When (Nice?) NEET's Finish Last, Or Get The Last Laugh

Chapter 1: "He's Not Cursed!"

(Verdia the Dullahan; First Encounter; alternate ending and aftermath:)

"I sentence thee to death" proclaimed Verdia as he pointed a finger; alight with a fiery energy of black/red colors, right at Megumin.

"Damn it; I won't make it in time" growled Darkness as she and Kazuma ran towards Megumin and Aqua.

She knew she wasn't fast enough to get there before Verdia would strike, because of her armor weighing her down, so she goes with the only option she could think of in that moment.

"Hey, wait... Darkness; what are you... GGGAAAHHH!"

Cried Kazuma as he was grabbed and sent flying by Darkness towards the others.

"You will die in one week" proclaimed Verdia as the curse shot from his finger, going right at Megumin who was to stunned to move away in time.

Not that she needed to as Kazuma came in between the curse and her, saving her and taking the curse upon himself instead; not that it was his intention here but what can you do?

Kazuma cries out in pain as the curse flares around his body like a roaring fire before finally fizzling out. Megumin and Darkness, who finally reached them, moved forward to check on Kazuma's condition.

"Kazuma, Kazuma...?" said a worried Megumin.

"Are you alright?" added Darkness, making him look back at her with a glare.

"(groan) Do I look alright here?"

"Hm, while you weren't my intended target, I suppose this turn of events is still acceptable. Listen well, Crimson Demon girl. That boy will die in one weeks time. Your precious comrade who took the curse in your place in order to save you..."

'Not by choice though' thought Kazuma.

"He will suffer as he trembles in terror at his approaching death. Yes, all because of you and you need to be stubborn with me!"

Megumin's head jerks before she looks from Kazuma to the Dullahan.

"Yes, watch as your friend suffers over the next week, all the while repenting for your actions. You should have just done as I said."

Darkness steps forward as Verdia goes to leave, loudly proclaiming so that all present could hear-

"How terrible; you're basically saying you cast a death curse upon my friend, so I should submit myself and come with you and obey your every command if I want to see said curse removed from him?"

Verdia stops, looking back at her as he gives her a confused "Huh?"

Kazuma, meanwhile, giving Darkness an uncertain look as he thinks 'I don't even want to understand what this girl is trying to suggest right now.'

"I shouldn't let myself submit to the likes of you like this, I know I shouldn't but... What do you think, Kazuma? Just look at the Dullahan's filthy eyes, hidden beneath his helmet! Those are the eyes of a true degenerate who wants to force me to come to his castle, tell me to not even speak and to submit to his every whim in order to remove the curse upon you; all the while demanding the most hardcore of perverted acts and all for his pleasure!"

She then takes a step towards Verdia, making him naturally flinch back defensively.

"Dullahan, you may be able to do whatever you want with my body, but don't think you'll be free to do as you please with my heart!" she adds, huffing and moaning all the while with pinked cheeks.

She then goes on to an even further exposition on what he would do to her once she was inside his castle before running to him excitedly, forcing a still cursed Kazuma to run out to grab and stop her, pleading to her to 'stop embarrassing them all here.'

Once that was finished, Verdia makes a throat clearing noise, not that he probably needed to do that before saying-

"Anyways; this better stop you firing Explosion magic at my castle from now on! And also, Crimson Demon girl!" (This gets Megumin's attention back onto him) "If you wish to lift the curse on that boy, then come to my castle. If you can make it all the way to me, then I will lift the curse. But, will you really be able to make it that far? ...And don't bring that crazy Crusader with you. That things gives me the creeps here."

With that, Verdia takes his leave; walking into a dark portal of his own making.

Megumin the turns her attention back to Kazuma and ask "Kazuma, are you OK? Are you still hurting?"

Kazuma groans a little bit, then looks at her and says "A little, yeah. But the pain is slowly subsiding. Probably just a reprieve before the real suffering he said would be coming begins."

Megumin nods before standing and beginning to walk away from Axel.

"Megumin, what are you...?" asked Darkness.

