Author's Note: I'm writing this very soon on the heels of the last one. I want to get this story done and over with ASAP! LOL It's not an epic like the other two bloodsuckers I'm working on. Thank goodness! Please, review! It means a lot to me!
Er, okay, I fell asleep in the middle of writing this part and had to come back to it later. I got reviews in the mean time. ~grins~ I meant to post this a few hours after the interlude. Oops. So, since I'm not posting as soon as I wanted I'm making this chapter longer than I intended. Well, thank you to my reviewers Lady Kazune Kikenshi, Naomi Hunter, and Askani Blue! You guys are awesome. Give yourselves a pat on the back for goading me to write faster. This story would have ended with Chapter 1 if not for reviewers like you. ~smooches~
Solace
Caving In
~~~~~@~~~~~
Eriol eagerly tore open the letter from his best friend, hoping against hope that she wouldn't also be begging him to return. Tomoyo had always been the understanding one with the extra serving of compassion to go around. Surely she would know what was behind this madness and would tell him it was okay to stay home if he wanted.
No such luck, of course.
She admitted right away that she had started the letter writing campaign. They really did miss him, and he had so many friends in Tomoeda, she thought that when he had returned last time he would be there to stay, and she was really hurt that he had left. She didn't know what was wrong, but she wanted to be there for him.
He had been gone six months. He heard from various sources that Syaoran had also left and hadn't been back. And really, he didn't have anything holding him in England. It had just been less painful for a while to return. He was starting to think of the old loneliness he had felt here, and realized that either home would contain an empty spot to place his heart in. At least in Tomoeda he would have people who knew him and accepted him for who he was--as Eriol and as the reincarnation of Clow Reed. It was a secret he couldn't share with many, and a secret he only wanted to share with a chosen few. It was also a wall around his heart that he was sure would keep him alone forever.
Well, if he had to be alone, he could at least be alone among friends. He began making preparations to move back and only hoped that when Syaoran did to decide to visit for whatever reason it wouldn't be too painful.
~~~~~@~~~~~
"Meilin-chan, you have to get Syaoran-kun to come back. Guess who is moving back here?"
"Really? Finally? Moving? This is better than I thought!"
"I know! I didn't expect him to come back so soon, but if he's moving back for good that gives you a lot more time to convince Syaoran-kun to come for a visit. This is going to work so well!"
A man's voice from behind Meilin made both conspirators jump. "I don't think it will work so well."
"Syaoran! What are you doing here?"
"Meilin, next time you conspire against me with Daidouji-san you shouldn't use the speaker phone, leave your front door open, and shout so loud. I heard you from the front door."
"Is that who I think it is?" Tomoyo's voice was suddenly much more subdued. "Gomen, Li-kun. Meilin-chan has just been very worried about you."
"Daidouji-san, you are the last person I thought would be trying to help make me happy. Especially after what happened the last time we talked."
"If it helps you to accept my help, Li-kun, you can pretend that I'm just doing this for Meilin-chan. If, on the other hand, you're ready to accept that I'm old enough to not hold grudges against someone Sakura loves like family, you can accept that I'm genuinely concerned about you and Hiiragizawa-kun."
"Fine, you're right. It's just that he is the one that left me and the last thing I want to do is deal with being rejected like that again. I know your hearts are in the right places, but I don't think it will work. Thanks for trying."
Syaoran turned to leave, scowling at the thought of seeing Eriol again, but warmed that he had such good friends. He hadn't been much of a friend to anyone lately, but they were standing behind him anyway.
"Li-kun? Will you come visit anyway? Sakura-chan misses you a lot, and so do I actually. You can catch up with everyone from school and enjoy the weather we've been having. It's beautiful for mid-June."
His shoulders slumped and he stood still. He turned to meet Meilin's pleading eyes and sighed in resignation. "We'll be there soon. Just--don't expect miracles."
He heard a muffled conversation quickly, then Sakura's clear voice rang from the background. "Don't worry Syaoran! It will all work out fine!"
He walked from the room without another word, wanting to believe that Sakura's optimism was warranted, but terrified that he was about to make the biggest mistake of his life.
~~~~~@~~~~~
When the door opened everything looked just as it had when he had fled. That morning came rushing back to Eriol with a pang, but he set the memory aside quickly. Syaoran wasn't here this time. Eriol was at home, and as soon as he slept off the jet lag he would be surrounded by his best friends again. He had to dismiss the ghosts of the past in order to face the future again.
