CHAPTER 1

"What are you thinking about, Maddy? You've been coming here for several weeks now and we're not making much progress. You seem hesitant to share things and you have to be completely open and honest with me if these sessions are going to help you," said Dr. Jenkins, peering over his reading glasses at me. He had helped me a great deal after Stephen's death and when I found out that Harper was still alive and I trusted him implicitly. It was my own judgment that I didn't trust. He had asked this same question every week since I had been coming to his office. It was becoming tedious and annoying, especially since I answered him the same way each time.

"I know, but like I keep telling you, there are certain things that I don't want to talk about. At least not yet. I'm not ready."

"You have to, Maddy. We have to talk about everything you're thinking and feeling, even the difficult things." I drew in a deep breath and blew it out slowly. I looked down at Wyatt, who was peacefully sleeping in his baby carrier, oblivious to the emotional mess his mother was in.

"OK...here's the thing...the things I'm thinking and feeling are scaring me. The idea of leaving Matthew terrifies me, but the idea of starting my life over with Jace scares the hell out of me, too.'

"Tell me why."

"Matt and I had a good life before all of this happened. It wasn't perfect. We've had our share of issues in the four years and a half years we've been married, but we were happy together. The thought of separation or divorce, disrupting Finn's life as well as mine and Matt's, making a complete lifestyle change...it's just a daunting thought."

"Do you want to leave Matt?"

"Not necessarily. I'm just expressing my concerns over it. It's what you asked me to do."

"Yes, I did, and you've shared why you're scared to leave your husband. Now tell me why you're scared to start over with Jace."

"I can't help feeling that what I'd be running towards with Jace isn't any less complicated than what I'd be leaving behind with Matthew."

"Tell me why you feel that way."

"Jace's mental health. I mean, he did try to commit suicide. He also has a history of abusing alcohol. That would be a lot for me to deal with on top of a complete lifestyle change," I said.

"Okay, so what is it about your relationship with Matt that makes you think a life with him would be just as complicated."

"Because he'd have to look at Wyatt everyday, knowing that he's not his son. And I would know that he has a daughter out there somewhere with Gabby Dawson, which would bring her back into our lives. Both constant reminders of our infidelity. I think those things would eventually destroy us," I said, wiping tears from my face.

"You make a good point, Maddy. There's only one way to find the answers to the doubts you have. We'll need to set up an appointment with both Matt and Jace in attendance."

"That could be very awkward. They aren't exactly best friends. We made it through a belated Easter dinner celebration together, but that's because I asked them to call a truce."

"Didn't you tell me that both of them agreed to take part in your counseling?"

"Yes, they did, but I was picturing them coming in separately, at least at first."

"It's important that their thoughts be expressed and heard by all concerned. We can start with just one of them at a time. I know they'll probably talk more freely when it's just you they're here with."

"I'll ask them, but I don't know how they'll react to coming in together, even if it's not right away. They tend to play this game of one-upmanship when they're together. It's like they're always competing with each other to see who is better or who gets the advantage. It's frustrating and quite honestly, it annoys the hell out of me. It's like they're two high school rivals going after the same spot on the football team."

"Only they're competing for the same woman," said Dr. Jenkins.

"I never thought of it that way, to be honest, but that's exactly why I think I'd rather be without either one of them. I don't need anything more to think about right now."

"Do either of them have an advantage in your mind?"

"No."

"You answered that question fairly quickly, Maddy. You've admitted that you love both of them. Surely, one must stand out a little more than the other. You must have thought about it at one time or another, haven't you?"

"Yes, but after I bat it around in my head for a while, I keep coming back to the same conclusion...that being alone is the best option regardless of my feelings for either of them."

"Can you tell me why that is?"

"I love Matthew. He's my husband and we have been together almost six years. I've known him since I was sixteen years old. He was my first love. We have a beautiful little boy who loves us both very much and who we love with all our hearts. We had a pretty good relationship until Jackson unexpectedly came back into my life. Matt mistakenly thought that Jace and I had slept together, which resulted in him sleeping with his ex-wife...and in our bed, no less. One thing led to another and Jace and I ended up sleeping together, too. As a result, I ended up pregnant and so did Matt's ex-wife. Everyone's life has been turned upside down. I'm the common denominator in all of it."

