Author's Note: One more chapter to go...can you feel the tension rising? I know I can! Well, that is, I think I only have one more chapter to go. At least, that's the way I planned it. ~nervously chews fingernails~ Eeew, I hate when I do that. Okay, I think I can wrap it all up in the next chapter, but you'll forgive me if I have to add an epilogue. Thank you, loyal reviewers, for your awesome support and encouragement. I hope you like reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. ~grins~
Solace
Three Little Words
Eriol paced the room, wanting to run away forever where no one would find him or ever touch his heart again, but also wanting to run into Syaoran's arms with blind faith. He remembered a time when he had been more confident, more sure of himself. Before the soul-shattering breakup with Kaho he had been a risk-taker. Before then he would have never left Syaoran the first time on that winter morning. Before he and Kaho had destroyed each other so thoroughly he would never have locked himself in a hotel when he could be announcing that he had fallen completely in love.
He didn't talk about it. He liked to pretend it had never happened.
You want to turn me into something I'm not!
Oh? And what did you expect of me? At least I'm not trying to turn you into something you used to be!
You'll never be half the man Clow Reed was, and you're just a scared little boy looking to me to assure you that you are just as wonderful by yourself. You've been growing in his shadow too long for that to happen, and now you can't be either!
You're just using me to get closer to a dead man's power!
I'm not the one who is dead!
Eriol shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself. He had turned her into something dark; she had turned him into something small. No one else knew just how deep she had hurt him, or just how much she had changed him. He pretended she had never existed, but these were the moments when he couldn't ignore the effects of her final words to him.
We haven't loved each other for a long time, if we ever did. I thought you were powerful and secure, and you let me believe it. I've had enough of illusions and games, I've wasted too much of my life believing in something you can't give me. I sincerely hope you grow up before you make another mistake like this again, because it would be terrible knowing you've made someone else waste their life as I've wasted mine.
The words were clearly meant to cut him to the core, and they had--but they were also sincere. Maybe that's what had hurt so much about what she said. She had been so cold, so cruel, and so mean to him in the end. Their last fight had been so vicious that Ruby Moon and Spinel Sun had stood ominously...threateningly at his side to protect their master from harm. They had almost come to blows, they had each raised their power to do real harm to each other. It was Eriol who finally--broke. He fell to his knees, sobbing at her feet, telling her she could have anything in the world as long as she would just stop hating him.
She said she just wanted her freedom, and then left him with the words that had broken his spirit in a final blow.
"I'm back! I know I'm early, but Mother will be staying behind for the details this time by herself. She said--"
Tomoyo had happily entered the main room of their suite with a cheerfulness that only she could maintain after half a day of business meetings. She immediately froze though when her eyes fell on Eriol. "Eriol-kun, you--you've been crying! You look terrible! I haven't seen you look so shattered since that day I convinced you to move after...."
"I've been thinking a lot about her today. I don't do it much, but I just couldn't stop and the memories just kept coming and wouldn't leave me alone."
Tomoyo was the only one who hadn't been there at the time who ever saw him so shattered over Kaho's loss. Tomoyo had been his safety valve and confidant when he tried to get his head back together. He had moved back to Tomoeda after the breakup just to be closer to Tomoyo because he didn't yet realize he had to leave behind England to leave behind the pain. "Why now? Why do her barbs still sting? You can't fool me Hiiragizawa Eriol, I know that look in your eyes and I know you're replaying those terrible things she said."
"Your sense of observation is almost a magic of its own, Tomoyo-chan. I just can't stop thinking that maybe she was right about me. I'm a fraud living off the glory of someone else. I can never be Clow, but I can no longer be Eriol either. I'm nothing, I'm not worth fighting for, and Syaoran just figured it out faster than Kaho did is all."
