Prologue: What the fucknuggets?

Somewhere in a suburban home...

'Great, just fucking great.' Dave Herrick thought as he read the news. 'So GW screwed all of us by getting rid of the animations. By all that is holy, I wish to strangle the man who made this happen.'

He gets up from his computer. 'I need to calm down.' He passes by his collection of Warhammer figure's he acquired over his 25-year-old life on both the coffee table and near the tv. Most of them were 3D printed.

There was his homebrew Warband of Emperor's children, originally a loyal chapter before finding out they were Fulgrim's sons, then turning renegade. They were specialists in counter-chemical warfare ironically enough, so that meant a lot of chem-proof Centurions for their Chapter-turned-Legion. They call themselves the Decedent Sons. They follow both Slaanesh and the Emperor so that was a little bit awkward for anyone who met them.

Another batch was a company of Sisters of Battle. Their story was that their homeworld was invaded and turned into a Daemon planet and now they want revenge. They make heavy use of their special Rhino variants in assaults against the hated Psyker. They are The Order of the Iron Maiden.

He had also at least a battalion of Vostroyan Guardsmen along with a detachment of Valkaryies. Other than some Venators with Multi-lasers, the Guardsmen don't really have that much firepower. They do have a single Lascannon squad. The Bronze Bears was a neat name for them.

Then there was his prize, a fucking Warmaster-class Titan. Thank god he had a decent paying job as an elevator mechanic guy (A/N Which pays really well according to the website, Cracked). The thing had the standard Plasma cannons along with its secondary weapons of missiles and autocannons. He named it Protector because of its close proximity to the fridge, acting as a sentry against Dave's dog, Charlie when he wanted a snack. There's something about it that Charlie sees, where he takes a sniff then walks away respectfully. Dave never knew why.

Dave got a glass and poured himself some chocolate milk. He checked his schedule and notice that there was nothing much to do today, may as well play some DOOM. He walks away from the counter to see that the Titan that stood next to his fridge, was staring at his dog. It's also bigger, like more model accurate to the normal-sized models.

It turns its head around and proceeded to wave its gun as a hello. "Greetings my Lo-."

he did not let him continue as he screamed really, really loud. "Oh, holy fuck!" he staggered back into the kitchen counter. "You're alive!?"

"Yes." He spoke in a simple metallic voice.

"Why?"

"The Emperor told me you would say that, the answer is incredibly simple, it's fun. Well, that's what he told me." Dave just stood there with an open mouth. He broke down in confusion. "My Lord if I may advise, just don't think on it much."

He nodded his head "O-okay?" He stood back up and look at the rest of the models. "Will they awaken as well?"

"Indeed, though it will be around 2 Terran hours before they will. We shall use that time to prepare my Lord."

Soon they prepare by going down the basement, Dave had to carry the heavy Titan down and boy was he heavy and used a large battle table to place the models. He placed the Sisters on one side and the Space Marines on the other. The Imperial Guard was placed in the middle with deliberate disorganization to make sure they won't shoot at him and will hopefully slow down the Sisters and the Marines.

When the time came all of them woke up, with a fuckton of results. The Sisters imminently target the marines and vice versa while the Gaurd were thankfully unorganized to do a mass assault, yet. It appears the Sisters know that the Space Marines are Chaos.

"Um, excuse me?" They ignored him as the two sides charged into the confused Imperial Guard mass. The Commissars try to regain order while the lieutenant Colonel figured out what the hell is happening. He made up his mind and ordered a charge against both.

Dave had an idea and lifted the Titan. The Titan understood and blasted its warhorn, causing every single model to flinch at the noise. They turned and saw a large human carrying a Titan. Dave put the Titan onto the table and spoke.

"Can we all put our weapons down?" Some of the Guardsmen did while the Sisters and Marines kept their's aimed at him.

The Titan roared with a smaller horn blast "Put them down or I will stomp you under my feet." He stomped down one of his legs to emphasize their would-be demise. The rest put their guns down.

"Alright then, my name is Dave. I'm a human." The Imperials looked at him sceptically until one of the apothecaries looks at him very carefully.