He unpacked those few things that he had taken, showered, and went straight to bed. He was too tired to keep his eyes open, but the thoughts that ran through his mind wouldn't let him sleep. More than once he had wondered if he had overreacted that morning. He had no proof that Syaoran's disgust that morning, his irritation, and his avoiding answering the phone had been a result of the night before. Every night as he drifted to sleep he gave in to the sweet torture of playing "what if" about that day. Usually he conjured sweet images to invoke pleasant dreams. Usually he fell asleep quickly with a happy sigh on his lips as dreams took shape of a happily ever after. He couldn't do that this time. He lost control of the pretend scenario. This time, the answer to "what if Syaoran really didn't hate me?" was not nearly as pleasant as he usually pretended it to be.
His dreams also took on a will of their own, leaving his attempts at lucid dreaming gasping in the dust. Usually it was so simple, so restful, but this time he was in endless turmoil. Two lifetimes of practicing control like this for magic did him no good this time. He knew he wasn't fighting it as hard a he should, he knew that with a true act of will he could put an end to his turmoil, but guilt was finally eroding his precious self control. His return to Tomoeda was going to be cathartic and emotional rather than a true homecoming. He welcomed it. He would finally heal at least, no matter how rough it was. In his dream he finally walked to the edge of the cliff himself instead of being chased off of it. He jumped. He fell.
He didn't wake up. Instead he was caught by someone else.
How am I supposed to heal from the pain of losing him if you keep catching me? I jumped so I could get past this death. I can't keep dying it every night.
The words he said to the mysterious figure made sense to him, but that was just the nature of the dream. The mysterious figure merely shrugged.
What if I don't want you to get past it? What if I don't want you to die this death. What if I want to die with you?
I can't die for you. You have to stop killing me. If you won't let me die this way I'll just find another.
Then I will die by your side.
NO!
The force of the denial finally woke him up. Mid-morning light streamed in through the window across his bed, just missing his face. He stared out at the sky, gasping for breath, absorbing the dream. He could only understand it if he accepted one possibility. Syaoran was in Tomoeda. If he wasn't then it was just a dream he had lost control of because of the jet lag. If Syaoran was here though then the dream took on a whole new meaning.
Wearily, Eriol extended his awareness. He easily found Sakura's bright presence, glowing in his inner eye with her intense magic and true happiness. He could feel her startled awareness of his questing aura, then felt a greeting brush past him. He continued looking, finding his other friends easily and smiling at the warmth they all possessed. They weren't aware of him of course, but he cherished their weaker auras with as much affection as he did anyone else. The last one he found was Meilin. Her bright orange spark had a special significance to him as Clow's reincarnation because she was a descendant of his. The same spark had a special significance for him also as himself because she was Syaoran's cousin. Her being here now was not a coincidence.
He looked harder for Syaoran's aura, but found an empty space that would have meant nothing--if the people around the empty space didn't give it away by interacting with the empty space. They gave away his presence with their own.
Sakura? Was it too much to ask for to have some period of adjustment? A little peace and quiet?
Eriol-san, whatever do you mean?
He simply buried his head under his pillow. They were on their way over to visit him, now that Sakura knew he was home and awake. He had just enough time to shower and get dressed before they arrived.
~~~~~@~~~~~
Syaoran hung back behind the group of giggling girls. He couldn't think of anything more awkward than this particular situation. He was walking with his ex-fiancee, ex-girlfriend, and her girlfriend over to the house of a guy who had broken his heart. It was a stupid idea, the stupidest thing he had ever done after admitting his feelings to Eriol in the first place. And yet...when Sakura and Meilin smiled at him and assured him that it would be fine he could only follow and pray that they knew what they were doing.
Still, when they reached the front gate to Eriol's mansion he couldn't bring himself to walk on to the property. His mind's eye vividly recalled the chain and the empty look of the house the last time he had stood in this spot. His feet grew roots and he shook his head. He even opened his mouth to tell Sakura that he'd try this some other time later in the week, it was too much for right now, but he wasn't given a chance.
"Come on in. All of you." It was Eriol's voice, smooth as ever, touched with a hint of weariness but mostly amused. Mostly.
Syaoran's heart skipped a beat and he felt the blood rush to his face. With a tremendous effort he forced his feet to move forward and try to smile as he looked up. As soon as he saw Eriol's gently smiling face and the dark, mysterious eyes behind his glasses Syaoran felt like he couldn't breathe. The other man's presence hit him like a physical force. The world stood still for a painful moment and Syaoran couldn't decide if he was happier than ever before or miserable than ever.
Sakura was the first in line to throw her arms around Eriol and welcome him back. They smiled together, purely happy to see each other again. Tomoyo was just as enthusiastic in her greeting, telling him how wonderful it was that he had come home again. Meilin smiled a little more shyly, unsure because they had never been as close, but they came to a silent conclusion that a hug would be appropriate.
