(7/5/00 & 7/10/00) Episode #6: All the World's a Stage

CHARACTERS:

JAMES

JESSE

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

EVIL BEAR-MON

CHAN-SAW

WEEZING

VICTREEBELL

RAICHU

GASTLY

another crazy NURSE JOY imposter

and a SECURITY GUARD

plus the cast of Scooby-Doo

Scene I

(James, Meowth, Neko-chan and Evil Bear-mon are watching television in the hideout's living room)

JAMES: You're making that up!

MEOWTH: No ahm not!  It's true, I swear!

JAMES: That's crazy!

MEOWTH: But it's da truth.

JAMES: Scooby-Doo used to be a porn?!?  Get real!

MEOWTH: (irritated) It is real, moron!  I heard it from very reliable sources!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Evil.  E-viiiil.

JAMES: WHAT?!?

MEOWTH: See!  Told ya I wasn't lyin'!  (slashes James)

NEKO: (thinking out loud) I hate Scrappy-Doo.

JAMES: That's disgusting!!  (thoughtful) But it does explain why Fred was always pairing up with Daphne…

MEOWTH: Oh, blech!  Now you're grossin' me out!

NEKO: (still talking to herself) I really hate Scrappy-Doo.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Evil.  Eee-eevil, evil, evil.

JAMES: Hey, you're right!  Shaggy does say 'like' a lot!

NEKO: God, I hate Scrappy-Doo.

JAMES: …and he eats a lot too.  That reminds me—I haven't had lunch…

(On the TV, Shaggy and Scooby scream in terror and run into a diner where they start eating)

MEOWTH: You know, Shaggy reminds me of someone…

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eeevil.

JAMES: You said it!  We should order Chinese!

MEOWTH: Now I know.

NEKO: (jumping up) Who else here hates Scrappy-Doo?!

JAMES: Me.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eev.

MEOWTH: Mee-owth.  I hate dogs…

JAMES: Where's the number for Leon Chin's?

NEKO: They should have a freak accident and kill him off some how…

JAMES: (whining) I can't find the phone book!  Who stole the phone book?!

NEKO: …lightning storm or disastrous typhoon, I think.  Or maybe a wood-chipper accident.

JAMES: Why is the 'take-out' section missing from the yellow pages?!

NEKO: That's it!  I'm starting a campaign to kill Scrappy-Doo off of the show!  Where's my black market auto-dialer?

JAMES: I WANT CHINESE, DAMNIT!!  I WANT CHINESE!!!

MEOWTH: (to E.B.) I think we're da only normal ones here.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Eev.

NEKO: How about that place downtown who's number's on the fridge?  They do take-out.

JAMES: (crying) But I want it "in a bowl"!!

Scene II

(Jesse and Galaxia are down at the PokéCenter)

GALAXIA: I really hate having to do this, but it's the only way.

JESSE: Yeah, I'll kick you out of the house if you don't do it!

GALAXIA: (cringe) Eek, don't hurt me!  Why do you care so much all of a sudden anyway?

JESSE: What do you mean "all of a sudden"?!  I always hated your Flareon running around humping things and howling to be let out in the middle of the night!

GALAXIA: Humping James, you mean.  She's female—she doesn't hump objects.

JESSE: (grumbling) Oh whatever.  James, objects; what's the difference?

GALAXIA: (confused) Uh…???

JESSE: Exactly.

GALAXIA: Well, aaaaanyway…speaking of howling, why was Flareon howling at your door the other night?  Doesn't she usually howl at James' door?

JESSE: (impatient) Are you going to get that damn thing fixed or not?!

GALAXIA: Well yes, but you didn't answer my—

JESSE: (shoving her towards the front desk) Chop, chop, time's a wasting!

NURSE JOY: Finally!  I was about to have you two thrown out for loitering!  So, what do you want?

GALAXIA: Uh, I—

JESSE: You're not Nurse Joy!

NURSE JOY: Of course I am.  Read the sign, Red.