"Stop it! Just because one person you thought you loved didn't appreciate who you are doesn't mean you are doomed to be unlovable! If Sakura-chan hadn't finally loved me back I would have--"
"No, Tomoyo-chan. We would have made each other miserable, clinging together just because of our broken hearts. It wouldn't have been healthy. I'm glad it never happened."
She slumped in a chair, defeated. "We have two weeks. Please, don't give up yet. Mizuki-sensei was wrong for you, that's all."
"You really don't think she was right?"
"I think she said some terrible things just to hurt you because she was hurting too. She knew exactly how to hurt you the most, and she won. You don't need to carry that garbage with you forever. In fact, please don't."
He shook his head, looking out over the city from the window. He could superimpose images from Clow's memories onto the modern menagerie below him and the contrast fascinated him. Each was a jewel of individuality that sparkled with a life of its own. He realized that not everyone would recognize that beauty, or would fail to see the wonder of each view once they had looked closer. The analogy thrust itself upon him and he could feel Clow's essence telling him that he was the same. He could be himself and Clow Reed without losing his individuality, and not everyone would be able to see or appreciate the value of the difference between them.
He had to have faith that someone would, eventually.
No, he had to have faith that Syaoran would. Today. He was tired of letting Kaho have this much control over his insecurities and actions, even after she had torn his heart in two and cruelly cast him aside. Just because they had been wrong together didn't mean he was wrong as a person. There were still risks worth taking. Risks were never safe after all, and this time he knew he would get up again if he fell flat on his face. There would be no more running away.
"Tomoyo-chan, how do we get to Syaoran's house? It's time to get everything out in the open, where we can all deal with problems as they come up instead of wondering what surprise will pop out at us next." He had his old smile back suddenly and his eyes shone in a way that no one had seen since their childhood.
~~~~~@~~~~~
Syaoran paced, excited and impatient since his phone conversation with Yue. Or Yukito. Syaoran supposed that either name was equally valid, especially since he had sounded so happy and friendly the way Yukito had always been. The merge had been good for them, Syaoran mused, pacing across the room again.
"You're making me dizzy, Syaoran-kun. Can't you sit down?"
"I'm sorry, Sakura-chan. Meilin should have been here an hour ago, and I have this urge to just leave and go to your hotel to talk to Eriol-kun, but we can't just leave without Meilin. I'm getting a little worried about her too, and this is not a good day for me to be worrying more."
Sakura just laughed. "Relax! We have two weeks! A few hours is not going to make that much of a difference, I promise. If it does make an earth-shattering difference I'll make it up to you." At this she fingered the magic key she wore around her neck, giving him a significant look.
"Don't you have anything better to waste your magic on, Sakura?" He gave her a mocking look followed by a grateful smile.
"Let's see. I can slowly sit here and forget everything I ever knew about magic and let my talent go to waste, or I could help two of my best friends find happiness. Gee, you're right! What could I have been thinking of?"
They shared a long laugh until Meilin finally came running in, out of breath and looking like she had just woken up. Her hair was even hanging down, free from the usual cute style she still loved so much.
"I'm sorry! I overslept, I was up really late last night, and I'm so sorry I'm late."
"If you were up late for the reasons I think you were up late it will be my duty to kill your boyfriend. You know that...."
"Syaoran! It wasn't that, I swear! I just--I had a lot to think about...."
Sakura bounced over to her friend, wrapping her in a big hug. "Does this mean you have news?"
"I might...or I might just have a broken heart."
"Oh no! Tell me all about it."
The two girls sat on the couch together, catching up on things that just couldn't be said in letters. Syaoran knew part of the story already. Meilin had been dating an American named David Tatom for about a month now, and it had been steadily getting more serious. She hadn't introduced him to any of the family yet though, and Syaoran was starting to wonder exactly how he was supposed to react. Especially when Meilin tearfully confessed to Sakura, "He said he has to return home next week, but last night he also said that he loves me."
"HE WHAT???" Syaoran was shocked by this--and admitted he might be feeling overprotective.
