A/N: Hey there again! Apparently, the time to publish a multi-chapter has come...
I'm a little nervous about publishing this fic. Everyone who knows me knows that I've struggled with English my whole life and the only reason I became interested in learning was that I wanted to understand Sarah Rafferty when she spoke and integrate into the fandom... I started to publish fanfiction just because I have so much fun writing and also because I'm shameless because I know it was SO much worst two years ago when I started.
And although I think my English has improved since then, it's still far from perfect... And due I dedicate a lot of time to correcting and trying to leave my fics as best I can before publishing them, multi chapters were always the monster under the bed for me for that reason. But here I'm guys, trying :) I really hope you enjoy it, as I have really enjoyed writing it!
Before leaving you with the first chapter, I wanna make a few things clear here:
1. This is a canon divergence in season 9, in which I wanted to give a background story to Donna, but honestly, I think it could never have been part of the show because it would break Donna's powerful and confident image in several ways. But I really wanted to write it, so I did it because I think that's what fanfiction is for.
2. This fic has TW for anxiety and blocked childhood traumas. Although, it's still T-rated. (I mean, nothing related to sexual abuse or anything like that)
3. English isn't my first language and I promise I did the best I can here, but you may come across some mistakes or things that could have been expressed in a better way. Sorry for that!
4. I'll publish the chapters weekly. Probably on Sundays, but if I can't on some Sundays, I'll do it on Saturdays. But you will surely have the weekly chapters because it's already all written :)
And now I'll shut up and leave you with Donna and Harvey!
Opposed to what everyone would have believed -even themselves- Harvey had been the first to tear down the walls he had built around him over the years at the exact night he knocked at Donna's door and their lips and bodies met each other after an eternity... While Donna seemed to have to hit each brick for a long time to make them fall. One by one.
Harvey isn't used to having someone who loves him and takes care of him in an intimate place. He had always let Donna take that place, though, from the distance of their supposed friendship. And while at some times that was reciprocal, and Harvey had taken care of her, even risking himself when she really needed it, Harvey had never given Donna the same emotional support that Donna had given Harvey. And it wasn't selfishness on Harvey's part. It was that he just didn't know how to do it. The emotional area wasn't his thing, and he never knew too well how to separate his feelings. He knew that if he got too close to her, he would speak more of what was due and everything would hang from a thread, as actually has happened.
That's why Donna isn't used to being cared for by him, and in fact, she isn't used to being cared for by anyone. Donna isn't a woman who knows how to be cared for by others. She has no idea how to do it.
She had had to learn to be strong and self-sufficient even before she can remember, and though deep down, she had always wanted to have someone to lean on in hard moments (a bad day at work, a fight with her parents, or even much sadder things like the death of her grandparents). Just on very few occasions, she had had it, and not even then, she had been able to relax and didn't allow herself to be completely looked after. She didn't know how this feels. There were always walls besieging her as if actually reaching the real Donna was a concrete maze that no one was willing to go through and that she wasn't willing to tear down.
No one had been willing to go through and tear down those walls.
No one except Harvey.
• ∞ • ∞ •
Harvey arrives a while after Donna that night. She had told him she would wait for him in her apartment, and he was excited to use the key she had given him the day before for the first time. On the way, he buys Thai shit food and heads toward the building. With an undeniable smile on his face, he uses the keys on the door with the number 206 and finds weird the darkness and silence he perceives as he enters there. He walks slowly, in case she is sleeping, but he grins anew as he sees her red hair on the couch and a little light on.
"Hey..." he murmurs. "I've brought this shit to eat."
Donna giggles, without even looking at him. She knows what shit he's talking about. "Do you leave it in the kitchen? I think I need alcohol first."
"Tough day?"
"Faye brings out the worst in me." She growls and closes the book she has on her lap, and turns her head above her shoulder to look at him.
Harvey offers her a slight smile. "I'll put this down and make a few drinks. Okay?"
"Please," she says, unable to disguise her annoyance.
"Can you give me 2 minutes to take off my suit? Or will smoke come out of your ears?"
"Harvey!" she complains, suppressing a laugh.
"You look like a cartoon, which is turning all red, and soon explodes."
"What a delightful picture you have of me." She grumbles.
Harvey chuckles softly. "You're pretty, anyway."
"Don't wanna fix it now! Hurry and come back here soon. I need alcohol!"
"I thought you were going to say you need me." He purses his face.
"Yes, because you're the one who will bring that alcohol." She rolls her eyes. "Go for my drink right now, Specter!"
