A/N: I've had this idea in mind for a while now. Ed, Edd, and Eddy was one of my favorite cartoons growing up and I always wondered what would happen to them as they got older, considering all their scams I thought making them criminals would be fun. I hope you all enjoy it.
Lee Kanker the eldest Kanker sister walked into the trailer park she was born in and had lived her whole life in until now. The early morning was cool but not cold. Her leather jacket was enough to keep her warm. The black jacket covered her red and white striped tank top she wore atop black skinny jeans and red sneakers. In her hand was a small backpack filled with tips now. Lee looked up at the steadily rising sun. It was early in the morning the sun was just starting to peek over the horizon.
Lee had just finished her shift at the Lollipop strip club. It wasn't the most glamorous job, but the money more than made up for the stigma associated with her work. She'd worked there for a few years now and had earned her spot as the headliner. She was proud that men and some women would empty their pockets for her. It brought a smile to her face as she felt the weight of the backpack on her shoulder.
Lee neared her trailer the one she had shared with her sisters and mother, but now it was just her… and Eddy. Marie had followed her "man" to the city mooching off of Double D as he went to college. Smart move on Marie's part she supposed, out of the three Eds Double D was by far the most passive. She was sure Marie had him wrapped around her finger by now. May was gone as well somehow she had managed to get a job in the neighboring city. Lee tried to remember what her baby sister was doing. Something to do with doll making she thought. After all, May had been the one to make their Ed dolls back when they were growing up.
As far as Lee knew she didn't think May and Big Ed were together at least not in the traditional sense. "Friends with Benefits are more like it." She said as her thoughts turned to her own boyfriend Eddy. Her Short King had moved in with her after dropping out of high school and being kicked out of his home by his parents. Lee had thought it would be fun living with her man like a married couple and for a time it had. Eddy was street smart and very good at manipulating people to get what he and therefore she wanted.
Lee never had to buy weed or beer again, Eddy was always able to get it for them. After a while thought the cost of keeping Eddy around was outweighing the benefits. Eddy was lazy and didn't enjoy taking orders as such he never lasted long at any job he got. He had gotten a job at a convenience store then got fired for getting into a shouting match with his boss. After that Eddy had managed to finagle a job working as a night shift janitor only to be fired for cutting corners in his routine. He'd thought it would be a good idea to supercharge the buffer and let it run around the school. Needless to say, the plan was a bust having cost the school several hundred dollars to buy a new washer and Eddy his job.
It was one lost job after another and now Eddy just sat around her house, eating, getting high, and sleeping. She had put her foot down though. If Eddy wasn't going to work he was going to keep house. Clean, wash dishes, laundry all that domestic shit. "I better come home to a clean house or there's going to be prob-!"
Lee unlocked the door to her trailer and looked inside to the same messy house she'd left before her shift at the strip club. She looked around giving Eddy the benefit of the doubt that maybe he was just cleaning another room, but no there he was snoring on her couch with an open bag of Cheetos on his chest and a half-drunk beer on her coffee table. Lee dropped her bag stormed over to Eddy and snatched him from the couch onto the floor.
"WHAT!?" Eddy shouted having landed face-first onto the floor. He looked up and saw Lee standing over him. Her face was red as a cherry and her fists were on her hips. "What the hell Lee?" Eddy asked standing up. Eddy was dressed in a once-white muscle shirt and basketball shorts. His blue hair hung greasily around his head as he scratched it sitting up.
"Eddy we're done I want you out of my house. I can't do this anymore. You're lazy, selfish, and a bum. I am not going to be like my mom and house a loser while he puts a baby in my ass. Get out." She said pointing at the door. Eddy looked between her and the door as the fog of whatever he'd been on cleared and was replaced by outrage. Eddy shot to his feet only coming up to Lee's shoulder.
"Who are you calling a loser!?" He shouted. "I do plenty of shit for your bitch ass who do you think you're talking to?" He growled only for Lee to grab him by his shirt and shove him out the door. Eddy landed in a puddle of mud staining his already filthy shirt.
"You're not going to talk to me like that. Get out of here Eddy." She said before slamming and locking the door. Eddy sat there for a moment as his face grew steadily redder until he exploded.
"FINE, YOU STUPID BITCH I DON'T NEED YOU! YOUR PUSSY STANK ANYWAY!" He shouted picking up a rock and slinging it through her window before storming off. "I was about to leave her ass anyway the sex sucked and I was too good for her," Eddy told himself as he walked back to the culdesac and the one person he could still count on. Eddy walked through the early morning slinging mud off him as he did so.