"I don't know what to do! He's so sincere, and he's a perfect gentleman, but he's leaving so soon and I don't know when he'll ever be back. This is terrible! He didn't know he'd have to return so soon until yesterday, but now...."
Syaoran and Sakura both comforted Meilin while she sat going from happy about being loved to sad about losing her chance. Finally Syaoran couldn't take it any more. "Meilin, do you love him?"
"I don't know yet, but I think I might. I don't want to though if he's just going to leave!"
Syaoran paused as Sakura caught his eye. She gave him an encouraging nod and smile, so he nodded in understanding and went on. "If you love him, and if he truly loves you, it will work out somehow. You might have to be patient, but it will work out."
He was nearly suffocated by the hugs of both girls as they thanked him and told him how wonderful he was. Things degenerated to pure play from there as they all teased each other and occasionally thumped one another with throw pillows. The Li home had not been filled with that much laughter for as long as Syaoran could remember, even when his nieces and nephews visited. It felt good and right though, like it was something that had been sorely missing despite the feeling he had growing up that such antics would be frowned upon.
In fact, they had been making so much noise--mostly at Syaoran's expense as the two girls ganged up on him--that they didn't notice when they had company. It was the addition of another girl's giggles that made the three of them look toward the door where Tomoyo and Eriol stood grinning.
Sakura gasped. "Syaoran! We were supposed to head back to the hotel! I'm sorry we got sidetracked like this."
"No. It's probably a good thing we didn't go, or we might have missed the whole reason for going. If Meilin had been on time on the other hand...."
"Oh, sure, blame it all on me!" Meilin pretended to be hurt by the statement, placing a hand to her forehead and collapsing back into the couch. "Me, the poor girl who is having her heart so cruelly broken by fate."
Syaoran rolled his eyes, used to his cousin's melodramatics. "Come on in, sit down, make yourselves at home." He stood as he gestured them all in, then when his friends were all seated he deliberately sat next to Eriol. They looked into each other's eyes and smiled.
"We need to talk."
They said it in unison, causing the girls to laugh and exclaim at how cute their "boys" were. Syaoran blushed furiously while Eriol just laughed along. A moment later they tried again.
"In private."
Again it was simultaneous.
This time the girls exchanged ecstatic looks and chorused, "KAWAII!!!" The three of them collapsed in hopeless laughter as Syaoran jumped to his feet, grabbed Eriol's hand, and dragged the other man out into the garden.
~~~~~@~~~~~
Eriol smiled softly, taking in the beauty of the garden around him as Syaoran dragged him to the shaded canopy of a willow. It was a very private spot in the garden, one that had been almost the same in Clow's time. Some of the trees nearby had been replaced while others were considerably older, but each tree represented an influence of Western magic that he, himself had brought to the family grounds. It made him shiver as he hid under the willow tree, bringing back memories both painful and pleasant.
They were just memories though, so he quickly shoved them aside. He knew, without being told, that Syaoran was showing off his secret spot where he had always had privacy. "Is this the first time you've brought someone here?"
"Yes. I'm the only one who ever comes to this part of the garden. The ancient magic here always called to me and somehow protected my privacy while I was here."
"I imagine it would," Eriol said with a contemplative smile. "I'm honored you have brought me here. You have truly turned this spot into your own."
Syaoran glanced at him with a rueful grin. "You know this area--I should have known."
"Please. We didn't come out here to talk about Clow Reed, did we?"
"Of course not."
"Good. Then I'll go first since I'm already talking and I want to say this before I figure out a way to stop myself again. I love you, Li Syaoran. It may not solve a bloody thing in your life right now, but I needed to let you know that, and I wanted to make sure you know that no matter what obstacles you face, I want to be there to help you face them down."
Syaoran nodded with a gentle smile on his face and reached out to touch Eriol's cheek. Eriol could feel his own palms start to sweat and his heart was racing. His words had started a nervous flutter in his stomach that only got worse at the soft touch of Syaoran's hand. The world stood still as he waited for Syaoran's response. Finally Syaoran dropped his hand and half turned away as if overwhelmed by the words he was about to say.
