Chapter 1
Martyr
Technicalities.
It was easier to fall back into her usual banter than to confess the feelings she kept buried deep. In the end, it all boiled down to technicalities. As the only person capable of working on a cure, she was his only hope. And he was her way out of this mess, a way to escape and take down the organization she had known her entire life. Thus, it was easier to resort to cold retorts and icy remarks. Easier to use harsh words to keep him at bay and lie…to herself.
"Why did you do that?" He asked, azure eyes boring into her own. Though she would never admit it, she liked his eyes. Warm blue eyes, filled with passion, showing fiery emotions unlike any of her former colleagues. She turned away from him, wincing slightly at the wound at her side. A medical machine beeps next to her every so often. An IV drip hangs above the needle inserted in her wrist.
The bright white lights of the hospital ward do nothing to help her condition. His arms were folded, and his lips were set in a grim line. He was positively livid, hot, and bothered under his usual collared blue shirt. "And why does it matter, Kudou?" she replied dismissively. She heard his exasperated breath, his arms tightening, his hands curled into fists.
"Were you trying to leave!" He spat. There was a pregnant pause, a silence that stretched across. It took every ounce of willpower for Shiho not to wince. The accusatory tone is enough to leave her speechless.
"Kudou," she said after a while, her voice controlled and icy. The tone was deliberate. "Were you blind?" she inquired. "In case you didn't notice, trying to save the children from getting stabbed is completely different from wanting to kill oneself."
"You didn't even attempt to defend yourself!" He countered.
"The robber was strong. How do you expect an eight-year-old to fight back?!"
He cuts her off. "He stabbed you, Haibara!" Shinichi exclaimed. "But you didn't fight back. In fact, you smiled. What makes you think I wouldn't notice?!"
His arms were raised in the air, pointing accusatory fingers at her. His words were biting, and she wished for the darkness of Hakase's basement right now. She could not look at him and could only look down at her pale hands, still bruised from the attack.
Did she smile? Shiho couldn't recall. All she remembered was the burly man dressed in black. He reminded her of Vodka, but the uncanny resemblance quickly disappeared after he opened his mouth. This robber was not a cold, calculated killer but rather a rabid instigator determined to escape. He brandished the short silver dagger as he ran with a gurratual cry towards the detective boys and Ayumi.
At that moment, all Shiho could see was her sister. Of Akemi Miyano, lying in the rain, a jacket covering her still body. Her reaction was almost immediate. Kudou could not stop her. The robber raised the knife and roared as she jumped between him and the children. Shiho was ready for it and almost welcomed it. He slammed the dagger down into her side, the pain almost instantaneous. She did not struggle. All she felt was peace. In her heart, she had always known that she would have to disappear one day. It made no difference if that someday was today. As he raised his dagger again, a football lodged in his face, and he collapsed to the ground. Shiho did too, albeit a little slowly, sinking to her knees as the wound by her side gushed with blood. Pain radiates from within, causing her knees to give way. The blood was warm, metallic, a familiar smell that Shiho wished she could forget, but it also brought comfort.
"Akemi," she thought. She felt hands cupping her face, heard cries from the children, and shouts from him. And the last thing she remembered was—
"Akemi. I am on my way."
Shiho was pulled back to reality when a hand gently lifted her chin. She found herself staring at those deep cyan eyes once again, wavering, burning—warm. There was something else, something she could not decipher. And she thought she had learned to read him. That she knew his behaviors, his strange habits—everything. But here again, he stood, a mystery. A puzzle she couldn't solve.
"Stop trying to run away, Haibara," Shinichi whispered, "Stop trying to sacrifice yourself."
She was almost taken aback by the sincerity in his voice. Shiho wanted to believe in him.
She wanted to be—
But she paused, sweeping the thought aside. Shiho had to rationalize this. She couldn't let herself fall again. Couldn't allow herself to be swayed by his boyish charm. It would hurt too much. The secrets she kept would poison him just like they did with her. She didn't want him to suffer, so she did the only thing she could.
Technicalities.
In the end, everything fell back to technicalities.
"Don't kid yourself, Kudou," Shiho said with a smirk, "I wouldn't do something so stupid. In fact, if I had been you, I would have just let him stab you. Then maybe I wouldn't have to work on that abominable drug anymore."
His jaw dropped, but he recovered quickly, and he snorted. "Sure, sure," Shinichi grumbled and released her.
"Did you solve the case in the end," she asked, "Corpse magnet?"
"Urgh, why are you so—" he paused, "Never mind."
"You've been out for two days. Get some rest. And if you must know, yes, I did solve it. No thanks to you, though."
"Ara, if it weren't for me, you wouldn't have the murder weapon," Shiho replied, pointing to the wound on her side.
"Are you serious?" Shinichi asked.
"You're welcome," she replied.
"Haibara, there are other ways to get it," he fumes.
"Stabbing me was the fastest way, wasn't it?" she jokes, amused by his glare.
"You're an idiot," he retorted.
"Ara? Worried? If you fret too much, Kudou, you'll get wrinkles and lose your hair," she chuckles a little when he reaches for his hair and narrows his eyes. "Besides, I'm not some weak princess you need to protect."
It is her words that come back to bite her. The lie she told caused her to falter for a moment. The sharp pang spreads across her chest, and she retreats.
I'm not someone worthy of—
Suddenly, he was standing before her, his hands uncharacteristically cupping her cheeks. Stunned, she could only remain still.
"You might not know," Shinichi began, "but you mean a lot to us. To Hakase, to Mitsuhiko, to Ayumi, to Genta, heck—" he paused. He was struggling with himself, his feelings surfacing ever so slightly in those wavering blue eyes.
"Even to me," he admitted quietly.
Shiho urged herself to stay calm. To stop the furious pounding happening in her chest. But the feelings overflowed, and she could not look away.
"Please, Haibara," he whispered. "Do not go."
Then he released her, and she was able to breathe again. Shinichi was blushing slightly, and Shiho was sure she would too if she didn't control herself. She had to erase this notion. Shiho could not allow herself to go too deep. It was easier to pretend than to admit the truth.
So she lied.
"Of course, I won't," she smirked, her voice carrying the playful quality that irritated Shinichi. "Who would stop Hakase then from turning into a whale?"
He hated when she did that, and she found herself smirking as he went about arguing with her. Their banter continued into the night. A game she would continue for as long as she could.
Later, when she was alone in the darkness of her private ward, Shiho allowed herself to cry. A lump formed in her throat as her chest constricted. The tears started slowly but then grew, and soon she could not stop. Leaning back to the pillows, hands cupping her eyes, with the wound pounding feverishly at her side, thoughts of her sister haunted her deep into the night.
He was right.
Shiho Miyano had wanted to die.