As he walked he couldn't help, but think about how fucked up shit was now. Back in the day, he had Ed and Double D to count on when shit got tough, but now Double D was a city over living the college life and Ed was working. He'd been the last Ed left in high school after Double D graduated early and moved to the city on a scholarship to the university, and Ed dropped out after learning he was going to have to repeat a year. Eddy couldn't blame him there was no way would he have sat through an extra year of school if he could help it.
But after Ed left he really didn't have anyone at school to talk to or hang out with. Sure the other kids didn't few him in as hostile a light, but that didn't mean he wanted to be buddy-buddy with them. Well, accept Jonny he always had weed on him. Never hurt to keep a pothead as a friend. Eddy scoffed. Was this what he was going to do with his life; couch surf like some bum? Fuck no he was better than that, he sure as hell was better than some nine to five dead-end job. He just needed a plan and some people to help him. As that thought crossed his mind Eddy's mind started to plot. He always did do his best thinking after a blowup.
Ed hoisted several two by fours in each arm before moving over to the steadily growing pile. He laid them down and stood up to his full towering six foot eight height. He wiped the sweat from his brow as someone called out to him. "Hoo boy Ed you're a goddamn machine. You do half the work of an entire crew all by yourself. Hell If I had like three more of you I'd be set." Ed's foreman Jacob said. Ed looked back at and shrugged.
"It's not that hard." He said simply which made Jacob chuckle as he looked over the young man before him. Ed was tall probably the tallest guy on his crew and was built like a California Redwood which was fitting considering Ed's light red hair that hung slightly too long around his head. Ed was dressed in only a black muscle shirt with Evil Tim scrawled across it. He looked at the boy's well-worn jeans stained with concrete dust as his boots were covered in mud and sawdust. "Well be that as it may you should probably head on home. I and the guys will finish up tomorrow." Ed looked at him with wanting eyes and Jacob sighed. "Look Ed I know you want more hours, but I don't have anything else. This was our last job in town after tomorrow we'll be moving on to the next job after this. Now If you want to stay on you're going to have to follow us." Ed looked at him and shook his head.
"I can't." He said simply and Jacob nodded.
"I understand, but my hands are tied otherwise, besides you shouldn't be working so much anyway. A kid like you should be in school or fucking a pretty girl." The older man said as Ed gave a chuckle before hoisting his duffel and making his way to an older sedan and tossing it in the passenger seat. Ed walked around to the driver's side and gave a wave before hopping in and driving off.
As Ed drove home he thought about what Jacob had said. He should be in school, well more like he should have finished school. Ed was nineteen now and had dropped out of school at sixteen. There was a variety of reasons why he'd done so. One he wasn't going to graduate on time anyway. He was going to be held back a year, and with Double D going off to college there was going to be no one to tutor him. The teachers just didn't get his way of learning as Double D had. What was the point of staying in school if he was going to have to repeat a year?
The other reason had been his dad having been injured on the job and not being able to work. Sure his job would cover his time off so there would be money coming in, but not nearly as much as his dad normally pulled in. His dad was a hard worker the kind of person that would work a twelve-hour shift without a second thought or word of complaint, so the stipend the company was giving him wouldn't satisfy what they needed to keep their status quo.
Hearing that Ed was dropping out his father had given him a choice get a job, stay in school, or get out. Ed had opted to get a job, but without a proper education his options were limited and the fact that he was underage didn't help either, so he'd opted for manual labor. The work was familiar and even comforting to him. He'd always done the heavy lifting for his friends so this was nothing new and it turns out he was great at following directions.
Some of the other guys on the site referred to him as another piece of machinery. He didn't care he was getting paid and Jacob was a good boss. Sure most of his money went to the household, but he had enough left over to get the things he wanted such as new comics, a new TV, and more movies. His mom seeing his work ethic had even taken him to get his driver's license and given him permission to use his dad's car while he was laid up.
Ed was actually happy he was being depended on which he never thought would happen. Ed knew he wasn't the smartest guy and that most people thought he was simple even his parents. Still, it seemed that he was finally living up to their expectations. That was all about to change though. With Jacob gone this next paycheck would be his last. He needed to find a new job, but there was no way he was going to find one in time before shit started getting turned off at their house.
Ed parked the car in the driveway and snagged his duffel bag as he headed to the door. He had a few days off which would normally mean one thing; TV and Pot. He'd started smoking with Eddy and even though Double D said it was bad he didn't really think so. Everything seemed so much funnier when he was high even shows he'd normally hate he could genuinely enjoy.
Ed smiled as he remembered sitting next to Sara and watching My Little Pony and found himself completely entertained by the colorful horses and their mission to make friends with some dragons or something. Of course, going back and watching the same thing sober he'd hated every minute. Now he'd have to spend every minute looking for a new job before things started falling apart and he went back to being the same old disappointing and simple Ed.
