FAREWELL DEAR-HEART - DUMBLEDORE'S STORY - CHAPTER FOUR
Bright and beautiful, those were the words that leapt to my mind the first time I saw you. Standing amidst other first years, afraid, but still showing that kernel of self-confidence that was to blossom to such glorious magnitude in later years. You smiled at me then, at me sitting at the teachers table. Such a trusting smile, a smile which promised everything. It was a promise you so ably fulfilled. You were perfect as a student. Studying hard but never too much, always performing so brilliantly... in everything.
Maybe I was a little in love with you, though it would have taken wild horses to get me to admit to that. Maybe your touchingly confiding air melted my naturally susceptible heart, that and the unquestioning belief you seemed to have in my infallibility because I had defeated a dark wizard. Your fear was palpable, your terror of the dark. Perhaps because you had been exposed to it so young and so long.
I remember our first long talk. If only I had given you answers instead of more questions, if only I had given you sympathy instead of recrimination maybe things would have been different. But I wasn't sure if you were prepared and I was even less sure whether I was. So every time we talked, there was something left unsaid, something left undone.
I know, I realize how much it is my fault. I appreciate that there was a time when you trusted me implicitly and it breaks my heart to think that that in some way, some unknown, unseen way I let you down. Let you down from the minute I set eyes on you. I let you; knowingly let you stay with the people who hated you so much. I evaded your questions, I let you grope your way through the corridors of a tragic life, and I didn't, when I could have I didn't, give you what you needed most - a helping hand.
Everyone sees what you have become - a hero, a martyr. No one, but I appreciate what you could have been - a fine individual. I and perhaps one other - the woman you loved and who loved you in return.
Under my eyes you grew up, the three musketeers. The Hogwarts Trinity, always together, always loyal, almost to the end. You were always the leader, the one who commandeered every wild escapade, every mad caper. She was the planner, the intellect behind the technical details, the expert in strategies. He was the follower, the committed plodder, deeply loyal, fiery tempered.
I also saw so much that your loving eyes missed. I saw his adoration for you, his hero worship for you, grow day-by-day, increase beyond the limits of sanity. I saw her intent passion for you, hidden by her deep underlying insecurity. And I saw you, you as you came to terms with your fame, your power and your beauty. I saw and ached as your adolescent clashes matured into adult fights. I saw and rejoiced at the blissful reconciliations. Now I accept that I shall never see two of the musketeers again and the third will never be the same.
I should have foreseen his defection. If you can see me, or hear me then know that I am sorry about this thing, more than about everything else. I said he was loyal, and so he was. But the unwavering trust of a true friend can often be as harmful as the malicious intent of an enemy. All he did, he felt so pained about, he died of a broken heart. No man wants to die, labeled a traitor and a deserter. He did it because he felt he deserved to go down in history thus. I know that in your mind you could never forgive him because it was too akin to what happened to your father. But in your heart, I believe, you forgave him a long time ago.
Life has never been easy for you. I know that better than anyone else because my life has been inextricably joined to yours. I have been to you what Merlin was to Arthur. Merlin failed as I failed. But we both had that hope, which I repeat constantly to myself today, our redeemer will return. It is a faint hope, but nevertheless it keeps an old man alive. And today I feel older than I ever imagined I could feel. I feel empty.
I saw your light of love today. I let her down as I let you down. I could see that I had something to say, but the words would not come. The words were warped and twisted into meaningless platitudes as they left my lips. I could see the disappointment in her eyes, as I have seen it so often in yours. Again I have been unworthy.
I saw a person today whom I felt that I would never see again. Your erstwhile nemesis, your former adversary. With your sense of irony you would appreciate that he came to pay his condolences. He looks the same, sneering, scornful, bitter. But I sensed that something in him has changed, some dam has broken. His eyes were fearful.
He spoke of you, as do they all today. Only when he spoke of you, did his face soften, his eyes shadow, his lips part. I remember you telling me once that if he were not an enemy, he could be a dear friend. But what can be done if the chosen path is the wrong one? Here is another victory to be chalked in your book, you have changed a mans direction in life.
Be proud dear-heart. As you venture into the Elysian Fields be proud. You have proved yourself to be their equal, if not their superior. Be kind in death, as you have been in life and forgive me my foolish mistakes, my misguiding, my disappointment as an example. I am only human, and as a human I sin, and as a teacher I fail.
They say that I must write you an obituary - their words are that it should be from one great man for another. But what, what requiem, what epitaph can a father pen for his son? Just this - Dearest heart, farewell!
