Author's Note: Is there really such a thing as "happily ever after"? Well, if there is we haven't reached it yet. The boys have so much to work through still, and all they seem to have agreed upon is that they don't hate each other--that there might be the possibility of more. It's been so sweet getting them this far, but we have more to get past. Thank you to Askani Blue, Lady Kazune Kikenshi, Naomi Hunter, and Six Underground for your reviews so far. Thank you in advance for all the reviews I will get for this. You guys are AWESOME!
Solace
Torn Apart
~~~~~@~~~~~
Syaoran wandered through the gardens of his home, smiling and anticipating showing it all off to Eriol. He was giddy with the prospect of sharing such a part of himself to the other man, finally sharing a piece of his history that had nothing to do with Sakura and the cards. The summer flowers were full and bright and the humid air was heavy with their scent. This was August at home, a time and place with memories so full he couldn't express them without showing some of the deepest aspects of them first.
The moment he was no longer alone he knew it and turned stiffly to face his mother. She still intimidated him, though his powers had long surpassed hers. She carried herself with an aura of command at all times and never been demonstrative of her deep love. He knew it was there, but she had always been very formal since her husband, Syaoran's dad, had died.
"Syaoran, we need to talk."
"What do you need, mother?"
She began walking and motioned for him to follow. He couldn't see her face from this vantage, and he suspected that she was doing that on purpose. "Your friends arrive later tonight, yes?"
He smiled wistfully, thinking of Eriol and seeing him again. "Yes."
She sighed sadly and turned to face Syaoran with regret in her eyes. "Forgive me for intruding, but you were not guarding your emotions well. You are in love with a man, Syaoran. You are now the head of the Li clan. We need to talk."
He cursed under his breath, staring at the ground. "That wasn't how I wanted you to find out, mother."
"I've known since you returned from Japan, but I thought nothing would come of it. It has become painfully obvious that such is not the case."
"I don't even know if he likes me in return yet."
"Syaoran, it is your responsibility to do what is best for the Li clan and the magic we have a responsibility to and for."
He sighed, his shoulders slumping miserably. "I suppose that's some sort of threat?"
"No, Syaoran," she said gently, placing a hand on his shoulder. "It is a reminder. We all make sacrifices and do what must be done. You have come to a crossroads in your fate where you must make some hard decisions. I hope you chose wisely."
She turned away, slow and graceful as ever, but he could tell that her aura was tinged with sadness and apprehension. His own earlier joy walked away alongside his mother, replaced by doubt and frustration. He had only a few hours until he had agreed to meet everyone at the airport. Only a few hours to torture himself while trying to figure out if there was a solution that wouldn't destroy who he was, one way or the other.
Those hours passed faster than time has ever passed in history.
~~~~~@~~~~~
Eriol couldn't stop smiling as the plane came down. He could already see so many differences in Hong Kong from the window as they descended, but the energy of the city was familiar and felt almost as much like home as London and Tomoeda. All that paled in comparison to the happiness he felt knowing that Syaoran would be meeting them at the airport. He was determined to do this right now, no procrastinating, so that there would be no more doubt and uncertainty between them. They had both been miserable too long.
"Eriol-kun, I'm very glad you are here with us this time." Sakura had leaned in conspiratorially, but there was a hint of hidden amusement about her.
"Ne, Sakura-chan--what do you mean by this time?"
"If we run into another sorceress that Clow-sama scorned we can make you clean up your own mess!" She kissed him on the cheek and collapsed in a giggling heap with Tomoyo at the shocked and dismayed look on his face.
"Madoushi--I forgot about her!"
Tomoyo joined in on the teasing. "Obviously! Otherwise we wouldn't have had to deal with her."
"That's not what I mean, Tomoyo-chan."
Sakura was grinning from ear to ear at the effect they suddenly had on him. "It's okay, we understand. You have no control over your prior incarnation's actions after all--but you might want to stay clear of Li Yelan anyway for putting her little boy in danger." The wink she gave him was positively evil.
Eriol regained his composure. "Any worthy sorcerer or sorceress would have been able to deal with Madoushi easily. If she had been able to kill you, Sakura, it would just mean you weren't worthy of the Clow cards. I am glad to see you passed that test as well."
"Test?!?! You call that a test???"
This time he returned her earlier evil wink with one of his own and all three of them were still laughing when they found Syaoran waiting for them near baggage claim. Sonomi had tried to figure out what they were laughing about, but it just made them laugh harder at their inability to explain, so she was the first one to greet Syaoran with a warm handshake.
That gave the three friends time to observe the haunted look on Syaoran's face and killed the laughter they had been so lost in. Each of them followed Sonomi's example and restrained themselves by giving him a formal handshake and a questioning glance. He maintained his silence until they left.
"I would like to take all of you out for dinner if I may send your luggage ahead."
Sonomi gracefully refused, saying she didn't want to intrude on a reunion among friends, but reminded Tomoyo that they had an early morning ahead. She ordered a taxi and went directly to the hotel, leaving the limo waiting for the four friends. They were subdued until they had their privacy, then Sakura broke the silence.
"Syaoran! You look terrible! What's wrong?"
"I--I just--I have a lot to think about."
Tomoyo threw her hands in the air out of exasperation. "You've been thinking for months! What more do you have to think about?"
