The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone out partying. Hope you all had a better year than Cobra did. That's not exactly a high bar to overcome…but still.
Anyway I decided to make a long chapter saga about a year in Cobra's life (if you can call it that) from one New Year's Eve to another. Chapters will be infrequent and whenever I feel like it. But lets enjoy the ride shall we as we embark on…
Year of The Cobra
Chapter 1: The Slide of Stupidity and Futility
"Why do we have to have an end of year meeting to discuss the state of affairs of Cobra?" Destro complained to Cobra Commander and the Baroness as they made their way down the halls of their hidden base. "We know what our state of affairs are in Cobra. We're broke, barely functioning and have as much power as a substitute teacher on the last day of school. That's what the affairs of Cobra are! End of story!"
"Well somebody's in a grumpy mood," Cobra Commander quipped. "You're more pessimistic than usual."
"I'm just saying I am glad this nightmare called a year is almost over," Destro grumbled.
"What did you expect from the year 2013?" The Baroness asked. "All sunshine and rainbows?"
"It has been an unusually…" Cobra Commander began when something distracted him. It was the sound of music coming from Mindbender's new lab. Specifically the sound of Lady Gaga's Applause. "What the…?"
"Oh God no…" Destro winced. "Please let this not be a repeat of his Madonna fixation in the 80's."
"I know I'll never get the sight of Mindbender wearing that cone bra out of my nightmares," The Baroness groaned.
"I don't suppose we could just walk by and pretend he's not in there can we?" Cobra Commander asked hopefully.
"Not if he's doing a pyrotechnic show along with his dance routine," Destro sighed as he pushed open the door. "Brace yourselves. We're going in."
"Must we?" Cobra Commander whined.
"Oh goody," The Baroness drawled as they entered the lab. "Something new to tell my therapist."
Inside they saw Mindbender in the lab singing and dancing. The six Battle Android Troopers were moving in synch with Mindbender's movements to a laser light show behind him. What was really disturbing was that he was wearing purple glitter short shorts along with his usual lack of shirt attire and cape and purple glitter thigh high boots. And he had glitter all over his chest and head.
"I live for the applause…applause…applause!" Mindbender was having the time of his life doing a routine that would make the singer he was emulating be uncomfortable with.
"At least he's only using lasers this time," Cobra Commander sighed. "And not the ones that can blow things up."
"And he's wearing more clothes than last time," The Baroness sighed.
"Could have been worse," Destro winced. "It could have been the song Wrecking Ball."
"Thank you Destro for giving me more nightmares," Cobra Commander moaned.
Mindbender finished his routine with a flourish. "YEAHHH!" He whooped as he finished.
He was greeted with the sound of dry applause. "Bravo, Mindbender. You have officially become the creepiest fan boy on Earth," Cobra Commander quipped.
"Uh…" Mindbender realized he had an audience.
"I see you've got the remaining BATS working," Destro deadpanned. "Of course it's not exactly the programming we intended."
"This is like the Madonna episode," The Baroness groaned. "Which is actually fitting if you think about it."
"I can explain…" Mindbender gulped.
"We know you can but we don't want to hear it," Destro stopped him. "Mindbender the Battle Android Troopers are supposed to strike fear into our enemies! Not be your backup dancers for a floor show!"
"On the other hand it's a lot less disturbing than your usual hobbies in the lab so…" Cobra Commander sighed. "I think I'm going to actually encourage this one. At least with you singing there is a significant decrease in decapitated heads rolling around on the floor."
"Uh as you see I have managed to salvage seven BATS," Mindbender tried to regain what little professionalism he had.
"Seven? I only see six," The Baroness looked around. "Oh wait there's one running a camera. Never mind."
"Cut! Cut!" Mindbender made a motion and the BAT obeyed.
"As tempting as it is to cut you I think I've been disturbed enough for one day," Cobra Commander groaned. "Turn your toys off and come with us to the meeting room. We're having a meeting."
"Okay…" Mindbender nodded, deactivated the BATS and followed them.