As Ed reached for the doorknob it was swung open and Ed couldn't help, but release a groan at who had opened it. "Hey there Big Ed." It was Jimmy and any good feeling Ed had steadily drained out of him. Jimmy stood in the doorway with a skin-tight bubblegum pink shirt. The damn thing was so tight he could see Jimmy's nipples pushing against the fabric. In addition to the ridiculously tight shirt, Jimmy had on some skinny jeans and sandals that showed off his perfectly manicured and painted toenails.
"Hi, Jimmy," Ed said pushing past the little fairy. Jimmy had always been rather girly, but once he reached middle school and came out of the closet to the surprise of absolutely no one the boy had been on fire ever since. Ed didn't care that Jimmy liked dick, but did he have to flaunt it with every breath he had? Subtlety was lost on the kid and Ed didn't want to have to deal with him. He just wanted to go to his room take a shower and veg.
As Ed walked towards the basement he felt a tug on his pants and looked down at Jimmy's hand. "Can I help you?" He asked as Jimmy smiled his freshly glossed lips glistening in the light.
"Oh come on Ed why don't you hang out with me and Sarah? I'm sure there are plenty of things we can do together. I might even be able to get Sarah to watch one of your movies as we snuggle under the covers." Ed groaned as Jimmy plastered himself across Ed's front like some lewd second skin. Ed pushed him off.
"Hell no." He said, but just as he gave Jimmy a push Sarah rounded the corner and immediately assumed guard dog mode.
"ED! Stop pushing Jimmy around or I'm telling mom!" Ed rolled his eyes as he looked down at his fellow redhead sister. Sara stood there in a red t-shirt and black and white checkered pajama pants. She hadn't changed all that much since they were kids still the bossy big mouth she reminded him of a female version of Eddy honestly. He didn't feel like arguing with Sarah so he just gave one look at Jimmy who stood behind Sarah and played with his tongue.
"Ok." He said before opening the door to the basement and shutting it before heading down the stairs to his room. He dropped his bag next to the washer so he could wash his clothes later before going into his room and began stripping out of his clothes until he stood naked in his bathroom. Ed turned on the hot water before climbing in and washed all the sweat and construction dust off him. A hot shower at the end of the day always felt good on particularly rough days he'd soak in the bath, but with Jimmy lurking around it was probably best not to spend too much time out of his clothes.
It wasn't like he was scared of Jimmy or that he couldn't keep the little firecracker's hands off him, it was more he didn't want Sarah or anyone else to walk in and see him naked or undressed in a room with Jimmy. The rumors that Jimmy held a seduction power on par with Nazz weren't totally unfounded. If what he heard from Jonny apparently Jimmy had a mouth like a vacuum cleaner. How Jonny knew that he preferred not to know.
Besides Ed wasn't that hard up for sex, May came back every few months to see her sister, and when she did she always wanted to fuck, which Ed was happy to give. Ed stepped out of the shower and dried off before putting on some shorts and a random t-shirt. Finally, he collapsed into his bed and turned on his TV. Ed began scrolling through his streaming services before going to HBO and turned on some old black and white cartoon about a sailor who loved spinach.
"Good enough." He said as he reached under his bed and withdrew a shoebox. Yes, he shouldn't be getting baked right now, and instead of climbing on his laptop to start putting in applications, but fuck he needed at least an hour to himself before he started slaving away. "Come to papa." He said as he opened the box and saw the very small amount of weed he had left. "Fuuuuuck!" he moaned not wanting to have to leave the house to go to Jonny's to get another bag. Almost as if on cue, there was a knock at Ed's door, and before he could even answer it swung open revealing Jimmy standing there and in his hand a fat sack of weed.
"You rang?" Jimmy said with a shit-eating grin as Ed sat up looking at the rather large bag of weed and wondering where the fuck Jimmy had procured it from. Now Ed knew there were other sellers around hell Eddy had tried his hand at it, but his lack of patience meant he could never grow a goddamn thing, the question is who would sell to a kid like Jimmy and where did Jimmy get the money for a bag of that size.
"Where did you get that?" Ed asked as Jimmy sauntered into his room.
"Oh, I have my ways, Big Ed," Jimmy said as he pumped his fist towards his mouth repeatedly.
"Well, that answers how Jonny knew how well Jimmy sucked dick." Ed thought to himself as he looked between the boy and the bag. "Does Sarah know you have that?" He asked as Jimmy gave a laugh.
