(7/13/00-7/16/00) Episode #7: Just Call Me, Little Nyasu!
CHARACTERS:
JAMES
JESSE
MEOWTH
NEKO-CHAN
ARBOK
RAICHU
BUTCH
CASSIDY
WASHU (from Tenchi Muyo!)
plus some PRISON GUARDS, a SEARCH party, some attack dogs, a Mexican jail GUARD, some illegal alien MEXICAN GUY, a grocery snatching old lady, a CASHIER, BATMAN and Robin, their butler ALFRED, the Batmobile, a copy of Cosmopolitan, and a partridge in a pear tree! (j/k—about the last one)
Scene I
(A large high-security prison. It's night—searchlights crisscross the grounds as sirens fill the air)
PRISON GUARD: Hurry! They've escaped!
GUARD 2: Form a search party—they couldn't have gotten far!
(As the men scramble across the woods in a wild man-hunt, two shadows detach themselves from the outer wall and slip unnoticed into the woods)
SHADOW 1: The place is crawling with guards! We'll never make it!
SHADOW 2: Don't give up! Freedom is just over that hill! Let's make a run for it!
(The two shadows dash out of the cover of trees towards the hill and into the light, revealing themselves to be the Team Rocket members Butch and Cassidy. Suddenly, they freeze as searchlights hits them)
SEARCHER: They're they are! On the hill!
GUARD 3: Release the hounds! Don't let them get away!
BUTCH & CASSIDY: (blink) … AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
(Cassidy turns to Butch suddenly and—)
CASSIDY: Hey! Snap out of it!
BUTCH: Huh?
(Butch shakes his head and the high-security prison disappears. It is replaced by a tiny, rat-infested cell in a ramshackle little jail in the middle of a Mexican nowhere)
CASSIDY: Would you quit daydreaming over there and help me finish tunneling out of here?!
BUTCH: Okay.
(The two finish the tunnel and emerge on the outside of the cell)
CASSIDY: Finally! We're out of that rat-infested foreign nightmare!
BUTCH: Yagh! Be quiet, the guard's gonna' here us!
CASSIDY: Oh, pish! The guard could care less! (waves for the guard's attention) Oh Mr. Guard! Yoo-hoo! We tunneled out of our cell and now we're escaping across the border!
BUTCH: (turning blue) Aaagh!!
GUARD: Huh? Oh, si, bien. Adios muchachos. (under his breath) And good riddance…
CASSIDY: See? What I tell you?
BUTCH: (sigh) So much for the great Team Rocket. We don't even get searchlights or search parties. Not even attack dogs.
CASSIDY: What are you on?
(The two hop a truck to the border)
BUTCH: I hope the Boss doesn't fire us.
CASSIDY: Jess and James get away with far worse and he's never fired them.
BUTCH: But they never got arrested and sent to a Mexican jail in the middle of nowhere.
CASSIDY: Well…they blew up half his gym.
BUTCH: They did? Ooh, you're right. He's definitely not going to fire us for this.
CASSIDY: Speaking of Jess and James, they've got something coming for getting us arrested in the first place!
BUTCH: Twice!
CASSIDY: Right. That's double revenge.
BUTCH: And they tried to steal our Pokémon twice, and they ruined our Breeding Center scam…and the island scam with the Drowzee…and tricked us and humiliated us and butchered our motto and—
CASSIDY: I GET THE POINT YOU DOLT!!! (whacks him over the head)
BUTCH: I was just trying to show how a really big payback was in order.
CASSIDY: To who, the illegal aliens in here?!
MEXICAN GUY: Como esta?
CASSIDY: Shut up!
MEXICAN GUY: Si.
CASSIDY: Do you even understand what I'm saying?
MEXICAN GUY: Si.
CASSIDY: No you don't!
MEXICAN GUY: Si.
CASSIDY: Aaaaargh!
BUTCH: You're going to get eaten alive in the States.
MEXICAN GUY: Si.
CASSIDY: We should have taken the bus.
BUTCH: I thought this was the bus.
(Cassidy whacks him over the head)
Scene II
(We find James and Neko being very bored in the backyard)
JAMES: Join me on the dark side, Luke! Together, we shall rule the galaxy as father and son!