"Uh don't you want to change?" The Baroness gave him a look.
"Why? I'm comfortable," Mindbender blinked.
"We're not!" Destro groaned. "Another example of another horrible year of Cobra as we once again slide down even further on the slide of stupidity and futility."
"Destro has the case of the holiday blues," Cobra Commander explained.
"I have a case of the Cobra Blues!" Destro snapped. "Which means that our organization is in the red, my bruises have turned black and I distinctly smell the decay of something brown in the lower levels of this base!"
"Oh that's not what you think it is," Mindbender spoke up. "I was trying some new experiments with algae and it didn't work. Aside from that slight hiccup I think I had a good year. I had some rather successful breakthroughs in my lab and financially."
"Financially successful? Mindbender you made more money stealing coins and laundry detergent from laundromats!" Destro told him.
"I also got some nice clothes and met some very nice, very lonely laundromat attendants who were more than willing to look the other way for some attention if you get my drift," Mindbender grinned.
"Oh you are disgusting," The Baroness winced as they entered the conference room. "Then again I suppose a fat laundromat worker is a step up from your experiments."
"Only one of them was technically fat," Mindbender frowned. "And she could do things…"
"NO! NO! NO!" Destro yelled. "For the love of God Mindbender I'd rather have by teeth cleaned by Torch than listen to tales of your sex life!"
"All in all it was still a good year for me," Mindbender shrugged.
"If this is a good year for you I'd hate to see a bad one," Destro remarked as they sat down in the conference room.
"It was a good year for all of us!" Mindbender said.
"How? Explain that to me," Cobra Commander gave him a look. "Walk me through this."
"Well for starters we are no longer living on a boat," Mindbender pointed out. "And in a much nicer base than our other one."
"Yes instead of a substandard base that smells like chicken grease we are in a substandard base that smells like fish," The Baroness wrinkled her nose.
"It's still bigger and better equipped than our old base," Mindbender pointed out.
"A failing middle school filled with asbestos is bigger and better equipped than our old base," Cobra Commander snapped.
"It has a Tiki bar!" Mindbender said.
"So did our old base. In my office!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Which meant I didn't have to share with anyone!"
"We made some new friends…" Mindbender went on.
"We made a lot more new enemies!" The Baroness snapped.
"We have two new members of Cobra who even you have to admit are improvements over the Dreadnoks," Mindbender added.
"A dead goldfish is an improvement over the Dreadnoks!" Destro snapped. "And don't remind me about those traitors!"
"Yes the last thing we need is another four hour rant about the Dreadnoks buying up your ancestral home and kicking your insane relatives out on the street," Cobra Commander groaned. "I don't know why you're upset about that anyway. The place was a dump and you hate your family."
"It's the principle of the thing all right?" Destro snapped. "And I only hate half of my family. There are some members I actually like."
"Too bad they all want you dead," The Baroness quipped.
"We saw a lot of the world and travelled," Mindbender went on.
"We blew up a lot of the world and caused destruction everywhere we travelled," Destro corrected.
"We ran into sea monsters, ghosts, pirates, ghost pirates…" Cobra Commander counted off. "Former employees and experiments that nearly killed us. The stupid seagulls…We were almost blown up by GI Joe at least twice…Destro you were right! There is nothing good about this year we have to rehash about!"
"AAAAAAH!" The sounds of twins screaming could be heard.
"Get moving! Move it! Move it! Move it!" Steve One could be heard.
"Really? Nothing good?" Mindbender smirked. "Perhaps you want to think that over again Commander?"
"AAAAAHHH!" The Crimson Twins yelled as they entered the room. This was due to Steve One and Two tasering them. They fell to the ground twitching.
"Okay I'll give you that one," Cobra Commander conceded. "The entertainment has gotten better but other than that our year has been miserable. Surviving by the skin of our teeth…"
"And the lack of wits," The Baroness gave the Commander a look. "Speaking of lack of wits why the tasers Steve One and Two?"
"Cobra Commander told us to bring them here without delay," Steve One shrugged. "Even if we had to taser them."
