Finally I finished this mind-twisted-all-introspective-plenty-of-angst story, I really enjoyed writing it, it satisfies the part of me that loves writing about what goes on people's mind more that what happens around them. I might write on nothing, but I can't help looking deep into characters' personality. Thanks a lot for the reviews, it's nice to know that I'm not the only crazy one that appreciate angst and Yuki (*_*) ;D

Talking of this chapter, it was a difficult one to write because on one hand I wanted it to be a little confused, Yuki is having a break down and it's his point of view, on the other hand though, I wanted to write something understandable... Hopefully I did a good job '^_^...

Disclaimer: Same as usual, I write because I like it, no other purposes

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Will you take care of me?

Chapter Four:

will you take care of me?

I couldn't get in the room, and I walked home. Somewhere in my heart I was happy to know that Shuichi was fine, that he had Hiro close to him, somewhere else I was blaming myself for being such a coward.

Happiness and Pain, was there a way to live without this dichotomy?

Was there a place where I could actually choose whether to be happy or sad?

I don't believe I'll ever find it, if there's one in the first place.

What I seem to be able to do is just tear down broken pieces of diamonds that people give me as a gift, waste everything just because the more precious the gift is, the more I try to keep it close to my heart and the more it slips away. The most loved jewel was my pink-haired imp, fallen apart by now…

I just couldn't get in the room, just couldn't see myself facing the situation. Every single sparkle of my will power had disappeared these days, and this is the part that I hate the most: I am forced to see what I actually am… and yet Shuichi loves this revolting part of me…

… I don't think I deserve him, but then I need him so much…

I'm at home again, doing nothing, thinking of nothing, pondering about death as the only, real solution for my soul.

Sitting on my sofa I am wasting my last strength between a beer and a cigarette, and I hear a noise coming from outside the door. I can't even bother to see who it is, but as soon as I hear the steps in the hall, I know who came in and I froze: Shuichi.

Wasn't him in the hospital? What day is it? How much time have I spent here in this position?

I quiver, but I try not to make it obvious, I can't, I don't want to show it. Calm down and try to sound perfectly normal, be quiet and think…

But as soon as I see him I'm sure I get paler than ever, I stare at him.

He must interpret my stare as an angry one, I see that he tries to open his mouth to say something, but then no sound comes out.

I look at him, he still has heavy bandages on him, bruises, probably he wasn't supposed to come out from the hospital, but then why is he here?

Did Hiro see me there and told him?

He walks towards me, but I can't hear his steps anymore, everything around me had faded away, blurring into dark. His eyes seem to blend perfectly with the atmosphere as he tries to look for answers inside me.

I know exactly what I want to say, what will save me, but I'm so scared, I feel so paralysed that it seems as I'm watching the whole scene from the outside: a slow and hazy vision.

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have come here…but Hiro told me you were at the hospital… I hoped so much to see you there, I was almost happy I was there, because I thought that maybe you were going to come. But you didn't come in…"

The pain of his words is almost dense.

"Why?" he asks, and this is what I waited for, a question that needs more than an answer, but again nothing. My mind screams and my brain speaks, but my mouth is shut.

"Why can't you just say something?? Why do you hate me so much? Did you ever care?" He was yelling now, exasperated, crying in despair.

Mute and annihilated, I am mute and annihilated.

He comes closer, dipping his face in my chest and clutching his fists

"Why can't I just be with you?? Don't I ought to have an answer? Am I so worthless not to deserve an explanation? Why do I love you so much and you don't even talk to me??"

His voice is cracked, his sighs are getting so deep in me they are killing me.

Bleeding, mute and annihilated still…

He almost suffocates in frustration as he says "Ok, I won't disturb you anymore, I'll leave, sorry for bothering you so much… I'm just …" and then walks away.

Please, I want to die now, I want my heart to stop beating if I can't stop him now.

Please stop.

Don't go.

I can't talk.

My throat is dry.

He's about to leave the room and then …

…He stops. I hadn't said a word, but he turns back.

I don't know what happened, what made him come back until he touches my face: I am crying.

It's like a big dam that, under water pressure, cracks. I feel his gentle hand on my skin and he touches my lips with his

"If you cry I will never be able to give you up"

And with these words the dam falls into pieces, allowing me to wrap my arms around him and kiss him deeper. I can inhale as if I hadn't breathed in the last days, I breath him as the most pure oxygen.

Breaking the kiss I finally manage to put in words what had been locked in my soul for far too long

"I'm not good at this, you know, my heart, my mind had been scattered, smashed into pieces and I don't seem to be able to pick them up and rebuild myself. I can't say what I would like, I can't ask you to put up with me.

Whenever I walk alone, I'm lost, whenever I'm by myself I cry, whenever I'm among people I shiver, their loudness hurts my ears… You are always there for me, taking my hand and I'm lost no more, I feel consoled, I'm never scared because I feel your warmth, I can hide in your arms and listen to the sound of your love...

I might be a good writer, but there are thoughts I can't put into sounds…

I'm sorry, it's maybe not enough, maybe I should come up with something more appropriate, but I can't, I'm just so sorry for what I've done to you and what I will do because no matters how hard I try, I can't seem to function properly, my head is a mess and my fake existence crumbles whenever it's too dark out there…and you are my only light…

…so please, will you take care of me?"

I can feel his tears on my face, as I'm gently kissing the ear I just talked to.

I'm scared of what it'll come next, not so sure he won't run away

"I love you, Yuki, I love you so much it hurts. I'd do anything for you, and if you let me, I will cure you"

Saying this he starts kissing me, little by little every inch of my skin, little by little every riddle of my soul and as he makes love to me, his mouth never moves away from me, he knows I need it as well as I need his breath on me, tonight and forever.

As the night comes, he's laying in my arms, no words had been said since, I close my eyes: I know I had been saved and finally I smile.

° Fine °