Here I Am
Chapter 4

Serena opened her eyes as the alarm clock signaled for her to get up. It
was 8, her curtains were drawn close and the room remained dark. She
didn't feel comfortable leaving them open sometimes for some reason.
She got up and pushed them aside, squinting her eyes as the sunlight
came through. She sighed and headed for the bathroom, anxiousness
seeping in as she realized what her plans were for the day. She looked at
herself in the mirror with a blank expression in her eyes. The reflection
was so strange to her, so old. Taking a deep breath she looked away
then ran a bath and stepped in. She closed her eyes and stepped far into
her memories.

=@=

"What have you got there, Serena?" a little girl, her short hair pinned
nicely into two buns looked up at her mother. She held out her hand and
prided in the butterfly that lay motionless, but alive. Its wings
were beautiful, consisting of many different colors.
"It's beautiful, honey," her mother said giving her a gentle smile.
"Can I keep it?" she asked her eyebrows going up and her face crunching
up, an expression she always used to get what she wanted from her
mother. Her mother laughed at her softly but shook her head.
"You know, a butterfly deserves to fly. If you were a butterfly, would you
want to be caged up and prevented from flying wherever you wanted to
go?" The little girl hesitated for a moment and thought about it. Then she
shook her head and replied, "No."
"Exactly, so, I think it would be better if we let it fly. What do you think?"
"Well, okay!" she petted the butterfly lightly, and then whispered good-
bye. She threw her hand up, but the butterfly clung on. She did it again
but it didn't want to leave.
"I think it's scared, mama. What do I do?"
"Here, let me," Her mother ushered the butterfly to her finger; something
that she knew it wouldn't like, and as she predicted it flew away.
"There you go," she whispered.
"Bye butterfly!! Be free!!" the small girl shouted to it, waving her arms
high.

=@=

Serena jolted back to reality as the water began to turn cold. Realizing
how long she's been in the bathtub, she climbed out, wrapped herself in a
towel and drained the water. Walking back to her room, she prepared
herself for what was to come, something she regretted not doing earlier.

The taxi pulled up beside a small homely house. Behind the gate was a
beautiful garden, filled with a variety of flowers. Seeing it after many
years, Serena almost felt like crying. She couldn't imagine now, how
changed everything must be. She sighed, took a deep breath, and began
towards the open gate and to the door. A few seconds later, an old
woman stood in front of her. Her hair was neatly French braided in one
long braid, her old eyes squinting to see the familiar face.
"Serena…" she took a step toward her daughter, and then wrapped her
arms around her as if she was a fragile child.
"Mama," For a few seconds they stood like that, embracing each other
and savoring the moment. How long had it been since they were like
this? It was as if time wound itself back to the past, and there a small
child and her mother clung to each other in fear they will lose one another
again.
"Come in," she said after a while. Mrs. Tsukino closed the door behind
them, and watched as her daughter came through the open living room.
She observed the surprised look that passed in her daughter's eyes.
"Nothing much has changed, you know how much we like to keep things
just the way they are," she said knowing to a great degree that her
daughter was amazed at the fact that nothing was moved since she came
last.
"Sit down, would you like some tea? Cookies maybe? I just made a
batch; they're fresh out of the oven. Or would you rather have some
lemonade? It's a little hot for tea today…" Serena chuckled and shook her
head from side to side.
"You don't have to serve me, Mama…"
"Yes, yes I do." Serena was taken back; she hadn't expected her mother
to say that. She looked away and took a seat. Her mother cleared her
throat.
"How…how have you been, Serena?" Mrs. Tsukino timidly said, finally
deciding to sit across from her daughter. She folded her hands on her
lap, and stared blindly outside the window.
"I've been good,"
"And your husband?"
"You didn't get it?" Serena snapped her head to look at her mother, fear
creeping at the back of her mind.
"We got it, Serena, we signed it for you…we told them you were too sick
to go to court or anywhere. They believed us, barely," Her mother
paused. "You were suppose to be here, weren't you, Serena? Why didn't
you just come back?"
"I wanted to," she looked at the ground, at her foot. "I wanted to so badly.
Yet I couldn't, I couldn't do that. I didn't know how you were going to
accept me back in, when I chose him over you. I had to change my
plans."
"You didn't try?" Her mother's eyes glazed over cold.
"I couldn't," Serena, whispered unable to look her mother in the eye. She
heard a sigh, then her mother's words.
"I guess it could be our fault, we did nothing to change your mind. We
threw you out instead."
"Oh no, please don't blame yourself, no one is to blame but me." Her
mother said no contradiction, just silence. "It's in the past now, anyway."
Serena was near tears. She hadn't expected her mother to be this cold
towards her. When they embraced, she thought it meant everything was
forgiven.
"I'm sorry." Silence answered her again. It hurt, more than Alec could
ever have. She let the tears fall, but hid them from her mother, turning her
head away and allowing her hair to cover her face. Sounds of cars and
neighbors filled the air. For a few moments, it was all that was heard in
the room.
"I guess I better be leaving." She waited for an answer, and upon hearing
silence yet again, she stood up. Her tears had dried up, leaving trail
marks on her cheeks. She hesitated one more time, hoping, then headed
towards the door.
"No, it is our fault. We made you marry him, didn't give you any
ultimatum. We just wanted the best for you, I want you to know that. And
how…" Her mother took a breath. "And even now, even as I sit here in
silence, I want you to know, that you're always welcome. You shouldn't
be saying sorry to us, Serena. We should be the one apologizing to you."
This time, it was her silence that filled the room.
""What lies behind us, and what lies before us is of tiny importance. What
lies in front of us, it's precious." …There is no need for an apology
anymore." She motioned to get her slippers.
"Stay a while longer, for dinner at least. Your Daddy would want to see
you."
"I know, I'll be back. I just need to go for a walk."
"Can you leave your stuff here? I don't know but, I'm kind of scared you
won't come back."
"Okay,"
"Oh, Serena?"
"Hmm?" The older woman got up and walked towards her daughter.
There was a hopeful look in her eyes, and a gentle smile on her face.
"I should've let you fly," Her arms came around her daughter and held her
tighter than before. Tears fell from her old eyes, as Serena closed the
door behind her. Before she left though, she said with sureness,
"I'll be back in a few hours, just in time for supper. I promise."
"We love you,"
"Thank you for accepting me back, mama. I love you too."