GALAXIA: I don't remember Nurse Joy having facial hair…

JESSE: Okay, buddy, what did you do with the real Nurse Joy?!

NURSE JOY: I told you miss, I am Nurse Joy!  Now are you going let me help your Pokémon or am I going to have to have you thrown out?!

JESSE: I'm not giving you my Pokémon until you show me I.D.!

GALAXIA: Jesse, maybe she's telling the truth…

JESSE: SHE?!?  That's the worst guy in drag I've ever seen!!

NURSE JOY: HEY!!

JESSE: Alright buddy, enough with the crappy wig and crooked lipstick!!  (grabbing Joy by the collar) MY PARTNER MAKES A BETTER WOMAN THAN YOU DO!!!!

GALAXIA: (whining) Jesse, people are staring!

NURSE JOY: (shrieking) AGH HELP, POLICE, HELP!!!  SOMEBODY!!!

JESSE: YOU UGLY CROSS-DRESSING PHONY, LET NURSE JOY GO, DAMNIT!!!!!

SECURITY GUARD: Hey, hey!  What do you think you're doing?!  Let Nurse Joy go!

NURSE JOY: (gurgling noises)

JESSE: YOU MORON, CAN'T YOU SEE THIS IS A MAN?!?!  (tries to take Joy's hair off)  Damnit…come…off!!!  Why won't it…come…off?!?!!

NURSE JOY: BECAUSE IT'S REAL, YOU NEUROTIC PSYCOPATH!!  SECURITY, GET THIS WOMAN OFF OF ME!!!

GUARD: Of course, ma'am!  (drags Jesse off of Joy)

GALAXIA: (diving on the security guard) Let go of her you filthy pig!!  Let her go!!  You're not arresting my friend!!

GUARD: Ow, ow!!  Now there's two psychos!!

JESSE: (dryly) Galaxia, get off of the security guard.

GALAXIA: (blink) Oh.  He let you go.  (leaves the guard alone)

GUARD: (moan) Owwwiiee…

GALAXIA: Sorry!

GUARD: (groan) Now why were you attacking Nurse Joy, young lady?

JESSE: (furious) THAT'S NOT NURSE JOY!!!  CAN'T YOU TELL A MAN IN DRAG WHEN YOU SEE ONE, YOU HALF-WITTED FOOL?!?!!

GUARD: (dryly) For your information, Miss Joy is not a man in drag.  She is the great-aunt of the Nurse Joy who usually runs this PokéCenter.

JESSE: (getting those blue lines) Ah…ah ha ha…

GALAXIA: I told you she was telling the truth.

NURSE JOY: (huffy) I have never been so insulted in my life!!  The nerve!!

SECURITY GUARD: Calm down, Miss Joy.  It was an honest mistake.

NURSE JOY: Honest mistake my ass!!  I want to see these two rotting in jail, officer!!

GUARD: (nervous) Ma'am, I'm just a security guard…

GALAXIA: (pouting) Hey, I didn't do anything!

JESSE: (ticked; hands on hips) Hey, you old bat, he said it was a mistake!

NURSE JOY: Why you—I'LL KILL YOU!!!

GUARD: (sigh) Okay, Miss Joy.  Time to take you back to the "Center"…

NURSE JOY: (getting dragged off) No, wait!!  I didn't mean it!!  I'm sorry!!  Please don't make me go back there!!!  NOOOOOOO!!!!!

GUARD: Jeez, this is the second Joy this week to be carted off to the nut house…

GALAXIA: Why did you have to do that?

JESSE: I didn't do anything!  The woman was a nut!  (sigh) Damn!  Now we can't get Flareon fixed!

GALAXIA: YAY!!

JESSE: WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?!?!!!

GALAXIA: (cringing) Well, now I can use the money from the operation to go shopping…

JESSE: YOU MORO—hmm, that sounds like a good idea.  Let's get out of here.