"Last night, and even early this morning, those words would have shattered me into a million pieces that I could never have put back together. The hardest thing I've ever done was to tell you to stop touching me last night because I felt I had to decide between you and my family. I realized that it's an impossible choice; one that would kill me no matter what I decided. No one has the right or the power to make me pick one over the other, so I decide to follow my heart and do my duty the best I can. If there are people who think I can't do both, I will face them down and show them just how wrong they are."
"You'll be a stronger leader for that," Eriol nodded sagely, smiling triumphantly.
"The Li clan deserves no less than my best, and I could not be my best without you. I love you too, Hiiragizawa Eriol. And that is the solution to a lot of things."
The boughs of the tree swayed in a gentle summer breeze, causing spots of sunlight to shift and dance across their skin. Eriol thought that Syaoran had never looked so wonderful as he did at that moment, kissed by sparkles of sun and surrounded by magic currents that flowed and harmonized with each other. His heart raced as they moved closer together and erased the space between their bodies. His skin burned with the contact even with the barrier of their clothes between them, and he knew he had to kiss Syaoran now or the sensation would drive him insane. His hand reached up to thread pale fingers into the auburn hair. The silky softness of the strands caught in his fingers sent a shiver through his body and his eyes were losing their ability to focus. It was an overload of stimulation, and he almost couldn't believe he was about to push himself beyond even that limit.
His eyes slid closed and he moved steadily closer to the lips that awaited his own. At first the kiss was a brush of pliant silk, just grazing across the sensitive skin of their lips. Then Eriol brought it closer, a firm caress of his lips against the other's...and finally firm contact as they found exactly how to fit their lips together. His mouth opened in a gasp of pleasure and Syaoran didn't hesitate to take advantage of that breach by sliding his tongue to meet Eriol's and taste his beloved's mouth.
Eriol moaned, caressing the other tongue with his own, tasting the innocent flavor of Syaoran's mouth and reveling in the intimate contact. He lost himself in that sensation, forgetting every other kiss he'd ever shared with Kaho, Yue, or anyone else over either lifetime. Nothing had ever been so precious to him before, and this kiss became the entire universe of Hiiragizawa Eriol. He pulled back slightly to disengage the kiss, only to nibble on Syaoran's lower lip and then rain kisses across his cheek until he reached the delicate ear. As he kissed, nibbled, and suckled Syaoran's earlobe he could feel his partner melt into his arms. Then he finally whispered those three little words into his ear, "I love you." Pulling back, Eriol gazed deeply into Syaoran's eyes as they opened to meet his and he could see equal parts passion and love in those eyes.
"I love you too," he uttered softly, but then a shock ran through him and he pulled away. "I'm sorry, we have to stop now. We're about to have company."
They tried to compose themselves quickly, breaking the tension of the moment they had shared. Eriol was sure there was no fooling anyone who saw them though--it was too obvious to anyone who knew what to look for. He noted that Syaoran's skin was still flushed, his eyes were dilated, his lips were especially red and pouty, his hair was more mussed than usual, and it was a good thing he wore baggy pants--wait, no, don't look there! Don't think of pants! Aaah! This was impossible!
Then the crisp and cool aura of Li Yelan descended upon them both and those thoughts were instantly gone. She was followed by Sakura, Tomoyo, and Meilin who gave the guys sheepish and almost guilty looks. Yelan's mouth quirked a bit with some hidden expression as she took in the appearance of the boys who were looking a little guilty themselves.
Eriol defiantly reached to hold Syaoran's hand, giving him an encouraging squeeze. I'm here to support you, no matter what, he assured his love telepathically. He then looked over to Li Yelan with a confident smile. He reminded himself that he had no reason to bow to this woman's will. He just hoped Syaoran realized it as well.