"What he says is true, my scans indicate he is 100% human, what's more, is that there is not a single trace of warp on him." Everyone was taken aback, not a single sign of warp on him meant that he was more human than they are.

"And why should we trust you traitor?" A Canoness asks them. He mocking laughs along with his brothers.

"Unlike your, little girl scouts, I have a scanner." All the Hospitallers were giving him the stink eye before turning back to Dave.

"In that case, where are we and who are you?"

Dave cleared his throat. "Well, your on Holy Terra in the 2nd millennium, now called Earth, and my name is Dave."

"2nd millennium!?" All of them shouted and began to argue. This would go on before another horn blast from the Titan shut them up.

"For the love of the Emperor, shut the fuck up!" The Titan stomped his leg in frustration as everyone, finally, calmed down.

"Why are we here?" The Vostroyan Colonol spoke to Dave, staring at him in confusion and hope that they at least had a purpose.

"I don't-" Before he could finish a holographic message appeared in front of him.

-][-Hello, you may know me as the Emperor-][-

Prayers and kneeling came from the imperials while the Space Marines are indifferent.

Yes Yes hello my subjects, anyway. Mister Dave Delver I have chosen you to become my helper in the 41st millennium. I am making you as a Rogue Trader, with you minis as your crew. However, you will be given reinforcement from one of my friends, Lord Hospitaller*. You may not know him but he is one of the most powerful Blank Psyker, a feat in of itself, and trust me when I say this: a reliable critic.

A photo then appeared with a man in Hospitaller armour riding a camel into battle.

This was taken when he decided to try and ride a camel into battle somewhere near Antioch, it went surprisingly well. Besides that the reason I chose you out of hundreds if not thousands of others was that unlike them, you're my neighbour. Speaking of which I should be ringing the doorbell rrriiiiiiggggghhhhhtttt now.

The holographic text diapered as the doorbell rang. Dave looked at his fanatic models before rushing to the door.

When he opened the door he had wide eyes. In front of him was a middle-aged man with long black hair, wearing a white t-shirt and baggy jeans. Flanking him were two women. One, Dave could only think, was Isha the Eldar goddess wearing a grey hoodie and jeans. The other was wearing short ripped jeans and a tank top that hugged tightly to her chest, if not for the collar with the Slanneshi symbol he would not recognize her as Slaanesh.

"Why is Isha and Slaanesh here?"

The Emperor chuckled. "Reality has been altered, don't know how but it has. I even have a perpetual friend, Johnathan Parker, aka the Lord Hospitaller." He gestures behind him across the street to see Dave's new neighbour. It was a man in crusading armour sitting on a folding chair drinking orange juice. "He's one of the few to make it in the 40k universe and is a very powerful Psyker, but has self-imposed limits."

"I'm also not a dick like you asshole!" He shouted at us before summoning and playing on a phone.

"That too. Anyway, if you look to the right. you shall see the 3 Chaos gods."

Dave looks to his right to see a blue-haired anime-protagonist wannabe looking from the window being caught surprised and closing in the shutters. In the kitchen was a sickly fat fellow who spat into a frying pan while cooking. And in another window was a violent gamer screaming to some poor dude that his father was his mother.

"Yeah, most of my power is used to contain them for now. The reason Slaanesh is here is this was before her transformation, yeah even I did not know that." All 3 of them stand around for a bit more in awkwardness. "Welp, good luck!" They walk back to their home which was to Dave's left.

Closing the door, a bewildered and dumbstruck Dave went back to his basement. He had seen many things as an elevator mechanic, even once saw a human arm, but his shit was way above his head. It's like some weird fanfic or something.

He puts his hands on the table. "So, do I have to buy a model ship or-"

The four corners of the table light up to reveal a 3d cutout of a Rogue Trader Cruiser. "Oh come on!" At this rate, he'll have a heart attack at the ripe age of right now.

End of Chapter, beginning of some weird shit that I wanted to write.

* The Lord Hospitaller is the main character of my other work The Last Knight which you can find on my profile.