GALAXIA: Yay!  (thoughtful) By the way, Jess, I still wanna' know why Flareon was howling outside your door the other night…

JESSE: No you don't…

GALAXIA: No, I'm really curious.

JESSE: Just shut up.

GALAXIA: Come on, Jesse!  I really wanna' know!!  I'm gonna' get really worried if Flareon starts going after girls!

JESSE: Believe me, that's not it…

GALAXIA: Then what is it?  What else could it—

JESSE: DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOU SHOPPING OR NOT?!!

GALAXIA: (whining) Jeeeesssseeeeeee…!!

Scene III

(James, Neko, Meowth, Evil Bear-mon and James' and Neko's Pokémon are in the hideout kitchen eating Chinese food)

NEKO: I want more egg-fu-young; what should I do?

JAMES: (squinting like Brock) Put it in a bowl.

MEOWTH: Shut up!

NEKO: (snicker) My sink keeps leaking; what should I do?

JAMES: (still squinting) Put it in a bowl!

MEOWTH: Shut up!!

NEKO: (shouting) I can't find my hamster; what should I do?!

JAMES: PUT IT IN A BOWL!!

MEOWTH: STOP IT WITH THE BOWL CRAP!!!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Evil evil evil; eve?

JAMES & NEKO: PUT IT IN A BOWL!!

MEOWTH: AAARRRRGGGH!!!! (smashes his bowl over James' head)  Now you're in a bowl, damnit!

JAMES: (noodles dripping down his face) Hey, that's a good one Meowth!

MEOWTH: (smashes his head against the table)  Damn…you…

WEEZING: Wee?

VICTREEBELL: Eeeee!  (attempts to swallow James' head)

JAMES: AAAGGGH!!!

NEKO: Bad Victreebell!  No more Chinese for you!

(Victreebell mopes a little then let's James go)

MEOWTH: I think Victreebell was as tired of da bowl cracks as I was.

JAMES: Meowth, don't be such a party pooper!

MEOWTH: I am not a party pooper!

NEKO: Party pooper!

MEOWTH: Aw, shaddup!

RAICHU: Rai, rai, rai.  Rai, rai.

GASTLY: (nodding) Gas, gastly!

MEOWTH: (suspicious) Hey, what'd da rat just say?

NEKO: James, what are we going to do now?

JAMES: I don't know.  What do you want to do?

MEOWTH: Please don't start dat!

JAMES: Start what?

NEKO: You wanna' go to the beach?

JAMES: It looks like a storm.

NEKO: The carnival?

MEOWTH: Da carnival left.

NEKO: (weeping) Is there nothing to do?!!

JAMES: We could make origami!

MEOWTH: AGH!!  I HATE ORIGAMI!!  ORIGAMI IS EVIL—MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!

JAMES: Oh, I forgot.  The Black Ninja makes origami.

MEOWTH: AGH, THE BLACK NINJA!!  MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!

NEKO: I think you shouldn't mention him either.

JAMES: Oh.  Yeah.

VICTREEBELL: Eeeee! (swallows the kitchen table)

NEKO: I know what we can do.  (grabs James by the arm) Come on, let's go!

JAMES: Go where?  And what are we doing?

NEKO: You'll see.  Now let's see…we're going to need some scissors, some glue, and a Goodwill.

JAMES: What kind of idea is this?!

Scene IV

(Jesse and Galaxia are getting home from shopping)

GALAXIA: You're not mad, are you?

JESSE: Mad?  About what?

GALAXIA: Well…I spent all my money.

JESSE: So.  It's not my money.

GALAXIA: Well as long as you're not mad that I spent all of my money and can't afford to get Flareon fixed now…

JESSE: AAAAGGGHHH!!!  NOOO!!!

GALAXIA: (pout) I thought you'd be mad.

JESSE: WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!!  WHERE'S THE TABLE?!?!!

GALAXIA: Oh, good!  You weren't mad about that!

JESSE: Mad about what?

GALAXIA: Nothing.  Look at all the Chinese food!!