Harvey makes a tiny sign with his hand of closing his mouth and in silence, he goes to the kitchen. They both giggle when Harvey turns his back on her and they say nothing more.
A few minutes later, he's wearing new clothes and leaves his drink at the coffee table in front of the couch and gives the other drink to Donna. "What about you?" she asks, seeing that he's not sitting at her side, and drinks a sip of her scotch. Her face relaxes as she feels the liquid making burn her throat. He just steps behind the couch and slides his hands on her shoulders, making a gentle press there, and Donna can't help but a soft moan of pleasure. "Oh, God." She murmurs and closes her eyes as Harvey's fingers continue to work on her shoulders, climbing towards the union with her neck. "You're good."
He smirks proudly. "Drop your shoulders, try to relax." Donna nods, drinks one more sip of her drink, and leaves it next to his glass, when she returns to settle on the couch, she feels Harvey presses with a little more force, and she hums, a mixture of pain and pleasure invades her.
And he continues for a few more minutes, his fingers exerting the exact amount of force on her shoulders and her clavicles, his thumbs affectionately massaging her nape, and though, to tell the truth, Donna enjoys it, she feels some discomfort as the minutes go by; she doesn't fully relax knowing that he is standing, massaging her, while she is doing nothing for him.
"Come here." She tells him. "You have your drink, and you're tired too."
"I like to give you massages." He admits, his fingers squeezing the sides of her neck.
She grins. "I like your massages, too, but come here." She turns her head a little and smiles at him. Harvey nods and surrounds the couch to sit next to her. Donna puts her hand on his cheek and leans to kiss him. "You didn't greet me." She whispers.
Harvey smiles at her and gives her a brief kiss on the lips. "Sorry, when I arrived, it was a little scary to approach you."
Donna purses her face and drops her head on his shoulder. "Sorry." She sighs, a little embarrassed.
"Hey... It was a joke." He replies softly and Donna nods as he kisses her crown. Donna moves and he grabs the two glasses. "Here, keep getting drunk." He says and offers her the glass.
"Yeah, that sounds like a great idea." She speaks, grabs the glass, and then drinks a long sip. Harvey also drinks a sip and the two continue silent for a few minutes, drinking what remains in their glasses, looking forward and with their fingers shyly joined in the middle of them.
When Harvey finishes his glass, he moves to the corner of the couch and asks Donna to rest her feet on his lap. "Get comfy." He mumbles.
"What do you want?" she snorts.
"Can you stop being defensive for a moment?" he asks, trying to sound as sweet as he can. Donna snorts again and her eyes fill with tears against her will. She nods and settles down, putting her feet on his lap. He arranges a cushion under her feet and begins to drag his knuckles into the arches of her feet and Donna feels a tear fall down her cheek, which dries quickly. "Hey…" he murmurs, his knuckles crawling down the sole of her right foot.
"Sorry." She murmurs. "I'm not used to being able to relax with someone."
"You can do it with me." He says and his voice sounds so sweet and sincere that Donna must take a few seconds to assimilate it.
"I know." She says, biting her inner cheek, feeling Harvey's fingers caressing her foot.
"I know it's difficult, but stop thinking about the past. We're here, and I promise you, we'll always be here." She smiles at him and nods. "And nothing happens if you need to release some tears. Okay?"
"Okay." She responds and drops some tears, which she quickly dries with her fingertips, then drops her back onto a pillow that is against the armrest of the couch and closes her eyes. Harvey smiles and his fingers gently pinch the side of one of her feet. "You're very good at this."
"I have hidden talents you haven't discovered yet."
She grins, even with her eyes closed. "Will you show them all to me?"
"All of them." He responds, his thumbs looking for the gap between her big toe and the rest of her toes, and she groans at the sensation of it.
So, Harvey spends several minutes massaging her feet delicately and with small doses of strength that help her relax, though only a little. Donna knows this and Harvey notices it: her eyes are closed, but not entirely relaxed, and her shoulders are still stressed, as are her hands. He knows he's already pressed her, so he just goes on, knowing he'll press again later as if somehow he knew that letting her process her emotions slowly was the best thing to do.
They share Thai food on the couch, both realizing that they cannot move their minds from the firm. Whenever their minds want to go to another topic of conversation, the damn firm returns to their words. And not only the damn firm, Faye, as well.
When the meal is over, and seeing Donna return to Faye, again and again - she apparently has too much to say about her - he simply crosses his arm over the back of the couch, behind her, and lets her talk.
And Donna does, she speaks almost without pausing, about how much the treatment Faye has with her pushes her to the edge of the precipice all the time, as the burden only increases on her shoulders, and how for the first time in a long time, she doesn't know what to do with a person.