NEKO: No! I'll never join you! (attacks him with a broomstick but James parries the attack with his rake)
JAMES: Then you will die, young Skywalker! (pretends to cut Neko's hand off)
NEKO: Aagh, my hand! The pain, the pain! (ketchup starts spurting from her sleeve where her hand is missing) Aaaagh!
JAMES: Eew, gross!
NEKO: (waving her stump in his face) Bleeeeh!!
JAMES: Come on, you're getting ketchup on my uniform!
NEKO: (still playing) I'll never join you, Darth Vader because I am going to take over the galaxy and rule it by myself, making everyone in the galaxy my slaves!
JAMES: Neko, he never said that.
NEKO: I know, but he should have. (pops her hand back out of her sleeve) We really need to find something better to do.
JAMES: Yeah. (weep) I wish Jesse was here!
NEKO: Don't be a baby.
JAMES: Sorry.
NEKO: Where is she, anyway?
JAMES: I have no idea. I just felt like saying that.
JESSE: Hey, what are you two doing?
JAMES: (bear-hugging her) I found her!
NEKO: I wouldn't exactly call having her walk right into your arms 'finding' her.
(James sticks his tongue out at her)
JESSE: James, please let me go.
JAMES: Sorry.
NEKO: You say that a lot, don't you?
(James sticks his tongue out at her)
JESSE: (brushing herself off) Well, I can see you two are busy being morons again. I'll see you two later.
JAMES: Wait! Where are you going?!
JESSE: Grocery shopping. Why?
NEKO: Oh right! It's your week! Alright, this means it's not my turn for another three weeks!
JAMES: Hey, doesn't that mean it's my turn next week? Aw, damnit!
NEKO: Ha ha ha ha ha!!
JESSE: (sweat drop) I'll see you guys later…(tries to slip away)
JAMES & NEKO: Wait! Take us with you!!
JESSE: Do I really want to subject myself to that…?
JAMES & NEKO: PleasePleasePleasePlease!!
JESSE: Alright. But it's Saturday you guys—that means the stores going to be packed full of vicious housewives and senile old grannies mistaking small children for melons.
JAMES: Um, on second thought, we'll pass…(shudder)
NEKO: I don't want to get my head groped.
JAMES: Someone might mistake it for a watermelon.
(Neko punches him)
JESSE: Okay, I'm leaving now…(sneaks away)
NEKO: Well? What are we gonna' do now?
JAMES: Let's go see what Meowth's been up to.
NEKO: Is he still hiding in the pantry from the Black Ninja?
JAMES: I think so.
NEKO: You just had to mention origami the other day.
JAMES: I wasn't thinking!
(The two go into the kitchen and down into The Pantry, otherwise known as Meowth's Bomb shelter/Secret Lab)
JAMES: Since when did we have a Bat Cave?
NEKO: Since Meowth went insane.
JAMES: Oh. Makes sense.
MEOWTH: What are you two doing down here?
NEKO: Checking to make sure you were still alive.
MEOWTH: Ha ha. Not funny.
JAMES: Where do you keep the Batmobile in this place?
NEKO: Actually, we just wanted to know if you were still hiding from the Black Ninja.
MEOWTH: BLACK NINJA?!!!!?? WHERE?!?!!!
JAMES: Shouldn't have said that.
NEKO: We really need to come up with some kind of code name for that guy.
JAMES: Yep.
MEOWTH: Cripes! Don't scare me like dat!
NEKO: It's your own fault for being so paranoid.
MEOWTH: I am not paranoid!
JAMES: Black Ninja.
MEOWTH: AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!
NEKO: My mistake. You're not paranoid.
JAMES: If paranoid were a lake.
MEOWTH: (panting) Is their a purpose for you two bein' down here or are you just havin' a contest ta see who can make me have a heart attack first?!
NEKO: I think the latter sounds like a good idea.
MEOWTH: Aaaargh!!
JAMES: Um, we just wanted to see what you're doing down here. I've never been in a real Bat Cave before!
MEOWTH: It's not a Bat Cave, you twit!
JAMES: Then who's that guy?
BATMAN: Quick, Robin! To the Batmobile!