Megumin didn't answer right away, instead allowing a quick pause before saying "I'm going to the Dullahan's castle and hitting him with an Explosion right to his rotting flesh face and lift the curse on Kazuma here. I owe that to him, seeing as it was my fault he's in this situation."

Darkness nods at her as she also walks forward join Megumin. "I'm also responsible for what happened to Kazuma so I will go with you. I'll leave dealing with the Dullahan to you so leave dealing with his minions to me here."

"What are you all going on about? Kazuma hasn't been cursed here" said Aqua, making them look at her as does Kazuma.

They see that while all of that had been going on, Aqua had taken the time to pull out an expensive looking bottle of bubbly and was chugging down the last of it following the asking of her question.

"Wha-What do you mean, Aqua?" asked both Megumin and Darkness.

Aqua, having finished off the bottle she had been drinking from, tosses said bottle off to the side before walking over to Kazuma with wavering steps.

She then places a hand onto Kazuma's shoulder to help steady herself while saying-

"I can't feel any actual curse present within him. Most likely, it was all just a bluff by that guy just to get us to come after him so he could have some fun. I mean, think about it. He seems like the sort of guy who would pull such a prank as this."

"Wait a minutes, Aqua. If that's true then why was in suffering intense pain just a moment ago?" asked Kazuma.

"Isn't it obvious, Kazuma. Darkness did throw you quite hard just a moment ago and your landing was a rather rough one too, wasn't it? Besides, you're just a weak shut in NEET so you'd probably take a lot more damage from even a simple fall than most other people would."

"That makes sense" said both Megumin and Darkness as they nod agreeably.

"Wait, are you three all saying I'm a total weakling here?" Kazuma asked them, getting all three of them to say "Wait, are you saying you aren't?"

Kazuma sighs before asking Aqua "Whatever, just heal me already, Aqua."

Aqua did use Heal on him, but only after she made Kazuma agree to buy her all the food and drink she could ask for over the rest of the day.

Two days later-

"Hey Aqua, are you sure that Dullahan didn't curse me the other day? I'm starting to feel some pain here."

"You're fine, Kazuma. You probably just slept funny last night inside the barn. But, because I'm a generous soul, I will heal you here... Heal." After a pause, she adds "Now you can repay my by paying off my bar tab from yesterday."

Four days after meeting Verdia-

"Kazuma, are you feeling OK? You aren't looking to good here" said Megumin, taking note of how he was holding his sides.

"Aqua, maybe you should go ahead and cast Spell Break on Kazuma, if only to be safe here" said Darkness, looking at the useless goddess who was performing a party trick for no reason.

She huffs at the three of them, then says with an annoyed tone "Guys, I told you, that wimpy NEET is fine. He's probably experiencing something akin to phantom pains due to a uncalled for fear here. Just wait, I'm sure he'll snap out of his delusions here before we know it", and all the while, she didn't bother to even stop doing her worthless party trick.

Seven days after Verdia-

"Ka-Zu-Ma; can you please lend my some eris? You see, I have this... um... really annoying debt I need to pay, so could you... what are you doing?"

Aqua looks at Kazuma, who was still lying on the blanket inside the stables; his skin ghostly pale and his body shaking badly.

"So, could you loan me 300 thousand eris? And could you do so without touching me here too? I don't want to catch whatever bug you seem to have caught."

Kazuma opens his sunken and glassy eyes and says to her in a weak voice "... aqua... I think I'm... dying here. ...please, use break spell... save me..."

"Geez Kazuma, you're still going on about that? How many times do I need to tell you; you are NOT cursed. But fine, if it will make you 'feel better' here, then I'll go ahead and perform Spell Break upon you. But first things first, can you loan me the eris... please."

Kazuma groans before weakling moving his hand, pointing to the bucket which Aqua goes over to and lifts up, finding his wallet beneath it. After confirming the amount she wanted was in there, as well as a little extra, she jumps for joy over and over.

"... aqua... please, help me... now..."

Aqua stops her celebration and looks at him and says "Hm? Oh right, that. Just give me a few minutes to go do something and I'll be right back to take care of that." Aqua then skips off, not to pay any debt she owed, but to instead go buy some more of her favorite wine while it was still in stock.