"No Tomoyo-chan. This is something recent. My mother, today, took me aside to remind me of a few things. As soon as I reached my majority I became head of the Li clan, and that gives me certain responsibilities."
Eriol nodded his understanding and grabbed Syaoran's hand in a comforting gesture. It seemed to have the opposite effect though. Syaoran suddenly looked like he could shatter into a million pieces if not for an iron willpower straining to keep everything together. Syaoran then looked away, out at the city lights as the passed, and those lights reflected on shimmering eyes that were bright with unshed tears. Finally the dreaded words came from a voice choked with emotion.
"Please, don't touch me tonight Eriol-kun. Thank you for your concern, but I just can't. Not right now."
After that the silence was total.
~~~~~@~~~~~
Syaoran couldn't stop the flow of his thoughts as they went down an ever descending spiral. He knew there had to be some way to make everything work out, but he couldn't find it. He could admit his love and turn his back on everything that had always been important to him including so many people who looked up to him. He could do his duty and abandon the love that was now so important to him. No matter what he decided he would be killing off a large part of who he was. He couldn't see anything else, and he knew he should have seen this coming long before now.
Dinner had been a quiet affair until he forced himself to make light conversation. It was something he wasn't good at, but Tomoyo was, and she got the hint easily. By dessert there were tinkles of false laughter falling around his shattered nerves, but it was just the distraction he needed. Being irritated was far better than the alternative.
It was with a heavy sigh that they finally parted ways at the doors of the hotel. "Sakura, you and Eriol are still welcome to visit tomorrow at my house. I don't know what kind of company I will be, but mother would be disappointed if you didn't come over."
"Oh, I'll be there. I can't wait to visit your house again. It's so beautiful! Oh, and Meilin will be there too, right?"
"She said she'd make it a point to visit, yes. I almost forgot--she told me to send her apologies for not being here tonight, but she had a date." He didn't add the second half of the excuse, that she wanted the four of them to have been on a double date. That hadn't exactly happened because of his own preoccupation and anxiety over the future and the decision staring him down. "She promised details tomorrow, so I won't spoil her surprise, but she's happy and I'm being forced to be grouchy and overprotective."
Tomoyo and Eriol smiled while Sakura jumped up and down, clapping her hands and crying, "I'm so happy for her!"
It was Syaoran's only smile that night.
Morning came too soon and Syaoran paced in anticipation. He still couldn't bring himself to make a decision, but Sakura was the only one who took up the offer to visit. His shoulders drooped in a mixture of disappointment and relief when she walked in alone.
They socialized with his family for a short time, but his sisters were all married and didn't have much time to spend away from their homes. His mother spent the most time with them, but she realized before they did that they needed to talk alone about some things. Yelan finally gave Sakura a gentle hug and Syaoran a supportive smile before she left the room.
"Okay, Syaoran, now you need to tell me everything. Your last letter said you were excited and had something special planned, and now you're acting like the world is coming to an end."
"Sakura-chan, I feel like a complete idiot. I've been walking around with my head in the clouds this entire time, and I shouldn't be surprised that I tripped over a rock in the path." He told her about what his mother said yesterday in the garden, and about the spin his mind had been in since.
"This is terrible! I don't think any of us thought about this, but we should have. I'm sorry."
"I can't make this kind of decision, I feel like I'll be shattered and just a shell of who I was no matter what choice I made. Some time around midnight I even thought about telling mother that he's Clow Reed's reincarnation just so she'd have to accept him, but I can't do that to him. He deserves to be his own person too, and accepted or rejected on his own merits. It wouldn't be fair. To either of us. But I'm so desperate that the thought still nags me as an easy fix."
"You're right Syaoran. That wouldn't be right or fair for anyone. I can see why it's tempting, but I'm glad you wouldn't do that."
"But...what can I do? Sakura, I was going to tell him that I love him. I really do. That's why this is tearing me apart inside. I never thought I would be in this situation."
"What we need is some good advice from someone wise."
"What?"
She didn't answer right away. Instead she walked over to his phone, pulled out a phone card, and started making a phone call--to Japan. He didn't recognize the number she rattled off by heart, but he had a feeling that this was going to turn into a very awkward moment.
"Sakura, who are you calling?"
"Well, I was thinking, who do I know who has been in this kind of situation? Well, I wondered if maybe Clow Reed had, but maybe not exactly, and besides--it would be too much to ask Eriol to solve his own relationship problems. But I know someone else who was there and had to help Clow through his problems and lived through it himself."
"Oh God, not the plush toy!"
"No, Kero-chan doesn't know anything about relationships." She laughed.
That's when it dawned on him.
"Besides, Yue-san has been a lot more friendly and helpful since he and Yukito-san have merged completely. I'm sure he would help you now."
He could feel the blush burning on his face like a wildfire and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to keep himself from stammering as she handed him the phone insistently. "Sa-Sakura-chan! This is a little awkward for me to--"
"Tsukishiro desu!"
He stared at her huge, seemingly innocent smile as he tried to think of what to say. When had she started pretending to be innocent to cover up how evil she really was. This was something Eriol would have done all those years ago, just to see him sweat! He wondered idly if the Clow Cards had an evil influence on people as he turned around to concentrate fully on the conversation.
~~~~~@~~~~~