(Batman and Robin jump into the Batmobile and drive right through the cave wall. A surprised Arbok and Raichu poke their heads through the hole from outside)
MEOWTH: AAAAAGGH, MY WALL!!!!!
JAMES: Look on the bright side, at least you get a free butler! (takes a cup of tea from the nearby butler) Is this herbal?
(Butler nods)
NEKO: I want some tea!
MEOWTH: (furious) DAT'S IT!! OUT!!! EVERYONE OUT!!
JAMES: But I haven't finished my tea yet! (to the butler) More sugar, Alfred.
NEKO: Can't we just see what you're working on first?
MEOWTH: NO!
JAMES: Aw, come on!
MEOWTH: Will you leave then?
NEKO: Yeah, we'll leave.
MEOWTH: Okay, fine! But you have ta leave right after!
JAMES: Can we take the butler with us?
MEOWTH: Fine. He's not my butler.
JAMES: Yay! (hugs the butler tightly)
ALFRED: Oh God…
MEOWTH: (grumble) Let's get dis over with…
NEKO: Why are you always so cranky?
MEOWTH: I am not always so cranky!
JAMES: You're a big old crank. Have some herbal tea!
MEOWTH: I don't want any herbal tea!
JAMES: Aw, come on! You're going to hurt Alfred's feelings!
MEOWTH: I hate tea! (pause) Do ya have any coffee though?
NEKO: Oh boy!
JAMES: Make sure it's decaf, Alfred.
Scene III
(At the grocery store)
JESSE: (sigh) Why did it have to be my week? Hey! Get your hands out of my cart!
(Chases some old woman off with a frying pan)
JESSE: Jeez, this isn't a store, it's a war zone!
CASHIER: Paper or plastic, ma'am?
JESSE: Um, which one's more environmentally friendly?
CASHIER: Paper.
JESSE: Then give me plastic.
CASHIER: Er, okay…
(A couple rows down…)
CASSIDY: My God, Butch, this isn't a store, it's—
BUTCH: It's a war zone. I know, I know. You've been saying that for the last hour.
CASSIDY: Really? It's been an hour? That's ridiculous, to be in a grocery store that long!
BUTCH: (dryly) I know. You've also been saying that for the last hour.
CASSIDY: Damnit, I'm starting to repeat myself we've been in here so long!
BUTCH: Actually, I think you picked that up in jail.
CASSIDY: Shut up, Butch! HEY LADY, HURRY IT UP, WILL YA?!
BUTCH: I wish you would have left me there.
CASSIDY: Left you where?
BUTCH: Jail, the plane, that illegal immigration truck. Anywhere but here.
CASSIDY: Quit whining, buffoon! HEY, DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM MY CART?!! GET YOUR OWN SALTINES, YOU OLD BAG!!!
(Beats the old woman off with a copy of Cosmopolitan)
CASSIDY: Greedy old witch!
BUTCH: Why can't you just let the poor old lady have the crackers? Maybe she can't reach the shelf they're on.
CASSIDY: Why can't she go bother one of the GAZILLION OTHER CUSTOMERS IN THIS STORE TO HELP HER?!!
BUTCH: Maybe she's mute.
CASSIDY: Maybe you're going to be mute…after I rip out your faulty little voice-box to make you shut up!
BUTCH: I told you, it's a cold!
CASSIDY: Well then buy yourself some lozenges and shut up! HURRY UP PEOPLE!!! PAY FOR YOUR GODDAMN GROCERIES AND GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!!
BUTCH: You really have no patience, sis.
CASSIDY: What are you talking about?! I do too have patience! HEY!! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO COUNT CHANGE, YOU ELEMENTARY SCHOOL DROP-OUT?!?!!
BUTCH: I wanna' go back to jail…
CASSIDY: Butch, what are you whining about now? HEY! Isn't that Jesse over there?!
BUTCH: Uh…huh? Where?
CASSIDY: There, you buffoon, right there!!
BUTCH: Where, Cassidy? I don't see her.
CASSIDY: You moron, she's RIGHT THERE!! The only long-haired redhead wearing a Team Rocket Elite uniform in the whole damn store!!
BUTCH: Oh, you mean the one choking that cashier over there? Now I see her.
CASSIDY: AAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!