Bright and beautiful, those were the words that leapt to my mind the first time I saw you. Standing amidst other first years, afraid, but still showing that kernel of self-confidence that was to blossom to such glorious magnitude in later years. You smiled at me then, at me sitting at the teachers table. Such a trusting smile, a smile which promised everything. It was a promise you so ably fulfilled. You were perfect as a student. Studying hard but never too much, always performing so brilliantly... in everything.
Maybe I was a little in love with you, though it would have taken wild horses to get me to admit to that. Maybe your touchingly confiding air melted my naturally susceptible heart, that and the unquestioning belief you seemed to have in my infallibility because I had defeated a dark wizard. Your fear was palpable, your terror of the dark. Perhaps because you had been exposed to it so young and so long.
I remember our first long talk. If only I had given you answers instead of more questions, if only I had given you sympathy instead of recrimination maybe things would have been different. But I wasn't sure if you were prepared and I was even less sure whether I was. So every time we talked, there was something left unsaid, something left undone.
I know, I realize how much it is my fault. I appreciate that there was a time when you trusted me implicitly and it breaks my heart to think that that in some way, some unknown, unseen way I let you down. Let you down from the minute I set eyes on you. I let you; knowingly let you stay with the people who hated you so much. I evaded your questions, I let you grope your way through the corridors of a tragic life, and I didn't, when I could have I didn't, give you what you needed most - a helping hand.
Everyone sees what you have become - a hero, a martyr. No one, but I appreciate what you could have been - a fine individual. I and perhaps one other - the woman you loved and who loved you in return.
Under my eyes you grew up, the three musketeers. The Hogwarts Trinity, always together, always loyal, almost to the end. You were always the leader, the one who commandeered every wild escapade, every mad caper. She was the planner, the intellect behind the technical details, the expert in strategies. He was the follower, the committed plodder, deeply loyal, fiery tempered.
I also saw so much that your loving eyes missed. I saw his adoration for you, his hero worship for you, grow day-by-day, increase beyond the limits of sanity. I saw her intent passion for you, hidden by her deep underlying insecurity. And I saw you, you as you came to terms with your fame, your power and your beauty. I saw and ached as your adolescent clashes matured into adult fights. I saw and rejoiced at the blissful reconciliations. Now I accept that I shall never see two of the musketeers again and the third will never be the same.
I should have foreseen his defection. If you can see me, or hear me then know that I am sorry about this thing, more than about everything else. I said he was loyal, and so he was. But the unwavering trust of a true friend can often be as harmful as the malicious intent of an enemy. All he did, he felt so pained about, he died of a broken heart. No man wants to die, labeled a traitor and a deserter. He did it because he felt he deserved to go down in history thus. I know that in your mind you could never forgive him because it was too akin to what happened to your father. But in your heart, I believe, you forgave him a long time ago.
Life has never been easy for you. I know that better than anyone else because my life has been inextricably joined to yours. I have been to you what Merlin was to Arthur. Merlin failed as I failed. But we both had that hope, which I repeat constantly to myself today, our redeemer will return. It is a faint hope, but nevertheless it keeps an old man alive. And today I feel older than I ever imagined I could feel. I feel empty.
I saw your light of love today. I let her down as I let you down. I could see that I had something to say, but the words would not come. The words were warped and twisted into meaningless platitudes as they left my lips. I could see the disappointment in her eyes, as I have seen it so often in yours. Again I have been unworthy.
I saw a person today whom I felt that I would never see again. Your erstwhile nemesis, your former adversary. With your sense of irony you would appreciate that he came to pay his condolences. He looks the same, sneering, scornful, bitter. But I sensed that something in him has changed, some dam has broken. His eyes were fearful.
He spoke of you, as do they all today. Only when he spoke of you, did his face soften, his eyes shadow, his lips part. I remember you telling me once that if he were not an enemy, he could be a dear friend. But what can be done if the chosen path is the wrong one? Here is another victory to be chalked in your book, you have changed a mans direction in life.
Be proud dear-heart. As you venture into the Elysian Fields be proud. You have proved yourself to be their equal, if not their superior. Be kind in death, as you have been in life and forgive me my foolish mistakes, my misguiding, my disappointment as an example. I am only human, and as a human I sin, and as a teacher I fail.
They say that I must write you an obituary - their words are that it should be from one great man for another. But what, what requiem, what epitaph can a father pen for his son? Just this - Dearest heart, farewell!