"Did you really have to taser them?" The Baroness asked.
"Urgle furgle…" The twins twitched and simultaneously drooled on the carpet.
"No, but we thought we should do it to be sure," Steve Two shrugged. "At least that's what Steve said."
"Good call," Cobra Commander looked at the twins on the floor. "Take a seat Steves. At the very least we've gained someone with some managing experience."
"Cool. Who'd we get?" Steve Two asked as he took a seat.
"Yeah who?" Steve One asked.
"All right time for the end of year review," Cobra Commander decided it was best to press on. "Now I know this year hasn't exactly been our best. Or our second best. Or…Well we've had worse. At least we're a little better off than last year which is a victory in my book. Okay maybe not exactly a victory but…"
"Way to inspire us Cobra Commander," The Baroness groaned.
"Now I realize that Cobra fell a little short of our goals this year…" Cobra Commander went on.
"A little short?" Destro called out. "Commander Macy's is closer to world domination than we are!"
"Forget Macy's," The Baroness moaned. "Even JC Penny's is closer than we are and they're doomed!"
"That's not necessarily true," Mindbender spoke up. "I heard their sales are going up."
"Well they couldn't have gotten much further down," Destro shrugged. "Besides it is the holiday season. Of course sales are going to go up. Those stupid little kiosks that sell calendars at the mall do well on the holidays. Any idiot can make money during the season of giving crap to your loved ones and getting whatever you can at half off."
"I feel we are getting off track here," Cobra Commander stopped them. "As I was saying…"
"Half off? Who are they kidding?" The Baroness grumbled. "Everyone knows that the stores mark up their prices forty percent then purposely knock them down only twenty percent to make a profit!"
"That's why I always follow the thirty percent rule," Mindbender sniffed. "If it's not thirty percent or lower. I don't buy it."
"What exactly do you buy?" Destro asked. "You don't even wear shirt. Which I admit must save you a fortune."
"I buy things!" Mindbender protested. "I buy clothes! What you think my face looks this good on its own? You try getting a good monocle at cost! And how do you think I keep my mustache and face perfectly groomed? You know how much a good quality moisturizer can cost?"
"Actually I usually get mine at Target," Steve One spoke up. "They got some good stuff just as good as the department stores but much cheaper."
"I've tried some of that stuff but for some reason my face breaks out and…" Mindbender went on.
"AS I WAS SAYING!" Cobra Commander yelled. "Obviously we haven't been as focused as a team as we should be. Mistakes were made…"
"By you," Destro remarked.
"We made a few wrong turns," Cobra Commander pressed on.
"Also that was you," Destro added.
"What did I do?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Do you want the top ten or just a general review of the whole year?" Destro asked.
"You're not still harping on Atlantis are you? Because that was not my fault!" Cobra Commander yelled.
"You were the one who started looting the jewels from the King of Atlantis' bathroom," Destro pointed out.
"Yes well I was…" Cobra Commander began.
"Without making sure the king wasn't in there at the time," Destro finished.
"In hindsight you really should have made sure his highness wasn't using the throne when you went in there," Mindbender smirked.
"It's not like he was just out there for all to see! There was a large screen! Okay?" Cobra Commander snapped. "And he was very quiet so I couldn't tell he was doing his business while I was doing my business of keeping Cobra afloat!"
"Wait…isn't Atlantis underwater?" Steve Two was confused.
"Yes," The Baroness gave him a look.
"Then why would he need to use a toilet?" Steve Two asked. "Wouldn't he just…go?"
"Maybe for number one but not for number two," Mindbender shrugged.
"So if we flush our waste into the ocean where does the ocean flush its waste?" Steve One asked. "Does Atlantis' sewers connect to land or what?"
"That would explain some of the smells at the docks in some coastal cities," Mindbender thought.
"Okay I'd rather go back to the shopping talk," Cobra Commander groaned. "If we're going to go off track I'd prefer a more sanitary conversation."
"How about this for conversation?" Destro folded his arms. "How about you do something about your drinking problem? How about that for a conversation? If you kicked the habit maybe all our plans wouldn't be so half assed and stupid?"