(At the other register…)
JESSE: WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY CREDIT CARD WON'T COMPUTE?!?!! OF COURSE IT WILL COMPUTE!!! YOU WILL MAKE IT COMPUTE, DAMNIT!!!!!!
CASHIER: (seeing stars) …y-y-yes, ma'am…!!! …I'm…trying…!!!
JESSE: TRY HARDER!!!!!
(Back with Team: Butch Cassidy…)
BUTCH: (sarcastic) Now where have I seen violence like that before…?
CASSIDY: (shaking him violently) Don't just stand there!! Get over there and intercept her before she can leave the store!!
BUTCH: Aw, why do I have to?
CASSIDY: Because I have to pay for the groceries, duh!
BUTCH: (whining) But Cass, I'm beat! I still have jet-lag from the trip here and we haven't eaten for days! Can't we just go home and sleep for a week and then get our revenge?
CASSIDY: No, because I want it now!
BUTCH: Figures…
CASSIDY: Revenge is a dish best served hot, Butch!
BUTCH: Actually, sis, the phrase goes, "Revenge is a dish best served cold", meaning we should wait.
CASSIDY: Don't correct me, damnit! Besides, what kind of moron would say that? No dish is best served cold—that's what microwaves are for!
BUTCH: Well…perhaps it's a nice potato salad. Or maybe a pasta salad with—
CASSIDY: Would you shut up with the food analogies already?! I want revenge, not lunch!
BUTCH: Well I could really go for some lunch…
(She hits him with the Cosmopolitan)
BUTCH: OW!!
CASSIDY: Do I need to hit you again?!
BUTCH: (grumbling) You were never this abusive before we were deported…
CASSIDY: BUTCH!!
BUTCH: Okay, okay! I'm going! (pause) Hey, wasn't she just over there a minute ago?
CASSIDY: Oh shit, Butch! This is all your fault! (hits him with the magazine again)
BUTCH: We can always get her some other time.
CASSIDY: I hate you.
BUTCH: No you don't. That's just the jet-lag talking.
(Cassidy rams him over with the cart)
BUTCH: Guess not…(groan)
CASSIDY: Hey, where'd the saltines go?!
Scene IV
(Back at Meowth's Bomb shelter/Secret Lab)
NEKO: Cool! And you made it with just a tin can and an old hairdryer?
JAMES: Don't forget the duct tape!
MEOWTH: Dat's right. (proud) Pretty ingenious, huh?
JAMES & NEKO: (sweat drop) Uh…
JAMES: Does it really work?
MEOWTH: (sweat drop) Uh, I don't know…
(James and Neko face fault)
NEKO: (recovering herself) You mean, you haven't even tried it yet?!
JAMES: Somehow I'm not quite so impressed anymore.
MEOWTH: Hey! It'll work! I just haven't tried it yet!
NEKO: Well let's try it now then!
JAMES: Cool, a real time machine! I want to go see the dinosaurs!
NEKO: No, let's go to the future and scare ourselves! (making creepy faces) I am the Ghost of Villains' Past, MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
MEOWTH: (dryly) Youse two 'ave got da brain capacity of five-year-olds.
NEKO: (lofty) Correction! We have the mentality of five-year-olds!
JAMES: (jumping up and down) Can we go now, can we go now?! I wanna' see the dinosaurs!
MEOWTH: Oh boy…Yeah, yeah! Let's get goin'.
NEKO: Okay! What's the spatula for?
MEOWTH: Keepin' morons away from da controls. (starts hitting James with the spatula)
JAMES: OW, OW!! I wasn't going to touch anything, I swear!!
(Meowth turns on the time machine. Suddenly they find themselves in a strange, indoor garden full of floating pillows)
NEKO: Nifty floating pillows! We must be in the future! (jumps on a pillow)
VOICE: Ha! My dimensional vortex worked!
(The three finally notice a short woman with long red hair sitting on a floating pillow across the room. The woman hops down from the pillow, clapping her hands together happily)
LADY: I knew it would work after I worked out a few of the bugs!
MEOWTH: Who da hell are you?
LADY: Call me Little Washu—greatest scientist in the universe! (laughs insanely)
NEKO: (whispering) She must be one of those mad scientists.
