Disclaimer: Yeah, nothing and nobody but Yuki is mine. ehm, what? Are you
saying that not even him is mine? T_T I know, I'm a shameless liar, but
then, I wish he was mine '^_^
Anyway, I just write ff 'cause I love to, no other purposes.
Note: What should I say about this fic? First of all I apologize, English isn't my mother tongue, so there might be English mistakes here and there. Don't get mad at me, if you find any, drop me a line and tell me.
About the story: It's kind of a strange one, the basic plot isn't original, but then I only write really angsty fic, usually sad and twisted monologue, so nothing really happens, you'll read mostly thoughts. I've already written the second chapter, I just need to translate it (there won't be many, three probably).
Obviously is Yuki POV, I wanted to show his fragility, his sadness, his humanity without going OOC, because as you'll read, what people (actually Shuichi) will see from the outside is the usual cold writer, but then we know (and our Shuichi does as well), that there's much more than that.
I'll stop here, sorry I talk to much '^_^
Will you take care of me?
-Chapter one-
Night ghosts
It's 3a.m already and I keep on looking at the screen of my computer without going on with my novel. The bluish light that it emanates has almost hypnotized me, incapable of moving, of getting up and finally go to bed, incapable of even taking a cigarette from the packet on the table and light it.
This night seems to burden on me with all the weight of my memories and my remorse. The darkness seems shattered only by the monitor, whose light does not, however, reach my soul that remains gloomy, so obscure that I fear it myself.
A cough shakes me from the apathy I'm in, the sound of a well known voice that takes breaths drenched with sleep, he is the only person that seems to have the patience to have me around, patience I would denied. This noise makes my head move and I stand up finally. My legs are so heavy that every step I take seems to drug me down, my legs are overburdened by a too-much- time ignored weight, as well as the other fibres of my body that are, by now, consumed.
His shocking-pink hair is scattered on the pillow, exhales that typical smell that I like to consider as home.
I caress it gently, I do not want to wake him up, but instead of giving me relief, instead of making those night ghosts disappear, that touch terrorizes me and, once more, the panic takes over me, immobilizes me for a moment and freezes my heart.
I need to go out, I need to breath fresh air and to put some order on my mind, even though it snows outside. The cold strikes me violently and I shudder, maybe it is the temperature, or maybe the thoughts of this night that keeps tormenting me: huge snowflakes fall from the sky almost dancing in the hands of the wind. I would have liked to be cherished by it as they were and then disappear once I had touched the ground, to be consoled by the cold and then melt away.
I sit on the bench of the park where Shuichi usually sits, the stupid Shuichi, so cunning to have gained my heart without me noticing it, so tenacious to stand anything without giving in. And it's him I must leave, him that must go: I can't allow him to find me unprepared. I have to be the one to walk away from him to prevent him from abandoning me.
I smile to the thought: There was an absurdity thread in such a dark night as well as in my fear that makes me want to leave, not to be left, that makes me want to be the one to decide anything because the surprise would annihilate me in first place.
"Yuki, here where you were."
That unexpected voice opens wide a passage through my thoughts, gets straight to the deepest part of me and something cracks, without me being able to do anything about it, and everything pours on my face and in an acute ache to the chest, that makes me almost scream.
Don't look at me please, Shuichi, you would be ashamed of me, please, don't notice what I am saying to you through my pain, give me the time to pick up those pieces shattered and hide me again.
"You must leave"
As always, saying icy and aseptic sentences was so simple to seem, looking from the outside, they were natural...
"I'm sorry Yuki, I did not want to bother you... I heard the door knock and heard you were going out... and I thought there was something wrong."
"You must leave my house, go away" I said it again and it has to be like this. This time was simple, too, saying things I do not feel but that are necessary.
However, what I am not able to get used to are those fragments in the eyes of my Shuichi, fragments of a soul that breaks: every time I treat him coldly, I see a big crack there, but tonight the crystal crushed.
Don't look at me like that, don't think I want you to leave because I got bored, I could never do it because of it, I would never stop loving you, but at the same time I can't allow you to be at my side, to stifle slowly, to hobble every night, in tears. I cannot be left; I cannot be surprised because I would not even have the strength to die.
This night of memories forces me to let you go.
But your eyes do not understand and I see you quiver, I see your lips half- open and incredulous and I beg you to forget me... I am scared of disappearing, I am scared of dissolving in your memory and so I push you away before this can happen. I'm so scared of getting lost that the only thing I have left is my solitude.
I stand up and I walk away from the bench, going home, I don't know if Shuichi is following me or not, it doesn't matter, I can't turn around and look at him, it wouldn't make sense. I would walk back to him, hug him and I would rebuild that soul, but then I know I would crush it again.
I can't make people happy, I am not able to love and because of this, my pink-haired imp must go
I already know everything, I know of his eyes, I know of his glance and try to remove him from my mind, as well as I try to shut down that part of me that cries somewhere in my soul.