"The only drinking problem I have is that I don't drink enough around you people!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Destro does have a point Cobra Commander," The Baroness spoke up. "The quality of your schemes has really gone downhill these past few years."
"Like last year when we had to steal coal from Santa's train and nearly got killed by rampaging children and their drunken parents?" Mindbender added.
"And this year hasn't been that much better," The Baroness went on. "I had to steal half of our things in order to survive!"
"And I had to steal the other half," Mindbender nodded. "I'm the one who came up with stealing money and stuff from laundromats! Our only successful venture this year!"
"Don't forget we had to resort to trick or treating again in order to get something to eat let alone make a profit!" Destro added.
"Yes but this time the Baroness was able to trick three drunks into thinking she was a teenager and knocked them unconscious," Mindbender pointed out. "We got quite a haul."
"Would have been four if that wife hadn't walked in at that last moment and called the cops," The Baroness sighed.
"And don't forget how we celebrated Christmas Day!" Destro remarked. "We went to the mainland and broke into a corporate office to steal money and office supplies."
"Which is a perfect time to go because everyone is at home with their loved ones," Cobra Commander said. "Or at least that was the theory. How was I supposed to know that corporation was jointly owned by both a Muslim and a Jew? And how was I supposed to know that they would work so well together? Or that they both owned some high powered rifles and a flame thrower?"
"They really worked great chasing us out," Destro moaned. "We didn't even get a paper clip."
"We almost got third degree burns," The Baroness grumbled. "I guess it's just not Christmas for Cobra unless something gets set on fire!"
"That's why we're getting a jump on next year and need to come up with new schemes and plans to make Cobra great again!" Cobra Commander said. "Or at the very least make us some cash."
"Oh goody," Destro drawled. "We get to come up with new ways to risk our lives for very little money and a whole lot of humiliation and failure!"
"Let's just do some brainstorming shall we?" Cobra Commander sighed. "I know that's a difficult task considering the lack of brain cells in this room but let's give it a shot. No idea is too insane or stupid to come up with. I mean we are the terrorist group that came up with giant vegetables attacking Chicago for crying out loud."
"How about we have giant vegetables attack Cleveland?" Steve Two spoke up.
"Uh let's just put that on the maybe pile and keep going?" Cobra Commander let it go. "Anyone else?"
"Ooh! You know how we've been stealing from laundromats in Florida? It's time to branch out to other states!" Mindbender spoke up. "I hear Louisiana is nice this time of year!"
"I can't believe I'm saying this but seeing that Mindbender's little side job is the only profit we've made these past few months…" Destro groaned. "I think that is a plausible idea."
"Yeah okay fine, go for it," Cobra Commander waved. "But let's not limit ourselves shall we?"
"Ooh! We could steal from vending machines too!" Steve Two spoke up. "Especially those that give out candy and those snack cakes! Yum!"
"Wonderful. We'll start an international petty crime ring," Cobra Commander sighed. "Anything else?"
"How about counterfeiting? I hear that's a pretty good racket," The Baroness asked.
"We tried that. Remember? With the knockoff Twinkies?" Destro pointed out.
"Oh right," The Baroness blinked. "Well let's try something other than snack cakes this time."
"How about alcohol?" Steve One said cheerfully.
"Uh we tried that too," Mindbender fidgeted. "Before you joined us. You know that stuff I made for Cobra Commander at sea?"
"The just plain shine? I recall," Destro sighed. "What about it?"
"Let's just say Cobra Commander and I test marketed that at one of our ports of call and it didn't go over very well," Mindbender winced.
"Was it the place where there was a sudden outbreak of violent explosive diarrhea?" Destro realized.
"Uh yes and a few…cat fatalities," Cobra Commander coughed. "The details aren't important. Moving on."
"We send giant vegetables to attack Cleveland!" Steve Two spoke up.
"We said that already," Steve One said.
"Oh well then how about we just go to Cleveland and let the giant vegetables attack us?" Steve Two giggled.
