FROM REGRET TO JOY
Hello my dear people...We haven't seen each other for a while. I needed a break to cope with the loss and sorrow, but I'm ready to continue the wonderful Chelsie journey, which is therapeutic itself.
The story that I'm starting today will be AU-something that never happened in the series. It probably won't be very original, as this theme has been used by other authors, but I want to give you my own take on it and as always, I hope that you will like it.
Story summary: Charles and Elsie have a good job, roof over their heads and their lives seem to be almost perfect, but maybe there are some hidden regrets, some things that they would like to change, but they are afraid that it's too late?
Legal note: I do not own any of the DA characters, they belong to the creator.
1901
Chapter 1- Charles's regrets
He simply loved this moment of the day, the afternoon tea for downstairs staff, because it was one of very few moments, when everyone could relax for a bit, to enjoy the tea, scones, biscuits, small sandwiches, or whatever else they preferred.
That was also the only time of day, when the staff didn't have to be together, like during all the other meals. Some of them were having the tea by the table, but usually it was well known, that he and Mrs Hughes liked to have some quiet time for themselves.
Charles poured another cup of hot, aromatic tea and he sat in the comfortable chair, in his pantry, with his door half closed- partially alerted for any possible urgencies, that may happen, even during tea time, but hoping, that this half an hour of time will be a time to relax and rest, before another round of duties- the dinner and after dinner coffe and drinks.
Charles sighed with contend, as today everything went rather smoothly, plus there weren't any guests expected at dinner, so he was hoping, that the evening will pass rather quickly and pleasurably, if a service could even be called that way.
His tired body needed a moment to relax. At the age of 45, he slowly started to feel first symptoms of exhaustation, coming from the never ending service for His Lordship and the family.
He knew what kind of life he has chosen and he really liked this life. Being a butler was like his second self. He was so attached to his role, that for most people it was almost impossible to divide Charles Carson the butler and Charles Carson a private man.
Of course choosing this life he deprived himself of the right to privacy. Servants almost didn't have a private life, which was mostly caused by the character of their work. They were working from dawn to dusk, every day and their half day off from time to time, was not enough to have time for any activities outside the Abbey.
Charles loved his job so much, that even though he was given some special privilleges, that were suppose to divide his position from the lower staff, like a full day off, instead of a half day off, he never took any advantage from it.
Most of the time, even if it was his day off, he spent it downstairs either way, always on alert, always being prepared for some potential crisis.
It was mostly caused by the fact that he lived at the Abbey. That was an obvious thing for him, although as time has changed, he has heard of other butlers living on the estate, in a private cottages, but he thought of it as a kind of extravagance.
Suppose that he would have his own cottage and couldn't be here on his day off and something important would happen? Like some kind of disaster, that only he could prevent? No, it was not possible to be so carefree. Charles Carson knew that his presence at the Abbey was essential.
Of course it didn't mean that sometimes, when he had a moment or two to think about his life and that didn't happen often, he hasn't thought about living a different life. He has. Few years ago, when they were living in the Victorian era, it was unthinkable to even dream about having his own family, being a butler. But the world has changed, times moved on. Queen Victoria has passed away, they had an Edwardian era now-more casual, more frivolous and every now and then, he has heard about members of the staff getting married and having children.
In the beginning he was outraged, when someone mentioned it, but as it became much frequent, he got used to a fact, that the world has changed and thoughts, that sometimes tormented his mind, couldn't leave him in peace.
On very long winter nights, cozy evenings, when he finished all his duties, he let himself think about his life, about the way he choose and his regrets.
Was he fulfilled professionally? Without a doubt he was. For a man coming from the family of butlers, he couldn't dream about anything better, than becoming a butler of a house as grand as the Abbey. His grandfather and father would have been proud of him, seeing how far he has come.
This side of his life was perfect. Charles Carson the butler has won the biggest prize.
But what about Charles Carson-the man? His private life was not much of a success. In fact he could say, that there wasn't any private life at all for him.
When he was a young boy, he met Alice Neal and fell in love for her, but that quickly ended, when she decided to marry his stage buddy. Back then he thought, that he would never recover after this heartbreak, but now, as years has passed, he only thought about it as an innocent infatuation, as something that has passed and didn't have much in common with real love.