Syaoran's heart clenched painfully. He walked inside with a quiet "hello" and quickly busied himself with taking his shoes off. An uncomfortable silence settled over them all and Syaoran could almost feel everyone exchanging looks around him. They finally made their way to the dining room--the same dining room they had celebrated in all those years ago after Sakura had converted all the cards.
"Well, this brings back memories! Ne, Sakura-chan? Ne, Li-kun?" Tomoyo smiled enthusiastically at them both.
"Hai," Sakura immediately agreed as Nakuru walked in wearing the identical maid uniform she had worn before.
Syaoran just nodded, but sat on the other side of the table from where he had sat the first time. Meilin sat next to her cousin with a confused smile. "What memories," she asked, feeling a little left out.
Tomoyo and Sakura took turns explaining all that happened ten years ago and how that day had been so much like this one, but it was a farewell instead of a homecoming. Syaoran sat in silence, staring at the cup and saucer Nakuru had placed in front of him. He heard everyone talking so happily around him, but he couldn't even look up to join in with the conversation. He thought of all the differences between this time and that first time he had been in this room. Everyone had been so innocent back then. He had thought that the world's problems would be solved if only Sakura could say she loved him in return. He had thought that Eriol was an evil prick who had done terrible things to the girl of his dreams. He had thought Tomoyo was a silly but sweet girl who would always stand in the shadows and wait. He had thought that there were happily ever afters.
Today he knew better.
"I'm sorry. This was a huge mistake. I can't be here." Syaoran stood suddenly with his announcement, then bolted from the house. He could hear Meilin announcing that she would follow him, but he was already running outside.
He finally let her catch up with him at the park. The same silly, childish penguin slide stood in the middle of the playground, staring at him with eyes only a bit weather worn. Everything was so comfortingly the same and he felt like the world stood still here. This was his safety zone. This was where everything could be solved, resolved, and nothing was too hard to face. A lot had happened here, but this was the place where things always ended happily.
Well, maybe not. Still, it was a comforting place where some of the best parts of his childhood had happened. Being at this park gave him the emotional stability to face Meilin and even give her an apologetic smile.
"Syaoran," she scolded right away. "That was so rude!"
"No Meilin. Showing up there uninvited in the first place was rude. I couldn't take it anymore. I thought I could, but I was wrong."
"But he told you to come in," she argued.
"Of course he did. He's too nice not to. He could never be as...as rude as me." He sighed, shoulders slumping. "I'm sorry Meilin. I wasn't thinking. I let my emotions rule me again, and yet again I made a scene. I'm sorry for embarrassing you, and I'll apologize to Sakura and Tomoyo later too."
She hugged him tightly. "No, I'm sorry Syaoran," she said into his shoulder. "I shouldn't have pushed you to do something when you weren't ready. I just hate seeing you so sad all the time! I hate it! Even when your father died when we were little I hated to see you so sad. You're always sad, and I hate it that I can't do anything to make you happy all the time. You're so handsome when you smile, and you don't do it enough. You haven't smile once all year, and I'm running out of ideas."
Her words touched him deeply. He allowed himself a small smile and pulled her face up to meet his eyes. "Thank you, Meilin. You've always been my best friend. You're the only one who has always been there for me, no matter what."
"I'll be your best friend forever, don't you forget that."
He smiled into her bright brown eyes, caressed her long black hair, and kissed her cheek gently. "We're all grown up and we still don't have anyone else. Do you still want to--"
She stopped him with a laugh then placed a hand over his mouth to keep him from trying again. "Baka. I'm sorry, but you haven't met my qualifications for that anymore. Your heart still belongs to someone else. Besides, that would just be weird now."
"Why do all the girls love me like a brother suddenly? When did it become so hard for everyone to love me?"
Meilin just laughed, walking over to the swings. "Don't worry. Even if Eriol is too much of an idiot to appreciate my Syaoran there will be somebody who will love you like that. You just have to stop being so depressed first!"
He gave her a dark look, then shrugged and joined her on the swings. Maybe she was right, maybe that was the key. He imagined meeting someone just like him walking around depressed all the time and tried to imagine falling in love with someone like that. He wouldn't like someone like that, so why should anyone fall for him if he was like that? His heart was still breaking, but he resolved to be a person he would like himself. Soon it came naturally as Meilin came up with ideas on how to have fun. They played on the playground like children again for hours, just enjoying the nostalgia of being back in Japan together.
~~~~~@~~~~~
Eriol, Sakura, and Tomoyo sat in silence for a long time after Syaoran left. Finally it was Eriol who broke the silence as the calm mask he had so carefully prepared slipped from him. His face fell and agony showed freely for the first time in front of his friends. "He hates me. He's disgusted with me."