"Steve are you high again?" Cobra Commander sighed.
"No man I'm just drunk," Steve Two told them.
"You know for once I think Steve Two is onto something," Destro sighed. "I suggest a new plan. We all get plastered and don't sober up until the middle of January."
"Now who drinks too much?" Cobra Commander quipped as Destro got up and moved to a small bar at the other end of the room.
"Alcoholism is a disease, Cobra Commander," Destro gave him a look. "And unfortunately for us you're a carrier!"
"Carrier? He's the Typhoid Mary of alcoholism," The Baroness remarked as the functioning members of Cobra went to get some drinks.
"Can we see if there's anything good on TV?" Steve One indicated the television mounted on the wall.
"Why not?" Cobra Commander shrugged as he found a remote and turned on the TV. "Finding anything good on TV at this time of year is always a challenge."
"Finding anything good on TV at any time of the year is always a challenge," Destro sighed as he took a drink.
"Coming up next!" An announcer spoke up. "America's newest addiction! Badminton With the Stars! Who could forget last week's amazing match between Harley Steen and Larry Russey?"
"BATS! BATS EVERYWHERE!" An older star waved a badminton racket around.
"Here birdie…birdie, birdie…hic…" Another star staggered around waving his racket. "Birdie…" He turned around and the birdie landed behind him. "Birdie?"
"A riveting four hour match where no one managed to get a single hit…" The Announcer sighed.
WHACK!
"OW!"
"Okay a cameraman and a couple of interns got hit with a racket but still…" The Announcer went on.
"I rest my case…" Destro sighed. "Commander…"
"I'm changing it…" Cobra Commander did so.
"Tonight a holiday special! Larry the Disgruntled Postal Service Elf! The story of a lonely elf at the North Pole…"
"Oh God no…" Cobra Commander grumbled. "Next!"
"Tonight! A Very Dracula Christmas!"
"Now while I enjoy a good bloodbath as much as the next person…" Destro sighed. "Next!"
CLICK!
"Next! Celebrity Hockey! The Ladies from the View take on The Five from Fox News!"
"Again as much as I like a good bloodbath…" Destro moaned.
CLICK!
"Holiday Fun from North Korea! Join our favorite former basketball star as he…"
"NO!" Cobra Commander changed the channel. "The last thing I want to do is hear about how great Little Kim is doing! He only got the job because of his Dad. I hate nepotism. Especially when it doesn't apply to me. Although I must admit I am interested to see what new purges he'll bring in the New Year…"
"Who will win The Great Christmas Tree Trimming Challenge?"
"Not the viewing audience that's for sure," The Baroness groaned.
CLICK!
"Next! A very special Family Matters version of A Christmas Carol! Will Urkel change his nerdy ways and…?"
CLICK!
"Lifetimes' Mrs. Scrooge!"
CLICK!
"The Cuddle Bunnies Christmas Carol!"
CLICK!
"A Goodfella's Christmas Carol!"
CLICK!
"Carol's Christmas Carol!"
"Bah freaking humbug!" Cobra Commander groaned as he changed the channel. "Why do they have to rehash the same freaking story five hundred and twenty seven times every year?"
"I agree. Albert Finney being Scrooge was clearly the best of the lot," Destro nodded.
"I have to disagree," The Baroness shook her head. "George C Scott was better."
"Please none of them could beat Alistair Sim," Cobra Commander waved.
"I dunno," Mindbender remarked. "I thought Michael Caine was rather good."
"From the Muppets version? You have got to be kidding?" The Baroness groaned.
"He was good! And Jim Carrey in that other one," Mindbender defended.
"You're all wrong," Steve One spoke up. "It's Scrooge McDuck. Hands down."
"Don't forget Mr. Magoo!" Steve Two spoke up.
"Okay I'm changing the channel and this conversation," Cobra Commander grumbled. "Before we lose any more brain cells!"
"I agree," Destro admitted as he took another drink. "That conversation was starting to sound too much like a Dreadnok conversation. And by Dreadnok conversation I mean a pile of complete and utter drivel. If I never hear another word from a Dreadnok it will be too soon!"