WASHU: Affirmative, girlie!
JAMES: Where are the dinosaurs?
ALFRED: Oh God…
JAMES: Hey, the butler came with! (hugs the butler) Make us ice cream sundaes!
MEOWTH: Okay, so it's not a time machine. Now it's a—what did ya call it?
WASHU: A dimensional vortex.
MEOWTH: Yeah. Dat. Well, dat sounds like somethin' dat'll make big bucks…(gets dollar and yen signs in his eyes) Now I just gotta' get back home from…hey, where da hell are we?
WASHU: My dimension, of course.
MEOWTH: What dimension is dat?
WASHU: I have no idea.
MEOWTH: Dat's not helpful.
WASHU: I guess not.
JAMES: OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!!
MEOWTH: What happened ta him?
NEKO: He burnt himself on the hairdryer.
MEOWTH: We gotta' get outta' here.
NEKO: Yeah.
WASHU: Do you have to? I've never seen a talking cat before—couldn't you stay a little longer so I could do some tests on you?
MEOWTH: Agh, no way!!
WASHU: Just a little probing?
MEOWTH: (shaking his invention) How does dis thing work again?!
NEKO: Um, you push the 'On' button, Meowth.
MEOWTH: I knew dat.
NEKO: Obviously you didn't.
MEOWTH: Agree with me or I'll swat you with my spatula.
(Suddenly they're back in Meowth's lab)
NEKO: Let's never do that again.
JAMES: I hate time machines.
MEOWTH: I told you not ta touch it.
JAMES: Do you have any burn ointment?
MEOWTH: (sigh) Guess inventin' somethin' won't make me rich! What a waste! (throws the time machine in a corner)
NEKO: Waste of what? A tin can and a fried hairdryer?
MEOWTH: Duct tape. Dat stuff's so expensive.
JAMES: Would somebody find me some burn ointment please?!
NEKO: Well it wasn't a waste of mental power, that's for sure.
MEOWTH: Are you insultin' my invention?!
JAMES: Hey, where's Alfred?
(Back in Washu's lab…)
WASHU: (sigh) All that time and expensive high-quality parts and all it took was a rusty tin can, an old hairdryer and some duct tape. (sigh) What a waste. Hey, Alfred! Is that ice cream sundae done yet?
ALFRED: (eye roll) Oh God…
Scene V
(Night. Jesse and James are sitting on the porch steps. Jesse is putting ointment on James' burnt hand)
JAMES: Ow, ow! Jesse, it burns!
JESSE: Oh, don't be such a woos!
JAMES: (bites his lip) …mmm…!!
JESSE: See? You can be brave.
JAMES: Don't be mean.
JESSE: Okay, I won't.
JAMES: …I wonder if Batman will be mad that I lost his butler in another dimension.
JESSE: He's a nice guy—he'll understand.
JAMES: I guess…
JESSE: (pats his bandaged hand) There, all done.
JAMES: Good. My lip was starting to hurt.
JESSE: (grins and kisses him) Better?
JAMES: (smiles) Yeah. (frowning) No, no—it still hurts.
JESSE: (shoves him playfully) Do you want us to get caught?
JAMES: (frown) Why does it matter?
JESSE: Because…it does.
JAMES: (hurt) Oh. Okay.
JESSE: Now what's wrong?
JAMES: Nothing. I'm fine. (changing the subject) So, did you have a good day?
JESSE: If you call fighting over produce fun.
JAMES: Depends on the produce.
JESSE: Sometimes you really worry me, you know.
JAMES: And sometimes you really puzzle me.
JESSE: That must be what makes us get along so well. (leans her head on his shoulder) Hmmm…
JAMES: (surprised) I thought you didn't want anyone to suspect anything?
JESSE: And what's so suspicious about leaning on my best friend's shoulder and watching the stars? (mischievous grin)
JAMES: And that is exactly how you puzzle me. (wraps his arm around her and leans his head on hers)
JESSE: Tomorrow we can spend the day together.
JAMES: Alone?
JESSE: Of course.
(The two stare at the stars for awhile)
…
JESSE: Help me think of a scam to get everyone out of the house.
JAMES: Already on it.
END EPISODE SEVEN
