"When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace."
-Jimi Hendrix
Elizabeth scrubbed herself until her skin bled. She felt dirty and no amount of bathing and scrubbing will erase the memory of his unwanted touch. None of it originated from love, but lust and revenge. True she refused his offer of marriage before. Now her family's circumstance was greatly reduced, and Mr. Darcy no longer has an incentive to be honorable. His aid cost her everything, her virtue and self-respect. Agreeing to be Mr. Darcy's mistress was a mistake. She did it out of love for her sisters. After bathing. She dressed herself and penned a letter to her aunt and benefactor.
Mr. FD,
This is the last time you'll hear from me. In the past you expressed your love for me, but after last night. I realized that the words of love you once uttered a few months ago have died along with my refusal to your marriage proposal. Your actions were not born out of love but out of rejection, hate, and pride took a strong hold of you. Please forgive me for breaking our agreement. I can no longer look at myself in the mirror without feeling filthy. I Think I could have learned to love you if not for our arrangement, but after last night's activities, I don't think I can ever look at you again. I guess this is the one time where my courage did not rise. Thank you for helping my family in saving them from further disgrace. I shall be eternally grateful.
I hope that someday you'll find the happiness you seek. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you at Huntsford. I release you from any obligation you have towards me. I just cannot go on living. I am however at peace knowing that my sisters are respectively situated. Please forgive me for what I'm about to do. God bless you.
Sincerely, MF
She sealed the envelope and addressed it as Michael Filmore. She sent for a runner to have it delivered and gave the boy two coins. She then went to her dresser and took out a bottle and stuffed it in her reticule. Then rushed out the door towards London bridge. Halfway there, she took out the vial and emptied it in her mouth. Then picked up her pace. She got to the bridge and sat on the railing. She was getting increasingly tired, but still in her presence of mind to utter a prayer of forgiveness to her Creator. Then with her last phrase, "I'm coming Papa." She jumped.
Mr. Darcy was finishing up his business correspondence. He didn't get much done, because Elizabeth kept intruding his thoughts, and each time he burned with need and maybe a little bit of shame, but not enough to repent. He is confident that this arrangement decreases his chance of getting rejected and losing her. She got away once. He will never let her go again. He sealed his last letter and made plans on what he will do to keep her permanently in his possession.
As he formulated different scenarios that won't result in scandal or any taint in Darcy's name, a letter arrived. Excitement lit his face as he read Michael Filmore (a name they both agreed to use for communication). Darcy knowing that Elizabeth is at his mercy opened the letter with great anticipation. Perhaps it's a letter begging for his company. He turned deathly pale as he scanned the missive. He read it completely, and his body shook. He let out a cry, "Oh God! No! What have I done!". He collapsed on the floor with the letter clutch to his chest. A few minutes later he wiped his face and commanded the butler to have his horse fetch immediately.
Mr. Darcy reverently folded the letter and stuffed it in his breast pocket. He must get to her hoping he is not too late. About halfway to Gracechurch St. his heart sank deeper. He could no longer feel her presence. Suddenly a large void opened up within him and swallowed him. He choked back a sob. The river Thames beckoned him, and he unconsciously followed its flow. His gut tells him that this is Elizabeth's watery grave, he knows not where he'll find her. It had gotten dark and knew that any efforts of search were futile.
Mr. Darcy arrived home in a sorry state. The servants have never seen their master in such a way even after his parents' death. The man who walked through the Darcy mansion was a broken man. The light in his eyes is gone. His face is vacant. He moved in a mechanical sort of way. He went straight to his chamber and locked the door. He unlocked a compartment in his desk and took out a small wooden box. He pressed a flower engraving and heard the unlocking sound. First, he took out the letter from his breast pocket. Then he opened the box. The trapped smell of Elizabeth's perfume assailed him. One by one he carefully lifted each item, handkerchief with EB initials, a dance card, a ribbon, and a dried rosebud. He breathed in the last of Elizabeth's scent. He sobbed uncontrollably until sleep claimed him.