JESSE: Damnit James, where are you?!

JAMES: (poking his head around the door) Oh, you're home!

JESSE: James, who did this?!

JAMES: Um, radioactive Chinese acrobatic pandas?

GALAXIA: They really do exist!

JESSE: (pissed) James, you'd better get in here right now and—

JAMES: Just a second, Jess!  We've got something to show you guys!

JESSE: We?

NEKO: (from the living room) Hit the lights, Meowth!

GALAXIA: Ooh, it's some kind of show!

JESSE: What's going on…?

(Jesse and Galaxia go into the living room where a stage has been set up)

GALAXIA: How exciting!

JESSE: What are you twits doing?

(A spotlight appears over James and Neko on stage; the two are dressed in suit and gown, respectively)

NEKO: Ladies and…uh…ladies!!  Welcome to Neko-chan and James' All-star Variety Hour!!

JAMES: Featuring (striking a pose) the dashing James!

JESSE: Oh brother…

NEKO: The amazing Neko-chan! (strikes an impressive pose)

JAMES: As well as their Pokémon!

GALAXIA: (clapping) Yay!

NEKO: And now—

MEOWTH: (offstage) Hey, what about me?!

JAMES: Shut up, you're just the stage-hand!

MEOWTH: Well I quit!

NEKO: (hissing) Meowth, shut up!  You're ruining the show!  (throws a shoe at him)

MEOWTH: OW!!

JAMES: Now, as we were saying before we were so rudely interrupted…

NEKO: We present to you "The Victory of Team Rocket"!

JAMES: As performed by Weezing!

NEKO: Victreebell!

JAMES: Raichu and Chan-saw!

NEKO: And featuring Evil Bear-mon as Pikachu, and Gastly as Meowth!

MEOWTH: (offstage) This is stupid!  Why can't I play myself, you morons?!

JAMES: Because it wouldn't be a play then, duh!

JESSE: (moan) When is this over?

NEKO: (haughty) Quiet in the wings, please!

(The curtains open to reveal a hastily painted forest background and the Pokémon.  Chan-saw and Raichu are dressed as Jesse and James, Victreebell is dressed as Ash, and Weezing is dressed as Misty (complete w/wig and ponytail).  Evil Bear-mon is wearing cardboard Pikachu ears with his cheeks painted red and a cardboard tail.  Gastly is disguised as a creepy looking Meowth)

(Galaxia bursts out laughing)

JESSE: Maybe if I close my eyes it will all go away…

ASH/VICTREEBELL: (voiced by Neko) I am Ash Ketchum!  I want to be the greatest Pokémon Master in the world!  Ya-tada-da!  (strikes an "Ash" pose)

MISTY/WEEZING: (voiced by James) Oh Ash!  You're so stupid but I love you!  (reluctantly kisses "Ash" on the head)

JESSE/CHAN-SAW: (voiced by Neko) Stop revolting us with your sappy woos talk, twerps and hand over Pikachu!

GALAXIA: Wow, she sounds just like you, Jesse!

JESSE: Why am I being played by a fat Pokémon?!

PIKACHU/E.BEAR: (lackluster) Pika.  Chu.

ASH/VICTREEBELL: Never, Team Rocket!  You're evil and I'm going to beat you!  (attempts to swallow Weezing)

MISTY/WEEZING: Oh, Ash!  You're so brave!  (poison gases Victreebell to get him off of his head)

JAMES/RAICHU: (voiced by James) Not so fast, Brat!  We have the perfect plan this time!

MISTY/WEEZING: (gasp) No!  Ash, save us!

JESSE/CHAN-SAW: (evil laughter)

JESSE: Ooh, you're right.  She is good.

MEOWTH/GASTLY: (imitating Meowth's voice) No one can save you now, twerps!  Hand ova' da Pikachu and perhaps we'll spare your lives!

MEOWTH: (offstage) That sounds nothing like me!

GALAXIA: Meowth, quit interrupting!