And right on cue just as he said that Cobra Commander changed the channel. "This is Chet Claret. We're here interviewing Lord Thomas Robert Wilkington Blinkin Smythe the Second," A black haired male reporter spoke in a studio.
"Uh technically I ain't a lord Chet ol boy," The familiar voice of Torch came out of a shockingly clean shaven well groomed red haired man in an expensive grey suit. "Kind of had a bit of a mishap before I was made a lord. Had to make a tinkle and ended up going in the wrong room."
"AAAGGGHH!" Destro yelled. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Oh here's something worth watching," Cobra Commander quipped. "Gather round everyone and watch Destro have another aneurism."
"That…That preposterous impostor!" Destro yelled at the TV. "TORCH! I RUE THE DAY I MET YOU, YOU DUNDERHEADED DREADNOK DIMWIT!"
"Oh yeah he was another guy that used to work for you until you fired him right?" Steve Two asked as Chet interviewed Torch.
"Work is a very loose definition of what he did," The Baroness sniffed.
"Tell me about it," Steve One said. "I was on the detail the day he and the other Dreadnoks decided to have the Let's Hit Things with a Hammer championship."
"Wait a second…" Cobra Commander did a double take. "Were you in the room across the hall and had the broken leg with the broken wrist?"
"No, I shared it with the guy who had the broken leg and wrist," Steve One corrected him. "I had the broken foot and the concussion. We both shared the room across from you."
"You know I thought we met before," Cobra Commander nodded. "Now I remember. You're the one who hit the guy who insisted on watching the curling championship on the television."
"I just never got the sport. And quite frankly the last thing I wanted to see was more heavy things thrown around…" Steve One shrugged.
"Oh that was fun," Cobra Commander began to chuckle. "When you hit the guy I laughed so hard I popped a stich."
"If you're done reminiscing I'd like to hear this!" Destro snapped. "What the hell has that drunken demon Dreadnok done now?"
"As you have just seen that was our interview with Thomas Smythe the Second last month. To recap our top story last night the headquarters for Mongoose Incorporated has burned to the ground due to the extreme negligence of its CEO, Thomas Smythe the Second," Chet spoke into the camera. "Here is recovered security camera footage of the incident."
"WHOO HOO! I'M A CEO AND I CAN SHOOT OFF GIANT ILLEGAL FIREWORKS ALL I WANT!" Torch whooped as he held a flamethrower. "IT'S GREAT TO BE RICH!"
"No! You fool don't use the flame…" Someone yelled off camera. Too late. Torch turned it on.
Explosions and bright lights were everywhere. "Oops," Torch coughed amid the smoke. "Sorry! My bad!"
"There is justice in the universe!" Destro crowed. "I KNEW IT!"
"Honestly are we really surprised this happened?" The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"What surprises me is that it took a whole year for it to happen," Cobra Commander remarked. "I was so sure he'd wreck the place by June."
"Well he didn't," Mindbender beamed. "So I win the betting pool! Boo-ya! This really is my year!"
"Smythe was arrested this morning on charges of accidental arson of his own company," Chet spoke. "As well as driving a stolen limo under the influence the wrong way down a freeway, trashing a hotel room at the Ritz Savoy Carson, stealing a chandelier from the hotel from the main lobby, and something very illegal and very immoral with a stolen penguin from the aquarium we really can't talk about on the air without getting fined by the FCC."
"YES! HA HA HA! REVENGE!" Destro crowed with glee. "THANK YOU UNIVERSE!"
"Now who saw this coming?" Cobra Commander shook his head. "Anyone with a brain cell!"
"So much for our competition," The Baroness scoffed.
"SUCK ON THAT ZARTAN!" Destro whooped with glee. "I swear I wish I could have been there to see that rat's face when this happened!"
"Maybe that's on a security camera too?" Steve One suggested.
"Good idea Steve," Destro grinned. "Remind me to check out TMZ and You Tube. If it exists it is bound to be on one or both of those websites sooner or later!"