"You left out one key point in all of this, Maddy."

"What's that?"

"Your feelings for Jace." At that moment, Wyatt woke up and started crying. I was thankful for the interruption because I could not look at Dr. Jenkins. I picked the baby up and held him while I unfastened the flap of my bra. I cradled Wyatt in my arm and grabbed my breast, rubbing my nipple across his lips until he latched on and started suckling.

"It's complicated," I said, still not looking at him.

"Tell me why it's complicated."

"Up until Jace came back here last summer, I had very few memories of him. You know the whole story, Dr. Jenkins...my suicide attempt after the army told me he was dead and that I lost the baby I was carrying at the time. Because of those painful memories, my parents wanted me out of Texas, which is how I ended up back in Chicago at the Stone Institute, where you and I first met. I had to have all of those memories of Jace and our life together burned out of my head, so I underwent ECT so I could try to resume a normal life. When his family told me he was still alive and was asking to see me, I was terrified."

"Why was that?"

"I was afraid that if he came here to Chicago and I saw him, it would trigger all of those memories to come back. You had told me that they could come back someday without any warning...and you were right."

"And what happened when they came back?"

"My life as I knew it fell apart. Jace and I had an amazing life together, Dr. Jenkins. Nothing could ever compare to it. He saved me." I wiped a few tears from my cheeks.

"How did he save you?"

"He taught me what real love was at a time when I thought I would never love anyone again. He gave my life purpose and he loved me like no one has ever loved me before or since."

"Not even Matt?"

"No, not even Matt. Not even close, to be honest."

"Why is that?"

"Simple...because Matt cheated on me and Jace didn't. In fact, he hasn't slept with another woman in the entire time since we've been apart."

"How do you know that's true?"

"Because Jace has never lied to me before. It's not like he shared that information with me to make Matt look bad. He shared it with me when we were about to...to be intimate. He was nervous and unsure of himself. He was shaking, for Christ's sake! He wouldn't have put on a show like that just for my benefit. Besides, what good would it do to lie to me about that?"

"Maybe to give himself an advantage in your eyes?"

"Jace would never do that. He has more integrity than that. He's not capable of deception. Besides, after he was rescued from Iraq, he spent several years in an army hospital and a rehabilitation center in Germany before being transferred stateside. The infection from his leg wound had spread throughout his entire body. He was near death, Dr. Jenkins. His recovery was slow and painful. He had to learn how to do everything all over again...to speak, to feed himself, to walk. He was so sick that he didn't even know who he was when the Marines found him. There wasn't exactly time for any dalliances with women."

"But what about since he's been back home? He's been here well over a year now and he's fully recovered. He may have had relations with someone during that time after he came back to Texas."

"Yes, he did...with me, but no one else. I can almost guarantee that. He said time and again that he didn't feel like a whole man, having lost a leg and learning he was sterile while he was in recovery. He didn't want to be in a relationship with any woman because of those reasons."

"He seemed to want to be in a relationship with you. He still does, from what you've told me."

"Yes, I know. Like I said...it's complicated."

"What does your heart tell you, Maddy?"

"My heart tells me to not put myself between Matt or Jace. It tells me to take care of myself and my children."

"That's what your head is telling you, not your heart."

"My heart doesn't know shit from shinola these days, Dr. Jenkins. It's what got me in the predicament I'm currently in. I'm in love with two men," I gazed down at Wyatt who was still contentedly nursing. Every day that went by, he looked more and more like Jackson, even at only two months of age. If I could see it, so could Matthew.

"Putting that aside for now, who would you like to have come in first, Matt or Jace?"

"Matt, I think. He's more even keeled than Jace, even in the middle of this mess."

"I'll call him and set it up. Shall we say this same time a week from today?" I did a quick calculation in my head of Matt's schedule and told Dr. Jenkins that it should be fine.

"I want this all to be over, Dr. Jenkins. It's taking its toll on everyone."

"I know, Maddy...and I understand your feelings. We'll get through this together, just like we did all those years ago."

"I hope you're right. There's too much at stake to fail."