Donna talks about how much it bothers her to feel defeated by someone when she always defeats her opponents. Not only does she cannot defeat her, but she tests her all the time, tests her abilities and capacities, constantly pushing her, and although she often believes and makes the world believe she is a wonder woman, she is not.
And she struggles to accept that. She has a hard time accepting that someone can defeat her in that way. And she also finds it a challenge that Harvey could get to see that part of her, the vulnerable one.
But he listens to her, staring at her with his warm brown eyes all the time, his arm still behind her, though without touching her, believing that the mere fact of that position could help her feel safe, knowing that if he really hugs her, she would stop talking.
Donna leaves a sentence in half, as if suddenly her energy had been exhausted, and rests her elbows on her legs, then hides her face in her hands and growls there. Harvey simply moves his arm a little to reach her back with his palm.
They hadn't been together for too long, but he had been able to identify something in the last few weeks, whenever Donna was about to express a too-deep emotion: anger, sadness, a very loud laugh, or even a good orgasm, she covers her face in some way, usually with her hands, or hide on his shoulder or in some pillow. And Harvey didn't want her to hide from him, he just wanted her to be herself.
In silence, he moves to sit on the coffee table, just in front of her and at her height, his elbows also on his legs, his hands gently surrounding her wrists, and his thumbs crawling on her skin.
"Hey... Can you look at me? Please," he murmurs.
"What?" she snorts, just opening her fingers so she can open one of her eyes.
"Look at me for real, please." He repeats calmly, his hands still wrapping her wrists. "Why are you hiding all the time?"
"I don't hide." She responds, hiding behind her wall almost immediately, where she thinks she feels safe.
"I think you're hiding now..." he says, still gently. "And you always cover your mouth when you laugh, you cover your face when you wanna cry, or you hide in my shoulder or my chest." He murmurs and approaches to kiss her on her knuckles. "You also do it in bed." He gently squeezes her wrists. "Do you feel uncomfortable with me?" he asks with a knot in his throat, although he's almost certain that the answer will be negative.
Donna is struggling with herself, but she can't afford for him to hesitate. "No, it's not that." She sobs, and her hands fall, as does her gaze.
"Do you wanna tell me what it is, then?" Donna denies it, swallowing a lump of anguish that forms in her throat. "I don't want a repressed Donna." He says, taking her hands resting on her lap now. "I lived for many years in suppressing what I felt and that has brought nothing good."
"I'm just angry, Harvey."
Harvey denies it with his head. "You're furious, but you hold it."
"And what am I supposed to do?" she shrugs.
"Yell may be an option."
Donna giggles ironically and looks at him again. "What?" she asks skeptically.
"That… screaming."
"I won't do it, Harvey." She giggles again, this time nervously.
"Okay." He shrugs. "I'll do it for you." And before Donna can stop him, he screams, albeit in a moderate tone, just to try to motivate her.
"There are people here, Harvey!"
"If we get a fine for annoying noises, I can afford it." He responds to her with no worries.
"What you're doing is stupid."
"It's stupid because it's me who's trying to get you to express your emotions when it was always the other way around?" And for the second time in 15 years, she doesn't know what to answer and lowers her gaze, completely ashamed. She feels that a wave of truth hits her without warning. "The reason I came to knock on your door a few weeks ago is that I was finally certain that this wouldn't be a one-way relationship, which had finally managed to have the ability to be reciprocal to you in every way." He tells her with love in each of his words and his thumbs look for her wrists, rubbing her skin. "Because I knew I could now also do this for you, and love you as you deserve."
"Harvey…" she mumbles.
"And you deserve to be able to show me all your parts. Nothing bad will happen, I promise you. I'll still be here even if you yell at me in the face." She chuckles, feeling tears in her eyes, and still doesn't know what to say, suddenly feels too helpless in front of him, as if she was a puppy who has been rescued from the street and is afraid of being too grumpy and being returned there. Her instinct is to hug him and once again, hide in him and Harvey accepts it. He stands up with his arms around her so that their bodies can be really intertwined. Harvey's hands glide slowly on her back as she lets out some tears that moisten his clothes, but she still tries to swallow the genuine cry that threatens to appear. "Don't swallow that cry, come on, cry for real! Fill my T-shirt with mucus!"
Donna cannot help but laugh and hug him tighter by his waist. "You're a fool!"
"Yes, I probably am." He shrugs. "But this fool can hug you if you need to cry."