"Of course not and it's not like she'd know what it was if she did know. Sarah is such a little kid, and before you ask she's gone. I had one of my friends call her over for a little girl time. I told her I'd be by later which means it's just you me and your dad, but he's fast asleep Sarah told me. So really it's just you, me, and this fat bag of weed." He said with a slow lick of his lips and Ed sighed.
"Ok, how much do you want for it?" Ed said reaching into his discarded pants for his wallet, but Jimmy stopped him as he placed a hand on Ed's thigh.
"Oh, I don't want money, Big Ed. I want you to fuck me with your big dick and this bag is all yours." He whispered in Ed's ear to which Ed shot up.
"What the fuck Jimmy?!" He said looking at the boy in front of him who just leaned back and laughed.
"Oh come on Ed it's not that hard to understand. I want you to fuck me. I know you probably have the biggest dick in the cul-de-sac, though Rolf might have you beat." He said rubbing his chin. Ed grimaced as Jimmy laughed again. "Is it really that hard to imagine that I've been able to get every guy to fuck me? I know what guys want Ed. Rolf well Rolf just likes to fuck guy or girl doesn't matter to him, Jonny is pretty much the same he's all free about it. Kevin likes anal and Nazz doesn't plus she's cheating on him with who knows how many guys the little skank. All that's left is you, Ed. I don't like Eddy and Double D is gone so that just leaves you." Jimmy said pointing at Ed with his foot.
Ed just looked at Jimmy confused. "Why though?" He asked as Jimmy just smiled.
"Because I can that's why. Because I'll know that no matter what I'm better than any of their girlfriends, and well it doesn't hurt to have a little secret that makes them want to give me stuff." Jimmy said as he stood up and approached Ed. "Though you're different Ed I just want you. Fucking my best friend's brother that just seems so naughty." The look on Jimmy's face as he said that sent a shiver down Ed's spine. Jimmy looked like some kind of villain when he said that. "So are you going to whip out that big fat cock and fuck me or what?!" Jimmy shouted only for someone to knock on Ed's window.
Ed jumped but was grateful for the reprieve as he reached up and opened the window only for a muddy Eddy to fall through onto his floor.
"Eddy?" Ed asked as Eddy stood up looking at his old friend.
"Sup Ed," Eddy said as he stood up wiping off some of the mud that was stuck to him before he looked between Ed and Jimmy. "Beat it shrimp," Eddy said shoving Jimmy through the door before snagging the bag of weed and slamming the door in Jimmy's face.
"Hey, that's mine!" Shouted Jimmy as Eddy laughed and locked the door.
"It was Cocksucker." He said as he walked over to Ed who was still staring at Eddy like he couldn't believe he was here. Ed hadn't seen Eddy in a long time. Not since Eddy had dropped out of high school. They hadn't really hung out much. Ed was busy with his job which he'd have to find a new one if his family was going to stay afloat and Eddy had been still running his scams, but slowly he saw less and less of Eddy especially after Double D graduated and the brainpower of Eddy's plans was gone. Sure Eddy came up with the plans, but Double D made the plans work.
"What are you doing here Eddy?" Ed asked sitting in his chair as Eddy helped himself to Jimmy's pilfered weed and began rolling a joint.
"Eh Lee was starting to be a real bitch you know pain in my ass so I left her. You know I've been thinking it's time to blow this place. Everything here sucks. We should go to the city with Double D. I'm sure Sockhead will put us up for a bit until we come up with a real money-making plan." Ed looked at Eddy as he put his freshly made joint in his mouth and lit it. Eddy took a deep draft of the drug letting it sit in his lungs for a moment before exhaling with several coughs. "Damn I'll say one thing for Jimmy that mouth of his bought him the good shit." He said coughing before handing the joint over to Ed.
Ed looked at the lightly smoking joint before shrugging and placing it in his mouth and taking a deep drag as well. As he coughed Ed asked Eddy. "Come on Eddy our plans never work we'll just get beat up or worse thrown in jail," Ed said as Eddy arched a brow.
"Our plans don't work here Ed. Everybody knows us here so, of course, they don't fall for my brilliant plans, but in the city, they have no idea! There are thousands of people in the city and just as many places for us to make our mark. Come on Ed aren't you tired of this shit, working minimum wage barely scraping by and shit. Fuck that we deserve better. Here we're just dorks, but in the city, we could be kings." Eddy said snatching the joint from Ed and taking another drag. "Come on Ed I can't do it without you."
Ed looked at Eddy for a moment mulling things over. He really didn't have many options. His job was dried up here and he wouldn't find another quickly enough. He scratched his head at this maybe it was the weed, but Eddy was making a lot of sense. Ed looked up and smiled.
"Alright, Eddy I'm in." He said as Eddy smiled releasing a stream of smoke.
"Good now let's go see what Sockhead is up to these days."
