A/N: The following is a parody and a fanfiction. I own only my characters and the plot. I also don't apologize for the following political jokes, but I will apologize if any other joke offends you.
The Warper News Network (the series)
January 2022
(Cues: Z-TV Techno Song)
The logo flashes with three letters, "WNN", the Warper News Network. WNN is one of the three major news networks among reality warpers.
"WNN, the place that's not fake-conservative or idiotically liberal, and we continue to not bend to being woke like those putzes in certain fandoms. We're the Warper News Network bringing you our questionable outlook! Here's 2022, the year where we just hoping for better year and accept the dragging pain. Here's Beerus and Whis." The announcer said as the lights shine on the set.
Beerus and Whis just had the look of complete boredom on their faces as they adjusted the ties on their suits.
"So this is the new year, the yeast infection from the east is still killing people left and right. What version are we now? I Hate You or Omicron?" Beerus asked.
"Beerus, I stopped counting at Delta." Whis said getting a coffee mug to have sip. "Have the vaccines made an impact?"
"I don't know if we're allowed to even mention if it does or not." Beerus said taking a drag of his now lit cigarette. "People still getting it anyway, no matter our thoughts on it."
"The virus or the vaccine?" Whis asked.
"Both. Moving onto the Epstein case, more evidence is coming out about the former Prince Andrew. And basically water is wet…and Bill Clinton is further linked to the disgraced prince." Beerus said tiredly having another drag. "Just wait, it'll all go downfall from here."
"Let's see…we have more police brutality cases…how about we talk entertainment?" Whis asked.
"2021 was a shit year for animation. Probably only a few things worth watching. 2022 started off with that garbage 355 movie. But it seems wokeness is a dying trend." Beerus said before yawning. "Let's see…in gaming new-Oh…oh shit."
"What's wrong?" Whis said.
"Blizzard's been bought out by Microsoft." Beerus said stoically.
"Oh, that's just great." Whis said dryly. "That's what we need. Another conglomerate absorbing companies left and right. Are we waiting for Disney and Microsoft to form an alliance?"
"You'd have more assurance of that happening then the approval rates of most politicians in office now." Beerus said. "Onto warper news, things have been eerily quiet. It seems Rendo Nexus activity on the forefront has been silent lately."
"So, some Czech singer died after…deliberately infecting herself with COVID. Let's give a round of applause for a new entry to the Darwin Awards of Stupidity." Beerus said as the news staff give a faux applause. "Right next to Alec Baldwin being accused of more crimes next to his murder."
The applause stopped as Beerus took a longer drag before putting out the stub of the cigarette on the desk.
"So there's this thing called NFTs. We are Warper News Network will remind everyone that there companies who sold stars doing the same thing as NFTs." Whis pointed out.
Krillin walked on screen with a thick folder with an annoyed look.
"Well some warper is trying to sell NFTs…some of it pictures of us." Krillin said before leaving fuming.
Beerus punched a hole in the desk.
"Do we even have any good news?" Beerus asked.
"Apparently, King of the Hill's creator started their own animation studio with new shows in the future. King of the Hill is even getting a revival next to Beavis and Butt-head." Whis said looking dow at a few papers.
"But I don't watch any of those shows!" Beerus whined. "Is Daria coming back?"
Whis shrugged.
"Do we have any good news we actually care about?" Beerus asked.
"The new Dragon Ball movie coming out…" Whis said. "And there's talk that Mirai Studios is upping production speed. And Anime Confessions is returning…"
"So, this is the year we're in now." Beerus said dryly before getting up. "Welp, I'm going to do some pot."
"See you warpers, later." Whis said going to join him.
Bulma ran onto the set clearly furious.
"What about our company's anti-drug policy?!" She screamed. "A new year of…"
"Screw that, this year sucks and I'm not high enough for this shit." Beerus said off-screen.
"We're supposed to setting a good example!" Bulma pleaded.
"I got your example right here!" Beerus said crassly.
The camera turned to show Beerus was flipping Bulma off before he went out the door. The camera turned to a twitching Bulma who slumped in the chair on the desk looking miserable.
"Well, this is a lousy start to the year…this can't get any worse." Bulma said.
"The Italian senate Zoom meeting got hacked with hackers showing an explicit video of Tifa from Final Fantasy 7. Tifa Lockhart has now returned to meme status and celebrated by posing naked on a rug modeled after the Italian flag." Vegeta said reading off a report as he walked on screen. "Better?"
Bulma started to laugh as did a few others. It did not wash the pain of the beginning of the year, but it was a brief lapse of something to make fun of.
(A/N: Even the newscasters are tired, this is 2022 people.)
