It had never been her intention to make things messy. This whole matter was supposed to be some casual, off the books, affair. At least it had started that way. But the ' I don't hate you ' had changed everything. She hadn't thought the blonde would remember a thing about their conversation but she had, thus changing their relationship, the way they saw each other.

First, little jokes, snide comments, and sarcastic chatter. Then silent conversations and silly smiles across the room. They went from ex-wife and mistress, who should hate each other, to friends, always there for one another. She couldn't recall if it had been her, the one to make the first move, or the girl. All she knew was that just friends quickly became something more intimate. Smiles and quiet conversations became passionate kisses and gratifying touches. Who would've thought?

The question always bounced inside her head. It was quite comical and almost ironic. The ex-wife and mistress. They had become friends with benefits? No. They had become so much more judging from the mess she had gotten herself into.

It hadn't been her intention to let herself go this far. But then, what else was she to expect? Realizing she didn't hate her. Wanting to protect her from getting hurt. It should have clued her in. She should have known. She already had experience with this kind of thing, with illicit affairs. However, this time it was her, the one to fall, the one who's heart had gone, it was hers.

For weeks, months, she had refused to acknowledge it. It couldn't be. She couldn't be. There was no way. She told that to herself anytime butterflies got set a flutter in her stomach with a single smile or simple look. She repeated it to herself when she felt her body long for the girl's touch the moment she got up from the bed. She let it echo in her head whenever jealousy invaded her as she watched the girl leave with him .

Lying to herself became a norm. She lied to herself for so long. She lied and denied and pushed everything away until that day. The day she felt the ground give way. The day the world came crashing down. The day the girl had gone out to save lives only to return with hers barely hanging on. It was at that moment that everything changed.

In that moment the lying ceased because when you feel numb, when everything is so loud and yet so quiet, when breathing hurts and the air feels thin, that's when you know for sure. That's when you know you've fallen. And god had Addison fallen. Fallen so completely, wholly, irrevocably, in love with Meredith.

It had hurt, finally accepting it. Watching her dying form had left her hollow. She had gone through the motions that day, wandering aimlessly. It had actually been surprising that she had managed to function, to operate, with a blank brain because the person she loved most was almost a ghost.

Hours had passed and she had sat alone, like always outside looking in, as the blonde woke in her hospital bed. The relief she felt was drowned out by the unbearable pain of her inability to be next to the girl as her ex-husband now was. The inability to hold her hand, kiss her forehead, lay with her so she didn't feel lonely.

Eyes had found hers and she wasn't sure what they saw but she saw longing flash through the baby blues. A longing that got washed up as Derek had stepped in calling the girl's attention to him. It had been so painful, too painful and she had gone. Watching them then had become too much, because it was then she really knew, then when she had given up and given in to what her heart, body, and soul screamed out.

This all was a complication. A mess she was sure she wouldn't get out of. One that would cost her everything and was bound to break her. After all wasn't that what matters of the heart always brought. Painful messy complications primed to shatter one's soul.


The walls were coming down on her. At least that's how Addison felt as she waited for Meredith to show up. The waiting seemed unbearable while she paced around in their usual somewhat secluded on-call room, tucked in between supply rooms down in the basement. This was it though. She had already decided. Already made up her mind. Today she'd finally tell her. She'd tell Meredith her truth, their truth. She was in love and she couldn't keep the feeling at bay anymore.

Taking another deep breath she decided to sit at the edge of the bed keeping a watchful eye on the door. She strained herself trying to listen for the blonde's steps and soon heard the distinct sound coming closer. Standing up again she flattened her white coat and clothes and tried to smile, failing miserably the moment the door swung open.

"Hi, Addie." Meredith said with her breathtaking smile.

"Hi." Addison managed to smile back, forgetting for a moment the turmoil within.

Meredith locked the door behind her and sent her a coy smile before approaching her. The blonde wrapped her arms around her waist and kissed her deeply, making her legs wobble a bit. Her fingers were tangled in blonde locks as she deepened the kiss, giving back to the girl as much as she was giving her. She was really forgetting everything and just letting herself be. That was until Meredith began planting kisses down the column of her neck.

"Mer." Addison called in a bit of a moan. "Mer." She called once more, feeling the blonde's smirk on her skin. "Meredith." She called yet again pushing against her.