ASH/VICTREEBELL: (gasp) You monsters!  Never!!  I will fight you!

JAMES/RAICHU: Not if I…steal your Pokémon!  (Raichu walks over and steals Victreebell's belt)

ASH/VICTREEBELL: Oh no!  There is no hope now!  (tries to eat Raichu)

JAMES: (offstage) Victreebell, that's not really me!

JESSE: We really need to have that Pokémon checked…

JESSE/CHAN-SAW: Now we have all your Pokémon brat!  You are helpless!  (evil laughter) And now we will destroy you with our secret weapon!

MISTY/WEEZING: Secret weapon?!  Oh no!

JAMES/RAICHU: You will never survive!  Hand over Pikachu!

PIKACHU/E.BEAR: (walks towards "Team Rocket") Pika pi.

ASH/VICTREEBELL: Pikachu, no!  Don't give up!

JESSE/CHAN-SAW: (chuckle) But it's hopeless, boy!  Now we have Pikachu and all your Pokémon—

JAMES/RAICHU: …And now we will have our revenge!

(Raichu, Chan-saw and Gastly throw back their heads in evil laughter)

JESSE: Maybe I'm starting to like this play.

GALAXIA: (excited) Come on!  What's the secret weapon?!!

ASH/VICTREEBELL: (defeated) You have me, Team Rocket.  You're too smart for me.  I give up.

MISTY/WEEZING: Me too!  You're all so scary!

JESSE: Awe, man!  They surrendered!  I wanted to see them get killed!

JESSE/CHAN-SAW: (evil laughter) Too late!  Team Rocket doesn't play by the rules!

MEOWTH/GASTLY: We're gonna' destroy you anyway!

GALAXIA: Yay!

JESSE: Ya-hoo!

JAMES/RAICHU: Fire the secret weapon!

(A cardboard cannon is pushed on stage and pretends to fire.  A handful of Teletubbie stuffed animals fly out of the cannon onto Victreebell and Weezing)

ASH/VICTREEBELL: (pretending to die) Agh!  No, we're dying!

MISTY/WEEZING: Team Rocket…you fight…dirty!!  (gurgling noises)

MEOWTH/GASTLY: Da enemy has been destroyed!

GALAXIA: (clapping) YAY!!

JESSE: YA-HOO!!  WAY TA GO!

NEKO: (offstage) And Team Rocket lived happily ever after!

JAMES/RAICHU: Jesse!  I must confess my feelings for you!

JESSE/CHAN-SAW: Oh, James!  I wanna' have your baby!  (pretends to kiss Raichu)

JESSE: WHA—?!?!!

GALAXIA: (making a face) Eeeeww. Pokémon kissing!

NEKO: (whispering) They're not really kissing!  (out loud) THE END!!

(The curtains close)

JAMES: Neko, I don't remember that part in the story!

NEKO: I added it when you were busy making costumes.

GALAXIA: I loved your play, you guys!  (making a face) Though the ending was a little gross…

JAMES: Why didn't you tell me?!  I would have edited it out!

NEKO: That's why I didn't tell you.

JESSE: What the hell was that ending suppose to imply?!

JAMES: (nervous) Nothing!  It was just a play!  Besides, she wrote it!

NEKO: Now chill out Jesse…I was only—

JESSE: Chill out?!  Oh yeah?!  (dives on Neko)

GALAXIA: I still liked it.

JAMES: (pout) We didn't get to finish the rest of the show!

MEOWTH: (walking up to Gastly) What kind of half-assed acting was dat, ya numbskull?!  You call yourself a Meowth?!

GASTLY: (still as a Meowth) Yeah!  You wanna' make sompin' of it?!

MEOWTH: Dat's it, wise guy!  I'll teach youse ta mock me!!  (dives on Gastly but hits the ground as he disappears)

GASTLY: (reappearing behind Meowth) Gastly!  Gastly, gastly!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Pika.  Chu.

END EPISODE SIX