"Wait..." I hear you say but I keep on walking and I do not answer, it's too late.
To be continued.
Note: What should I say about this fic? First of all I apologize, English isn't my mother tongue, so there might be English mistakes here and there. Don't get mad at me, if you find any, drop me a line and tell me.
About the story: It's kind of a strange one, the basic plot isn't original, but then I only write really angsty fic, usually sad and twisted monologue, so nothing really happens, you'll read mostly thoughts. I've already written the second chapter, I just need to translate it (there won't be many, three probably).
Obviously is Yuki POV, I wanted to show his fragility, his sadness, his humanity without going OOC, because as you'll read, what people (actually Shuichi) will see from the outside is the usual cold writer, but then we know (and our Shuichi does as well), that there's much more than that.
I'll stop here, sorry I talk to much '^_^
Will you take care of me?
-Chapter one-
Night ghosts
It's 3a.m already and I keep on looking at the screen of my computer without going on with my novel. The bluish light that it emanates has almost hypnotized me, incapable of moving, of getting up and finally go to bed, incapable of even taking a cigarette from the packet on the table and light it.
This night seems to burden on me with all the weight of my memories and my remorse. The darkness seems shattered only by the monitor, whose light does not, however, reach my soul that remains gloomy, so obscure that I fear it myself.
A cough shakes me from the apathy I'm in, the sound of a well known voice that takes breaths drenched with sleep, he is the only person that seems to have the patience to have me around, patience I would denied. This noise makes my head move and I stand up finally. My legs are so heavy that every step I take seems to drug me down, my legs are overburdened by a too-much- time ignored weight, as well as the other fibres of my body that are, by now, consumed.
His shocking-pink hair is scattered on the pillow, exhales that typical smell that I like to consider as home.
I caress it gently, I do not want to wake him up, but instead of giving me relief, instead of making those night ghosts disappear, that touch terrorizes me and, once more, the panic takes over me, immobilizes me for a moment and freezes my heart.
I need to go out, I need to breath fresh air and to put some order on my mind, even though it snows outside. The cold strikes me violently and I shudder, maybe it is the temperature, or maybe the thoughts of this night that keeps tormenting me: huge snowflakes fall from the sky almost dancing in the hands of the wind. I would have liked to be cherished by it as they were and then disappear once I had touched the ground, to be consoled by the cold and then melt away.
I sit on the bench of the park where Shuichi usually sits, the stupid Shuichi, so cunning to have gained my heart without me noticing it, so tenacious to stand anything without giving in. And it's him I must leave, him that must go: I can't allow him to find me unprepared. I have to be the one to walk away from him to prevent him from abandoning me.
I smile to the thought: There was an absurdity thread in such a dark night as well as in my fear that makes me want to leave, not to be left, that makes me want to be the one to decide anything because the surprise would annihilate me in first place.
"Yuki, here where you were."
That unexpected voice opens wide a passage through my thoughts, gets straight to the deepest part of me and something cracks, without me being able to do anything about it, and everything pours on my face and in an acute ache to the chest, that makes me almost scream.
Don't look at me please, Shuichi, you would be ashamed of me, please, don't notice what I am saying to you through my pain, give me the time to pick up those pieces shattered and hide me again.
"You must leave"
As always, saying icy and aseptic sentences was so simple to seem, looking from the outside, they were natural...
"I'm sorry Yuki, I did not want to bother you... I heard the door knock and heard you were going out... and I thought there was something wrong."
"You must leave my house, go away" I said it again and it has to be like this. This time was simple, too, saying things I do not feel but that are necessary.
However, what I am not able to get used to are those fragments in the eyes of my Shuichi, fragments of a soul that breaks: every time I treat him coldly, I see a big crack there, but tonight the crystal crushed.
Don't look at me like that, don't think I want you to leave because I got bored, I could never do it because of it, I would never stop loving you, but at the same time I can't allow you to be at my side, to stifle slowly, to hobble every night, in tears. I cannot be left; I cannot be surprised because I would not even have the strength to die.
This night of memories forces me to let you go.
But your eyes do not understand and I see you quiver, I see your lips half- open and incredulous and I beg you to forget me... I am scared of disappearing, I am scared of dissolving in your memory and so I push you away before this can happen. I'm so scared of getting lost that the only thing I have left is my solitude.
I stand up and I walk away from the bench, going home, I don't know if Shuichi is following me or not, it doesn't matter, I can't turn around and look at him, it wouldn't make sense. I would walk back to him, hug him and I would rebuild that soul, but then I know I would crush it again.
I can't make people happy, I am not able to love and because of this, my pink-haired imp must go
I already know everything, I know of his eyes, I know of his glance and try to remove him from my mind, as well as I try to shut down that part of me that cries somewhere in my soul.
"Wait..." I hear you say but I keep on walking and I do not answer, it's too late.
To be continued.