That was perhaps because he only understood what real love meant, when an other woman has came into his life, joining the servants as a head housemaid three years ago and becoming a housekeeper, after Mrs Linley decided to retire.
Charles was usually not a very trusting man, he needed time to decide whether he liked someone and he generally tried not to be too familiar with other servants, mostly because of his higher position, but Elsie has managed to break the ice with him almost from the beginning.
He has swiftly found out, that she was not just a nice, hard-working Scottish woman, who went into the service to help her family financially. Few talks with her were enough to see, that he had a partner for intelligent talks with her, as she not only finished her education, but also she was constantly developing her reading skills, using the library books, that His Lordship kindly offered them to read.
He felt refreshed talking to her, after years of intellectual emptiness and very soon, their evening Sherry rituals changed into intellectual discusions, full of passion, as Elsie was a very sharp, observant and opinionated woman. Even for Charles, brought up in the Victorian era, who believed that women should only be wives and mothers, it was obvious, that she was his equal and they can talk about books, politics and world events and she will always have something interesting to say and that sometimes, she will argue with him, challenging him and questioning his opinions, which he found very stimulating.
However her intelectual abilities were not the only things that he found stimulating about her. He would have to be blind, to not to notice her looks and he did, from the beginning. Six years younger than him, full of life and energy, always finding a sensible and reasonable way out, of the most difficult situation, she simply had to capture his heart, from the very beginning.
As a man, he had to notice her long, shining, auburn hair, with rear red streaks, he had to notice the deepness of her blue eyes, her ideal, porcelain skin, her cute, button nose, her full, pink lips, with a constant habit of biting down her lower lip, which caused not so proper images in his head.
He couldn't miss her slender figure, with roundness when necessary. The times that they were living in, covered women's attributes totally, in long, wide dresses, but at least men had to really use their imagination, to think what those dresses were hiding...And God knows that Charles did...He really did, a lot...Especially on those long nights, when his body was reminding him, that there are needs for man, that couldn't be satisfied in his case..
Her wonderful smile, her cute way of laughing and even the way she was teasing him- everything about her was simply enchanting and he couldn't, or didnt want to see any faults in her..
So in the times like this- in rare moments, devoted to the summary of his life, when he was thinking about his failed dreams, he always saw one thing in those dreams, one situation. He saw a small cottage, a cluster of children and her, always her. The woman that he loved more than his own life.
During all those years, that they spent together, they've shared so many secrets, they've shared so many thoughts, hidden from everyone else, but there was still one thing, that he wanted to share with her more than anything else- his life, closeness, living together in marriage and having children...
Those were the sweetest kind of dreams that he had...There couldn't possible be anything more sweet, than those images of him, Elsie and the happy family, that they could create together..
But the time was passing by, they were both getting older and older. He was 45 now and she was 39. It was highly unlikely for them to become parents now and even though he was fully aware of that, he still didn't find enough courage in him, to make some bold move, to ask her to share his life with him.
What was he afraid of? There were few things...Mostly, he was afraid, that she will refuse, that she will turn him down and the illusion that he had till now, about her loving him, as much as he was loving her, will end...He wouldn't want to go through that one more time...
The second thing was. that he was afraid to destroy the safe space of the life that he created for himself. He had a wonderful professional position, he was respected, he was the butler, he was living in a great, big house and his employers, as kind as understanding as they were, could suddenly change their attitude, finding out, that he had some dreams of his own. That he wasn't fully contended about the way his life looked like.
There were days, when he was ready to throw cautioun to the wind and just ask and propose to Elsie, but a moment later, his fears were waking up and he couldn't do that...
Some nights, when he woke up, after having a beautiful dream of his happy life with Elsie, he decided, that he will ask her the next day, but then the morning has started, he got into his daily routine and his courage disappeared suddenly...
And so, day after day, month after month, year after year was passing and Charles was hesitating what to do about his life regrets...
That's all for the first chapter my lovelies. I like a proper intorduction to each story and these were Charles's regrets, as you probably guessing, the next chapter will be about Elsie's regrets and then we will move to the good stuff ;-) I hope, that I didn't bore you today and if you are tiny interested with next chapters, you may throw a nice word or two. Thank you for reading and have a nice and relaxing weekend.