"Why would he hate you," Sakura asked with her usual innocence and genuine concern.
"I don't know. He's the one who asked me, and then he didn't want to talk to me and he was so disgusted with me and I don't know why."
"That doesn't make any sense. Meilin said that Syaoran was heartbroken because you left, so why would you think he hates you?"
Eriol recounted for the girls his account of the morning after. He had tried to call, he had tried to see how Syaoran was feeling, and how he had been met by a tangle of self-hate and disgust from the other boy. He told them how he couldn't bring himself to face that in person, and that was why he had left so abruptly. By the time he was finished he was drained and tired, trying to hold back tears that he was afraid would never stop if they got free.
Sakura and Tomoyo exchanged horrified glances. "Tomoyo-chan, it's our fault! This is terrible!"
Tomoyo just looked back at Sakura sadly, holding her girlfriend's hand trying to seek and give comfort at the same time.
Eriol looked back and forth between them, wondering what they could possibly mean.
Tomoyo started to explain, slowly. "That morning Sakura and I had gone shopping. I was trying to cheer her up because she felt so horrible about hurting Syaoran--she had been crying all night long. She said that she thought no one would ever be able to love her after that, after what she had done to him, because it was too horrible. I told her it wasn't true because I loved her. We were hugging in the middle of the toy shop when Syaoran walked around the shelf and I kissed her and he saw it. He was buying a teddy bear and I thought it was for Sakura to try to win her back and I got angry and we had a huge fight."
Sakura nodded along, then added, "He never turns his cellular phone on unless he's making a call. I used to get upset at him about that all the time, and that's why he wouldn't have answered...."
A strange wash of feelings invaded Eriol at that moment. The strongest were horror, relief, frustration, anger, and pure joy. It had been a misunderstanding. He actually pinched himself to check if he was just dreaming this again, but the feel of flesh connecting to flesh and actually inflicting pain told him that this was real. He began to smile when the second wave of emotion hit him like a ton of bricks. He had really messed this up, and Syaoran may not be able to forgive him for running away.
"No wonder he hates me."
Sakura looked confused. "Eriol-kun, I thought we just explained--"
Tomoyo stood suddenly. "This is getting silly. Sakura, we're going home. If Hiiragizawa-kun and Li-kun are happier moping and being depressed over each other instead of talking, there isn't anything else we can do. However, if we stay here and force Hiiragizawa-kun to play host when he should be taking a chance and saying something then we'll never know."
Eriol didn't miss the wink Tomoyo sent his way as she dragged a protesting Sakura out of the room. She was right. It was time to take a chance, and Syaoran was worth any risk in the world to him.
It didn't take long for Eriol to find Syaoran at the park playing with Meilin. He had never seen them looking so carefree and happy, and watching Syaoran with such pure happiness on his face gave Eriol shivers. He watched them for a long time, wishing he could bring himself to join them. He knew that as soon as Syaoran was aware of him the smile would disappear, and he didn't know if it would reappear. Instead, he stayed perched in a tree and watched as long as he could.
Syaoran was chasing Meilin when he suddenly stopped and looked up--right where Eriol had hidden himself. He realized that he had forgotten to hide his aura while he just enjoyed watching them. Cursing himself, he teleported to the base of a closer tree and walked over. Meilin looked startled, then grinned and waved. She walked away, announcing that she'd see them later.
"I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am."
Syaoran stared in silence. He looked stunned and he moved like he wanted to say something, but couldn't quite decide how to respond. He finally blinked a few times and settled on asking, "What?"
"I made the biggest mistake of this lifetime and the last when I left. I was so stupid! I'm sorry. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell you. I understand if you can't forgive me, but I need to try."
A thoughtful frown settled on Syaoran's face, followed by a small tug at the corner of his mouth. His eyes smiled first, followed slowly and cautiously by his mouth. Finally it seemed that Syaoran's entire body was smiling. "Thank you," he said in a husky voice, "It means a lot to me that you don't hate me."
Eriol laughed. "Hate you? I thought you hated me! I couldn't hate you, ever."
"You thought I hated you?" Syaoran laughed too, and together they filled their world with the music of that laughter. "I was hurt and confused, but I haven't hated you since I was a kid. Baka. Why would I have said what I did if I hated you?"
"Forgive me?"
"I will if you forgive me."
"For what?"
"Exactly."
~~~~~@~~~~~
~~~~~@~~~~~
Final note: Yes, I have actually tried pinching myself in my sleep. It's...er...interesting. ~grins~ There will be at least two more chapters and an interlude--but what else do I have to write? You'll see! Please, leave a review and I'll write more ASAP! Thank you!