Day 8 following the meeting with Verdia-

Aqua skips into the barn once again, having spent nearly a day at the guild hall drinking herself into an actual debt.

"Ka-Zu-Ma; do you remember yesterday when I came by and said I owed a debt? Well, funny thing there... I was actually lying about that as I really just wanted some eris to buy more of my favorite bubbly... but I really have a debt that needs clearing so could you be ever so kind and... what's going on here, you two?"

She asked this to Darkness, who was knelt down beside Kazuma, and Megumin, who had her head resting upon Kazuma's unmoving chest, crying like a baby.

She then looks at Kazuma, seeing his gray colored skin, lifeless eyes, and the smell that was coming off him which makes her pinch her nose.

"Pee-yew Kazuma; I know this is a barn and all but that's no excuse to just let yourself get all stinky like that. Hurry up and take a bath already you lazy hikki NEET!"

Darkness and Megumin then turn to her, giving her an icy glare that makes her flinch back.

"Wha-what's gotten into you two? Why are you looking at me for? I haven't done nothing wrong. If anything is anyone's fault here, then it has to be this lazy bum who has spent the last few days hold up in here. Anyways, hurry up and stop slacking off and get up, Kazuma."

"He can't, Aqua" said Darkness with a stern voice before reaching out to Kazuma, lifting one of his lifeless limbs into the air before letting it go; making it drop like a stone before looking back at Aqua and says "He's dead!"

"Eh? Dead? He can't be dead. I mean, when would he have..."

Megumin then looks at her at last, with tears still falling from her eyes as she says angrily "You said he wasn't cursed, that it was 'all in his mind' too. Does this look like it was all in his mind, Aqua?"

"But you guys, he wasn't cursed... oops, I forgot..." said Aqua, recalling at that moment she had told Kazuma she would come back yesterday to 'heal him' once she had paid her 'debt.' She then sighs as she walks towards Kazuma's body and kneels down so she can touch it.

"What do you mean 'oops', Aqua?" they both asked her.

"Don't worry about it; it's not important. Anyways, like I said before, Kazuma was NOT... oh...I guess he really was cursed?"

She then mumbles to herself "Oh right, I forgot. Ever since I was forced down here, I find my godly senses becoming dulled whenever I'm under the effect of the drink."

Aqua quickly stands as the other two intensifies their glares at her. Aqua then gives them a sheepish look as she conks her head and sticks her tongue out in an apologetic way as she says-

"Um... my bad, so... um... Nature's Beauty!"

They give her a deadpan look as she goes to perform a a party trick in order to lighten the mood in the room.

After that day, Megumin and Darkness made an important decision; that being that they would never ever take anything Aqua says at face value ever again and that they would never side with her over Kazuma again either.

And as for Kazuma? Did Aqua ever get around to reviving him? Well, dear readers; I'll let you decide on that one...

The End...or is it?

AN: Well, this was the first chapter of my 'what-if' mostly comedy based series. Before I let you go, and assuming anyone is still reading here, I would like to ask a question to my readers here.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what else you would like to see me 'what if' here?

It can be any scene either from the anime or light novel, just be sure to be specific like what episode/season or what book, chapter, part the scene comes from in order to make my work be as quick as possible.

Also, if you would like the alternate scene to play out a certain way, please be sure to also say what you would like to see. For example; say you asked for an alternate scene where "Megumin gets pissed at Kazuma for NOT doing as she asked at the end of the movie/volume 5 and how you would like her to express her anger towards Kazuma."

Also, I can't be sure how many chapters this fic will actually go for. It all depends on how many ideas I can come up with myself and how many suggestions I get from you, the readers, given to me either through reviews or PM's.

And, even if I've already done an alternate version of a scene, say like what I did here with chapter one, don't be afraid on still suggesting other alternate versions of the Verdia first encounter scene; like what if Aqua or Megumin had been cursed or what if Kazuma and Megumin had gone ahead, not knowing Aqua had already saved Darkness till after they got back (if they make it back).

Anyway, for the next chapter, how about...

"How the encounter with Mitsurugi might have gone IF the girls had accepted his offer."

How will that play out and will the status quo go back to normal by the end?