If I Went Missing

Summary: Sometimes, Addison thought about it. When she allowed her mind to wander too far, she came back to that moment, years ago now. If I went missing, would anyone notice I was gone? And it's a ridiculous thought now. She had a found family in LA, she had her son. She was happy. People would notice if she just disappeared. But then her thoughts drifted once more — to her mother, to the matriarch of the Forbes-Montgomery's killing herself rather than live without Susan. She had hated her mother for doing that, for following Susan into the afterlife. But as she brought the wine glass up to her lips, listening to Amelia rattling off Meredith's stats to her over the phone, she could understand her mother's decision for the very first time. What would it be like to live in a world where the woman you loved wasn't there? She poured a second glass of wine. She never wanted to find out.

A/N: I am so happy to have finally gotten to this fic. It is definitely going to be a long journey, and I can't wait for you all to experience it. Set season 17 but with a Season 9 AU added in, wherein no one died in the plane crash.

"Woke up against in the pouring rain / I feel the windows shake, thunder in my brain / Every thought is like a hurricane / Destroying everything but leaves no trace"

- 'Monster Made of Memories' Citizen Soldier

Prologue

It was raining when Hayes had found her — the kind of rain that chilled to the bone in a matter of seconds, the teeth-chattering kind that felt like you'd never be warm again. She was warm to the touch, burning up really, unresponsive, her phone and purse laying not far from where she'd been on the asphalt. Honestly, it was a miracle that no one had run her over. Her test had come back positive, but precautions were already in place. That was all anyone really knew. Meredith was down, and no one knew for how long.

As she was being treated and placed in one of the hospital rooms in the renovated Covid wing, the hospital had been brought to a screeching halt. Interns and residents, already overwhelmed by the growing pandemic, were being assigned to move Covid patients. Non-emergent surgeries had already been canceled until further notice.

Amelia watched from outside the room as Teddy and Bailey checked Meredith over, getting her vitals, making sure her mask was secure. She felt more than heard Lexie and Maggie join her. Worry gnawed at her, making her feel anxious. Mark and Winston were home with the kids — Meredith's three (Zola, Bailey and Ellis), Mark and Lexie's two (twins Ethan and Suzy) and her and Link's little Scout. It was good that they were able to have so many people to look after the kids, especially during the pandemic, but she was terrified of what was to come. What were they supposed to tell the kids? Their mom was supposed to be quarantined for two weeks and then stay home for another two with the kids. But now?

"Fuck," she muttered softly, but her sisters still heard her.

Lexie placed her hand on her shoulder, smiling gently behind her mask, "It's gonna be okay."

And she wanted to scream at the other Neurosurgeon. She wanted to shake her over and over, wanted to curse her for her optimism. Because how could she possibly know? Instead, she offered them both a slight smile and nod.

"I need some air," she said before she walked down the hall. She reached for her phone, her emotions getting the better of her once again.

She stepped into the rainy night, standing under one of the hospital's many entrances. It was quiet here, almost peaceful despite all of the chaos in the world, but she knew better. Everything was going to go to shit. She took a breath as she pulled her phone out and dialed a number she knew by heart.


Chapter 1: The Pouring Rain

The sudden blaring of her phone pulled Addison from sleep. Bleary-eyed, she reached for the device. Despite the late hour and having fallen asleep barely thirty minutes ago, she answered before the phone could go to voicemail.

"Hello?" She didn't have it in her to mask her exhaustion. The silence on the other end was worrisome, so she cleared her throat and tried again, "Amelia?" The gasping sob that came through the receiver had her sitting up in alarm, "Amelia? What's wrong? Are you okay? Is it Scout?" A million different possibilities filtered through her head at once, each more gruesome than the last.

"No," Amelia managed to choke out, "We're fine. It's Mer, Addie."

She hated the way her heart clenched tightly in her chest, throbbing with pain, "What happened?"

Amelia's chuckle was wet with tears, a bitter sound, and it made the pain ten times worse, "Covid happened. Mer has Covid. Hayes – he's our Peds surgeon – he found her," How the hell was she supposed to reply to that? Meredith Grey, Covid? No, this had to be some sort of sick joke. Meredith was fighting the virus, she wasn't supposed to succumb to it. As her sleep-addled brain fought to come up with a response, Amelia continued, her voice still full of tears, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. What am I supposed to tell the kids?" And that was a very good question. She thought about how Cooper would tell peds kids about their parents. Amelia's voice wobbled as she spoke again, "Addie?"

"Tell them that right now their mom is sick," she said and fought to keep her voice steady, "but everyone is doing their best to get her better."

"Okay, yeah." And she'd wanted to ask what everyone else would do – what Bailey was doing and who was Meredith's primary doctor and all sorts of questions she knew she wasn't privy to knowing – but Amelia spoke again, cutting off her thoughts, "I'm so sorry for calling so late. I just needed you to tell me it would be alright."

And she sounded like a scared teen again going through puberty for the first time, a scared neurosurgeon who was afraid to lose her baby that had been born without a brain, a drug addict who was trying her best to get clean.

"It's fine. I'm glad you did." And she meant it. That lost, scared girl was still buried deep down within Amelia, only coming out around those she felt safest around. And she was glad she was lucky enough to be counted as such.

"I'll let you go back to sleep."

"Okay," she replied softly, "Text or call with updates any time. Day or night."

And if Amelia thought it was strange that she was asking, she didn't comment.

"Okay. Good night, Addie. I love you."

She smiled, even though Amelia couldn't see her, "I love you too, Amelia."

She laid in the darkness for hours after the call had been disconnected, her thoughts spiraling. Meredith having Covid? She wasn't sure what to make of it. It sounded so wrong to say, so false. It felt like some kind of nightmare, one that she wasn't sure she could ever wake up from. She almost thought Amelia had been joking, but no, Amelia wouldn't do that. Not about a global pandemic that was sweeping its way across the world. No, her emotions were real, her anguish over the situation was real.

She thought about the last time she'd seen Meredith in person: Derek's memorial service. Meredith hadn't seen her – hadn't seen a lot that day, really, looking so lost, sitting on the couch as people moved around her – but that was fine with her. She'd observed her from the corner of the room, how out of touch she looked with everything – with everyone.

Now, nearly 6 years later, she found the blonde Attending back on her mind. Invading her thoughts. And just as the last time, the thoughts were somber, dredging up feelings she'd thought she'd buried.

Fuck, what was she supposed to do?

For once, she was grateful that Henry was with Jake this week. It meant he wouldn't be waking her up at 7 am with a request for breakfast. It meant she could let her mind continue to wonder about Meredith for as long as she wanted.

Covid may have been the worst thing to have happened to Meredith so far, and she wished she was in Seattle to help her.

The blaring of her alarm clock pulled her from her thoughts. She looked over at it, perplexed. Five am already? She shut off the offending device, laying back on the bed with a huff. Today was going to be a long day.

A/N: Thank you for reading this first chapter! More to come