He dreamt of Elizabeth walking in Pemberley Garden sniffing flowers along the way. She's heavy with their child. She twirled, and as she did so disappear into thin air. Another was her face as it disappeared in the murky water of the Thames. It was one nightmare after another with no relief of waking. In less than twenty-four hours, Elizabeth had become his personal demon with no hope of redemption. Finally, he was shaken to consciousness by Richard.
Mr. Darcy quickly grabbed a pillow to cover his treasures. Then asked Richard to meet him at his study after he is dressed. He carefully put all his treasure back in the box except the ribbon and added the letter to the pile. Then put the box in his desk compartment and locked it.
Mr. Smith came in to attend to his toilette. He's never seen his master look so despondent. He said not a word of greeting or any sort of communication. He just stood there and did as his valet instructed. When done, he made his way to his study to meet with his cousin. Richard eyed him with great interest. He sensed something not quite right with his cousin but felt he should wait it out and observe him further.
"What brings you here Richard?"
"I was thinking about calling on Miss Elizabeth. I heard she's in town, and I wish to be reacquainted with the lovely lady."
"We have not been invited to make a call." Hoping that Richard will buy that excuse. When in reality. He doesn't want to face her relatives. In doing so, it nails the finality of Elizabeth's permanent absence in his life. That is something he is not yet willing to accept.
"Nonsense, we've been her friends for quite some time now. Surely, he wouldn't refuse our company. She's lovely and amiable. If I had the money to support a family. I would make an offer to her." Richard replied.
Darcy fought his reaction. Richard's admission brought his guilt to the surface. Knowing that Elizabeth had an option she was not aware of and him taking advantage of her. He admitted to himself that he is a scoundrel of the worst kind. The only difference is that he can hide behind his wealth and maintain respectability. What a wretched fool he has been. He fought to keep it together. He ate breakfast with his cousin to maintain his normal appearance. The food tasted like ashes and his high-quality coffee tasted like river sludge.
The cousins finished their meal and made plans to visit the Gardiner. He is not sure if it's still a good idea to call, but he must have his own closure. Deep down he feels that Elizabeth is lost to him, but there is a small hope that perhaps her plan was thwarted somehow. Still he should be present to lend support, and thus the cousin made their way to Gracechurch St.
"My love, is Elizabeth feeling better this morning?" asked Mr. Gardiner
"I have not seen her yet. I'll ask Molly to fetch her. I wish there is something I can do to pull her out of her grief. I know she smiles and pretends everything is fine, but you and I know better." Madeline replied.
"Perhaps you could tell her to go to the warehouse today and see if any of the new shipment of books could tempt her. It worked in the past." said Mr. Gardiner.
"That is a great idea, love." Agreed Madeline. Then she rang for Molly to fetch Elizabeth.
Molly came into Elizabeth's room and found that the bed had not been slept on. There was no sign of Elizabeth save for the note that was left on the vanity addressed to Madeline Gardiner. She informed her mistress that Elizabeth is nowhere to be found, but that a letter was left for her on her vanity. Then handed to Mrs. Gardiner. Madeline had a foreboding feeling as she held the letter. For the first time in her life, she did not want to open a letter from her beloved niece. She called her husband to the task. Mr. Gardiner unsealed the letter with great trepidation. He scanned the missive and turned pale. He looked at his wife and no words were needed. Together they held each other and read Elizabeth's last words.
Dearest Aunt Maddie, and Uncle Ed,
Words cannot express how much I love you. I love you both with the deepest of love that a daughter can give. Your love gave me a sense of lacking nothing. You gave me something that my mother was unwilling to give unselfishly. Thank you for being the father and mother that I needed. I had so much hope. The situation with Lydia forced me to grow up even faster and faced the responsibility as the second eldest. I consider it my burden and failure for not being there to protect my sister.
Through the kindness of Mr. Darcy, I'm glad that she is now situated with Mr. Wickham. The taint of course still remains. I cannot in good conscience go on living with you and spreading the disease of ruined reputation on both of you and my cousins. It is with great sadness to inform you that I can no longer live with the shame and my only solution is the end. I'm at peace with this method knowing that Papa will be on the other end with welcoming arms.
Please forgive me.
With all my heart, Lizzy,