"Wait a second…I just thought of something," Mindbender blinked.
"I'll alert social media," Destro deadpanned. "Hashtag Mindbender has a working brain cell."
"If Torch was arrested they would have taken his fingerprints wouldn't have they?" Mindbender asked.
"That normally is part of the procedure yes," Destro sighted. "Where are you going with this? Wait…I think I do."
"Unless Zartan and his new employers had the foresight to alter Torch's fingerprints as well as his appearance…" Mindbender realized.
"Oh I see where this is going…" Cobra Commander realized. "You don't suppose they did…?"
"We're getting a breaking news report," Chet spoke on the television. "In a stunning turn of events it has been revealed that Thomas Smythe is actually a wanted criminal that has been avoiding authorities for decades."
"They didn't," Mindbender said.
"According to the FBI Smythe's real name is Thomas 'Torch' Winkin," Chet reported. "A known terrorist once associated with the defunct terrorist group Cobra."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY DEFUNCT?" Cobra Commander snapped. "WE'RE STILL HERE YOU LIBERAL HACK!"
"Winkin has an extensive criminal record that includes, murder, arson…" Chet read the report. "Theft. Grand theft auto, environmental crimes, counterfeiting, eating the world's largest potato chip, poaching and doing unspeakable things to a koala in Sydney's National Zoo. Before joining Cobra in the elite Dreadnok unit he was previously a member of the Melbourne Maulers Motorcycle Club but the group kicked him out for embezzlement, being too violent and burning down their clubhouse."
"Elite unit? The only thing elite about the Dreadnoks was that they were the most uncouth idiots that ever walked on this planet!" The Baroness rolled her eyes.
"Every now and then the universe just gives you a freebee," Destro smirked. He looked upwards. "Thank you universe!"
"Another report is that Winkin is also charged with burning down his castle in Scotland…" Chet read from the report.
"WHAT? NOOOOOO!" Destro yelled. "DAMN YOU UNIVERSE! YOU TRICKED ME INTO HAVING A SHRED OF HOPE AGAIN!"
"This just in, Winkin has just escaped from prison by his Dreadnok associates," Chet kept reading. "This is unbelievable…"
"You're telling me," Destro moaned. "It figures!"
"We are now getting reports that the Cobra terrorist unit the Dreadnoks have infiltrated Mongoose Incorporated over the past year…" Chet read another report. "We are now going live to a press conference being held outside the Mongoose Incorporated building in Los Angeles California."
"We at Mongoose Incorporated are shocked. Shocked at this turn of events," Commander Deming was seen in a grey business dress. "That our CEO was actually a terrorist disgusts and sickens us all. For weeks we have been cooperating with the FBI on what we thought was an unrelated fraud and embezzlement operation within our company. But we had no idea how far these criminal activities would go…"
"Yeah right! You backstabbing…" The Baroness grunted. "How much you want to bet Deming and the others were getting sick of Torch and the other Dreadnoks and had this cover story just waiting to protect themselves?"
"You really think they thought that far ahead?" Mindbender blinked.
"I wouldn't be surprised," The Baroness growled. "Deming may pretend to be a bleached blonde bimbo, mostly because she is…but when it comes to covering her behind she is surprisingly shrewd."
"In fact we discovered that several high ranking employees were members of the Dreadnoks…" Deming began when a series of laser shots interrupted her.
"You bloody little backstabbing tramp!" Zarana yelled as she and her two brothers ran out in their true attire. "You set us all up you did!"
"Did you really think people wouldn't notice that you were a family of criminals?" Deming shouted. "Especially when that pirate uncle of yours and his gang showed up on our door looking for handouts!"
"I was wondering what happened to the pirates," Cobra Commander remarked. "Now I know."
"And knowing is a good reason to invest in a digital recording device," Steve One snickered.
"You sold us out! YOU SOLD OUR NAMES OUT TO THE FBI TO SAVE YOURSELVES!" Zartan yelled. Several police officers tried to restrain the siblings.