"It's not that I don't want. It's that… I don't know how to do it." She mumbles, her voice almost imperceptible. "I don't know why I said that." In a second, the shame takes hold of her, and separates herself from him, to run away. With her back to him, she takes a deep breath of air and he wants to approach, but even without looking at him, she denies it with her head. "Please, stay there." Donna sobs.
"Okay." He responds and walks only two steps, to recharge the scotch glasses they had shared earlier and stretch his hand toward her. "Take this. It's the best medicine I can offer you now." She giggles against her wishes and turns to grab the glass, begging that with that amber liquid, the courage to open herself to him will enter her body. Holding the glass in her right hand, she drops into one of the gray chairs next to the table and drops her elbows on it, along with the glass. Harvey turns only a little, to be able to look at her, although he can't see too much. The hair falling on her face somehow protects her. He just stays there, sitting on the armrest of the couch. "I'm here if you need it," he murmurs with an affection in his voice that gives Donna chills.
While she knows she had never felt so happy before, there was a part of her still a little skeptical, something that made her still not finally break down that wall. Harvey wasn't the only one who was afraid to take a false step and spoil everything.
Donna brings the glass to her lips and drinks a small sip after a long sigh. She is tired of holding back. She is fed up too long ago, but she doesn't know how to do it. She doesn't know how to explode. Ironically, the great Donna Paulsen doesn't know how to verbalize or express her feelings, being the first to decode and interpret everything that happens to others. That thought makes her laugh with irony at herself, without opening her mouth, just letting her laugh drown in her throat and warm air gets out by her nostrils. She drinks another sip, this time strong enough to feel the burning sensation in her throat again. But that has the opposite effect of what she expected. It isn't giving her courage, actually; it's making containing her tears a much harder job than it was a few minutes ago, which also makes her hands holding the glass tremble and her eyes close tightly, wishing that horrible feeling will disappear.
Donna Paulsen is not vulnerable. She repeats it in her mind countless times as if it were a mantra.
A useless mantra, by the way.
Now not only do her hands shake but also her legs. She can't see them, but she feels like she's losing her autonomy over them.
She doesn't see it, but Harvey does and breaks the limit she has set for him. After finishing his scotch with a single drink, he sits in front of her, who continues with her eyes closed tightly. Harvey's hands wrap around Donna's hands, which still hold the glass on the table. "Donna…" he whispers, but she hardly hears him, the only thing she hears is her heart pounding with a brute force against her chest, pumping blood to every part of her body, ever stronger, covering up even the mantra she still repeats in her mind. Harvey is worried, because her body shakes more and more, although he does everything impossible so that it doesn't transmit in his voice. "Donna… can you listen to me?" he says with his voice a little firmer, but still sounding loving, while exerting a little pressure against her hands. Donna listens to him, but as if he was too far away. Donna Paulsen is not vulnerable. Donna Paulsen is not vulnerable. Donna Paulsen is not vulnerable. Donna Paulsen is not vulnerable. Donna Paulsen is not vulnerable. Donna Paulsen is not vulnerable. Donna Paulsen is not vulnerable. Donna Paulsen is not vulnerable. "Would it be nice if I hug you?" she nods but doesn't move from there. Donna Paulsen is not vulnerable. Donna Paulsen is not vulnerable. Donna Paulsen is not vulnerable. Harvey stands up and walks the steps that separate him from her, drags his open hand across her shoulder blades, and his other hand slides down her arm. "Can you stand up?" Donna denies it. Her eyes are still closed tightly. She doesn't feel like the owner of her body. "I'll help you, okay?" she nods again and Harvey helps her get up, holding her with his arms, until she lands against him, her fists closed against his chest and her face hidden there too, just below his chin. He envelops her with all his body, affectionate but firm at the same time, trying to transmit love, but also security. "I got you." He whispers in her ear and she nods, her body still struggling against the instinct to let out her emotions. Harvey rocks gently, rocking her also between his arms, breathing as calmly as he can, so that she can regularize her restless breathing by following him. One of his hands reaches into one of her fists, wrapping her hand, making her grip on herself loose gradually, her nails are marked on her skin. Once she manages to loosen her hand, he guides her arm so that, weakly, she surrounds him and repeats the same procedure with her other hand.
"I'm afraid." She mumbles after several minutes.
"Of what?"
"To open a door that I closed a long time ago." She sobs.
"You won't go into that place alone." He promises, with his words and with the tone of his voice. "I'm here." He whispers with his lips against her hair. "I'm here." He says once again and kisses her head as she nods.
If you have come this far and you can leave me a review, I promise you will make me very happy :)