"What's wrong?" Meredith asked, biting her bottom lip and looking up at her.

"We… we need to talk." Addison swallowed and moved away to sit on the bed, patting the spot next to her.

Meredith frowned a bit in confusion but sat next to her. She kept her gaze fixed on the opposite wall trying to figure out what to say next. She could feel the girl growing restless beside her but still no words were forming inside her head.

"Addie?" Meredith said softly, her hand on her shoulder.

Addison turned to look at her and found her giving her a small smile, which she returned. She turned her gaze away from Meredith and decided to just let whatever came to mind out. It may be she just needed to let go and not have a calculated conversation.

"Doesn't it seem crazy?" Addison began.

"What?" Meredith asked.

"You and me? Isn't it a little crazy?" Addison chuckled. "Like who would've thought we'd end up like this? When I first got here I wouldn't have believed it if anyone told me."

"Because I'm no g-" Meredith began but she interrupted.

"Stop that. You're amazing." She said looking at the girl. "How many times do I have to tell you that?" She added placing her hand on top of hers.

"Right." Meredith managed a smile.

"Remember when I told you I didn't hate you?" Addison asked again, letting herself reminisce on their past.

"Morphine high. Definitely." Meredith chuckled. "I also distinctly remember calling you beautifully hot. And calling Bailey pretty."

"Gosh." Addison laughed. "Does she still think you don't remember? Have you told her?"

"I think I'll keep the secret to myself. Especially because my high self decided to second guess her decisions. Every single one." Meredith shook her head, letting go of a nervous chuckle.

"High Meredith wasn't too smart." Addison chuckled and grew quiet once more.

"Are you ok?" Meredith asked.

"I'm fine." Addison gave her the only smile she could muster.

"That's the problem with us. Isn't it?" Meredith let out a sigh. "We're always fine. At least that's what I've been told." She added with a shrug which made Addison chuckle.

"Meredith, can you give me more?" She asked after a few minutes.

"More?" Meredith tilted her head adorably.

"Yes, more." Addison said, tucking a few errant golden strands behind the girl's ear.

"More what?" Meredith asked, still oblivious as to what she referred to.

"More." Addison repeated while she stood and started pacing the small room.

"Addison." Meredith called from where she sat.

"I'm sorry." Addison turned to look at her and stopped pacing as tears began to pool in her eyes.

"Why are you apologizing? What's going on?" Meredith sounded worried and made to get up but Addison shook her head so the girl remained seated.

"I'm about to make this messy. That's why I'm sorry." Addison began earning herself another confused frown. "I want more, Meredith. More than looks across the hall and faint smiles. More than quiet conversations. More than coffee breaks only when you're on my service." She could feel the lump in her throat begin to form a swallowed hard, clearing the few miscellaneous tears falling down her cheeks. "I want more. I want you. I want to be able to hold your hand and kiss your cheek. I want to sit with you at lunch and openly talk without looking over our shoulders. I want to be able to hold you anywhere I want whenever I want without reservations. I want to be able to call you mine. I don't want to share you anymore. I want you for me." She felt her lip quiver and bit down on it.

"Addison… I'm with-" Meredith began and she could see the tears glistening in her baby blue eyes.

"I know who you're with. No need to remind me." Addison snapped quickly, bitterness at the mention of him making itself present. "But I want you and I want more than just fleeting moments in the dark." She ignored the crack in her voice and continued. "I tried so very hard not to. Not to get here. This." She motioned between the two. "Us… wasn't supposed to get here. To tears and pain. I tried to fight it. Because it was stupid and completely absurd for me to let myself get here." Tears continued to roam down her face and Meredith's. "And before you get on your train of self pity and depreciation. No, it's not because you're not enough. It's because… taking away the little affair… I still don't think I deserve you."

"Addison, that's not true. You…" Meredith began brushing away her tears but stopped once Addison put her hand up.

"I'm just gonna come out and say it. I keep on saying it without using the right words…" She took a deep shuddering breath and brushed away the tears, which refused to let off. "Meredith… I want you. I'm… I'm so very… I'm in love with you. I love you in a way I've never loved anyone else." She felt some of the weight on her chest lift a bit as she spoke. "And call me crazy." She chuckled mildly while she looked at the crying girl in front of her. "But I think you love me too. Don't you?"

"I… I… Addison I…" Meredith tried to talk but her hesitation was evident and panic began to settle within Addison.