A warm breeze greeted Serena as she stepped out of her old house. She
smiled contently, feeling that if she died now, she would be okay with it,
except for one other reason of course. She turned on the corner and
looked around at the old neighborhood. She was glad of the unchanged
scenes, everything was still the same. It made it feel like time had
stopped just for her, just so she wouldn't feel lost.
She had no idea where to go, so she allowed her legs to take her
wherever. It didn't matter, she was in no hurry to get anywhere. She just
wanted to go for a walk. The day was beautiful, the sky was cloudless
and the sun shone with intense energy. She looked at the watch on her
arm and read 10 AM.
'It's pretty early, I think I'm going to visit someone. Now, let's see, where's
that address book." She opened her purse and searched for the small
book containing Jason's address.
'Aha, here it is. Let's see…well, that's not far from her, that's just around
Juuban Park.' We've got a destination. I wonder if he's awake yet. I
guess I'm going to find out.'

She ran the doorbell and waited patiently for someone to answer. A
young face greeted her this time; it was Jason's mom.
"Serena, hello. Come in. Come in. Well, we weren't expecting you to visit
us quite so soon."
"Ally, how's Jason?"
"Oh, he's fine." She answered, making room for Serena, picking up some
toys and dirty clothes. "I'm sorry, it's such a mess, and everyone was
here last night celebrating Jason's good health. We thought we'd leave
the mess till today. Please, sit down. I'll just put this away, Jason's in his
room getting ready. I'll be back." Serena chuckled to herself, took a seat
and looked around. It was a big enough place for a small family. The
room was certainly comfy, with pictures decorating the walls.
"Would you like something to drink?" Ally popped said from inside.
"No, that's all right. You mentioned that Jason was getting ready? Did I
catch you both at the wrong time?"
"Oh, no, not at all! Jason's part of that concert going on today at the
park…um, I'm not sure if you know about it. Anyway, he's on later today."
"A concert?"
"Yes, a lady from…ugh, what's that Temple called? Anyway, she's
gathered a fundraising at the park. Everyone from the hospital, who was
well enough to go was invited."
"Concert? Oh, yes, I think I heard Adriana mention that once before."
"Yes, well, would you like to come with us? Jason would love it!" Ally said
coming back into the room. Her small size made her look so young. Ally
well into her 30's. A single mother, working two jobs to pay for Jason's
hospital stay and medicine, Serena often found herself pitying her. She
never wanted to, she knew no one wanted pity.
"I'd love to,"
"Great, make yourself at home, I'm going to get Jason, I'm sure he's
ready by now. Jason!"
Jason materialized from a room nearby and posed for his mother, unable
to see Serena from where he stood.
"How do I look, mom?"
"Oh, you look wonderful dear. Come here, guess who's coming with us?"
"Who?" Slowly he made his way to where his mother was. A huge smile
replaced the timid one he had a few seconds ago when he saw Serena.
"Serena!! What are you doing here?" He made to run to give her a hug,
but knew better not to. Instead he signaled for her to do it instead. Serena
laughed and came over to him, gathered him in her arms and gently
squeezed him.
"Well, I was in the neighborhood. I heard you were performing today."
"I sure am, and I heard you were coming."
"I sure am,"
"Let's go!! I am so excited!"

To Serena everything happened so fast. They got to the park, joined the
audience and listened attentively to the concert. When Jason came on,
she cheered loudly, not caring if everyone was staring at her. It was a
beautiful song. When they finished, they stayed till the end, allowing her
to hear Raye's song.

A place worth hiding in
-if I tried
A place worth wandering
-if I stopped
A place worth seeing,
-if I looked
A place worth calling,
-if I wanted
My home

"Was she the one to organize this concert, Ally?
"Yes, that's her, she's a really nice woman for doing this. Jason enjoyed every
minute of it, I know he did."
"I think he did too."
"Come on, there's another concert tonight, for anyone who missed it. Everyone is
still excited, I'm sure they know how good they were. I really want to talk to, Raye
though."
"Can I come with you?"
"Of course, I wouldn't leave you here." Serena smiled and followed her friend's
suit.
'Well, it's now or never.'