! We've got something to show you guys!
JESSE: We?
NEKO: (from the living room) Hit the lights, Meowth!
GALAXIA: Ooh, it's some kind of show!
JESSE: What's going on…?
(Jesse and Galaxia go into the living room where a stage has been set up)
GALAXIA: How exciting!
JESSE: What are you twits doing?
(A spotlight appears over James and Neko on stage; the two are dressed in suit and gown, respectively)
NEKO: Ladies and…uh…ladies!! Welcome to Neko-chan and James' All-star Variety Hour!!
JAMES: Featuring (striking a pose) the dashing James!
JESSE: Oh brother…
NEKO: The amazing Neko-chan! (strikes an impressive pose)
JAMES: As well as their Pokémon!
GALAXIA: (clapping) Yay!
NEKO: And now—
MEOWTH: (offstage) Hey, what about me?!
JAMES: Shut up, you're just the stage-hand!
MEOWTH: Well I quit!
NEKO: (hissing) Meowth, shut up! You're ruining the show! (throws a shoe at him)
MEOWTH: OW!!
JAMES: Now, as we were saying before we were so rudely interrupted…
NEKO: We present to you "The Victory of Team Rocket"!
JAMES: As performed by Weezing!
NEKO: Victreebell!
JAMES: Raichu and Chan-saw!
NEKO: And featuring Evil Bear-mon as Pikachu, and Gastly as Meowth!
MEOWTH: (offstage) This is stupid! Why can't I play myself, you morons?!
JAMES: Because it wouldn't be a play then, duh!
JESSE: (moan) When is this over?
NEKO: (haughty) Quiet in the wings, please!
(The curtains open to reveal a hastily painted forest background and the Pokémon. Chan-saw and Raichu are dressed as Jesse and James, Victreebell is dressed as Ash, and Weezing is dressed as Misty (complete w/wig and ponytail). Evil Bear-mon is wearing cardboard Pikachu ears with his cheeks painted red and a cardboard tail. Gastly is disguised as a creepy looking Meowth)
(Galaxia bursts out laughing)
JESSE: Maybe if I close my eyes it will all go away…
ASH/VICTREEBELL: (voiced by Neko) I am Ash Ketchum! I want to be the greatest Pokémon Master in the world! Ya-tada-da! (strikes an "Ash" pose)
MISTY/WEEZING: (voiced by James) Oh Ash! You're so stupid but I love you! (reluctantly kisses "Ash" on the head)
JESSE/CHAN-SAW: (voiced by Neko) Stop revolting us with your sappy woos talk, twerps and hand over Pikachu!
GALAXIA: Wow, she sounds just like you, Jesse!
JESSE: Why am I being played by a fat Pokémon?!
PIKACHU/E.BEAR: (lackluster) Pika. Chu.
ASH/VICTREEBELL: Never, Team Rocket! You're evil and I'm going to beat you! (attempts to swallow Weezing)
MISTY/WEEZING: Oh, Ash! You're so brave! (poison gases Victreebell to get him off of his head)
JAMES/RAICHU: (voiced by James) Not so fast, Brat! We have the perfect plan this time!
MISTY/WEEZING: (gasp) No! Ash, save us!
JESSE/CHAN-SAW: (evil laughter)
JESSE: Ooh, you're right. She is good.
MEOWTH/GASTLY: (imitating Meowth's voice) No one can save you now, twerps! Hand ova' da Pikachu and perhaps we'll spare your lives!
MEOWTH: (offstage) That sounds nothing like me!
GALAXIA: Meowth, quit interrupting!
ASH/VICTREEBELL: (gasp) You monsters! Never!! I will fight you!
JAMES/RAICHU: Not if I…steal your Pokémon! (Raichu walks over and steals Victreebell's belt)
ASH/VICTREEBELL: Oh no! There is no hope now! (tries to eat Raichu)
JAMES: (offstage) Victreebell, that's not really me!
JESSE: We really need to have that Pokémon checked…
JESSE/CHAN-SAW: Now we have all your Pokémon brat! You are helpless! (evil laughter) And now we will destroy you with our secret weapon!
MISTY/WEEZING: Secret weapon?! Oh no!
JAMES/RAICHU: You will never survive! Hand over Pikachu!
PIKACHU/E.BEAR: (walks towards "Team Rocket") Pika pi.
ASH/VICTREEBELL: Pikachu, no! Don't give up!
JESSE/CHAN-SAW: (chuckle) But it's hopeless, boy! Now we have Pikachu and all your Pokémon—
JAMES/RAICHU: …And now we will have our revenge!
(Raichu, Chan-saw and Gastly throw back their heads in evil laughter)
JESSE: Maybe I'm starting to like this play.
GALAXIA: (excited) Come on! What's the secret weapon?!!
ASH/VICTREEBELL: (defeated) You have me, Team Rocket. You're too smart for me. I give up.
MISTY/WEEZING: Me too! You're all so scary!
JESSE: Awe, man! They surrendered! I wanted to see them get killed!
JESSE/CHAN-SAW: (evil laughter) Too late! Team Rocket doesn't play by the rules!
MEOWTH/GASTLY: We're gonna' destroy you anyway!
GALAXIA: Yay!
JESSE: Ya-hoo!
JAMES/RAICHU: Fire the secret weapon!
(A cardboard cannon is pushed on stage and pretends to fire. A handful of Teletubbie stuffed animals fly out of the cannon onto Victreebell and Weezing)
ASH/VICTREEBELL: (pretending to die) Agh! No, we're dying!
MISTY/WEEZING: Team Rocket…you fight…dirty!! (gurgling noises)
MEOWTH/GASTLY: Da enemy has been destroyed!
GALAXIA: (clapping) YAY!!
JESSE: YA-HOO!! WAY TA GO!
NEKO: (offstage) And Team Rocket lived happily ever after!
JAMES/RAICHU: Jesse! I must confess my feelings for you!
JESSE/CHAN-SAW: Oh, James! I wanna' have your baby! (pretends to kiss Raichu)
JESSE: WHA—?!?!!
GALAXIA: (making a face) Eeeeww. Pokémon kissing!
NEKO: (whispering) They're not really kissing! (out loud) THE END!!
(The curtains close)
JAMES: Neko, I don't remember that part in the story!
NEKO: I added it when you were busy making costumes.
GALAXIA: I loved your play, you guys! (making a face) Though the ending was a little gross…
JAMES: Why didn't you tell me?! I would have edited it out!
NEKO: That's why I didn't tell you.
JESSE: What the hell was that ending suppose to imply?!
JAMES: (nervous) Nothing! It was just a play! Besides, she wrote it!
NEKO: Now chill out Jesse…I was only—
JESSE: Chill out?! Oh yeah?! (dives on Neko)
GALAXIA: I still liked it.
JAMES: (pout) We didn't get to finish the rest of the show!
MEOWTH: (walking up to Gastly) What kind of half-assed acting was dat, ya numbskull?! You call yourself a Meowth?!
GASTLY: (still as a Meowth) Yeah! You wanna' make sompin' of it?!
MEOWTH: Dat's it, wise guy! I'll teach youse ta mock me!! (dives on Gastly but hits the ground as he disappears)
GASTLY: (reappearing behind Meowth) Gastly! Gastly, gastly!
EVIL BEAR-MON: Pika. Chu.
END EPISODE SIX