"Don't." She said quickly, shaking her head. "I rather not know whether you do or don't, than know you don't at all. That might be more painful." She said letting out the whimper that had been working itself up her throat out. She saw Meredith flinch at the sound and swallowed the next one. "I… I think this should be it. I think it's time for this to be done." She gave the girl a watery smile.

"Wait-" Meredith seemed to panic.

"Shhh. It's ok." Addison shook her head. "I enjoyed this. Plus it was fun." She chuckled despite the tears. "I don't think I'll regret any of it, you know?" She smiled and reached down to brush away the tears in Meredith's face. "How's that saying go? It's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all." She quoted as she looked into baby blue eyes. "I'm glad I met you. I'm glad…I got to have you for a little while."

Addison cleared her face of tears and took a deep breath before extending her hand towards the blonde. The girl looked at her hand and then up at her before taking it. After pulling Meredith up to stand Addison brought her hand to her lips planting a small kiss before placing it on her shoulder. Meredith's hand trembled slightly before she bunched the fabric of her white coat into her fist as if trying to hold her there. Addison smiled and again brushed some of the blonde's tears away from her face, caressing her cheek.

"Yeah. I don't regret this." Addison let out a chuckle and leaned in touching her forehead to Meredith's.

Meredith hiccupped but still said nothing. Addison had wished, hoped, she would do something, anything but the girl did nothing. It was ok, though. She knew this would be the outcome. She had known that today would be it. It was the reason why she had been dreading this moment.

"I'm so-" Meredith began.

"Don't apologize." Addison said, covering her mouth with three of her fingers. "It's ok."

She smiled and removed her fingers before sealing her lips to the girls for what would be the last time. She gave everything she could give until air was needed. They parted and an inevitable whimper escaped her. Again Meredith reacted to the sound which had her opening her eyes to find the blonde staring back at her. She smiled once more and placed a kiss on her forehead.

"You be happy, ok?" She said before planting another kiss on her forehead.

Slowly she pried the blonde's hand from her white coat and moved away towards the door. She smiled again and turned away, her hand already on the door knob. She took another steady breath and opted not to look back after that. She was sure if she did she'd run to Meredith's and would have clung to her until the day she died.

"Goodbye, Mer." She said before storming out as quickly and as far away as humanly possible.


Unsure of where exactly she was going, Addison allowed her feet to carry her away from the on-call room, thus away from Meredith. She continually brushed away her tears and took deep breaths to calm herself. She needed to control herself, it wouldn't do for an attending, a surgeon of her caliber, to be walking around like a crying mess.

"Addison?" Someone asked behind her and she brushed away the tears once more before turning.

"Hey." She tried masking her voice but ultimately failed.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Callie, her now best friend even when she knew nothing of Meredith and her.

"I lost someone." Addison spoke vaguely.

"Oh. I'm so sorry." Callie said and pulled her into a hug. "It'll be ok. You'll save the next ones."

Addison muttered a reply onto her shoulder and let out a sigh of relief at successfully fooling Callie. She allowed herself a few more tears as the Latina rubbed her back but then straightened herself and pulled away.

"I'm good." Addison attempted a smile and nodded.

"Yeah you are." Callie gave her a reassuring smile but then her gaze moved away from Addison and behind her. "Hey, Meredith."

Addison spun to see the girl look at the both of them like a deer in headlights. She looked a bit pale and her eyes seemed puffy. Addison's eyes started stinging again when baby blue eyes met her jade ones but she blinked the tears away. Meredith said a quick 'hi' to Callie and nodded towards her before scurrying away.

"That was weird." Callie said next to her. "Wonder what's wrong. Maybe trouble in paradise?"

"Maybe." Addison shrugged, her eyes still at the corner where the girl had disappeared to.

She wanted to run after her. She wanted to hold her again. But the time for that was gone, long gone. It was now time to let go and move on.

"Addison?" Callie called.

"Hmm?" Addison turned her attention towards the Latina.

"I asked if you wanted to have lunch?" Callie said.

"Oh. Yeah. Mhmm." Addison nodded.

"Are you ok?" Callie asked.

"I'm fine." Addison smiled and remembered Meredith's words.

"Are you sure?" Callie frowned a bit.

"Yup. Come on." Addison took her arm and started pulling. "I'm hungry."

"Let's go."