"Somebody had to get rid of the dead weight in the company!" Deming shouted.
"I'll show you dead weight bitch!" Zarana managed to break free and started firing her laser blaster.
"Ah screw it!" Zartan yelled as he pulled out his blaster. "I was getting tired of hanging out in an office anyway! Dealing with pushing papers…Complaining jerks! I'VE HAD IT!"
"YOU WANNA PLAY IT THAT WAY? FINE!" Deming pulled out a blaster of her own. "LIKE I DIDN'T FIGURE OUT YOU ANIMALS WERE GONNA DO THIS!" She started firing along with a few security guards in business suits.
People were screaming. News reporters were ducking laser blasts. Papers were thrown in the air. "YOU'RE ONE TO TALK YOU KNOW? YOU WORKED IN COBRA TOO! ALMOST EVERYONE AT THE TOP WORKED FOR COBRA!" Zandar yelled as he fired.
"PROVE IT!" Deming cheered as she fired back.
"OH I CAN PROVE IT WITCH!" Zarana yelled. "HEY REPORTERS! GO ON COBRA CHRISTMAS PARTY DOT COM AND SEE WHAT SHE WAS DOING AT A COBRA CHRISTMAS PARTY FOR SEVERAL YEARS!"
"That video was taken down!" Deming shouted as she fired. A tree was hit by her laser blasts and caught on fire.
"I put it up again!" Zarana sneered. She fired her laser blaster. A man ran by screaming as he was on fire.
"Not to mention a few other incriminating videos over the years!" Zartan yelled as one of his stray laser blast blew up a nearby police car. "I've been keeping blackmail material on Cobra for years!"
"That wasn't me! That's my twin sister!" Deming shouted as she kept firing and shot up another tree.
"PULL THE OTHER ONE!" Zarana yelled as the firefight grew wilder.
"HA HA HA!" Cobra Commander laughed. "Nothing warms my heart more than a shootout at a press conference!"
"I guess it's too much to hope for that they'll all kill each other or get arrested by the authorities is it?" Destro sighed.
"Are you kidding? I've seen this lot get out of tougher scrapes at our old Christmas parties!" The Baroness gave him a look.
"Oh yeah," Cobra Commander thought. "Who would have thought we would get attacked by rogue ninjas for three years straight?"
"At least that won't happen this year so…" Destro shrugged.
"Hey for once we're not in the middle of the madness so I say enjoy it!" Cobra Commander laughed. Then a loud gurgle was heard in the hallway. "What was that?"
"Uh oh…" Mindbender blinked. "I knew I forgot to check the DNA fuser in Lab Three!"
"What did you do now?" Cobra Commander screamed.
"I may have thrown in some unusual biological samples in with my protoplasmic DNA recombinator just for giggles," Mindbender winced as the gurgling sound grew louder along with a sloshing sound.
"And what kind of biological samples are we talking about?" Destro snapped.
"Oh nothing much. Just some eggs, some liquid calcium and…alcohol," Mindbender coughed.
"Liquid calcium? Wait, do you mean milk?" The Baroness did a double take.
"Uh yes…" Mindbender added.
"An egg nog monster? Seriously?" Cobra Commander shouted. "That is the stupidest…"
"GRURRBBLE BURRBLE!"
"What's that leaking through the door?" Steve One blinked.
"It smells like egg nog dude," Steve Two blinked.
The door broke through with a tidal wave of egg nog. A huge blob monster dripping all over with egg nog spilled over into the room. It shot out a torrent of egg nog from its huge jaws right at Cobra Commander.
"AAAAAKKKK!" Cobra Commander was covered in egg nog. "I HATE EGG NOG! TOO MUCH MILK AND NOT ENOUGH ALCOHOL IN IT! AAAGGGGH!"
"Great! On top of being broke and having no clue what we're doing, now we have to fight for survival against one of Mindbender's insane creations!" Destro yelled as he pulled out his blaster.
"In other words we're going to start the New Year the same way we've started all the other ones," The Baroness sighed.
